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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
A Successful Reunion
November 4, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

 
WWE ’13 came out a couple days ago, and I don’t have it yet. Part of the reason is because, for the first time in five years, IGN has decided against letting me do the strategy guide for it. I’m disappointed, but they’re doing an experiment where the whole thing is being written and run by the community, so… yay? The good news is, I won’t be pestering you for the next month where I try to pimp myself about it.
 
Instead, I will pimp myself (sort of) in that I’ve been extremely busy with other IGN projects. Probably nothing at all you’d be interested in: I’m in the middle of writing the wiki to Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask, which is my first foray into the series and I finally get to see what the fuss was about.

I’m also on my second draft of the review for Farming Simulator 2013, which is about as exciting as it sounds (but somehow way more entertaining than I ever would have guessed). And once those are done, I’ll have the strategy guide wiki for Football Manager 2013… “football” in this case meaning soccer, because that’s the sport real men play, or something.

I kid. Strangely enough, all three games are solidly entertaining in their own different ways, and I’m really enjoying myself. Well, I haven’t touched Football Manager yet, but I’ve enjoyed the last two, and I doubt the latest one is such a wreck that I’ll hate it. Plus, you know… money. IGN pays pretty well, and I need it right now.

What you need right now though is the SmackDown recap, else you wouldn’t have clicked the link. So let’s get to it!

Opening: For some retarded reason, they decided to start off the episode (before the theme or pyros) with a trailer-like video, where a guy who suspiciously sounds like Movie Voice Guy as he ran down the “scandal” and “controversy” of several of the stories going around… including slapping those two words on the screen. It, uh, really feels like a soap opera with that retardedness, and that’s not even anything close to a compliment.

Segment 1: No theme or pyros, but The Miz is here for Miz TV… and his opening is to repeat everything we just heard. So we’re not five minutes into the show, and they’re already recapping themselves. That is not a good sign.

Miz blathers, recaps Hell in a Cell for some reason (even though now we’ve heard it twice), and here comes Sheamus to be Miz’s guest. Miz again recaps the match, and sarcastically asks how it felt for Sheamus to lose the World Heavyweight Championship to Big Show. Sheamus responds by asking Miz how it felt to lose the Intercontinental Title to Kofi Kingston. Burn!

Miz says that the difference is that he’s beaten Kofi before, and will again to get the title back, whereas Sheamus has never beaten Show and never will. Sheamus tries to reply, but Miz just blathers “blah blah blah” over him, then does another recap of events of the last year. This part is a little brilliant though, actually: Miz says that because he won at Survivor Series last year, Team John Laurinaitis won… which put Johnny Ace in power… which led to Big Show getting fired… which led to Big Show coming back and turning heel… which led to Big Show being the big angry giant he is today. In other words, it’s totally thanks to The Miz that Sheamus lost last week. Cute.

Sheamus interprets that as Miz being the real target for his aggression. Miz denies that… as he shifts so the folding chairs are between them. Miz goes on that he’s never been humbled by his success, and again brings up that he’ll totally beat Kofi for the title again. “Because I’m The Miz, and I’m—”

Well, here comes Kofi. He ironically implies that “The Real World” is more “real” than professional wrestling, asks how many times he needs to kick Miz in the head to get some sense into him. Kofi has beaten him three times, and will beat him at Survivor Series again! Miz denies that, he will totally win at Survivor Series, “because I’m The Miz, and I’m—”

And here comes Big Show, which pisses off Miz for getting his catchphrase cut off twice. Show stays on the stage and wonders why Sheamus was the guest, instead of the current champion. So Miz calls an audible and asks how it felt to knock Sheamus out. Show starts to answer something about euphoria, but Sheamus cuts him off and asks if he felt that same euphoria when Sheamus hit him with White Noise in the middle of the ring on Monday. So since the fans want to see it happen again, let’s fight now!

Show declines since he knows he would totally win again, but besides, he’ll have as much of Show as he can handle at Survivor Series.

Sheamus and Kofi watch Show go. Miz decides that means it’s a good idea to charge Kofi from behind. Kofi feels it and just back body drops him over to the top rope. Sheamus enjoys Miz’s spill immensely as we go to commercial.

Do I smell a tag match?

Segment 2: Back from commercial, and Show is walking through the halls. Booker T runs into him, congratulates him for his win at Hell in a Cell, but hey: Booker is in charge of SD. And he knows what the fans want, so our main event will be Show and Miz vs.… You know what, if I have to finish that sentence, I have a bottle of air that’s super totally awesome and will sell it to you for $40.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Darren Young (w/ Titus O’Neil) defeats Sin Cara (w/ Rey Mysterio) by pin. JBL sounded like he has a fat lip the whole time while commentating. Weird.

Decent match, nothing special. Nothing we haven’t seen before, and no noteworthy spots. Match ended with Young’s military press-to-gutbuster thing.

Post-Segment 3: The Prime Time Players celebrated like idiots, then O’Neil grabbed a mic and blew a whistle into it. That must have been annoying as hell to the live fans. O’Neil talks some shit and challenges Rey Mysterio to a similar one-on-one match right the hell now. Rey accepts, and it’s on… after ads.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio (w/ Sin Cara) defeats Titus O’Neil (w/ Darren Young) by pin. Another power-versus-speed match involving Rey Mysterio! So exciting!

Match was meh… decently executed, but nothing worth watching. Rey’s rally ended with him setting up Titus for the 619, but when he went for it, Young started saying or doing something outside the ring to cause a distraction. Sin Cara clotheslined his head off, but it was enough to get Titus recovered. He caught the 619 attempt, then threw Rey into the corner. Titus then went into a 3-point stance and readied a Spear to Rey, but Rey slipped away at the last second and hit a quick roll up.

After the match, as the luchadores went up the ramp, they stole the PTP’s “Millions of Dollars” dance. That seemed to piss off the PTP more than the loss, and JBL brilliant screamed “Millions of Dollars” in Spanish. Heh.

Segment 5: Hell in a Cell recap and a RAW recap.

Segment 6: Teddy Long blows rainbows up Booker T’s ass as he says that Vickie Guerrero is totally messing things up on RAW. Then there’s a knock, and Natalya comes in pimping herself as Booker T’s new assistant with Eve busy with other things. Then David Otunga arrives and says that he should be the assistant instead, if Booker T needs anything.

Booker says sure, he does need something, since we’ve got a returning superstar that needs to re-debut. Otunga shrugs and accepts, then sips some coffee as he asks who it is. Once Booker says it’s The Great Khali, Otunga does a spit take… directly into Natalya’s cleavage. I gotta admit, I didn’t see that coming.

Otunga apologizes to Nattie, then tries to beg off the match, but Booker isn’t having it. Otunga resigns himself to it, then turns back to Nattie, who is understandably still pissed. Otunga, always being good as a total asshole, asks why she’s still upset; besides, it’s an improvement. Otunga takes another sip of coffee, but Natalya slaps him in the face, which makes him do a second spit take on Teddy Long. Gotta admit, didn’t see that coming either.

While I’d be more than happy to give Natalya a sponge bath to help clean her up, that offer does not extend to Teddy. You’re on your own, playa.

Segment 7: Alberto Del Rio hits ringside with Ricardo Rodriguez to be on commentary for the next match.

We’re starting up yet another Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton match, and I’m pretty damn sick of this match up. However, as Orton hits the UPOD in the corner during his entrance, ADR pops up from commentary and slides in the ring. Orton stomps him several times, and ADR bails. Orton follows, but then kiss the ring post thanks to RR. ADR then joins in the fun and sends Orton into the same post face-first too as all the refs in the world hit ringside.

ADR is finally peeled off and sent to the back as Wade looks on with a big grin. We’re still going to have the match, and I’m not exactly thrilled with it, but maybe it’ll be slightly more interesting now. More commercials, then it’s on.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Wade Barrett defeats Randy Orton by pin. What an extremely boring match, easily the worst of their batch. The fans were hot, but we’ve done the debate over Orton to death. Whether you’re a fan or not, I’m simply not, and a boring match is a boring match.

It didn’t help that the match was 80% comprised of chinlocks from both guys, which was especially strange from Wade Barrett. Orton had a few hope spots, hit his new superplex and the Hangman’s DDT, and then ADR came back down. He didn’t do anything, but Ricardo got on the apron. Orton stupidly tried to punch him, giving Barrett time to recover and win by roll-up.

Barrett instantly bailed, so Orton didn’t have anyone to RKO. Naturally, that means he chased the heels up the ramp, because that’s what faces do.

Segment 9: It’s no longer October, but boobs are still awesome, and cancer still sucks.

Segment 10: ADR is in the back and is caught by Matt Striker. ADR talks some shit, and we see Orton walking up on him in the background. A brawl ensues near catering, one that’s infinitely more entertaining than the Orton/Barrett match. ADR takes control, then goes to grab an overgrown coffee pot, but oversells the fact that it’s super-hot. Orton recovers, grabs two thin napkins, uses them to protect his hands because fuck heat radiation physics, then throws the apparently molten coffee in ADR’s direction. ADR dodges, so Ricardo takes the whole pot. That’s the third time in an hour that someone has taken warm liquid in their face and chest, which is just about the same ratio if I could have a chance with My Rosa Mendes for a night.

The fight continues, with ADR punching Orton, and Orton hitting the ground like he was shot. This was because his foot slipped in the spilled coffee and he fell hard on the concrete. That had to have hurt, but the show goes on. Soon Orton gets the advantage, then retreats to where Ricardo is sitting and still screaming with third degree burns. Orton, being the good-guy-face that he is, grabs another bowl, this time filled with hot chili. This time, he doesn’t bother with the napkins; I haven’t seen so little material provide so much protection since I had a Level 80 female Night Elf hunter in World of Warcraft. Orton dumps the chili on Ricardo because fuck the nation’s hungry, and Ricardo reacts as if that was molten too.

But Orton’s little side-jaunt gave ADR time to recover, so Orton takes a roundhouse kick. But then Orton back body drops ADR through a table, so ADR is definitely at the disadvantage. Orton goes to mount him, trips over the table, but maneuvers himself so it looked intentional. Orton delivers a few punches, then spots a cake. He goes to drown ADR in it, but ADR fights off… for two seconds, at which point Orton flings ADR over a different table.

Matt Striker rematerializes and asks Orton for his thoughts on the brawl, which is pretty much the stupidest fucking question ever asked in the history of existence. Orton responds by forcing Striker to taste-test the aforementioned cake, then runs off. As we get a view of Striker’s icing-covered face, we also get a shot of 3MB laughing at him in the background. You know you have to be pretty far down the totem pole when Heath-fucking-Slather is the one laughing at you.

Cut Scene: They announce that Jerry Lawler will be back on RAW in two weeks. Yay! It’s going to be weird hearing two face announcers… I wonder how they’re going to handle that?

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Khali reverse-squashes David Otunga by pin. Meh. Otunga basically went balls-out and did well… until he ate a brain chop out of nowhere, and that was that.

Segment 12: So, during the match, they showed a couple shots of Natalya watching in the back. After commercials, she finds Khali, hits on him, and implies he has a larger-than-average penis. Ooookay…

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: R-Truth defeats Justin Gabriel by pin. Solid match. Nothing amazing, but good action and no rest holds from start to finish. Truth managed to get the win when hit the Lie Detector after Gabriel whiffed on a springboard axe handle.

Before and after the match, we got the Two-Face Handshake of Mutual Respect. The crowd loved it. In the middle of the match, we also got a “K-Kwik” chant. That took me back…

Segment 14: RAW recap.

Segment 15: The Miz is talking to Big Show, reminding him of ShowMiz, and that they’ll totally be awesome teammates. Show says that that’s difference: back then, they were teammates. But now, Show is Miz’s superior. So if Miz doesn’t follow Show’s orders, Show will totally knock him out too. Uh oh.

Segment 16 [Tag Match]: ShowMiz defeats Kofi Kingston & Sheamus by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Pure formula, with Kofi getting the early offense and being the face in peril. Once he finally got the hot tag, Show basically bailed; his entire story here was that he wouldn’t engage with Sheamus. So once Sheamus was House of Fire, Show said screw it and just jumped down to ringside.

Eventually, Kofi wanted to be tagged back in, so Sheamus went ahead and did so. Kofi hit a great top rope flying frog cross body, then made the cover. Show got back in the ring to break it up, then immediately bailed again. Sheamus turned his back for a moment, and Show managed to land a KO punch on Kofi. Show then took his title and left as Miz made the cover. Because Sheamus was a face, it didn’t occur to him to break up the pin despite being in the ring at the time, so the ref counted three.

Miz takes the win, prances about, and eats a Brogue Kick. Sheamus and Show scream at each other from the distance of the ramp as we fade out.

Final Thoughts: Meh. Other than the catering brawl, nothing really stood out as entertaining tonight. Too much filler, too much stupidity, not enough meaningful story advancements. And seriously, that opening was god-awful.

But hey, nothing sucked, so… there’s that. And the opening matches, while nothing special, were decent enough to enjoy and short enough not to overstay their welcome. I suppose a non-loss is what we expect from week-to-week anymore.

As a programming note, we’ve got Super SmackDown live on Tuesday. I’ll be doing RAW as usual, so navigate here next week for back-to-back recaps (and I’ll get six days off)! Take care, and remember to reset your clocks this Sunday!

Episode Grade: C

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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