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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Undercard Nirvana; Main Event Fail
October 27, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

 
In my overly cynical worldview, I become increasingly surprised when a product works correctly. I’ve had a devil of a time getting my new AT&T U-Verse Internet package set up at home, and it took three calls to customer service before the damn thing would work right. But once it worked… holy crap.
 
The first few days, my connection was pretty shaky. I don’t know the technical reasons behind that, if there are any, but AT&T apparently ironed out all the bugs. My Internet speeds are now four times as fast for one-third of the price, and the fact that I’ve completely dropped my home phone service since I make all my calls from my cell anyway. That also means no more idiotic political calls or telemarketers… thank god the election is almost here.
 
 

It’s fantastic. Steam games just download in a hurry, with the average download speed running around 850kb/s, but I generally peak around1mb/s. This makes me very, very happy, and it helps me do more for IGN.

The trade-off? I have a crap-ton of games to get to, as I’ve got early access to two games for the sake of a guide (Professor Layton on the 3DS and Football Manager 2013), plus another game for a review, so I don’t have a whole lot of time tonight. Let’s get going…

Segment 1: Randy Orton hits the ring to open the show. The guy looks a good decade younger now that someone told him to execute the neckbeard and grow his hair out. Makes me think I should probably shave mine off… but then I’ll remember that I’d be indirectly emulating Randy Orton, and I just can’t do that to myself.

Orton gives some vanilla threats to Alberto Del Rio, but then ADR himself arrives to counter. And what follows is one of the most boring, soulless discussions I’ve heard from main eventers. But, as I always admit, the crowd is into it, so… yeah. I guess it’s not entirely bad.

At the end of the blathering, ADR pretends he’s going to fight, but then backs away and says that he’ll only fight on his own terms, which means on Sunday. Orton’s music plays, the fans are happy, and—

Holy shit, where did Wade Barrett come from? He just forearms Orton in the back of the head, then runs off up the ramp. He and Orton smirk at each other along the way, so… yeah, I guess that’s our main event or something tonight, huh?

Segment 2: After commercials, ADR and Ricardo Rodriguez are talking in the back. Teddy Long arrives and implies an accusation that ADR hired Barrett to make that attack, but ADR denies that. Then Barrett arrives, and Long repeats his accusation. But Long doesn’t really care about specifics and makes the obvious match. Barrett is smiles for it.

Pre-Segment 3: Daniel Bryan and Damien Sandow are both on commentary for the next match.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Cody Rhodes by pin. Fast-paced match, a little short, but entertaining.

Cody had a fun spot halfway through the match to kick off his rally, quite literally. We’ve all seen his rebound ninja flash kick before, but he got a little extra height this time, so it was more like a rebound ninja flash dropkick to Kane’s chin. Nothing major, but it was pretty damn sweet.

It’s about then that Sandow said that while his beard is nice and symmetrical, while DB’s was not. Rather than remind him of a goat face, it really “reminded him of a goat’s posterior.” Did he just call DB’s mouth a goat asshole? Because that’s awesome.

Not so awesome for him was the action in the ring, where Cody’s rally quickly petered out. Kane tossed Cody off the ropes and bent over to hit a back body drop. Cody tried an intentional flop to counterpunch Kane’s face from the ground, but Kane countered by grabbing him by the throat and hitting a clean chokeslam. Pin, done.

Segment 4: Booker T finds Big Show in the locker room to discuss Show chokeslamming Sheamus on RAW, and he doesn’t want that kind of trouble tonight. Show replies that he proved what he wanted to prove on Monday, so he doesn’t have any more to prove tonight. But he will become the new World Heavyweight Champion on Sunday, so there.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: The Miz defeats Yoshi Tatsu by pin. Decent match, nothing special, with a foregone conclusion. Moving on…

Segment 6: WWE was in Egypt. Zack Ryder wants you to know that “the pyramids were sick.”

Segment 7: RAW recap. I don’t recap crap I’ve already recapped, and I also don’t recap crap Rick has already recapped.

Segment 8: Main Event recap. I didn’t recap it, and neither did Rick, but hey… it’s Main Event, so who gives a shit?

Segment 9: RAW recap. Again. I have a feeling I should have given longer than a one-hour buffer for myself.

Segment 10: Eve, Aksana, Layla, and Kaitlyn are in Booker’s office discussing the mystery e-mail that Kaitlyn found on Eve’s iPad last week. Booker asks Aksana of all people, “Did Eve send you that e-mai? I want the truth.” Aksana says no… but she did send it as a text message.

This explodes into chattering and bickering, which explodes my speakers. Long finally comes in and summarizes the text message… apparently, Eve ordered Aksana to be the one to go all Tanya Harding on Kaitlyn. Booker T fires her from his staff, but Eve begs off: she says she’s too trusting because she just leaves her iPad everywhere and doesn’t “put a passcode” on it. So she thinks someone just stole her iPad and send the message themselves.

More bickering, so Booker T says the four of them are going to be in a tag match, since they’re already dressed to compete. So he throws them all out of the office so he can catch his breath, though Long stands around and seemingly looks up Booker’s nose as we fade out.

Pre-Segment 11: Is that new music for Wade Barrett? God, that’s annoying.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Wade Barrett defeats Randy Orton by pin. Watchable, but not particularly entertaining. I’ll admit that the result was unexpected, but it took ADR hitting ringside and being a distraction, letting Barrett recover from the Hangman’s DDT and hit the Souvenir Elbow. Orton at one point hit that sweet superplex and he made no mistakes in his execution, but like I said, it wasn’t a very entertaining match.

Post-Segment 11: ADR slides in the ring and starts beating on Orton, then wants to do the Cross Arm Breaker. But Orton counters and tries an RKO. ADR slips out and hauls ass up the ramp, and that’s it. The point is that Orton was still fighting, but as JBL says, he probably won’t be 100% come Sunday. Bad news for Orton fans.

Segment 12 [Tag Match]: Eve & Aksana defeat Kaitlyn & Layla by pin. Above-average match for the divas, which basically makes it the most entertaining match of the night so far. Layla was tepid, but Kaitlyn was wrestling angry, putting a little extra into every attack (or her opponents were selling a bit more). It’s pretty telling when Other Black Referee is in the stripes, and yet he’s not the most angry person in the ring.

Kaitlyn was somehow playing in the early offense, face in peril, and house of fire roles by herself. After she had had enough of the beatdown, she started beating the hell out of Eve (who wrestled pretty damn well) and Aksana (who was adequate), even throwing Aksana into the ring from the apron despite being the illegal woman and not even interfering in the match.

In the final sequence, Layla decided to join in, so Kaitlyn pinned Aksana’s arms behind her, letting Layla hit a cheap spinning roundhouse. Eve was woozy, so Kaitlyn held Eve like that too… but Eve dodges, so Layla’s attempted roundhouse kick caught Kaitlyn in the temple. Layla was in shock, and Eve is a quick-thinking veteran at this point, so she shoved Layla out of the ring and made the quick missionary pin. Hot, and a good finish to the match.

Even more fascinating though was Aksana’s outfit, which featured a horizontal zipper across her chest. There wasn’t any other seam connected to the zipper—a zipper in the back was the way she presumably got into and out of the leotard—so the only point of the zipper was for a third party to have quick and easy access to her cleavage. It was pretty weird, but hey, if we’re supposed to be aware of breast cancer, I suppose that’s a good style for Anytime Mammograms.

Segment 13: Another RAW recap, because we can’t get enough of ‘em!

Segment 14: Sheamus in the back, and Booker T finds him. Booker asks him for a favor: promise him to keep a cool head while he’s face-to-face with Big Show tonight, because Show promised to do so. Sheamus says that Show was lying, and won’t promise anything, so there.

Segment 15: Daniel Bryan is warming up when Kane arrives. Kane points out that he won his singles match earlier tonight, which proves that Kane isn’t the weak link here. “If I won my match, and you lose yours, we’ll know who the Tag Team champions is.” Ouch… Kane has a degree in education, and I know that saying that sentence must have stung a little. MS Word’s grammar police is freaking out on me right now.

DB starts heavily breathing and wants to reply, but his music fires up. Kane cheerily says that that’s DB’s cue, so DB starts to leave through gorilla… only to have Kane slap him on the ass. DB turns around, screams “No!,” and runs off through the curtain. Stranger danger!

Pre-Segment 16: DB’s entrance is cut off by commercials. When we’re back, Kane and Cody have joined the commentators. I’m sure this’ll be fun.

Oh, and now Damien Sandow wants to cut a promo! He stole DB’s general complaints by bitching about the fans’ interest in screaming “Yes!” over and over, since there are much better ways to express oneself. He’s saying this, by the way, over an amazing wall of boos. Like, almost to booing level of heel Vince McMahon in the Attitude Era. That is one fantastic reaction.

Anyway, Sandow says that there are better ways to say things in the affirmative. “Example: Absolutely, I am more handsome than Daniel Bryan. Undoubtedly, my beard is more sophisticated than Daniel Bryan’s. And indubitably, Team Rhodes Scholars will walk away this Sunday with the WWE Tag Team Titles. And that is not a yes or no question. You’re welcome!”

Oh Sandow. You are OO’s reason for giving more than the minimum amount of shits for SmackDown.

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Damien Sandow defeats Daniel Bryan by pin. Similar to the opener, this was short and fairly fast-paced, but a bit longer in length. Solid action, good stuff, match of the night so far (though, taken on the whole, that’s not saying much).

DB had most of the offense, though Sandow was able to hit the Cubito Fastidio halfway though during his rally. (Of note, Josh Mathews doesn’t even bother trying to attempt Latin, so he just straight up calls it the “Elbow of Distain,” which is still probably inaccurate, since I’d bet a paycheck they mean “Elbow of Disdain,” with a d, as we’ve discussed before.) Sandow was able to carry that momentum as the fight spilled outside.

But it was there that DB started to come back. In fact, he was doing such a good job that Cody came up from his announcing position to stalk DB. DB wasn’t having it, so he shoved Cody into the barricade. But all that did was piss off Kane, who stood up to try to stop that from happening again. Then Sandow got involved like an idiot (or a man who makes terrible life decisions), so Kane started stalking him.

But wait! Sandow isn’t a moron: he’s the beacon of truth and enlightenment for us ignorant masses! So he truthfully enlightened us with his tactic: distract the ref with Kane so Cody could shove DB face-first into the ring post. Cody then “helped” DB back into the ring around the time Kane broke off and headed back to the table.

Not that he ever got there. Sandow slid in the ring, hit the Chains of Mediocrity neckbreaker, scored the pin, then bailed before Kane could answer. Despite having the most opportune time to say “I told you so,” Kane let it go and just checked on DB, instead staring angrily in the direction of the ramp.

Segment 17: So it’s time for the main event promo, and it’s So Serious that there are a dozen members of the Arena Security Staff in the ring. They’re standing shoulder-to-shoulder diagonally across the ring to cut it in half and, as a little bonus for those of us who way pay way too close attention to details, they’re alternating which way they’re facing to ensure maximum security. (Except the douchebag on the far left, who broke the pattern by facing the same dude that his buddy was.)

Show hits the ring and puts over his finisher, which makes this the 20th time these two have had the same damn conversation in the past month. Bickering and arguing ensues, and Show reminds us (with video) that the last time Sheamus even attempted to hit him with the Brogue Kick, Show effortlessly blocked him and dumped him over the top rope.

Sheamus counters by, uh, putting Big Show over. See, Sheamus is super-awesome excited to be facing Show, because Sheamus strives for a challenge. Since he won the title at WrestleMania, he’s won against everyone and dominated, but he wasn’t really challenged. So Sheamus is stoked for this, and he will totally conquer Show.

Show counters that Sheamus is just scared of him, but Sheamus is sure he’ll win, and he’s sure he’ll hit the Brogue Kick no matter what. It won’t be easy, but challenges never are, so he’s ready to fight! The time for fighting is now! The time for fighting is now!

Show starts to say that Sheamus wants no piece of him, but Sheamus shows he’s a champion Red Rover player and just busts through the line of security. They manage to pull the guys apart, so then Sheamus and Show entertain themselves by beating the shit out of the security guys. When the ring is finally cleared, Sheamus goes for Show, who bails. Sheamus then hits one of the innocent Arena Security Staff guys in the face with the Brogue Kick, because beating up innocent people who are just trying to do their job are what non-bullying faces do.

Final Thoughts: I know WWE tends to play it safe with the final episode before a pay-per-view, but… good lord. The actual content didn’t suck, but there were so many recaps, replays, and pointless promos that we have a show that somehow defies mathematics and becomes less than the sum of its parts. So, I guess you could say that it wasn’t awful, but it was tremendous waste of time. Team Friendship was basically the only thing you needed to pay attention to, and only then because those two are just straight up gold in everything they’re doing.

So… that’s it from me. As I named the file for this recap, I realized I haven’t done a RAW recap since the first week this month due to stupid circumstances beyond my control, and it’s already nearly November. Here’s hoping I get back on the job on the other side of the weekend. Either way, Rick will have your Hell in a Cell recap up and running after the show on Sunday, so don’t miss us if you choose to pass on the show.

Episode Grade: C-

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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