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Be Vewwy Vewwy Quiet, I'm Hunting Viper
October 13, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

I got nothing today, folks. It’s been a busy week as I’ve tried to catch up with work in all respects of the word. I still have a tiny cough, but I’m probably up to 98%, which may as well be 100% for what’s expected of me among my jobs. But taking a bunch of time off work has not only put me behind, but severely hurt my paycheck too (not to mention the emergency expense of my medicine). It’s going to be a Ramen-and-rice kind of month, but at least thanks to IGN, I’ll be able to make rent.
I don’t have anything else, so I think I’ll turn the precap over to Rick, because I bet he’d like to update us on how the Reds are doing in the playoffs! They’re doing GREAT, right Webmaster Supreme? [Ed. Note: Ahem, Yankees, bitches! Baseball Polygamy is nice; I still have a team to root for. If you really wanted to get under my skin, you'd mention the goddamned Cardinals; it's less nice to still have a team I'm obligated to root against with every fiber of my being.]

Segment 1: Booker T is out on the stage to start us off tonight. He pimps Hell in a Cell, co-headlined by Big Show vs. Sheamus, and he wonders whether the Brogue Kick or WMD KO Punch is more devastating. Personally, I think it’s My Rosa Mendes’s “Hip Popping of Arousal,” which knocks me off my feet every time… or at least forces me to sit down for a few minutes.

But hot Latina women aside, we’re having some sort of contest to actually determine the strength of the aforementioned moves. On the stage is one of those machines that measures the power of a strike, though it’s more professional than the silly ones at amusement parks. It’s basically a speed bag hooked up to a computer.

Both guys join Booker T on the stage, but Show immediately refuses to play the game for some stupid reason, then screams at the fans not to boo him… clearly a heel, in case there was any lingering doubt. Show’s blubbers that he’s knocked out fricking everybody on the roster, so he has nothing to prove by seeing a score. Sheamus however is game, so he gives it a shot.

Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick and scores 1322 force per square inch, which (according to Booker T) is supposedly nearly twice as much as a heavyweight boxer. Show resumes protesting and hating the idea of the game, so Sheamus heavily taunts him… which angers Show enough to just punch the thing, which registers 1809. Show just coldly looks at Sheamus, says he’ll see him at HiaC, and leaves.

Sheamus takes the mic and says he’s not afraid since it’s just a score, and machines don’t hit back. But then Tensai declares he hates technology entirely by popping from gorilla and forearming Sheamus I the back of the head.

Pre-Segment 2: Tensai ran away back to gorilla after the attack, and we went to commercial. Apparently a match was made, and as we come back from ads, Sheamus is pacing in the ring like a dog at Michael Vick’s house.

Tensai makes his entrance, but Sheamus is pissed off, so he runs out and starts the fight outside the ring. Sheamus gets the better of it and finally flings Tensai back in the ring. Scott Armstrong restrains Sheamus until Tensai can at least get to his feet, then we start the match for real.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Tensai by pin. An extended reverse squash, Tensai dominated once the bell actually rung, but Sheamus ended things with a Brogue Kick a few minutes later. Nothing interesting here other than a “decent but nothing special” brawl.

Also: JBL was a little too addicted to the phrase “He’s poking the bear.” Where’s Michael Cole? It’s just JBL and Josh Mathews…

Segment 3: Randy Orton tweeted that he totally wants to be at SmackDown tonight and hopes that Alberto Del Rio will be too. Smash-cut to the locker room, where Ricardo Rodriguez tells ADR that he’s worried about Orton’s rumored presence. ADR says he doesn’t care, mostly because Orton is too much of a pussy to show up. But if RR is really so worried about it, why doesn’t Ricardo go look for Orton? Uh oh.

Segment 4: Back from commercials, and RR is still searching the halls. If I was him, I’d just head to a strip club, but whatever. He starts freaking out when he hears a hissing sound, which makes no damn sense since Orton never makes that sound. [Ed. Note: but he must. He's a Viper.]

Surprise, it’s Santino Marella with the Cobra, who says some stupid things and leaves. RR oversells his fear, and nobody cares.

Segment 5: The Encore hits the ring. They celebrate the Titantron showing their assault against Santino back on Monday. All three blather with stupid music-related puns, and the fans boo the shit out of them for the right reasons. Then all three do air guitars, which looks really strange coming from Drew McIntyre. Still, Drew is really into it, even tried to do a little spin, and he totally stayed on rhythm.

Then Santino and Zack Ryder hit the ring, and we go to more commercials.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Heath Slather & Jinder Mahal (w/ Drew McIntyre) defeat Zack Ryder & Santino Marella by pin. This had to happen for the sake of giving some credibility to the Encore, and surprisingly, this wasn’t the train wreck I thought it would be. It wasn’t exactly good, but it was pure formula and entertaining enough.

The last sequence saw Ryder getting the hot tag and getting momentum, even hitting the Broski Boot on Slater. Mahal broke up the attempted pin, and Santino tried to toss Mahal, but got tossed instead. Zack flung Mahal, and then Drew wanted to play but got knocked off the apron too.

Still, the visual distraction was enough to give Slater a chance to recover and hit what I suppose is a new finisher for him. It starts with a boot to the gut and a hold to the back of the head, probably better described as the Stone Cold Stunner setup position. But rather than a follow-up jawbreaker, Slater just took Zack’s face all the way down to the canvas, turning it into a full-on facebuster/bulldog. Good finisher choice, despite currently being unnamed (Josh called it “innovative offense”). The Slater Shuffle, maybe? If he sticks with the “One Man Southern Rock Band” theme, maybe he could just call it the Done Somebody Wrong. In any event, Slater picks up the pin, and Drew is still really into the air guitar.

Segment 7: Dolph Ziggler Touts. He calls out Kane, and… I guess that’s the next match?

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by disqualification. Solid match, no high spots, but pretty entertaining. Dolph’s habitual overselling helped show of Kane’s power, but Dolph had plenty of shots on his own.

The ending sequence saw Kane rallying, and going to the top rope for his flying lariat. Dolph moved to cut him off and wanted to do a superplex or something, but Kane punched back and knocked Dolph off. Sensing doom, Vickie got on the apron and started screaming at the referee, which also distracted Kane. Dolph recovered and grabbed his Money in the Bank briefcase, then waited. Kane jumped off with the lariat, then Dolph went all Miguel Cabrera on him, putting Kane on his face. But Mike Chioda had turned around by that point, and called for the bell.

Post-Segment 8: If Dolph was disappointed at the loss, he didn’t show it. Instead, he decided to bash in Kane’s ribs one more time with the briefcase, but that’s when Daniel Bryan shows up and makes the save. Dolph bails, but Kane immediately starts arguing with DB. He had Dolph right where he wanted him, and I am the tag team champions! No, you were about to get the crap knocked out of you, and I am the tag team champions!

Matt Striker arrives to ask if it’s this kind of bickering that’s going to cost them the WWE Tag Team Titles at Hell in a Cell! And besides that, people say that DB is the weak link in the team, so what do you say about that?

What DB has to say about it is a No Lock, and Kane screams at him to stop even before Striker starts pointlessly tapping out. Kane grabs DB by the throat to pull him off, then helps Striker to his feet… just to grab him by the throat. DB starts his “No!” screams, while Kane does “Yes!” screams right back while simultaneously headbanging to the beat. Striker eats the chokeslam, and the bickering continues as they go to the next segment.

Segment 9: Ricardo is still looking for Orton, rather than hitting up that strip club as I had suggested earlier. He hears a recorded Orton voice, and Ricardo is too stupid to know the difference, so he busts into a room. But it’s just Hornswoggle playing with an Orton Brawling’ Buddy toy. Ricardo beats the shit out of it and leaves, and Horny no longer has to wonder why he can’t have nice things.

Segment 10: Boo cancer, hooray boobs!

Segment 11: RAW recap.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Big Show extend-squashes Kofi Kingston by pin. Kofi had one rally, but he wasn’t kidding anyone. Match ended with the WMD. Miz was on commentary for this one, but didn’t really say too much, only because he didn’t have enough time.

Post-Segment 12: But he does have something to say after the match as an EMT and ref check on him. Miz gets in the ring and squats beside him, saying that this is totally appropriate: Kofi always comes so close and falls short, as he always does in life. And now Miz is going to leave us with the Intercontinental Title on his shoulder, just like he’s going to after he beats Kofi on Main Event next Wednesday. Because he’s The Miz, and he’s awesome… a line that seems more aggravating when Miz says it all calm and casual like that.

Segment 13: Fan Touts concerning whether CM Punk should face Ryback or John Cena at HiaC.

Segment 14: ADR and RR are talking in the locker room and are ultra-paranoid about Orton. A shadow appears, ADR freaks out, but it’s just DB. ADR tries to get his goat literally: “I was expecting a viper… not a goat face!” DB has made a breakthrough though; he smiles and says that if he is a goat, he’s really a GOAT, that is, “Greatest Of All Time.” And, besides that, he is the Tag Team Champions.

ADR just laughs and says that the only reason DB has the title is because of Kane. DB replies that the only reason ADR is even speaking is because Orton hasn’t found him yet. But we’ll figure out who the real GOAT is tonight because DB and ADR have a match! “And, oh yeah… I’m the Tag Team Champions.” Cute line to leave on, but you would have had to hear the delivery.

Segment 15: Layla and Kaitlyn are in Booker T’s office (with Teddy Long in the room as well) and are blathering over each other. Once they calm down, Layla says that she’s got proof it was Eve who Nancy Kerriganed Kaitlyn. See, we know the attacker is a blonde, and Aksana (who isn’t on-camera here) apparently found a blonde wig in Eve’s bag! Somebody call Perry Mason because this is such an intriguing development!

Eve arrives to defend herself, including pointing out that Aksana shouldn’t have been rummaging in her bag, because that’s rude. But since rummaging in bags is okay now, she found a blonde wig in Teddy Long’s bag! (Uh… doesn’t that mean Eve was the first one to go rummaging, if she already had the wig to begin with?) So, how do we know it wasn’t Teddy who did the attack?

More blathering, so Booker T invites Layla and Kaitlyn to have a sit-down and talk about it. They leave, and T-Long says firmly to Eve that she knows he didn’t have anything to do with the attack. Eve says neither did she, and she gives a little curt smile before walking away in a huff.

Pre-Segment 16: During the pre-match exchange, Josh asks JBL who he predicts will win the #1 contendership to the tag team titles, and JBL replies “Who do I look like, Jimmy the Greek?” I know it’s not the same thing, but I find that statement ironic given JBL’s little issues in Germany.

Segment 16 [Singles Match]: Sin Cara defeats Damien Sandow (w/ Cody Rhodes) by pin. Decent match, nothing overly special, but technically executed well by both guys. Rhodes tried to get involved at the end of the match and wound up getting ejected… for two seconds. As Rhodes stormed up the ramp, Sandow argued with the ref. Cara got on the apron, putting the ref between himself and Sandow. From there, Cara did a vaulting springboard huracanrana to pin. Sandow didn’t see it coming and couldn’t kick out.

Rhodes immediately charged the ring, but Cara bailed and appealed to the crowd all the way to the back. Meanwhile, Rhodes tried to comfort Sandow, who was at a loss of words for the first time in forever. Dissention already among the Rhodes Scholars?

Cut Scene: DB is walking in the halls and runs into Kane. DB says that no matter how much it may look like DB is in trouble, he does not want Kane to come in and make a save. Kane assures him that he won’t.

Segment 17 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeats Daniel Bryan by submission. Solid match, and probably my favorite ADR match so far. Good technical work, and they told an honest-to-Glob story with both guys going for arm attacks due to their respective finishers. ADR got trapped in the No Lock halfway through, but managed to get crawl over and get one finger around the bottom rope. Shortly after that, he was able to apply the Cross Arm Breaker, and DB tapped out after some resistance. No high spots, but a good watch if you’re fan of either guy.

Post-Segment 17: ADR gets a mic and says that there is no way Orton would show up tonight because he’s all talk and no walk. ADR talks some shit and steals the Ultimate Pose of Douchebaggery, then turns to hump the ring… and comes face-to-face with Orton, who starts beating the shit out of him.

The brawl goes on for a while, and Orton aims to hit the Hangman’s DDT using the table as leverage, which would mean ADR’s face would impact the black mats. But Ricardo kamikazes himself with a rear naked choke, which doesn’t really do anything but at least pulls him off. ADR bails, but Orton gets revenge by hitting RR with an RKO on the table, which doesn’t break. Cue the music!

Final Thoughts: A pretty safe episode, nothing really to speak of here. Plots and rivalries advanced, nothing earth-shattering or particularly interesting happened, but nothing bad happened either. The final segment (the Orton/ADR brawl) felt like it went on a bit too long… I didn’t mention it, but ADR showed two video clips on the Titantron of Orton getting his ass handed to him, as well as the taunts, which just seemed like major time filler more than anything else. Again: nothing bad, but nothing particularly good.

I said everything I wanted to say in the body of the recap, so I’m going to call it a night. This is my Monday as far as work goes, so I better hit the sack early. Until the real Monday for RAW, everyone!

Episode Grade: C+


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