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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Destiny Works in Repetitive Ways
July 28, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

 

As anyone who knows me can attest, I’m not a big drinker. I’ve only been truly hammered twice, once because I was feeling depressed, and once for a New Year’s Eve thing where I badly mixed my own Jack and Cokes. For that latter one, I remember having a very intense conversation with a four-year-old about the benefits of LEGOs, and why skeletons are scary. I don’t remember much else, other than the fact that I threw up three double cheeseburgers while making the note that they didn’t taste much worse coming up than going down.
 

Still, I’m not averse to alcohol; I just tend to spend my disposal income on games and computer stuff. But there are times I do enjoy a good drink, such as the fantastic Orange Russians that Rick taught me how to make, as well as fruitless beer. (Sam Adams is quickly becoming my favorite… certain varieties, anyway.)
  


So I was discussing drinks with Rick the other day for reasons I can’t remember, and he mentioned that whiskey with honey was… well, I can’t remember his exact descriptors, but they’re weren’t very positive. I’m not a fan of honey in the first place, and it sounded gross, so I decided to skip. But then, a few days ago, some guy in my store said that Jack Daniels with honey is the greatest thing in the universe, especially because women like it and are, apparently, easy lays.

Well, he clearly hasn’t met my stupid childlike obsessions that cause me from getting to first base, let alone a home run, in over two years. (I just finally filled the regional Pokédex in Pokémon Black!) But whenever I hear two divergent opinions about a product, I always feel like I need to try it. So now, even though CM Punk and Rick may GTS me, I wound up dropping twenty bucks on a small bottle of Jack with honey, because I’m an idiot. So, it’s in the fridge, and I get to look forward to an allegedly tasty (or allegedly gross) post-SmackDown drink. [Ed. Note: I believe my stance was "all pre-flavored booze is crap" and that you can always get better flavor adding your own lime to gin, or you own lemon to vodka, or your own mint to bourbon, etc... I also believe that adding honey to whiskey is a fool's errand, unless you're somebody who sweetens things with honey instead of sugar, and this is how you substitute for simple syrup. And even then: "Whiskey and simple syrup" isn't a drink anyone would ever drink, you have to add more stuff to get to a mint julep or whiskey sour. So why the hell would "whiskey and honey" be a drink? It isn't. It's gross.]

But to get post-SmackDown, we have to get to SmackDown. Let’s see how WWE is shaking out in this new heel-turned Punk (assuming that he even shows up tonight, which he probably won’t, given that he’s on the A-show). And, for that matter, just who the heck is the GM of SmackDown, since AJ is only the GM of RAW? Let’s roll…

Pre-Segment 1: After a five-minute video montage recap of RAW 1000, The Miz is here to open the show with the classic Intercontinental Title belt on his shoulder… and, somehow, he looks even more like a greaser. Not an insult; Miz looks good with that look.

Miz gets a mic and says that he’d like to personally thank all of Christian’s Peeps… because, after all, we’re the ones who voted for Christian’s title to be on the line on Monday, and if we hadn’t, he totally wouldn’t have been able to take it. But he’s the champ now, so there, because he’s The Miz, and he’s—

Uh, here comes Christian, limping along to the ring (selling the kayfabe ankle injury from Monday). He says that he’s not screwing around to invoke his rematch clause, so he’s doing it, uh, right the hell now. A referee appears out of absolutely nowhere, so here we go…

Segment 1 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: The Miz defeats Christian by pin, and retains. Damn fine twenty-minute match, about as free-per-view worthy as you can get. No massive highspots, but these two put on a clinic of workrate. Seriously: YouTube this thing, and your night will be made. The Miz shows that he not only can hang with a ring veteran, but is becoming a ring general in his own right. Absolutely fantastic performance by both guys.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Jinder Mahal by intentional countout. A surprisingly decent little match, Jinder beat the hell out of Ryback as much as he’s done since his arrival. Every time Ryback started his Five Moves of Doom, Jinder ducked, dodged, or countered out to keep Ryback rocked. Jinder’s story here was to keep attacking Ryback’s head and back, taking away his power.

Eventually, Ryback was prone, so Jinder jumped on his back and slapped on the Camel Clutch… for a half-second. After that, Ryback just straight dead-lifted Jinder up, basically using all his strength to go from prone position to standing tall with Jinder riding piggyback. Ryback’s character and push annoy me, but I’m not stupid enough to dismiss his strength.

Anyway, Jinder decided that that was all he could do, so he just up and left. He teased (or at least considered) coming back at around the four-count, but eventually decided to take his turban and go home.

Segment 3: Another recap of the ending of RAW 1000 (and Punk’s turn), because why not?

Segment 4: And Touts about RAW 1000, because stupidity.

Segment 5: Daniel Bryan is in the back with a thousand-yard stare. Sheamus arrives just to rub Monday’s events in DB’s face: left at the alter, ex-girlfriend is his new boss, Rock Bottomed, and now being called out by Charlie Sheen!

DB tries to dismiss all that, so Sheamus hands him a little gift that was supposed to be for his wedding. Sheamus leaves, DB unwraps it… it’s a book of some kind, but he throws it onto a chair and screams “Do you think this is funny?” as he storms out of the locker room. Camera pans to the chair, and the cover of the book is a screenshot from WrestleMania when Sheamus hit him with a Blarney Boot, along with the title How to Last Longer Than 18 Seconds. That’s such a good burn that I need some sunscreen; props to whichever writer or wrestler came up with that!

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Cody Rhodes by pin. Solid match and executed well, but not as exciting as the opener. The match wasn’t bad, but Christian and Miz set the bar so ridiculously high that I just couldn’t get into this one.

Still, we did have a surprise as we saw Dolph Ziggler hit ringside halfway through the match to stand watch. Every time Cody hit a big move and made a pin attempt, Dolph started to lunge into the ring case-first. But Sheamus continued to kick out… and eventually countered a flash kick into White Noise, followed up with the Blarney Boot, and that was that.

Post-Segment 6: Dolph is impatient and considered cashing in the case anyway. He went so far as to get on the west apron and offer the case to the ref, but just like chess, he never took his hands off it, so it didn’t count. Sheamus lightly taunted him and invited him to try it, but Dolph just shook his head and hopped off the apron.

So, remember in the last paragraph, I said that Dolph was on the west apron? That was important, because he totally didn’t see Chris Jericho come running from the back. He tossed Dolph into the ring, just so Sheamus could nail him with the Blarney Boot.

Sheamus was all smiles as he left, and gave CJ a look of respect. Jericho meanwhile got in the ring with a look of regret on his face, though reports are still pending whether the regrets were sarcastically aimed at Dolph, or whether CJ just then realized how unfortunate his pink shirt and lady jeans fashion combination was.

Either way, CJ decided to regain his smile by getting in the ring and hitting Dolph with a Codebreaker the instant he stood up. CJ then ripped off the shirt—proving it was the shitty clothing after all—then left with a smirk.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Antonio Cesaro (w/ Aksana) defeats Santino Marella by pin. It was a non-title match, but apparently he Touted about being awesome… so awesome, in fact, that Cole said the Tout twice verbatim during and after the match. Hooray.

Anyway, the point is that he got a win over the US Champion, so maybe he’s next in line for it. I’ll let you know when we officially start giving a shit.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Damien Sandow squashes Yoshi Tatsu by pin. Sandow’s pride is still hurting after getting his face destroyed by DX on Monday, so he just up and beat the crap out of Yoshi. Sandow even hit both his Cubito Fastidio and his cross-armed neckbreaker drop, which an OO reader brilliantly called the “Chains of Mediocrity.” Until WWE comes up with a better name, that’s what it’s called.

After the match, he got a mic just to say that he’s our martyr, and we’re welcome. Thank you, Damien.

Segment 9: Another long RAW recap, this time of the whole Brock Lesnar/Triple H thing.

Segment 10: More stupid Touts.

Pre-Segment 11: Lilian Garcia normally dresses excessively hot, but her half-poncho and short skirt combination was just confusing. Am I wrong, Rick? [Ed. Note: I... I... I... I don't know. I actually have no specific memory of Lilian's attire, which I guess COULD be a testament to it being not-as-impressive-as-usual. Or just to how aggressively I was FF'ing when I got around to watching this afternoon. So much filler...]

Segment 11 [Fatal Four-Way Match, winner is the #1 contender to the World Heavyweight Title]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeats Daniel Bryan by pin, outlasting Rey Mysterio and Kane. Damn fine match, and a pick ‘em whether it was better or worse than the opener. Ridiculously fast-paced from start to finish, and more power moves than I would have expected out of this group. I mean, sure, Kane was punchy-kicky, but the other three worked stiff and strong too.

No words would do it justice; there weren’t any crazy spots, but there was an exciting something every few seconds or so. The ending sequence was absolutely fantastic, starting with Kane getting kneed in the face by DB, and being sent over the barricade to be rendered irrelevant. In the ring, ADR and Rey tangled, with Rey getting the better of it. Rey setup ADR for the 619, but then DB slid in the ring and wanted to break it up. However, he too got setup in the 619.

Rey hit the opposite ropes and hit the double 619 clean, sending ADR and DB in different directions in the ring. DB was fairly close to the turnbuckle, so Rey climbed to the top rope and dropped off with a diving headbutt. He made the pin! One, two…

And Ricardo remembers this is a de facto no-DQ match, so he just up and pulls Rey out of the ring. ADR, still woozy from the 619, rolled over and covered DB out of instinct. DB still had no idea what was going on, so he took the pin and the loss. ADR is your new #1 contender to Sheamus’s title, ladies and gentlemen!

Final Thoughts: A wrestling-heavy night, and what was there was damn good. Definitely worth getting the opener and closer on YouTube.

The non-wrestling parts though? Sucked monkey balls. Seriously, just skip it all. Well, other than Sheamus’s “gift” to DB, which was pretty damn funny, though I’ve already ruined the joke for you. Other than that, the filler was just plain awful, but the wrestling was about as good as you’re going to get on the weekly TV shows. Naturally, this prompts one of my famous split grades.

Nothing more from me, and no post-show notes. I’ll see you on the other side of the weekend for RAW, which remember is now permanently three hours and starts at 8pm. Take care guys!

Episode Grade: B+ (wrestling), D (everything else)

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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