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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
5 Deposits into MitB
JUne 30, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

 
I wasn’t sure I’d get to do the recap tonight, as a crazy-large storm ripped through the city, and I know how my dish is. [Ed. Note: I have no dish to worry about. But it WAS troubling when Channel 7 broke into regular programming, and started yammering about dangerous weather, and all of a sudden I heard them mention my specific neighborhood, including the name of a street about a block from me. I avoided harm, but the house across the street and one three doors down ended up with tree-related property damage.] But the storm has passed, I’m finally dry, and I’ve just spent a half-hour Google searching hot women for an OO Forums thread. I’m not sure how that relates to pro wrestling, but let’s stop thinking about it, and let’s get to the show!
 
Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Layla defeats AJ by pin. Man, how long has it been since we’ve had a show without the “modern TV opening” (as Adam Ryland calls it), where someone comes out to blather to open things and sets the tone of the episode?
 

Decent match (not just “decent enough for the divas”), but nothing special. However, the “nothing special” is more due to the fact that they were only given about two minutes rather than five. For what it’s worth, Layla is far more solid than she was before her injury, which we knew, but it’s definitely a shock for me to see her ring-capable. AJ hung with her, and it was good back-and-forth action.

Until Daniel Bryan decided to take a page out of AJ’s book, coming down and screaming “Yes!” over and over while prancing around the ring. AJ was confused and ate a quick schoolgirl roll-up pin. Of note, Layla looked like she wanted to grab the tights, but remembered she’s a face now, so she had to settle on just firmly keeping a hand on AJ’s ass. Hot.

Post-Segment 1: AJ, not happy about the loss, beats the shit out of Layla. The ref pulls AJ off finally, and DB grabs a mic and gets in the ring. He points out that it’s not so fun to be distracted during a match, is it? But DB, unlike her, isn’t running distraction just to get some attention: he’s here because he has something so totally important to talk about. Not talk about with her, but with Vickie Guerrero, who you may recall is acting general manager for the week. But he wants AJ to hear it all the same, so he and AJ stand in the ring and wait for Vickie’s appearance.

Well, she doesn’t. So DB says he’s going to hold the show hostage by just screaming “Yes!” over and over and over. The crowd chants along… and then so does AJ, which makes DB confused as hell.

Segment 2: As we come back from commercial, DB and AJ are screaming “Yes!” one after each other and at each other, with the crowd chanting along with AJ. Finally it’s Vickie who arrives with a shrill “Excuse me!,” amazingly causing Booker T to say “Thank god.” Apparently the “Yes!” is so annoying that even Vickie’s shrillness is a better option.

Vickie hits the ring and voices that DB is super annoying. DB replies that he was blathering to make a point: see, after he became the #1 contender to the WWE Championship on RAW, he needed to show everyone that both RAW and SmackDown will revolve around him. But he also wanted to thank her personally for giving him that shot, since she’s so totally super-smart for doing so, which is why he wants her to run RAW and SmackDown forever. So if she’s going to be the GM, and he’s going to be the champion, they need to work together… hand-in-hand.

Well, that certainly excites our favorite cougar, so he asks for a favor: he wants AJ to be banned from ringside during the Punk/DB title match at Money in the Bank, because she’s totally a liability and doesn’t want to lose his chance to win back his title due to AJ being a stupid jerk.

Vickie is for it, especially after AJ beat her on RAW, and after AJ tweeted about said match afterwards. But the thing is, there was a poll conducted on WWE.com to see what role they wanted AJ to be. The fans voted for her to be the guest referee, so the Board of Directors went ahead and authorized it. AJ is super happy about this, and so is the crowd, who blares out “Yes! Yes!” Even Vickie says that she should be guest referee… since the Board of Directors are super-smart and everything.

AJ doesn’t have a mic but does start chanting “Yes!” anyway. DB throws a temper tantrum and starts screaming “No!” over and over, with the fans screaming “Yes!” again. Ugh. This really is more annoying than “What?”

So DB leaves, but Vickie isn’t done. There’s going to be some qualifying matches for SmackDown’s MitB match. She reminds us that the WWE Championship Contract MitB match is for former WWE Champions only. However, the World Heavyweight Championship Contract MitB match is open to everyone. Guess we know which one will be the important one, huh?

I actually think this is a wise move. If you tried the gimmick twice—that is, have both MitB matches only open to previous champions—the roster would run dry quickly, and you’d find a situation where it would be simply too star-studded. Hell, the crowd might even get burned out by the time you get to the second one. So the RAW MitB match can be predicated on legacy and sizzle, while the SD MitB match can be predicated on workrate and steak. (Did I use “sizzle” and “steak” correctly there, Rick?) [Ed. Note: we'll see. There will be 16 guys, in total, in both matches. We only know 9 of them as of this writing. Ideally, we'd get a little sizzle and steak in both matches, although as of now, RAW's got the clear edge in terms of heat-of-the-skillet.]

the first series of qualifying matches are right the hell now. Woo woo woo, you know it.

Pre-Segment 3: Damien Sandow yay!

After Zack Ryder makes his full entrance (and the intervening commercials), DS saunters down the ramp as he says that he’s not just here for our benefit, but Zack’s benefit too! This is because Zack is “WWE’s official ambassador of ignorance, mediocrity, and stupidity.” Of course, that means Zack isn’t different from any of us either. So after he kicks Zack’s ass, we will be one step closer to having a world champion who “will shepherd you all towards the enlightenment that you all so desperately, desperately yearn for. You’re welcome.”

So easy. So awesome.

Segment 3 [Singles Match, winner qualifies for SmackDown’s Money in the Bank match]: Damien Sandow defeats Zack Ryder by pin. Decent match and surprisingly reverse-formula: Zack had most of the offense, and it was DS who had the hope spots. DS finally won with his nameless Float-over Russian Leg Sweep, but he was too banged up from Zack’s offense to pin with his fluttering eyebrows.

Of note, DS’s signature elbow drop (much like the People’s Elbow without the running) now has a name, though it’s possibly wrong. Allow to me get all etymologist up in here.

According to Michael Cole, the name of his move is “Cubito Aequet,” which is “Elbow of Distain” in Latin. However, I’m curious if he actually meant “distain.” Remember that when most people pronounce or write “distain,” they usually actually mean “disdain.” “Distain” is a verb only that means to dishonor, or to literally stain (i.e. with a fluid), or both (i.e., staining one’s honor), whereas “disdain” can be a verb or noun that means having contempt for someone, or that the subject is contemptible. The thing is, “distain” is archaic and not, technically, supposed to be used in modern American English.

Theoretically, either one could work for Damien Sandow, but I think they screwed up. Calling it the Elbow of Distain would mean “I’m elbow dropping you to strip you of your honor,” but that would imply DS would think anyone is honorable, and I doubt he would think that about anyone else. Calling it the “Elbow of Disdain” means “I’m elbow dropping you because you’re an unintelligent piece of shit,” which makes way more sense and is way more consistent. Ergo, if they meant for it to be “Elbow of Disdain,” then it would be “Cubito Fastidio,” not “Cubito Aequet.” Then again, maybe Sandow is so totally educated that he actually did mean “distain” because he wants to prove his intellectual superiority by using archaic words in incorrect contexts. Who knows, maybe “Cubito Aequet” will be the next “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”

In case that drove you insane, here’s the short version: WWE calls it “Cubito Aequet,” and I think it should be “Cubito Fastidio.” Either way, my vocabulary is better than the Creative Team’s, and my custom MS Word Dictionary just got a half-dozen new words for itself.

Am I making too much out of this? Shit yes, I am. But DS is my new favorite superstar and he’s set a bar to be perfectly grammatically correct, so you can all suck my oculus. (That’s “eyeball,” sicko.)

Segment 4: DB is storming around in the back, then starts pounding on the door to the divas’ locker room because he wants to talk to AJ. It’s Kaitlyn who pops out, and she says that AJ’s not even in there… and even if she was, she wouldn’t let DB in.

DB insists that there must be something Kaitlyn can do, like at least tell him where she is! She says there is one thing she suggests, but it’s super-secret, so he leans down right next to her mouth. She deadpans with a whisper: “You may want to get on her good side, because she’s slightly mentally unstable.” DB doesn’t look happy, but Kaitlyn hits a perfect eye roll and shrug that conveys “What a dumbass” as she heads back into the locker room. DB begs for more information, but just gets the door slammed in his face.

Segment 5 [Singles Match, winner qualifies for SmackDown’s Money in the Bank match]: Tyson Kidd defeats Jack Swagger by pin. I had already typed “Jack Swagger defeats…” in the header based on the mere fact that Kidd didn’t get an entrance. Whoops. I may have awesome vocabulary, but apparently I have a pretty shitty ability to predict match outcomes.

Solid match, nothing really special until the end. We had the standard formula here, with Jack doing heel beatdowns between Kidd hope spots. At the end, Jack had Kidd in the ankle lock, but Kidd was so close to the corner ropes that he just climbed up them with his hands, then pushed off, letting him roll through the move. Kidd followed that up with a roundhouse kick, then did something totally crazy-awesome. Kidd went to the top rope and, as Jack approached, jumped off with a forward flip to turn it into a senton neckbreaker. I’m pretty sure that was Buff Bagwell’s old finisher, but Buff never stuck with it to grab the target’s leg, then hook the other leg with his own leg, to turn it into one fine-looking (and also uncomfortable-looking) pinning combination. Pretty sweet finish, you might want to YouTube it. [Ed. Note: FWIW, Kidd's been OWNING it on matches you can only see on youtube, lately. Superstars, the new NXT, etc. Working as a babyface agrees with him. Might be why somebody decided to let him onto TV.]

Segment 6: Apparently they can’t find enough people to talk about their RAW memories because WWE has started in with reruns. It’s Jerry Lawler again to talk about Stone Cold Steve Austin smacking Vince McMahon upside the head with a bedpan.

Segment 7: Dolph Ziggler is in the back and talking to Vickie. He’s a little disappointed that she can’t pull some strings to make his match against Sheamus a singles match for the title instead of a triple threat match that also includes Alberto Del Rio. Vickie implies that she would if she could, but she’s under constant surveillance from the Board, and doesn’t want to risk their wrath.

Dolph says she may not be able to change the match, but he really wants to be champion, damnit! So how about this: ban the Blarney Boot and the Cross Arm Breaker. Vickie isn’t so sure how well that look for her, and Dolph guilt trips her: “Oh, this all about you? It’s Vickie time, is that it?” He starts to lose it as he orders her to make those bans because he’s been busting his ass and never got his shot. But one he says he’s not asking her but telling her to do it, she slaps the taste out of his mouth.

It’s a wake-up call and manages to remove all the caffeine from his bloodstream too. He calmly accepts the non-change, but asks her to at least announce him for the match, and then be there to raise his hand in victory after he so totally wins. She accepts this, and they part in awkward silence.

Pre-Segment 8: It seems David Otunga has a slightly new entrance. He still has the same music, but once he gets in the ring, the lights are killed aside from a spotlight (the Titantron remains on but even all the stage lights are killed, sorta like how Batista’s lighting worked), and he flexes and poses as we see entirely too many muscles and skin folds on a human anatomy. So I guess it’s a cross between Batista and pre-suspension Chris Masters, except somehow more gross. I’m sure Vince’s boner is popping as that airs.

Segment 8 [Tag Match, winners qualify for SmackDown’s Money in the Bank match]: Christian & Santino Marella defeat David Otunga & Cody Rhodes by pin. Very good match with a hot crowd, though honestly it was mostly the Christian and Cody show. Still, that is a testament to the other guys as well: Santino and Otunga stayed in the ring only as long as they needed to. Even when Otunga busted out a chin lock, it was an actual submission move, and he held it for less time than it takes Randy Orton to complete an independent clause.

Christian served as the false face in peril and the savior, but thanks to Cody’s timely counters, he couldn’t hit the Killswitch. He did, however, hit an out-of-nowhere Spear on Otunga to finish the match.

However, the finish alone doesn’t testify to the quality of the match. Christian and Cody work very well together, and all their moves were beautifully executed regardless of who was on offense. Every counter was believable and smooth, every attack was solid psychology. I wouldn’t mind seeing them one-on-one for a good twenty minutes, though it’s certainly not going to be at the next pay-per-view.

Segment 9: Sheamus is in the back to discuss the main event triple threat title match with Matt Striker. Sheamus concedes that he doesn’t have to lose the match to lose his title, but hey: he doesn’t live with what if’s. But he knows that ADR is a pompous dick because he’s rich, and that Dolph is a pompous dick because he’s… well, because he’s Dolph. And either way, he gets to kick their collective arse.

Segment 10: AJ is somewhere in the back and playing with her hair, which I’m not afraid to admit is an action that I think is kinda hot. DB finds her finally, then sucks up and says that he’s just so totally concerned for her well-being, and maybe she should see a psychiatrist. That’s because he totally cares about her, and all people who care for each other try to help each other. Maybe he should give her the shrink’s number?

“Yes,” she says. “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.” And each yes is punctuated with her fingers popping up, rather than her full arms like she and DB normally do. After DB gets the point, she merrily skips off while he fumes.

Cute. I know I said this a couple recaps ago, but she really is doing everything she needs to do to prove she’s a few hamburgers short of a McDonald’s.

Segment 11 [Ryback Match]: Ryback wins.

Segment 12: Aksana is Frenching Antonio Cesaro. Teddy Long arrives to say that he totally doesn’t mind their public displays of affection and there’s no hard feelings. Antonio says that’s great, then wants to continue licking Aksana’s esophagus.

But Teddy doesn’t leave. Instead, he adds that next week, he is the GM for RAW and SmackDown once again. Aksana immediately starts sucking up and trying to tickle his chin, but Teddy calmly says he’s not falling for that happy-crappy anymore. Still, he sees that they’re so totally a perfect couple… so perfect that he’s booked them in a match against Khali and Layla. Yay?

Segment 13 [Singles Match, winner qualifies for SmackDown’s Money in the Bank match]: Tensai (w/ Sakamoto) defeats Justin Gabriel by pin. Meh. Decent enough match but a foregone conclusion.

Segment 14: Triple H’s RAW memory is, once again, his comeback after recovering from his torn quad.

Pre-Segment 15: ADR kills time by blathering for cheap heat while getting to the ring during his entrance. Vickie arrives to cut him off and announce Dolph with total confidence, but doesn’t stick around to watch.

Segment 15 [Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Title]: Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler by pin and outlasts Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez), and retains. It took a while to get going, but this turned into a very solid match, just a smidge better than even Christian/Cody.

There were no major spots worthy of typing, but that’s because I don’t recall seeing a match this equalized in a long time. All three guys got their offense, it was clean other than some brawly spots (such as Sheamus being flung into the commentators’ laps), and it was fast-paced and back-and-forth the whole way. It’s definitely YouTube worthy with a pretty hot crowd as well.

The finish saw Dolph—who spent most of the match getting cheered and absorbing “Let’s go Ziggler!” chants without any “Ziggler sucks” pairings—getting over on ADR and pinning him by sitting on him. But then Sheamus gave him a nice Blarney Boot. Dolph has a reason to complain—he had the match won at that point, other than the three-count—but he can’t complain too loudly, because it was still a clean finish.

Of note, the commentators mentioned that ADR is still owed a singles title match, which he earned prior to his injury. I’m not sure if that’s storyline for the sake of a future angle, or they just said it to add flavor to the match, but I hope it’s the former. [Ed. Note: Whatever it is (I apparently wasn't paying close enough attention to hear this myself), it's pretty much in direct violation of the commentary they did JUST LAST WEEK during Alberto's match, when it was made clear that Alberto had been sent to the back of the line when he missed his PPV shot. I thought that was dumb, so I guess I shouldn't complain if they unsaid it?]

Final Thoughts: And… that’s it. Pretty solid night overall, surprisingly. Other than the opening, the non-wrestling segments weren’t all that entertaining. But man, the wrestling was pretty solid from front to back.

Counting an emergency phone call and money transfer, dinner, and entirely too much fun spent on Google Translate, the recap has taken me nearly four hours. I’m tired. I’ve said everything I needed to say, I think, so I’m calling it a night.

Oh, I guess I should remind you about the programming note, though I’ll repeat it on Monday anyway: SmackDown next week will air on Tuesday, as it’s live and starts at 8pm on Syfy. Remember that it’s “Great American Bash” themed, for whatever that will mean, other than an inevitable appearance by Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I figure WWE already blew its load on bikini-clad divas (figuratively of course), so maybe Tuesday will feature a food fight? As if anyone gives a shit?

Anyway, I’ll see for RAW on the other side of the weekend, guys.

Episode Grade: B+ (wrestling segments), C- (everything else)

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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