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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
When Worlds Collide (veerrrrrrrrrryy slloooooooowwwwwwllllyy)
May 19, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

 
I’m not normally into reality shows, but there are a couple exceptions. No, none of the dating crap like The Bachelor or the alleged singing crap; contests and pseudo-contests bore me. My favorite reality shows—assuming they even fall under the definition—are building or science reality shows. MythBusters is my far-and-away favorite, but I think I found a new #2 in Dream Machines. [Ed. Note: Allow me to inform OO Nation that MythBusters is NOT a reality show, on the grounds that I willingly -- perhaps even enthusiastically -- watch it.] [Ed. Note to the Ed. Note: My enthusiasm is a direct funtion of Kari Byron's level of participation in any given episode.]
 
I’ll give WWE credit: by sticking John Cena in an episode and shoving it on commercials during RAW, it piqued my interest. So I recorded the Cena episode, and I really enjoy the program even though I’m not a car guy. It’s cool seeing a car go from nothing but a dude’s imagination to a real, physical thing that’s street legal and awesome. And Cena’s in particular was sweet: if anyone is going to appreciate a car that spits fire as the driver makes an “entrance” from the vehicle, it’s a guy who calls himself PyroFalkon with a straight face.
 
 

Better than that though is the fact that the Parker brothers, the guys who run the shop, don’t have a lot of drama. I once gave American Choppers a shot, but the show seemed more about the personalities and arguments more air time than the bikes. Tension is fine and can be entertaining or interesting in small doses, but when that’s the focus of a show that pretends it’s about bikes, we have a problem. With Dream Machines, the brothers may bitch at each other now and then when they disagree about the build, but the focus of the show is the car, and how freaking cool it winds up being. And seriously, this…?

…Is freaking cool. I want one, but I have a feeling that even though they never reveal the price on the show, it would take the rest of my life and then some at Wal-Mart to afford it. Maybe once My Rosa Mendes takes me on as her boytoy, she’ll buy one for me.

Speaking of fantasies, let’s get to SmackDown, which will be totally awesome and cool, break all sorts of ratings records, and change the face of professional wrestling forever!

Segment 1: Johnny Ace hits the ring to open the show without an opening montage… and hey! His music is available on iTunes! That’s a good investment for Apple!

(I kid. I actually love the fact that WWE is savvy enough to stick damn near every entrance theme they have to buy, each priced for less than a yummy Doritos Locos Taco. But still: who the hell is buying Ace’s theme, when you can get Zack Ryder’s or Randy Orton’s?)

Ace gets booed out of the building, but he takes up a mic anyway and bemoans the Board of Directors decision to actually make his match with John Cena, you know, fair. He asked the Board to reconsider, which didn’t, so he wants all of us to “say a prayer for him” tonight to make sure he stays warm and safe on Sunday.

And here comes CM Punk, probably not to lead the congregation. Oh wait, maybe not: Punkers says that he has been praying! And apparently, the prayers are answered, due to the stipulations of the match (which he recaps, and I don’t recap crap I’ve already recapped, even recapped recaps of damn fine recappers). Punk says he’s totally going to celebrate Ace’s firing next week, which is so totally going to happen. Punk goes on that Ace is a toolbox, using his hammer of termination and screwdriver of humiliation tactics to be a jerk, but is now facing the other end of the… uh… drill?

Well, Ace doesn’t like that crap and isn’t fired yet, so he goes ahead and says Punk has to face Kane tonight. Punk replies that he’s going to walk into that match and will stand up for himself because he’s a man and doesn’t run away from challenges. Besides, he at least respects Kane, which he doesn’t concerning Ace. He promises that in a week, he’ll still have the WWE Championship around his waist, and Ace will be in the unemployment line.

Punk’s music plays off the champ, who makes random taunts as he heads up to the stage. But Ace isn’t done blathering, and continues to sell us that he’s a super-awesome boss, but the harder he works at it, “the harder we crap all over him.” And ultimately, everything is the fans’ fault, and he hates us all. The feeling is mutual, asshat. He concludes by saying he wants us to go to hell, forgetting that if we did, no one would be contributing to his paycheck. Dumbass… just like most out-of-touch executives. [Ed. Note: that last riff -- "the harder I work, the more you hate me" -- actually epitomizes Ace, perfectly. Because nobody ever doubted his effort... but effort doesn't matter when you've spent 8 years being shitty at your job. Try as hard as you want, put in 80 hour weeks, and it still doesn't change the fact that somebody else could come in, put in half as much effort, and do the job twice as well. The Culture of Mediocrity is alive and well!]

Michael Cole tries like hell to defend him, but I’m not entirely sure Cole believes himself at this point.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: R-Truth & Kofi Kingston defeat Darren Young & Titus O’Neil by pin. Just about as close as you can get to a tag squash, the match was solid but nothing special. The faces put on a clinic of double-team moves, and the heels just couldn’t get it together.

Cut Scene: Zack Ryder is in the back and filming an episode of Z! True Island Story, but is interrupted by a camera pan. It seems Damien Sandow is unimpressed, and I find myself conflicted entirely too much.

Segment 3: Sandow makes his entrance and verbosely recaps that he tried to debut on SmackDown a couple weeks ago, but found himself vexed by the fact that he faced and unworthy opponent, and refused to lower himself to deal with it. (Yes, I did just recap a recap of crap I’ve already recapped; Sandow is that fucking awesome to me. I am going to push him to Mars when WWE ’13 comes out this fall.) Sadly, he finds himself in the same situation now as he looks at Yoshi Tatsu. So once again, he refuses to fight because, damnit, it’s for our benefit. We’re welcome! And Sandow walks away while spreading his arms like the wrestling messiah. Boo!

But that’s when Yoshi grabs a mic and declares that Sandow is chicken. Unless Yoshi is hungry for KFC and ate some really good mushrooms before the match, I’m pretty sure he’s saying Sandow is a pussy.

Sandow draws the same conclusion, turns, and asks “What did you just say?” Yoshi replies by clucking.

Well, the hell with that noise. Sandow rips off his robe, and… uh… florescent pink briefs and Sacramento Kings purple knee pads? Really? Goddamnit… I guess the first thing I’ll do with WWE ’13 is give him a palette swap before pushing him.

So Sandow and his unfortunate attire slide in the ring, then give Yoshi a cheap shot while his back is turned. Then Sandow grabs Yoshi’s head and slams his face several times into the top turnbuckle. Sandow finishes by doing a crossed arms neckbreaker, which Yoshi sells like a gunshot. I’m not entirely sold on the idea that Sandow’s finisher is the same as a diva’s, but whatever.

Sandow leaves the ring—there was no match—and forces himself to calm down as we get replays. Not exactly what I was hoping for, so hopefully he’s got better wrestling skills saved up for when he gets a real match.

Segment 4: After a recap of Sheamus and Orton beating on each other during RAW, they’re both interviewed in the back by Matt Striker. They go against each other tonight, so it seems a little dangerous to have them trash talk mere inches from each other, but whatever. I’m sure Striker is wearing a cup.

So Sheamus starts off by saying that they’re alike in that they have short fuses… but unlike Orton, Sheamus can harness it into something positive, hence why he’s the World Heavyweight Champion right now.

Orton counters that unlike Sheamus, he knows that he used to be overconfident to the point of being a jerk. But he’s learned… and he also knows that he can totally win the title on Sunday without actually pinning Sheamus. Still, he would rather pin Sheamus to take the belt than pinning either of the other two.

Well, Sheamus is happy that Orton at least had the testicular fortitude to say that to his face, rather than just deliver some cheap shots. Hell, Sheamus could totally just give Orton a Blarney Boot right now! But he won’t, because he’s a nice guy.

Sheamus starts to leave, but Orton gets in the last word: he agrees that they’re different in that Sheamus is a “nice guy,” but hey, we all know where nice guys finish, don’t we?

Wow, that was a surprisingly good promo from both guys. Nothing legendary, but it served its purpose and wasn’t annoying as hell. Can’t ask for much more from Orton.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Zack Ryder by submission. Basically an extended squash, Ryder got one hope spot when he went for the Broski Boot. DB dodged it, hit a sweet roundhouse kick, then slapped on the Yes! Lock to draw a tap out.

Pre-Segment 6: After commercials, we see that DB hung out at ringside to join the others on commentary for the next match.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats CM Punk by disqualification. Solid match with Kane doing most of the work. DB kept the worst parts of his character in check while on commentary, and in fact cut a better, more interesting “promo” as a result by actually calling the match but talking about how he can counter basically everything Punk did.

The story of the match was Punk’s ribs, which took an early shot when he went ribs-first into the ring post. From there, he sold the ribs non-stop, and Kane helped out with rib-targeted offense. Eventually, Punk couldn’t even hit the GTS during his hope spot due to the ribs, and Kane took advantage. But Punk kept up the pressure with a timely roundhouse kick to get out of an attempted chokeslam.

The match spilled out of the east side of the ring, and we heard the telltale sound of a headset hitting the table. As the camera panned out, we saw DB stand with a folded chair ready to go. Punk saw him at the last second, and they just stared at each other as the ref yelled at DB to put down the weapon DB did so… after blasting Kane in the back with it.

Post-Segment 6: DB immediately ran away as the bell sounded. Kane realized immediately what happened, so he decided to take out his anger on Punk by giving him a stiff uppercut. Then, Kane picked up the chair and completely blasted Punk in the ribs with it, then delivered another half-dozen shots as Punk was face down on the mats.

Kane continued the assault by bouncing Punk’s face off the table, then the barricade. He tossed Punk back in the ring, then delivered two chokeslams, because at that point, why not? DB applauded the shit out of it and had a big grin on his face as he looked on at Punk and his collapsed lungs.

Pre-Segment 7: Apparently Cody Rhodes and Santino Marella have had a Twitter war over the last week, and we’re supposed to care. I know they’re having a feud, but I rarely check my own Twitter feed, let alone follow anyone else.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Santino Marella reverse-squashes Cody Rhodes by pin. Decent match, but nothing special. Cody pretty much did all but the last offensive move, when Santino ducked a clothesline and countered with a Cobra out of nowhere to win.

Segment 8: Replay of Show getting fired on Monday, set to soft acoustic music. Pass. [Ed. Note: OO once again asks, "Anvil, or Red Herring?"... cuz WWE sure is bludgeoning us over the head with the fact that Big Show is no longer a "superstar."]

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Randy Orton by pin. It took a while to get going, but it was pretty fun once we got there. They spent most of the first half of the match doing arm-targeted offense to each other, but that started getting ignored in favor of punchy-kicky-slammy, which isn’t a complaint with these two guys. [Ed. Note: I'll go ahead and complain. This match is the posterboy for why "longer" doesn't always equal "good wrestling." A match-up of your two top megafaces on this brand should have sizzle; this display was more like 15 minutes of sitting on the counter at room temperature, followed by 10 minutes of light sauteeing. Seemed way over-long to me, something that might have to do with my own lack of a strong rooting interest, and amplified by a crowd that was even less interested than I was. In which case, your mileage may vary. But if pressed, my opinion is definitely "10 minutes of I-give-a-shit in a 25 minute bag."]

The end game was a slick triple- or maybe even quadruple-reversey affair with both guys trying their finishers but no one capable of hitting it. Sheamus went for the Blarney Boot, but crotched himself on the top rope after whiffing and fell to the apron. Orton followed that up with the Hangman’s DDT and ring humping, but when he went for the RKO, Sheamus pushed him off toward the south ropes. As Orton rebounded, and Sheamus went for the Blarney Boot again, but Orton ducked. Orton then went for the RKO again, but Sheamus quickly slipped out and did a quick schoolboy roll up. For once, the pin actually worked!

Orton wasn’t hurt but spent the post-match sitting on his butt and hitting the perfect expression to convey both surprise and respect. After they got up, Orton said “You got me,” then offered to shake his hand. Sheamus didn’t trust him… but went ahead and did it.

And paid for his act of sportsmanship with the RKO. By coincidence or good aim, Orton landed in such a way that as he got up, he was face-to-faceplate with the World Heavyweight Title, so he stared at it for a slightly uncomfortable amount of time before walking away. Sheamus stayed down and, presumably, took a nap.

Final Thoughts: Decent night and a good run-up to Over the Limit, but only the main event is really carrying any “oomph”… and even then, we only saw two of the guys tonight. [Ed. Note: del Rio was doing a PR tour of China, so he wasn't at the tapings. Having Jericho, but not Alberto, show up would have been awkward. Or assymetrical, at least.] Sure, ADR and Chris Jericho showed up on RAW, but the whole Fatal Four-Way still comes down to basically just Orton and Sheamus, the others be damned. Given Jericho’s losing streak and floptastic return this year, I want him to win, but what the hell do I know?

Everything else is in the recap already, so I’m going to call it a night. Have a good weekend guys, and I’ll see you on the other side for RAW. I’m sure Rick will have the Over the Limit recap on Sunday, and you can kick him a few bucks since you’re all totally generous and attractive people who aren’t freeloaders at all. (And major credit cards are accepted!)

Episode Grade: B-

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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