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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Everybody Hates Berto
May 12, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

 

So a few weeks ago, I bought a laptop from Wal-Mart that I'll be able to fully write off my taxes next year. As I've established before, as much as I love technology, I'm not a technodouche. I bet Rick will agree with me that anyone who thinks they're important enough to always wear a Bluetooth earpiece deserves a couple mule kicks to the genitals. [Ed. Note: Yes.] Other than a few people who actually need it (like the Secret Service, when they're not too busy "holstering their weapons" into prostitutes), most toolboxes have no business being always connected to their cellphones. I doubt your ugly spouse wanting you to remember to pick up diapers warrants saving the extra half-second it would take to pull your cell out of your pocket.
 

What was I saying? Oh, my laptop. I got it for business reasons only. I have a friend who was trying like crazy to sell me an iPad, but given that literally the only things I do on the laptop are write and surf the Net for IGN Entertainment research, I can write it off as a total business expense. I thought I'd have to do a partial write-off given that I'm also using it to further my YouTube shenanigans, but I was convinced that even YouTube is "furthering my brand," which hopefully flies with the Internal Revenue Service as well as it flew with me. Hooray self-employment tax laws!

 
 
 

So right now, this is my first recap I'm writing on the laptop (which I'ven named Flatsy), since the desktop is busy cooking a new video. I'm writing in WordPad, which doesn't have my custom OO dictionary, or even a spellchecker for that matter, so my grammar may be a little hit-and-miss here. And damnit, I can't even make links, so I'll just have to say that I wanted to link "my YouTube shenanigans" in the preceeding paragraph with this link: http://www.youtube.com/user/PyroFalkon?feature=mhee.

...Oh wait, it does make links. Well, that's good to know! Still, hopefully that's the only one I'll need to whip out for this week. Let's get to SmackDown, where I breathlessly await Damien Sandow to tell me how much I need his intelligence.

Opening: After a replay of what happened on RAW concerning Johnny Ace making a Fatal Four-Way match for the World Heavyweight Championship, we cut right to the ring (no opening theme) for our opening tag match.

Segment 1 [Tag Match]: Randy Orton & Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio & Chris Jericho draw by double disqualification. Decent match with a weird finish. Faces had control early, but not without a little gamesmanship. Orton started things off but decided to tag out by smacking Sheamus's injured arm. Sheamus wasn't hurt, but glared at Orton. Sheamus returned the favor by smacking him back.

Back-and-forth a bit until Sheamus became the face in peril when he went to bounce off the east ropes, but Jericho (who was illegal at the time) pulled down the top rope. The FIP sequence didn't last too long, as Sheamus got the hot tag to Orton who cleaned house. Orton went for a pin on Jericho, but ADR broke it up. Then came a Pier Four Brawl and... DQ finish for no reason? Really? As if we don't see Pier Four Brawls in every tag match.

After the match, the brawl continued. Orton got the better of ADR out of the ring by throwing him over the barricade, while Sheamus got the better of Jericho in the ring by throwing him over the top rope.

For story purposes, it works without having anyone lose much face. But still, do basically call a double-DQ for things that are legal in just about every other tag match was... weird.

Pre-Segment 2: After commercials, we're told that Eve Tweeted an announcement, since I guess that's how WWE runs the show nowadays. Eve (being the de facto general manager with Johnny Ace being completely out of his mind) has announced that the tag match ending is bullshit, and so we're going to have two singles matches instead.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: AJ squashes Kaitlyn by pin. Man, Kaitlyn's looking good. And she's got some pretty cool music too. I mean, don't get me wrong, it seems like it's fairly generic club dance music that sounds like it's out of Dance Dance Revolution, but it's still very fitting and upbeat. Good fit for Kaitlyn.

Unfortuantely, the match was about 30 seconds long and we didn't get to see if Kaitlyn has improved at all in the ring since Girl NXT. AJ looked sad the whole time, including her pouty entrance, but she went totally apeshit on Kaitlyn's face, Lou Thesz style. After a couple presses, AJ just did a Stiff As Fuck running jumping knee while Kaitlyn was on her knees. Holy shit, was that stiff. Either Kaitlyn will have one hell of a bruise tonight, or she (like Beth) did a damn good job of making us think she was hurt worse than she is.

Post-Segment 2: AJ isn't done and just pounces on the prone Kaitlyn, continuing to put her fist through Kaitlyn's eye.

Ah, but it doesn't last very long, as here comes Daniel Bryan. AJ looks ashamed of herself, but DB actually compliments her for being a ruthless bitch. She's very pleased with this, or more like "relieved." She's hopeful as DB uses flowery words to finally promise that he'll totally "move on" from their harsh words and other issues since WrestleMania once he beats CM Punk for the WWE Championship at Over the Limit.

"That is, I'm looking forward to moving on... to Kaitlyn."

Holy shit. DB has the gall to laugh about it too. Something mentally snaps in AJ, you can see it in her face, as she looks into DB's laughing, grinning face. But AJ doesn't pull the trigger, and instead just storms out of the ring, totally humiliated. The crowd boos the shit out of her for not attacking him, and they start singing along to his "Yes! Yes!" chants. What the hell, fans?

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan reverse-squashes Big Show by Montreal screwjob. DB was still all smiles as we came back from commercial, because humiliating women is apparently what makes you awesome and popular. But that smile vanished when Show hit the ring, and he proceeded to make DB his bitch for a few minutes.

Then DB hit a flying knee of the top rope and quickly slapped on the Yes! Lock. After a nanosecond, the bell rang. The camera quickly moved there, and Johnny Ace came out of the mist like Donny Most to declare that Show totally submitted.

Post-Segment 3: DB bailed but still celebrated as if he won the Super Bowl as Ace got in the ring. Ace confronts Show about the latter mocking the former's voice on Monday night RAW. Ace dresses down Show in the ring, but Show plays along reluctantly and calls Ace "sir" as he agrees with Ace that mocking his voice is totally not professional or funny. And Ace assures Show that he will apologize again, this time sincerely, on this upcoming Monday. That'll put asses in the seats.

Oh wait, he's got something more to say, this time from the stage. He says that Brock Lesnar destroyed John Cena and "revolutionized WWE" by doing so. Similarly, he's sure he'll shake WWE to its foundation when he beats Cena at Over the Limit, so says People Power.

Pre-Segment 4: Heath Slater talks. You know what's coming...

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Ryback squashes Heath Slater by pin. Whatever.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Antonio Cesaro (w/ Aksana) defeats Alex Riley by pin. Teddy Long had to be the guest ring announcer and was forced to give Cesaro an overly flowery introduction, if you care. Aksana put her hair up for the first time since... well, maybe ever, and she wasn't looking too bad. I'll still any of half the divas over her any day of the week, though.

Basically an extended squash, A-Ri didn't even get an entrance. Cesaro, for his part, is physically impressive but has no personality in the ring, similar to Ryback. Cesaro is mostly punchy-kicky-slammy, he works a little stiffly and his moves look legit enough. He didn't flub anything, so technically speaking, he's a solid professional wrestler. He's just not that interesting, and being Aksana's boytoy isn't going to cut it.

At least his finisher is cool. It doesn't have a name yet, and it has no real description, so I'll give it my best shot. Basically, he gets Alex up in the piledriver position, but rather than falling backward on his ass, he falls forward, which makes the victim get faceplanted. Maybe a piledriver-to-forward faceplant? Whatever it is, it works, it looks painful, and I don't question the guy's skills or in-ring looks. If only he'd just say or do something to make me give a shit.

Post-Segment 5: Aksana gets a mic and says there's no hard feelings with Teddy, but she and Antonio are totally lovers. They have a tongue wrestling match in front of Teddy because, you know, why not?

I feel for you from experience, Teddy. I wish I didn't, but I do.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) by disqualification. Solid if time-compressed match that saw ADR doing arm-targeted offense the whole time. But when he wanted the cross-legged arm breaker, Orton wiggled out. Orton delivered his Hangman's DDT whilst ADR's feet were hooked on the corner's middle ropes, then Orton started humping the ring.

That's when Ricardo decided to get involved by climing up on the opposite turnbuckle. I don't know what he was planning, but Orton saw him coming. RR did some sort of diving headbutt, so Orton just caught him in midair with a decent RKO. (Orton didn't quite have the proper grip because someone misjudged the angle or timing, but it looked good enough, and probably wasn't noticable live.) Even though RR took the damage, the ref called for the bell.

Post-Segment 6: ...Not that ADR cared, as he immediately started beating the hell out of Orton. ADR quickly locked on the cross-legged arm breaker after all. Orton grabbed the bottom rope to lessen the pressure; I'm not sure physics work that way, maybe that was just the commentators covering for Orton being momentarily losing his mind and thinking he could get the ref to break the hold, but hey, it works for the storyline.

Several refs hit the ring and helped break the hold. ADR was all smiles despite the loss as he crawled away, while Orton writhed and grunted on the mats at ringside.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: R-Truth (w/ Kofi Kingston) defeats Jack Swagger (w/ Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Decent match but nothing special. Partway through the match, they cut back to RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! and her guys, including AW, watching on a monitor. Michael Cole said that AW has declared that he will decide when Primo and Epico will invoke their rematch clause for the Tag Titles.

A bit later, during Truth's hope spot, Dolph Ziggler broke up Truth's pin attempt, for some reason, this didn't cause a DQ... nor when Dolph tried to punch Truth, despite Referee McDoucher standing right there looking on. Truth blocked it and punched Dolph anyway, and then Kofi arrived to take Dolph down. Still, while I can suspend my disbelief enough to normally deal with professional wrestling's little quirks, is it too much to ask for rule consistency during the same night?

Jack took advantage at this point, blindsiding Truth and throwing him back in the ring. However, Truth slapped him as he was entering the ring. As the ref admonished him for it, Kofi kicked Jack in the head (via Trouble in Paradise) behind the ref's back. It set up Jack for the Lie Detector and the pin.

Segment 8: Replay of the John Cena to-camera interview from Monday night, minus Cole's remarks. Apparently on RAW this Monday (from my second-favorite city in the Union), Cena and Ace will be face-to-face for, I dunno, a debate or interview or something.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: Titus O'Niel & Darren Young defeat Zack Ryder & Santino Marella by pin. Surprisingly solid match despite little teamwork until the end. It's weird because in previous matches, both teams' members work well together. It's not that they screwed up; it's that they hardly did any double-team moves or anything until the end-game. Strange.

It was a good match though, with Santino taking FIP and Zack going house of fire convincingly. Zack couldn't close the deal due to Titus's interference from the outside, so Santino (also illegal at the time) chased him around with the Cobra. However, Young moved outside the ring and cut Santino down with a clothesline, though Zack took down Titus as well with a diving move from the ring.

Down to just the two legal men in the ring, Zack had temporary advantage by doing corner punches to Young. Young slipped through Zack's legs though, then pulled Zack off the corner. Zack's feet were hooked though, so it was basically like Zack powerbombed himself.

As Zack tried to clear the cobwebs, Titus got back up on the apron and held the tag rope, then took the tag. The two hit their finisher, which I guess is now called the Ghetto Blaster. I know that's the name of a move, but I didn't realize it was the name of this move. Zack isn't getting back up from that, and a pin seals the deal.

Post-Segment 9: Titus grabs a mic and asks the ever-hot Lilian Garcia to announce their names again. After that, Titus says that he and Young are so totally the next Tag Team Champions. Oh, and the only difference between them and other tag teams is apparently "millions of dollars," which Titus starts chanting while air-humping absolutely nothing. Cole starts chanting along because I'm not angry enough tonight, but I will agree with him on one thing: finally some personality in the tag division. These guys may be heels, but they're so stupidly funny (or humorously stupid) that you can't help but smile.

Segment 10: Ah, speaking of stupidly funny or humorously stupid, Damien Sandow is in the back to be interviewed by Matt Striker. Sandow begins by apologizing to Striker if his "vernacular last week scared or confused you in any way." Just the fact that he used the word "vernacular" makes me happy, but he's aces with his sardonic, dismissive tone as he says: "To think you were once an educator."

Sandow proceeds to say that the people yearn for enlightenment, though he says "people" as if a wet burp died in his throat and he's tasting it combined with last night's caviar. Sandow goes on that the people look to "false prophets" who aren't really worth anything, and he'll totally expose them, because he's the beam of enlightenment. Speaking of exposing, I'll bet you ten bucks that's what he calls his man-stick as he seduces elegant women from clubs way too exclusive for us common rabble.

Sandow declares that the interview is concluded with the line that he'll be the "bright beam of enlightenment that will serve as the avenging sword of taste and decency." Striker opens his mouth a nanometer, and Sandow shushes him just so he can hit his "You're welcome" line.

Nice. It makes me wish I could reach into the past and get DX Classic to deal with him. Or even better, even though he's on SmackDown, I'm already longing for the day when CM Punk can drop a pipebomb on the guy. Either way, as I said last week, I'm really hoping his wrestling skills back up his promo proficiency.

Pre-Segment 11: Brodus Clay hits the ring with his girls for a signles match. Hunico cuts an unbelievably shitty promo during his entrance. It sounds like even Hunico himself doesn't know what he's talking about as he hits the ring.

But more to the point, Camacho hits Brodus from behind as Hunico hits him from the front. After a quick shit-kicking, they wishbone his legs.

Finally after that, the ref manages to pull them off. Brodus, rather than looking hurt, just looks pissed off and happy simultaneously somehow.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Brodus Clay (w/ Naomi & Cameron) squashes Hunico (w/ Camacho) by pin. Clay did the leg jiggle grossness, then proceeded to no-sell everything as he beat the shit out of Hunico. Camacho even tried to interfere again but Brodus just shoved him off the apron to end that nonsense.

Segment 12: Replay of Brock Lesnar breaking Triple H's arm, and Paul Heyman's return on Monday. Trips will address the crowd (and us) live on Monday.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Chris Jericho defeats Sheamus by disqualification. Solid match without any noteworthy spots, but a worthy main event. Sheamus was punchy-kicky but each effort was cut short by Jericho's arm-targeted offense. We didn't see anything too fancy, just hammerlocks and such, but it all told the story of softening up Sheamus in prepartion for the Fatal Four-way.

Jericho even managed to apply the Walls, but Sheamus grabbed the bottom rope and the hold was broken. Howver, Sheamus couldn't capitalize by doing anything more than back body dropping Jericho over the top rope. And that's when ADR came down from the back, then threw Jericho headfirst into the steps.

Post-Segment 13: The ref called for the bell, but he quickly bailed when ADR dove into the ring and slapped on the cross-legged arm breaker. But then Orton ran down to make the "save," though it was more to just beat up ADR for sucker-punching him earlier.

Orton delivered a few mounted punches to ADR. Sheamus by then had recovered, so the Irishman threw ADR off and got in his own mounted punches. Orton doesn't like being touched, so he grabbed Sheamus and bitched him out. ADR woozily got to his feet, but Jericho slid in the ring and hit ADR with the Codebreaker, then rolled out before the faces could deal with him.

Orton and Sheamus didn't really care, but looked at ADR's body. Feeling that he took their jobs (that's not an overly dated reference, is it?), Orton invited Sheamus to help him use ADR as a meat sack. As soon as ADR got up from the Codebreaker, he ate an RKO followed by a Blarney Boot. Orton and Sheamus concluded with a Staredown of Intense Rivalry, but at least for tonight, they're not messing with each other.

Final Thoughts: I've got nothing to say that I didn't already, especially given that I already put my reminder notes in the body of the recap anyway. Check out Monday if you want to see Cean and Ace yell at each other, and/or Trips talk about Lesnar breaking his arm. Or, you know, if you want to watch some professional wrestling.

Is it me, or has SmackDown become noticably better the last few weeks? Other than Ryback, anyway. Seems my grades keep going up a point or two...

Episode Grade: C+

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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