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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Wanna Go Best of Five?
May 6, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

 
May 1st was an unpleasant day for me. I knew it would be unpleasant, which is why I decided to have a liquid breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. I lost count of the total, but I decided to start drinking before noon (an idea that, I confess, I got from these recaps) and didn’t bother stopping until I fell asleep. The best part about being single is that I can do something supposedly “self-destructive” like that and not have to worry about upsetting anyone! Because unless Rosa Mendes suddenly e-mails me out of the blue and informs me that she has a thing for obese Internet wrestling and video game commenters who can barely bench press their cat, let alone their whole weight, it’s a safe bet that no one gives a shit.
 

Of course, part of my drinking was to get myself psyched up for the Cubs game that was on! Because I was finally free enough to watch a ballgame for the first time all season! Naturally, there were problems attached to that too. First, I forgot it was on and didn’t set an alarm, so I didn’t bother starting up my Xbox to watch it until an hour into it. But once I did, I realized that it was at home in Cincinnati, which means it’s blacked out for me even on MLB.tv. But then I decided to check the score later that night, and I find out the game was rained out anyway. It was a triple bitch slap of disappointment.


Then came the news about Junior Seau, whose distinguished NFL career and other history makes him a posthumous minor hero to me. Rest in peace, Seau. [Ed. Note: and MCA. It's depressing as fuck that one of the Beastie Boys was denied a chance to grow up and become a Beastie Man.]

I didn’t get much else accomplished unfortunately, and I still have IGN projects hanging over my head. I’m almost done, and even though I work all weekend, I’m hoping to have it done by Monday, just in time for the RAW recap and three more days off. Here’s hoping it goes a little smoother than this week has gone.

But before I can get to my IGN projects, I need to do this week’s SmackDown recap. Let’s roll…

Pre-Segment 1: We’re promised to hear the follow up of Triple H and Johnny Ace after their respective activities on Monday night, but first we’ve got Sheamus. Our World Heavyweight Champion says that he loves to fight, and he doesn’t care where, but he supposes that the ring is good enough. And he’s totally going to be fighting in the next few minutes.

Why? Well, apparently DB wants to finish the job of “tearing Sheamus’s shoulder off.” And so when Sheamus was asked if he’d agree to such a match tonight, he only had one word to say. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” …And repeat about 600 times. God, and I thought nothing would ever be more annoying than “What?”

DB pops out on the stage during the incessant Yes!-ing, but Sheamus keeps Yes!-ing through his music. DB isn’t amused, and Michael Cole says that’s totally because Sheamus stole his catchphrase.

But, uh, I guess DB isn’t saying anything? We’re getting right to it…

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Daniel Bryan by disqualification. Decent match but nothing special, and short. It ended when Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez came down to beat the shit out of Sheamus, drawing the DQ.

ADR slapped on the cross-legged arm breaker, which made Sheamus flail around like a fish out of water who was simultaneously struck with multiple sclerosis. Once ADR had his fun from that, DB slapped on the Yes! Lock too, just to be a jerk.

Ah, but ADR considered this being a jerk to him too. ADR and DB just argued with each other on who should be allowed to beat the pale off Sheamus, while Sheamus himself left the ring and grunted his way up the ramp.

Cut Scene: After commercials and replays, we see Sheamus in the trainer’s room getting his arm checked out. He’s still flailing, but now he’s also breathing heavily and screaming “Damnit!” over and over.

Pre-Segment 2: RRRRRROOOOSSSAAA!!! She’s still unbelievably smoking (probably because her hair is straight for once), but she’s less bouncy today. And I don’t mean that sexually for once: she, along with her guys and Abraham Washington, pop out onto the stage to watch the next match.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: R-Truth & Kofi Kingston defeat Camacho & Hunico by pin. Solid match. Nothing special from the heels, but holy shit do Truth and Kofi work well together. They didn’t have any spot that I’ll go out of my way to recap step-by-step, but every double team move was perfectly executed (other than one that looked like there was an awkward cut, making me wonder if they had to redo it and edited the video to give it a second try). It helped that the crowd was absolutely electric for this one.

My Rosa et al didn’t do anything to interfere, though they did randomly bitch in the faces’ general direction after the match.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Brodus Clay (w/ Naomi & Irrelevant) squashes Jack Swagger (w/ Vickie Guerrero & Dolph Ziggler) by countout. Maybe not quite a squash, but Jack got in about three offensive moves here. Dolph tried to interfere but ate a headbutt for his trouble, and Jack decided he needed to go work on his haircut and left.

The girls had the Siderump Window Technology that they had in Extreme Rules, so… yay. Also, after the match, a good half-dozen kids were in the ring dancing along to Brodus. It’s a neat little way to get some pops, and Siderump Viewing Technology aside, this is certainly far removed from Shawn Michaels goosing kids into in-ring strip teases (circa Attitude Era); no complaints.

Segment 4: Video recap of RAW focusing on the Cena/Ace stuff. After it’s done, Cole says that Ace is taking a personal day tonight and isn’t here for SmackDown.

Segment 5: ADR and DB are still arguing, this time in the back. Eve—who suddenly is looking hot to me, and I have absolutely no idea what exactly she’s done different to turn my head for once—breaks them apart. See, she’s running the show tonight with Johnny’s absence, and wants to hear their complaints one at a time.

DB says that he totally would have beaten Sheamus tonight if ADR hadn’t interfered. ADR says that he is next in line for the title, which doesn’t seem like much of a counterargument to me. DB has a good counter-counterargument though in that he won the Beat the Clock challenge on Monday, so he’s earned the right to face Sheamus already. Which, uh, doesn’t make sense exactly since, you know, the Beat the Clock challenge was for CM Punk’s WWE Championship, if memory serves. DB further follows up that Sheamus is so totally faking his injury, so he demands that Eve order this match to happen tonight.

Well, Eve isn’t going to take demands from anyone. So she’s going to have a chat with the doctors, and then she’ll decide what to do. In the meantime, GTFO.

Post-Segment 5 Cut Scene: Oh hell yes, Damien Sandow is debuting next after commercials. I haven’t been this excited for a new face in a long, long time. Let’s hope his wrestling skills back up his fucking awesome promos.

Pre-Segment 6: BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Damien’s entrance theme is Movement #44 (a.k.a. the Hallelujah Chorus) of Handel’s “Messiah”! I can’t think of a more perfect-fitting theme for the guy!

Man. Between Handel for Sandow and Wagner for Bryan, WWE audiences are getting a lesson in classical music. And the best part is, it’s all in the public domain.

Derrick Bateman is already in the ring and didn’t get an entrance, so we know who’s going to win this. But before we get to the punching and kicking, Sandow gets a mic to address the crowd… and he holds it like one properly holds a wine glass, which is also a bit of brilliance. The crowd boos the shit out of him and starts to “What?” him, and he doesn’t miss a beat: after the third “What?” (right when it was getting steam), he just stops his promo cold to deadpan: “Thank you for your irrelevant opinion.” I have got to get that on a T-shirt.

Sandow goes on that in order to save us, he has better things to do than “engage this miscreant” in the ring. See, none of us can learn anything by watching him go up against a “simple-minded ignoramus” like Derrick Bateman. “You’re welcome.” And then Sandow leaves to his music.

Bateman has a long memory, though. He finds a mic and notes that five months ago, he won a match on NXT that gives him the right to debut on SmackDown. So damnit, he wants a match!

And, uh, here comes Ryback, and now he’s got pyros. Lame.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Ryback squashes Derrick Bateman by pin. Whatever. Ryback is super-over with the crowd and is getting quite a bit of cheers. Once again, I’m in the minority of wrestling fans. What a surprise.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Big Show & Randy Orton defeat Cody Rhodes & Kane by pin. Very solid match. It took a while to get going, but the end game was really sweet.

It started with Orton being the second face in peril, finally getting the hot tag to Show. Show clotheslined the head off Cody’s neck, then did a great high angle back body drop. Show called for the WMD, but Kane was on the top rope and did a flying lariat to stop the momentum and put Show down. That’s when Orton ran in and RKOed Kane, but Cody then threw Orton shoulder-first into the ring post.

The heels back on offense, Show started to stir and got back to his feet. Cody quickly went for his ninja flash kick which I always forget the name of (what is it, Rick? “The Beautiful Insult” or something?). [Ed. Note: Beautiful Disaster. But I think now it's just "The Disaster Kick."] But Show had it scouted and just did a giant midair chop to Cody’s chest. Show then signaled once again for the WMD, and this time there wasn’t interference. Show hit it clean, and Cody’s stomach started digesting his teeth as Show made the pin.

After the match, Show and Orton fist bump in celebration. I wouldn’t mention it, except holy shit is Show’s fist huge. It’s really obvious when next to a normal-sized guy’s fist, you know?

Segment 8: Matt Striker is outside the trainer’s room, and he’s trying to get an update on Sheamus. By total super coincidence, Sheamus pops out with his shoulder wrapped. Sheamus says he came for a fight, and by god, that’s what he’s going to do. So he runs off, and Striker says that’s that: the match is on!

…Except Sheamus didn’t actually say that, so who knows. Guess we’ll find out soon.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Layla defeats Natalya by pin. Holy shit, actual wrestling in a divas’ match? Who knew?

Natalya was looking especially good and has a gorgeous smile. That aside, she brought the wrestling back to the women’s division, and Layla was right there with her. In fact, I don’t remember Layla ever having this good of in-ring skills. Did she get some additional training while she’s been off, or has she always been this good and just hasn’t be allowed to show it? [Ed. Note: she's always "tried hard." But that's also the scouting report on Kelly. In this case, my guess is genuine effort met being-in-the-ring-with-Nattie-who-is-awesome, and the results were good.]

The cheers-to-boos were about 50/50 (or 1:1 if I’m going to be mathematically proper), with Natalya getting most of the offense. Layla got in some sweet silky-smooth counters, including a bizarre pinning combination that basically came about from a crossbody that she didn’t roll through.

The only misstep to me was the ending, because Layla basically hit a neckbreaker out of nowhere, which is apparently her finisher (specifically called the “Lay Out”). That was the three, and we went to commercial.

Commercial: Yes, normally I don’t mention them, but the first commercial was John Cena on that new “Dream Machines” show on Syfy. That’s irrelevant; what is relevant is Cena was wearing a black T-shirt with a CM Punk WWE Ice Cream Bar on it. That’s all kinds of messed up, and it makes me hungry for that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pint in my freezer. I know what I’m having for dinner.

Segment 10: Wait, that wasn’t a proper commercial. As soon as we’re back from that, we see that Aksana is getting her makeup done for a photoshoot with her and Antonio Cesaro. Eve watches this for a minute, but she’s not exactly happy with the way it’s looking… so she decides that Antonio needs to be oiled up. And who better to oil him than Teddy Long, who hasn’t done anything tonight?

Poor Teddy. They don’t overplay the joke, which is great: Teddy slaps a couple handfuls of the stuff on Antonio’s back and chest without looking at him, and then they cut away.

Segment 11: Alicia Fox and Kaitlyn are chatting in the back. It was probably about AJ’s changes, but they quickly go quiet as AJ arrives. Fox excuses herself, and AJ gives a good apology to Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn says that she felt betrayed from the slap, but she knows that that wasn’t the real AJ and is willing to let the feelings of humiliation and betrayal go. But that aside, AJ needs to so totally stop having a “pity-party” (goddamn I hate that term) over DB.

AJ responds to that with all the maturity of Snooki by giving Kaitlyn another Stiff As Fuck slap, this one that drops Kaitlyn on her tushy. AJ storms off, and Kaitlyn looks more irritated than hurt as she lies on the ground.

Segment 12: We get another recap of what transpired on Monday concerning Brock Lesnar. Once we’re back, the commentators say that Triple H did get his arm broken and several elbow tendon tears too. However, they report that Brock Lesnar is still not officially fired, and they’re hoping to hear something from Corporate sometime this weekend. If they do, it’ll be on WWE.com.

Pre-Segment 13: Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez hit ringside for guest commentary.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Daniel Bryan by pin. Solid match, but no special spots other than the finish. The story here is that DB did nothing but arm-related offense, and if you thought you knew all the different ways you could hurt another dude’s arm, trust me: DB knows more. We saw kicks, slaps, holds, throws, slams, wraps, and more!

Sheamus basically got in no offense other than an occasional hope spot, but they were always cut short… until the very end, when he did a running clothesline to DB that DB oversold in a good way. Sheamus wanted to do the Celtic Cross as a follow up, which doesn’t seem like a good idea given his bad wing.

Doesn’t matter: ADR jumped up from the commentators’ table and jumped up on the apron. Sheamus dumped DB down and started arguing with ADR. DB wanted to take advantage, but Sheamus instead threw DB into ADR. ADR stumbled around and fell into the ring, while DB flew out of it.

Sheamus concentrated on ADR, who scrambled through the ring and exited out of the north side without throwing any punches. DB meanwhile climbed the southeast corner to do something off the top rope. Sheamus turned around in time though and hit a midair Brogue Kick! One pin later, and we’re out.

Final Thoughts: Nothing to say about this one. This episode is like, uh… like a good offensive lineman: not flashy, but it got the job done. Except you wouldn’t want to see his siderump.

I don’t have much to say that I haven’t already, so I’m going to call it a night and get back to my projects. Have a good weekend guys, stay safe, and I’ll see you on Tuesday for the RAW recap.

Episode Grade: B-

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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