It’s been another awful day, so I need another relaxation night. So it’s going to be one of THOSE recaps again. I’m going to try to take it a little easier tonight so I don’t wind up going on for a full paragraph making lewd, not-clever comments about divas. I always try to be amusing in my perversion, damnit; I have standards!

Tired… sore… fuck college… let’s get SmackDown going here.
 

Post-Segment 1: And here comes Alberto Del Rio to rub Rey’s loss in his face. Rey is getting attended to by trainers; not doing a stretcher job, but just getting checked over. ADR asks Rey, then the trainer, if Rey will be okay, then says that he (Rey) looks like a “dying dog.” And what do we do with dying dogs… put them down! ADR grabs Rey, throws him sorta head-first into the barricade, then slaps on the cross-legged armbar we first saw last week. Rey is smart enough not to tap and to instead just sell the pain.

ADR eventually relents after a few seconds, flashes a shit-eating grin to the camera and crowd, then leaves.

…For ten seconds. Then ADR gets a new idea, and heads back to the ring to get the chair that ended the match. ADR goes back to Rey outside the ring, then puts Rey’s arm in the chair. ADR then chucks the chair (and the rest of Rey of course) into the steel ring post.

Now ADR is done, and he leaves with his jacket and scarf as the trainers look again to attend to Rey.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: CM Punk (w/ Straightedge Society) squashes JTG by submission. I refuse to recap squashes, other than the fact that the match ended with a Go To Sleep followed by the Anaconda Vise, which I haven’t seen in awhile.

Post-Segment 2: As soon as the match is over, Punk orders the SES into the ring. He forces them on their knees, then says that this is how you win in the SES: you beat the shit out of the weak, and so on. Punk gets in Gallows’s face and says he wants that to happen to Big Show, with the giant “unconscious and facedown in a pool of his own drool.” Punk finishes by saying “be better, or be gone.”

Segment 3: Rosa Mendes is talking to Teddy Long in the back for like five seconds, then leaves. T-Long sits down to read a magazine, and the plant in the background starts moving. It’s Hornswoggle, of course, which you would know from watching last week (or reading the recap). Horny then surprises T-Long and, after a game of charades since Horny can’t speak English, admits to spying on Laycool. T-Long thinks that there may be a way to use the spying to his advantage.

Segment 4: Cody Rhodes gives us another beauty tip.

Segment 5 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title, Title CAN change hands on a DQ]: Kofi Kingston defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by countout, but Dolph Ziggler retains. Match was all right but nothing special. The stipulation here was that if Kofi won by DQ, he got the belt too. There was a close call halfway through when VG slapped Kofi, but the ref didn’t see it. Other than that, the match was basically clean, just not the best quality.

The ending saw both guys out of the ring, and they clotheslined each other. The ref started the double count. Kofi finally slid in the ring at 9. Dolph tried to as well, but Vickie stopped him. Kofi won, but the stip was only against a disqualification, not a countout, so Kofi didn’t get the belt.

After the match, Kofi was understandably pissed, so he went after Dolph. Dolph responded by hauling ass, going through the crowd. Kofi followed him up the stairs, but we went to commercial before any resolution.

Segment 6: So it’s time for the Jack Swagger Sr. Invitational, with Jack Swagger vs. MVP. Last week I thought this meant this would have something to do with a series of random athletic contests, but apparently it means they simply have an old-school wrestling match. The winner is the guy who scores five take downs.

Jack schooled MVP, taking him down four times. At that point, MVP got pissed and just punched Jack in the face, drawing a DQ. MVP didn’t care, and left.

Jack didn’t want his event ruined, so he followed MVP, gave him a cheap shot to floor him, then slapped on the ankle lock. MVP tapped for no reason until a couple refs came by to break it up.

So, uh, this means Jack gets to host the MVP lounge next week, I guess. Whee?

Segment 7: Michelle McCool and Layla are in the back, with Kaval, getting their pictures taken. They are all happy with the pictures, but the girls are sure My Melina needs help. Not only is she a crybaby, but she has a shitty taste in ring attire. And T-Long so totally won’t guess what they have planned for her on Monday.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio squashes Some Guy by submission. I already said it once, damnit.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Big Show (w/ Kelly Kelly) defeats Luke Gallows (w/ Serena) by pin. Match was short and not all that entertaining. K2 wound up doing a Lou Thesz Press on Serena outside the ring, but it didn’t amount to much. The match ended with a Knockout Punch. After the match, we saw Punk watching the proceedings from the locker room.

Segment 10: Here comes the Undertaker. He makes his entrance and gets a mic. His voice is hoarse and he coughs a couple times. He assures us that he may be “the Dead Man,” but he isn’t dead yet, and the ring is still his yard.

Taker switches topics and says that he’ll never pardon the guilty… which in this case is Kane, who betrayed him and made him a stalk of corn for awhile. Taker says that Kane has a diseased soul, which has festered and turned into a web of lines, including the lie that Kane believes he can fill Taker’s legacy… or take his Holy Grail.

Here comes Kane to retort. Kane says that it’s Taker who is lying to himself, since he’s not even a shadow of his former self. Kane has no qualms, and will have no challenge, in Tombstoning Taker one more time. But it’s all pointless because Kane is the dominant brother, and we all see it, and he’s got nothing left to prove.

Taker responds that last week, Kane called himself “the devil’s favorite demon.” Taker calls bullshit on that, and that “the house the devil lives in” was built by Taker, and “when I come calling, the devil calls me ‘sir.’” Taker goes on that Kane was never worthy to hold the title, nor worthy enough to hold the power he’s trying to steal, nor worthy of being his brother at all.

This degenerates to both guys saying they will win the inevitable fight, though Kane ups it and says that he swears on the grave of their mother that Taker will never rest… in… peace…

Fire up Kane’s music, and we have a staredown of intensity as we fade out.

Final Thoughts: Not a bad way to end it, even if it was a main event promo. I’ll give the writers credit: they took my advice from last week and got rid of a bunch of the stupidest shit I had issues with. The title was downplayed, the sibling rivalry was up-played, and even though the whole things was in the Gay Spooky idiom, it was believable within WWE’s universe. There were some awkward exchanges and there were still a couple trains of thought that had no conclusion, but at least we’re showing signs of improvement.

Other than that, the night was very match-heavy, and there wasn’t anything really entertaining. Dolph/Kofi just doesn’t work for me, and it’s certainly not Kofi’s fault: Dolph is just a bore to watch in the ring or out of it, and the overlong match didn’t do him any favors. Show’s win over Gallows was inevitable, and the two squashes weren’t that great (though Punk’s was at least mildly entertaining).

I suppose this is sustainable episodic TV, although momentum broke a bunch of times because of video packages and whatnot. I don’t say it in the recaps, but seeing like a commercial, then the RAW Rebound for five minutes, then another commercial, it just kills momentum and I can only think that better time management would have helped the situation. It’s not like SD doesn’t have the roster depth where you could shorten Dolph/Kofi and the RAW Rebound, and throw in another half-decent match or two. I forget at this point which brand Yoshi Tatsu is on, but the poor guy is due up for a win or two, isn’t he?

Anyway, that’s it from me, and I’m not nearly as buzzed as I want to be. Have a good night, everyone.

Rating (out of 5): 2.5