There’s no easy way to segue from that to other thoughts on my mind, so let’s just go ahead and transition. I feel like a bit of an asshole today: in addition to the normal reasons, I find myself shocked at the news of Lance Cade’s death. I was literally thinking about him just two days ago: see, the second-to-last appearance of The Rock (not counting his special video-only SmackDown appearance) was on RAW several years ago. It was when he came out to save Eugene from Jonathan Coachman’s verbal assault. At the end of the angle, Cade came down and assaulted Rock and Eugene, finally losing to Rock’s superpower status and a clothesline that practically beheaded him. The whole angle was one of my absolute favorite moments ever in WWE, one of the funniest angles of all time and one of the most surprising. And I realized that the four major players in the angle are no longer part of WWE. I knew Eugene is back in the minors, Rock is off doing movies of course, Coach is doing announcing, so I wondered where Cade was.

Now I know.

I had no idea when Cade was fired or for what reason. I don’t mean to trample the deceased, but Cade—and really, ALL wrestlers who aren’t in the main event—wasn’t exactly important enough to me to follow his personal news. One day he’s in the company, one day he’s not, and I’m not the type to visit every pro wrestling website to figure out why. And now, again, I feel like a total asshole… My thoughts go out to his friends and family. A guy who was a mere two years older than me, living his dream and throwing it away when a bad situation got completely out of his control… I don’t know. It’s tragic, and I know we’ve all been there, but it never lessens the shock when it happens to someone else.

And on that note, it’s back to business here at OO. We’ve got the last SmackDown before SummerSlam coming up, so let’s get to it.

Segment 1: Vickie Guerrero is in the ring as we come out of the opening theme song. She’s here only to call out Dolph Ziggler, who enters from stage right, meaning the hard camera is on the other side of the arena again. Is it me, or is the hard camera on that side more and more lately? And for those new to the party: no, I don’t know why it fascinates me so much. I’m just used to the entrance ramp on the “west” side of the ring, and it always feels weird when the ramp is on the east side.

Anyway, Dolph hits the ring and shows off his barely there abs as Vickie calls him more electrifying than The Rock and more sexy than Shawn Michaels. You’ll forgive me if I can’t stop gagging here. Dolph basically blathers like an idiot about how awesome Vickie is and how much she has helped him get the so totally kickass Intercontinental title, probably the highest thing he’ll ever hope to achieve.

Not much more happens or is said before Kofi Kingston comes down and starts beating the shit out of Dolph. Refs comes down and separate them, and then Teddy Long pops out of the back. He says that Dolph will face Rey tonight, apparently for no reason.

Vickie says fine, if Dolph has to face Rey, then Kofi has to face Kane. T-Long says to hell with that, because she’s just an advisor, and he’s the real authority figure. But Kofi is game for it, and says that he’ll take on Kane right the hell now. T-Long shrugs, Kofi slides in the ring, and Vickie and Dolph bail.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Kofi Kingston by pin. Match was above average and short. One new spot came early. The fight spilled out of the ring, and Kofi went for a Trouble in Paradise at ringside. However, Kane got out of the way, and Kofi wound up delivering his kick to the steel ring post. Ouch.

From there it was leg-related offense from Kane. When Kofi got his singular hope spot, he went to the top rope, but struggled because he had to hop up there. By the time he got there, Kane recovered, chokeslammed Kofi off the ropes, then followed up with the Tombstone Piledriver.

Post-Segment 2: After the match, Kane grabbed a mic and addressed Rey. He called Rey a liar, because it was obviously Rey who made Undertaker a product from the produce department, and that Rey’s lies “are no match for the power of the dark side.” Alrighty.

Kane prattles a bit more, but it’s nothing of note. Kane finishes up and blows his corner—

Oh wait, before gets to, here comes Rey to answer. Rey tries to do some counter-gay spooky, saying that if Kane is a devil spawn, then Rey is one of God’s servants. Rey says that he didn’t have a motive to attack Taker, but Kane did, because he had the most to gain with Taker being down. After all, Kane is the Robert to Undertaker’s Ray (yes, I did just make an “Everybody Loves Raymond” reference), living in his brother’s shadow, and if Taker wasn’t a carrot right now, he would have the title. Then Rey blathers some shit about hitting a 619, and we go to commercial.

Pre-Segment 3: During Christian’s entrance for his next match, Drew McIntyre finds Cody Rhodes in the back. Drew says Cody better beat Christian because he (Drew) softened him up last week. Cody says, “Of course I’ll beat him, because I’m ‘Dashing’!” Drew replies, “If you don’t beat him, you’re not dashing, you’re…” Now, I know they’re going alliteration here (one my absolute favorite literary tricks), and I really want drew to say “You’re a dipshit.” Sadly, Drew keeps it G-rated, and says, “You’re just disappointing.” Bah.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats Christian by pin. Meh. Watchable, but that’s about it. Rhodes did mostly arm-related offense (again, milking the “injury” Christian got from Drew last week), but also showed us his retarded side by constantly dodging any attack that would have hit him in the face. Because he’s dashing. Get it? Ugh.

Segment 4 [3-on-1 Handicap Match, Tornado Rules]: Big Show squashes Some Guy, Some Other Guy, and Yet Another Guy by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Post-Segment 4: So the Straightedge Society came out an instant after the match started. After it finished, they started talking. Luke “Mr. Mediocrity” Gallows was torn a new asshole because he was the first to speak, which CM Punk didn’t like very much.

Anyway, Punk blathers, in an entertaining way. His initial statement is that Show is so stupid that he can’t differentiate between three Some Guys and Punk’s elite awesome team. Then Punk starts saying several delicious sentences, which I just have to repeat verbatim:

“At SummerSlam, you’re going to be in the pit, surrounded by an orchestra, MY orchestra of virtue. Your conductor for the evening will be myself, and we’re going to play for you your own personal opus. It’s a symphony that’s going to sound a lot like your bones being broken underneath the boot of a straightedge society. It’s a symphony I’ve written just for you, and I’d like to call it ‘The Destruction of the Big Show.’ ”

…Okay, so the punch line was a bit weak, but the bulk of that was pretty sweet. THAT’S how you cut a promo!

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Drew McIntyre defeats Matt Hardy by pin. Match was better than average, just with a slightly stupid finish.

One cool spot halfway though saw Matt floor Drew. Matt failed on the pin, but quickly climbed the corner, standing on the middle rope and basically sitting on the top. Drew got up, grabbed Matt’s ankle, and tried to pull him off. Matt hooked his arms around the top rope, so while his feet dropped to the canvas, he didn’t fall. Drew decided that that wouldn’t be enough, so he grabbed Matt’s legs and tried to pull him. Matt still had his arms hooked well though… so Drew kicked Matt in the spine, then gave an extra pull and intentionally fell backwards, which was enough weight to pull Matt away from the corner, turning it into a sick sit down powerbomb that I honestly thought would end the match.

The finish of the match was a bit stupid. The fight spilled outside, and the steps were dislodged. Drew put Matt’s ankle between the two parts of the steps, and then Drew stomped the top part of the steps, snapping Matt’s ankle between the two sections. Somehow, this is a legal move, which makes me facepalm so hard I left an imprint in my forehead.

The ref started counting, and when he got to 9, Drew started to move out of the ring. This broke the count, but he didn’t do anything more, and just went back into the ring on the ref’s warning. The ref sorta helped Matt get back in the ring, though Matt took the time here to remove his boot. As soon as Matt got in the ring, Drew drilled him with the Future Shock DDT, and made the pin. A close-up of Matt’s ankle showed a Curt Schilling-like bloody sock, except the “blood” was orange and barely there, and Matt’s socks were like fifteen times the thickness of real socks. Oh, and the “blood” was “seeping” in almost a perfectly straight line. Clearly, WWE doesn’t use Michael Bay-caliber special effects.

Segment 6: Here comes Jack Swagger to talk. Did we even see him last week? Maybe he was still cleaning off the Gulf of Mexico from his skin.

Jack is unhappy with life, and starts off his promo by saying that we all suck because we all feel sorry for ourselves for no reason. But see, Jack isn’t like us: he has a legitimate excuse for feeling sorry for himself! Because he lost his title and thrown into the Gulf! So sad!

Jack prattles a bit more, and then MVP comes out onto the stage, telling him that Jack needs to shut the hell up about the excuses. Jack remembers history and asks if they had this conversation before. MVP confirms that, that they had the same conversation last year in this arena even… and that MVP beat Jack afterwards! So Jack decides to not repeat history, and slaps MVP with the mic.

From here, Jack tosses MVP outside the ring, then throws him head-first into the barricade. Then we fade out to commercial rather suddenly. Hm… obviously a new (stupid) feud has just been started, and I bet we’ll get our first taste of this match at SummerSlam.

…Or not, as we come from commercial and we’re doing the match.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: MVP defeats Jack Swagger by pin. Hm, I guess history does repeat itself. Match wasn’t anything special, and didn’t have anything really noteworthy.

Segment 8: Cody Rhodes gives us another beauty tip.

Segment 9: Another Alberto Del Rio vignette, this one a mashup of all his previous ones. At the end of it, we see that the asshole finally debuts next week.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Match wasn’t a total train wreck… but it was fucking close. First of all, they had the oddest-placed commercial in the history of existence, when, halfway through the match, Kane came down wheeling a casket. For some reason, he was halfway down the ramp when they actually went to commercial, so I didn’t know initially what the fuck was going on. Was he interfering? Was Rey distracted? Did Kane just miss his cue?

When we got back, Dolph had Rey in a stupid chinlock, taking a page from the Orton Playbook of Mediocrity. Shortly after that, they tried to do a spot where Rey was pushed from the back, bounced chest-first off the ropes, then went for some sort of rebound move… but instead, Dolph kinda smacked him in the back of the head, and Rey bent over and started running backwards as if he wanted a little taste of fully clothed shower rape.

So, they decided to just redo the spot, with Rey again bouncing chest first off the ropes, and coming back with… an elbow? Yeah, that was worth a second take. Shortly after, Rey went flying through the air from the top ropes, and Dolph caught him like a modified Tombstone Piledriver, but then pretty much dropped Rey on his head. Rey kinda wiggled out, then got behind Dolph as Dolph stood there waiting, and slapped on a sleeper for no goddamned reason.

After that, it was end game, and Dolph ate a 619 on the north side of the ring, which just looked odd and had no good camera angle. Then there was a pin, and things were mercifully over.

Post-Segment 10: Then Kane hops on the apron, but Rey is on it. He dropkicks Kane’s knee, who he then lands on the apron, leaning on the ropes. Rey hits him with a 619 to the back of his head, then winds up kicking him a few more times so Kane falls into the casket he wheeled out. Rey has the moral victory, and we’re done.

Final Thoughts: The first half of the night was surprisingly good… and the rest was surprisingly awful. I don’t have much more to say that I haven’t said already, and I’m itching to get back to Madden, so I’m cutting it here.

Remember to check out Online Onslaught on Sunday night for Rick’s recap of SummerSlam! And as for me, I’ll see you on Tuesday for the RAW recap.

Rating (out of 5): 2.5