If you think tap dancing is too emasculating as well though, you need to check this shit out; feel free to pick your balls back up at the 1:23 mark, because Clayton “Peg Leg” Jones has plenty of his own. This guy could have single-footedly won America’s Got Talent if he had had the good fortune not to have been born just as the country decided civil rights should actually apply to someone other just than white men. Thankfully, we can still be entertained thanks to YouTube, and it teaches us that dreams can come true… provided you’ve got the willpower. Or something.

Though, sadly, I cannot will WWE to producing consistently high levels of entertainment every week, but let’s give SmackDown a shot anyway, shall we?

Segment 1: Rey Mysterio hits the ring to start off the show. He recaps that last week, he was chokeslammed by Kane into the Gulf of Mexico. This caused him to reflect on his life, since it’s hard to tread water wearing a lucha mask, but nothing in his life has anything to do with the Undertaker’s Veggie Tales state. He calls Kane delusional, and says that only God—not Kane—can possibly judge him, which is relevant because of the upcoming casket match at SummerSlam will result in his possible death, or something.

Further, Rey starts to say that Kane is so delusional and blind that he doesn’t realize who really attacked Taker. Rey wants to tell us, but Drew McIntyre of all people then hits the ring. Drew says that Scotland has a name for guys who wear masks: “criminals”! See, Drew is convinced that Rey has bamboozled all of us in his career, that Rey beating on Taker has so totally shown that rather than a hero, he’s just a dick.

Drew backs this up by saying that Rey did nothing to help CM Punk, Jack Swagger, and Jack’s dad when Kane went on full-assault mode. Rey defends himself that those incidents weren’t his fights. Drew shrugs and says that he actually respects Rey for being a pussy, and wishes he would have loved to turn Taker to cauliflower. The only difference between them, he goes on, is that he would have taken Taker out solo.

See, Drew goes on that he can take out anyone. He reminds us that he obliterated Christian’s arm last week, and updates us that his doctors have declared Christian “will never be the same again.” So Drew wants to demonstrate that by taking out Rey tonight, because he and Teddy Long are game for the match if Rey agrees. Rey gets a little pissy here—especially since Drew shoves his head with his head, and no, that wasn’t a typo—and agrees. Rey shoves Drew, but then leaves, and nothing further happens between them. Yet.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats Matt Hardy by pin. Match was all right but nothing special, a bit long and no spots were noteworthy. Match ended with the Cross Rhodes.

Segment 3: Another Alberto Del Rio vignette.

Segment 4: Rosa Mendes is talking to T-Long in the back, and shortly Michelle McCool Layla come up. They dismiss her by way of calling her fat, then whine that they don’t want to unify the Women’s Championship belts. Teddy demands they surrender one of the belts, so they do, then argue about who gets to wear the remaining one. This leads to them “breaking” the title in the most fake possible way, making their one title look jagged like those stupid BFF lockets. This makes them happy, because there is “one” title as Teddy demanded, but they each still get to carry something. Ugh.

Segment 5 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeats Kofi Kingston by pin, and is the new IC Champion. Match was watchable, but mostly because of Kofi, who acted a bit more aggressively and suicidal than he has been. There were no amazingly high spots. At the end, Vickie got on the apron for no reason, which actually distracted Dolph. This let Kofi hit the Trouble in Paradise cleanly.

Vickie then got in the ring and started screaming at the ref. Kofi got stupid and watched the screaming match, letting Dolph recover and hit his jumping reverse neckbreaker. Vickie then left the ring, and Dolph made the pin. There was nothing DQ-worthy, so it was a clean finish, and we have a new champ.

Post-Segment 5: After the match, Kofi was pissed and beat the shit out of Dolph, even scoop slamming him into the announcers table. Amazingly, the table wasn’t broken at first, then they cut to Vickie, then they cut back and the table was magically destroyed. Heh.

Kofi continued the assault, throwing Dolph into the stairs as normal, but then he threw Dolph head-first into the front of the steps. Dolph wound up laying out upside-down on the stairs, and Kofi wanted to do more, but refs pulled him off. Vickie took the whole time screaming, then finally ran over to check on him as we fade out.

Segment 6: The Straightedge Society hits the ring to talk. Punk of course takes the lead, and he’s finally letting his hair grow back. He talks his normal rhetoric, then throws in that they’re more of a cohesive unit than ever before, especially seeing that they have taken out Big Show. Punk has the Truck Monkeys play the video from last week, and he provides us with DVD commentary as we do it.

The three minions are happy about this, and celebrate with each other… until they realize Punk isn’t smiling. He forces them to get on their knees, and while Serena and Luke Gallows eye-hump Punk, Punk lays into them and assures them not to get too big of themselves. They are not allowed to be happy until he says they can be. “Satisfaction is the death of desire”? My ass. [Ed. Note: I heard that, and all I could think was that, MAN, Punk must be a serious closeted abuser of Viagra. Cuz where I come from, Satisfaction is pretty much the genesis of my next desire. I have plenty of desires to go around. And yes, in this instance, I'm implying that "desires" means "freshly spent boners." Nee haw!]

Segment 7 [6-Man Tag Match]: Straightedge Society (w/ Serena) squash MVP, Chris F. Masters, & JTG by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Segment 8: Cody Rhodes gives us more beauty tips.

Segment 9: Kane is in the back, surrounded by candles. He lovingly strokes a casket while cutting a promo on Rey, who isn’t around. It’s more of the Gay Spooky shtick, but it’s done well, and is mercifully short.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio defeats Drew McIntyre by pin. Decent match but nothing special, some fun little spots at the end but nothing major to write about. Triple reversey stuff at the end with Rey slipping out of the Future Shock DDT, setting up the 619 but missing, getting caught attempting a slingshot rebound crossbody, but then switching that up to a victory roll and making the pin.

Post-Segment 10: Kane hits the ring, pushing a casket with him. Once he gets to the ring, Drew thinks about attacking, but decides to just bail. Kane then goes Rey, who crawls away, almost crawling into the casket but escaping and hauling ass. At the stage, Rey declares it wasn’t him who put Taker in the Veggie Tales state… it was him!!! Which is TOTALLY SHOCKING if you haven’t been reading Online Onslaught.

Kane then goes through his five stages of grief over the course of twelve seconds, switching from amused, to disbelieving, to angry, to sad, to acting up like he’s looking up at the menu at McDonald’s as he’s decided which value meal to buy. And we’re out.

Final Thoughts: Uh… okay. It was a watchable night, but that’s about it. The promos did their jobs, and the matches (other than the 6-man squash) were all watchable without being noteworthy. This was a workman-like episode, I guess.

Rating (out of 5): 2.25