Am I past the ad box? Meh, doesn’t matter, let’s get to the show.

Segment 1: Just like last week, we’ve got Kane starting things off. He’s in the ring bathed in red light and cutting a promo with ominous music in the background. Kane starts off that he’s been with Undertaker, waiting for a sign to say who put him in his Veggie Tales state. Kane reports that at some point this week, Taker woke up long enough to say two words… the name of his attacker. And lo, Taker spoketh: “Rey Mysterio.”

Kane starts asking Rey (who isn’t yet present) why would Rey do such a thing, though Kane posits that it started months ago, when Taker beat Rey to enter the Fatal Four-Way. A bit later, Rey won a battle royal to get back into it… and shortly after that, Rey won said Fatal Four-Way and the title. Kane is sure that Rey wouldn’t have won if Taker had been around.

But, Kane goes on, it doesn’t matter, because he (Kane) beat him for the title during MitB. But now, they’re scheduled for a rematch at SummerSlam, and Kane is sure that he will make Rey feel what Taker has been feeling. A casket is in the ring, and Kane implies it will be a casket match, which will end with Rey not praying to God, but praying to Kane himself for mercy.

The promo gets a little too gay in the “gay spooky” that’s going on; basically the promo lasts a good 90 seconds too long. But whatever, I tend to give Kane a pass (aside from the Katie Vick storyline all those years ago), so let’s just move on. The promo was harmless and within Kane’s idiom, and that’s all that matters.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Christian defeats Drew McIntyre by pin. Match was decent but nothing special. No finishers here: the story of the match was that Drew did a bunch of arm-related offense, so Christian had to rely on his speed and kicks for his hope spots. At the end, Drew had Christian ready for the Future Shock DDT. Christian blocked it once, but couldn’t get out. Drew tried again, but lifted Christian a bit too high, so in midair, Christian twisted himself and managed to get an arm out, pulling Drew down into a small package pin. Drew couldn’t escape, and we’re out.

Segment 3: Cody Rhodes gives us another beauty tip. At first, I was going to refuse to recap it, but it was about skin health… which Cody illustrates by appearing in a full green mask of goop. And then, because we haven’t laughed at Cody enough for being a closeted homosexual nancy boy, he decides to tell us, and I quote verbatim: “A facial is so important for today’s man.” I have a feeling that Randy Orton said the same thing to him years ago.

You know, I could actually tolerate Cody’s new character if he played it for laughs like that. Instead, I’m laughing at him for all the wrong reasons. As if pro wrestling wasn’t metro- and homosexual enough, I certainly don’t need this crap every week.

Segment 4: Another Alberto Del Rio vignette. Just debut already, asshole.

Segment 5: CM Punk in the back, feeling his stubby little locks, and asks which of his Straightedge Society is going to fail him tonight. He proceeds to tear each of his members a new asshole, concluding that they’re all nothing without him… so do something worthy of being in the SES, because if they don’t, he’s kicking them out of his little cult.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Luke “Mr. Mediocrity” Gallows (w/ Straightedge Society) by disqualification. Show basically squashed Gallows, though he had one slick spot early. Show threw Gallows into the corner nearest the ring announcer, Tony Chimel, then yelled at him to get up to the apron with a mic. Chimel complied, and Show did one of his “Shh!” chops for the mic, which gave the fans more of a reason to “Oh!!!” it.

Shortly after that, Gallows was flung out of the ring. Show followed, where Punk kicked him in the leg. The ref saw that, ordered the match stopped, and the rest of SES started beating the shit out of him. The finale here is Show sitting by the ring steps, with his hand and arm resting on the top of the steps. Joey Mercury had Show in a weird sleeper from inside the ring while Gallows kept Show’s legs pinned down. Punk and Serena then took turns stomping the shit out of Show’s hand, which Show sold like a champ, even going as far as passing out from the pain. Punk then led SES away in satisfaction.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeats Kofi Kingston by disqualification. Match was way, way, way too long. Dolph is simply not entertaining enough in the ring to be trusted with a 20-minute singles match. Kofi basically got his ass beat the whole time, playing for hope spots every minute or so.

At the end of the match, Kofi found himself down, with his head on the bottom rope. Behind the ref’s back, Vickie slapped the shit out of Kofi, pretty stiffly. Kofi decided to take his revenge by beating the fuck out of Dolph with fists a-flying, somehow drawing the DQ.

Kofi wasn’t done, and continued the assault outside the ring, even throwing Dolph over the table and almost into the commentators. He didn’t do anything ultra-violent, but we haven’t seen Kofi completely lose his mind since he kicked off this new persona by redecorating Orton’s NASCAR. Kofi needs to lose his mind more.

Segment 8: Josh Mathews interviews Jack Swagger in the back, who says that Daddy Swagger is still in the hospital, then cuts a fairly intense promo on what he’s going to do to Rey in their No-DQ match tonight: Jack is going to break his legs, then his arms, then he’s going to throw him in the Gulf of Mexico and watch him drown. And if Jack had left it at that, it would have been awesome… but then Jack has to go and say, “And then he won’t be able to compete at SummerSlam!” Ugh.

Pre-Segment 9: So, we’re supposed to have a Women’s Championship match, but after the entrances, Vickie Guerrero comes out. She reminds us that Layla and Michelle are co-champs, it’ll be Michelle who defends the title. That… really doesn’t matter to me, but whatever.

Segment 9 [Singles Match for the WWE Women’s Championship]: Michelle McCool (w/ Layla) defeats Tiffany (w/ Kelly Kelly) by pin, and retains. Match was dull.

Post-Segment 9: After the match, Teddy Long appears on the Titantron. He says that Layla and Michelle have had their fun, but they can’t be “co-” champs anymore. If they don’t decide who is the actual champion by next week, he will.

Segment 10: Another Alberto Del Rio vignette.

Segment 11 [No-DQ/No Countout Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger wrestle to an apathetic retarded finish. So, the match was stupid. It started off lame, and once they started going through the crowd and arena, it continued to be lame since throwing Rey into a wall constituted ultra-violence.

The two guys did indeed fight to outside, with the Gulf of Mexico just a few feet away. They guys crossed the street—nearly getting hit in the process—until they got to the edge. Jack picked up Rey in a military press, but Rey reversed it into a headscissors, sending Jack into the water. Jack then proceeded to scream for someone to help him because he couldn’t breathe or swim, despite being in approximately four feet of water. (His entire neck was over the surface the whole fucking time.) Rey decided, fuck him, let him drown or pretend to anyway… and then Kane appears from nowhere, and sorta chokeslams Rey into the water too. Last shot is basically comprised of the camera being shoved up Kane’s nostril.

Final Thoughts: Dear. God. Other than Kane’s initial promo—which was objectively below average but generally harmless—the rest of the show was boring at best and painful at worst. Kofi’s flash of aggression was literally the only thing worth repeating the whole night; not even the SES’s assault on Big Show really amounted to much in my book. Definite pass on this one guys.

Rating (out of 5): 1.5