And seriously, what do I expect from a movie with GI frickin’ Joe? Shakespearean dialogue and thought-provoking themes? But regardless, the movie served more as background noise than entertainment (the Paris scene excepted), and I’m unimpressed. Two stars out of five: it wasn’t a train wreck, thankfully, just nothing special.

Next up on my list is State of Play. I forget who recommended this one to me, but I know it was someone around here… random e-mailer? Someone on the OO Forums? I don’t remember. I must have been in a “thriller” mood when I made my Netflix list, since like the next six are all thrillers. Maybe I should mix it up.

Okay, enough rambling. Let’s get to SmackDown!

Segment 1: Our new World Heavyweight Champion hits the ring to open the show, doing so to massive cheers. He does a promo to allegedly creepy music, starting off with the fact that as a kid, he’d hold his goldfish over its bowl and start to wither and die… and he has always felt that way, until last Sunday night when he won himself MitB, then made history by cashing it the same night to win the belt. Now, he’s no longer a fish, but… uh… something… better.

He turns to Rey, saying how everyone including Rey himself were grateful for the Big Red Machine saving him from Jack Swagger, how the audience applauded his actions… and then everyone was shocked when he came back out. Kane loved feeling Rey’s pulse heighten and terror increase as he “chokeslammed Rey through the ring.” Kane then says he made the pin, became the champ… and everyone applauded again. And on cue, the live crowd does cheer and applaud this line.

Kane then addresses Rey directly, saying he only did what anyone else would have given the MitB win… it’s just that Kane did it better than anyone else would have. “I did it! I did it! I DID IT!!!” …But Kane didn’t do it just for himself, see: Kane did it for the Undertaker. Kane has now brought the belt back to the dark side.

And then Kane went to Taker’s bedside to report his victory… but it wasn’t a very happy reunion, as Taker is still in his Veggie Tales state, and had no clue what was going on. Fired up from that, Kane vowed to Taker that ain’t no one gonna take the belt from him. Further, Taker’s assailant is still running around, so Kane will not rest until he beats the fuck out of him. “Hell… will reign… supreme… when… the World… Heavyweight… Champion… achieves… his… vengeance!!!” …and blow corner pyros.

Wow, the punch line was a mix between cheesy lines from the 80s and Ultimate Warrior’s crazy talk… which I guess was in the 80s too, wasn’t it? Old school promo, but not really in a good way. I was actually digging it until he literally called himself the World Heavyweight Champion, because it just seemed too forced. As if the rest of the promo wasn’t also, but anyway…

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Drew McIntyre & Cody Rhodes defeat Matt Hardy & Christian by pin. Match was all right but nothing special. The story here was at the end, and during the Pier Four Brawl, Matt wound up smacking Christian in the face. Was it intentional? Did Cody just get out of the way at the last second? Either way, Matt shortly ate the Future Shock, and the heels bailed.

After the match, Christian got in the ring, pulled Matt to his feet… then shook his hand. Guess they both realized it was an accident. Seems peace reigns between them for another week.

Segment 3: Josh Mathews interviews Jack Swagger in the back, who says that he’s really pissed off that he lost to Rey at MitB. No way, he was robbed! See, Rey so totally cheated (a la Eddie Guerrero apparently) by undoing his boot and escaping that way. It’s so totally cheating… What Kane did clever, see, but not Rey.

So tonight, Jack gets to fight Rey again in a two-of-three falls match. Jack assures us he’ll damn near kill Rey tonight, and then he’s going to put Kane in the hospital at SummerSlam, just like Kane did to his daddy.

Segment 4: Another Alberto Del Rio vignette.

Segment 5: Michelle McCool and Layla are in the back, drinking champagne because Layla defender her (their?) title at MitB. They do their… their normal shtick. Then Teddy Long comes in and says that Tiffany will take on Layla for the title next week. Then there is more stupidity. God I hate those two.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeats Kofi Kingston by referee stoppage. Lame. Kofi started the match with Mike McGillicutty (his NXT2 rookie) in his corner, but Vickie ran him off. Vickie then did the normal valet thing and distracted Kofi every chance she got, eventually leading him to whiff the Trouble in Paradise. Dolph wound up slapping on his sleeper and winning.

After the match, Dolph jacked Kofi’s Intercontinental Title and posed with it before the ref took it back. Seems that Kofi/Dolph is just beginning, much to my chagrin.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Big Show squashes Joey Mercury (w/ Straightedge Society) by pin. For some reason, Punk chose his Masked Man to go after Show. Show unmasked him early; turns out to be Joey Mercury (John Morrison’s old tag team partner). The match ended with the Knockout Punch. Everyone else on the SES left him alone afterwards.

Segment 8: As if Cody Rhodes isn’t already so gay that the guys on “Queer Eye” don’t even bother trying to out-flame him, Cody is now doing vignettes where he gives us beauty tips. I refuse to insult your intelligence by recapping these other than a precursory recap to note its segment number. Fuck you, Cody.

Segment 9: Josh Mathews interviews Rey in the locker room, who cuts a vanilla promo that the only way he can restore his happiness after the results of MitB is to beat Swagger twice tonight. Also, that the next time he fights Kane, it’ll be a different result.

Segment 10: Another Alberto Del Rio vignette.

Segment 11.1 [Two-of-Three Falls Singles Match, Round #1]: Rey Mysterio defeats Jack Swagger by disqualification. Match was all right but nothing special. Obviously they’re not going to bust out their best stuff for the first round though. Jack did mostly leg-related offense, and finally slapped on the ankle lock. Rey got to the ropes, but Jack refused to break the hold, and was DQed. Good strategy though, because as we go to commercial, Rey is seeing how many pieces his ankle is in.

Segment 11.2 [Round #2]:Jack Swagger defeats Rey Mysterio by submission. Match was about 12 seconds long, and though Rey went for a 619, Jack caught him and put on the ankle lock. Rey immediately tapped out, then left the ring. No break this time…

Segment 11.3 [Round #3]: Rey Mysterio defeats Jack Swagger by pin. Decent finish but nothing insanely crazy. Rey’s ankle seemed to magically heal as he bounced around. Rey’s finish was to wiggle out of a gut wrench powerbomb, and off the rebound from the ropes, Rey spun up and around to go for like a DDT, but changed his mind and angle, reversed it to a crucifix pin, and won the match.

Post-Segment 11: Jack wanted to assault Rey some more, but Kane came down and gave him a chokeslam to eliminate him. Then Kane turned his attention to Rey, stalking him… but ultimately holding his hand up in victory. Rey never took his eyes off Kane, not that I blame him since Kane looked pissed and ready to blow, but no violence ensued.

…For about ten seconds. Kane went for a chokeslam on Rey, but Rey got his legs around Kane’s neck when he went airborne. Rey managed to do a huracanrana, then hit the 619 and ran away. Kane basically no-sold it, and was more offended than hurt that it happened.

Final Thoughts: Watchable night, I guess, but absolutely boring. I like Tweener Kane, but that was the only noteworthy anything that happened. You can safely pass.

Rating (out of 5): 2.0