Am I past the ad box yet? I certainly hope so, because I’m out of shit to talk about publicly, and it’s late. Let’s get SmackDown going, here, shall we?

Segment 1: Drew McIntyre is in the ring, apparently fresh off the Scottish boat. He wants to talk, but before he even opens his mouth, Teddy Long hits the ring with a huge smile on his face. And look, we have the Magical Reverse Camera again, where the ramp is stage right!

After pleasantries from T-Long, Drew tells him that his visa issues are all worked out and resolved, but what’s not resolved is his relationship to the general manager, whom he calls “Mr. Long.” T-Long comments on that, and Drew even calls him “sir” without prompting. Maybe all the haggis made him realize how much America rocks, what with its Grilled Cheese Burger Melts and other tasty foods that simultaneously stop your hunger and heart. [Ed. Note: since I'm already here inserting fun links from ColbertNation.com, why not throw in ONE MORE, on the issue of sandwiches being served inside other sandwiches.]
 
Anyway, Drew even goes ahead and apologizes for being mean to T-Long on so very many levels. “It’s never too late to apologize.” God, I hope you’re right Drew. T-Long calls bullshit on this, however, saying that Drew is just sucking up since Vince McMahon is wounded and down from his attacks at the hands of Nexus however many weeks ago. Drew has lost “The Chosen One” status, and is now under T-Long’s thumb, as it were. No more special privileges, no more mulligans: just an even playing field as everyone else.

Drew is not only cool with this, Drew says he’s also personally nominating T-Long for being a Hall of Famer! This actually draws boos, but the guys get some cheap pops by saying how awesome WrestleMania 27 will be, since it’ll be in Atlanta (where this episode is happening). T-Long even thinks Drew could be World Champion for WrestleMania 27! But first, he needs to win Money in the Bank… and before that, he needs to be in MitB… and before that, he needs to beg T-Long right here and now for a chance to be in it!

Drew isn’t happy with this, but T-Long reminds us via video recap that Drew made T-Long beg a few weeks ago. T-Long says in the present that if Drew wants the shot, he needs to beg. Drew isn’t happy, but he does drop to his knees, and goes ahead and plays T-Long’s game.

Even after T-Long releases him from the begging, Drew is still not in the MitB match yet. Drew will have to win a qualifying match tonight… against Kofi Kingston.

Segment 2 [Triple Threat Match, winner goes to Money in the Bank]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeats MVP by referee stoppage and outlasts Chavo Guerrero. So the story here is, it was essentially a handicap match, as Vickie wanted Chavo and Dolph to double-team MVP and conspire to have Dolph win. Halfway through, Chavo had his own ideas and actually tried to win by beating the shit out of Dolph, giving MVP enough of a breather to hit his finisher on Dolph. However, during the pin attempt, Vickie yanked out the ref. The ref bitched out Vickie, and so did MVP from inside the ring. This gave Dolph enough time to slap on his sleeper with scissors, which had the magic power of making MVP pass out in four seconds, and that was it.

Segment 3: A vignette for Alberto del Rio, the same extended one from last week.

Segment 4: Rey Mysterio is in the back, in the trainer’s room. Josh Mathews is with him, and updates us that Rey’s ankle has a ligament tear from Jack Swagger’s HEINOUS~! attack last week. Josh starts to interview Rey, but Jack busts in and slaps on the ankle lock on Rey. Jack maintains the hold and drags Rey through the back stage, finally stopping to slam Rey’s knee on some metal plating.

Rey groans in Spanish, and Jack looks proud of himself… then picks Rey up and flings him head-first into some plywood. After another pause, Jack drags him down the hall some more, takes a moment, then slaps on the ankle lock again and drags him out to the side of the stage. There, Jack maintains the hold for about a minute. Big Show arrives to make the save, which scares Jack off. EMTs swarm Rey as Show stands guard. Man, that was a bit uncomfortable to watch.

Segment 5 [Tag Match]: Zack Ryder & Vance Archer defeat Matt Hardy & Christian by pin. Match was below average, but it was all about the story. It started fairly typical and formulaic, with Matt being Face In Peril. When he went for the tag, Christian grabbed his arm, threw him over the top rope and to ringside, and then just left the whole match. Matt was beaten down presently, and lost.

Ladies and gentlemen: a heel turn. Well, a probable heel turn: This was in response to Matt getting the upper hand last week during the Peep Show, and for all we know, Christian may revert to face once MitB is over… but maybe not. Inarguably, Christian is now a solid tweener.

Segment 6 [Singles Match, Drew goes to Money in the Bank if he wins]: Drew McIntyre defeats Kofi Kingston by pin. Fun match but nothing special, though as always I note that Kofi’s “nothing special” is better than half the roster’s best efforts. Fun match, clean finish by Future Shock DDT.

Cut Scene: CM Punk and Luke “Mr. Mediocrity” Gallows are WALKING~! and come across Rosa Mendes, who is doing step aerobics. Like Dolph last week, the guys are mesmerized by bouncing boobies. I’m not impressed, personally, and hopefully this isn’t some sort of “new thing” for Rosa. Talk about a lame fucking character “hook.”

Segment 7: Another Alberto del Rio vignette, a new one, too long and awfully stupid.

Segment 8: Punk and Gallows hit the ring to talk about Serena. Or rather, they want to talk to her, and they call her out. She does appear presently, coming onto the stage. She begs her apologies for being drunk… and for revealing that fact as well. She says that she only ordered the footage shown to save Punk from Kane’s assault. She desperately says that Punk is so important, she would do anything to keep him safe.

Luke answers for Punk, saying that Punk won’t forgive her. Luke wanted to kick Serena out the first time they found her in that bar, but allowed Punk to talk him out of it. Punk had explained that Serena was supposed to be a role model, but now that we all know she’s a booze hound, the only way she can truly apologize is to leave the Straightedge Society forever.

At this point, Punk takes the mic and says that the only thing Serena has been right about so far is that… it’s not Luke’s decision. Punk declares that he forgives her, which upsets Luke, but Luke decides not to make a massive issue of it. He does give Serena a staredown for a few seconds, then leaves the ring and heads to the back.

Serena gives her thanks, as well as her word that she’ll never do anything against Punk again. Punk replies, “You better not.” With that, Serena hugs Punk, and Luke continues to look on from the stage in anger. [Ed. Note: Why not? To complete the quadfecta, I guess this is as good a place as any for THIS LINK, seeing as how Serena always makes me feel like my magma chambers are overflowing with thick, hot, molten Man Lava, even when she's doing dispicable things swearing off whiskey. With this final sperm-related clip, I have now managed to provide you with the entire 7/7 episode of The Colbert Report, albeit out of order, and made each link somehow relevant to this SD Recap! You're welcome.]

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats JTG by pin. Lame. Cody has new music, which sounds like Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer,” but is somehow even gayer.

Segment 10: Josh Mathews interviews Kelly Kelly in the back, who has beaten both Michelle McCool and Layla. Josh wants to know if she feels she’s ready for a title shot, but then Layla appears. Layla taunts K2, who responds with a slap… which makes Michelle appear out of nowhere, and they kick her ass then run away. Tiffany and some refs appear to check on K2 as we go to commercial.

Segment 11: Josh Mathews is going to try another interview, this time with Big Show, who says with a pained expression that Jack’s attack two weeks ago made him feel the closest he’s felt to any bone breaking. However, he’s a giant and heals fast (which I believe makes him a hairless Sabertooth), and tonight he’s 100%. He promises to make Jack suffer the way he suffered.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Big Show and Jack Swagger wrestle to a double countout. Match wasn’t really a match, just a fight, with Show getting mainly the upper hand and hurting Jack’s ankle. Jack crawled his way to the stage, and when Show went for the follow-up, Jack kicked his leg. Show went down, and Jack DDTed his leg like he did two weeks ago.

Post-Segment 12: Jack celebrated the fact that he hurt Show worse than vice versa, so he left from around the stage. In the back, Kane materialized, took Jack by the throat, and threw him into a room with a red light. Kane is sure, considering the last two weeks’ assaults, that Jack was guilty of putting Undertaker in a Veggie Tales state.

What followed was the most retarded bad-cop routine ever, with Jack finally screaming he has a totally concrete alibi that he didn’t hurt Taker… but he so totally can’t show the alibi until next week. Which sounds all sorts of retarded, but Kane goes ahead and accepts this, because he’s got shit to do.

Final Thoughts: Pass. I don’t know what they’re doing with SES, but absolutely nothing going on here was intriguing other than Christian’s tweener turn. And Kane is just all sorts of horrible, and really needs to just resolve itself before I entirely lose my patience

Rating (out of 5): 1.75