So, I've decided: what the hell, let's buy a new spankin' computer. Well, new parts. And only some parts. But they'll be NEW, damnit! And maybe I'll be able to try out this newfangled Windows 7 people are going on about. I avoided Vista like the plague, so hopefully 7 doesn't follow that trend.
 
[Ed. Note: let us know how that goes. The best PC I ever had was one that a tech savvy friend built for me with components that I hand picked. I was too a-scaired to do it myself. But lately, I've been getting the itch to try, since working off a Mac is all well and good, but I'd like a standard Windows PC at my disposal, too. And shopping at glorious NewEgg.com, I even came up with a DIY package of my own pieces that comes in just under $500 -- Windows 7 included at the ludicrous $105 price tag, making it the most expensive component of all -- and would rule (by my own standards of what is necessary to rule). But only assuming I could make it all work together without driving myself crazy. It'd be an AMD Athlon II x2 CPU (one that purports to overclock like a motherfucker), a full-ATX mobo with DDR3 and lots of expandability, 4GB of RAM, 1TB harddrive, a decent Radeon video card (I am no hardcore gamer and don't understand tards who hook up more than one monitor to their PC), and then whatever's cheap/free-shipping in terms of DVD burner, wireless card, case/PSU/cooling, etc.... not bad, right? If only I knew that self-building could be done by a novice like moi.] 
 
[Ed. Note 2: Also, who wants to donate $500 to OO so that I may conduct my experiment and try to better myself with new skills without having to worry about blowing up MY OWN money? C'mon, you know you want to! DONATE NOW!]
 
[Ed. Note 3: while I'm thinking of my NewEgg.com dreams, a quick question for technotypes out there... external USB hard drives, how are data transfer rates? If they're reasonable, I may pick me up a 500GB one purely as a portable library of illegal movies/TV/music, but if they're more like the same exact speed as flash drives, I might not... lemme know. And by let "ME" know, I mean The Rick, not Pyro, so use MY address, dammit.]

Anyway, because I'm using my mom's Netbook, she doesn't have Word, ergo I've lost my OO custom dictionary, so this might be a real spelling adventure here. And my fingers can't take the shape of the keyboard, so expect me to be a bit brief. I think I'll have to deal with RAW recap the same way, but hopefully things will be better for next week's SmackDown.

Well, recap-wise. Either way, we're playing through the pain as always here on OO. Let's do it...

Segment 1: We cold-open to the office in the back, where Teddy Long (looking fine) and Vickie Guerrero are addressing the camera. They recap Fatal Four-Way, and say that Rey Mysterio will be defending the World Heavyweight Title at the next PPV, which is Money in the Bank. Further, T-Long and Vickie will be figuring out which eight guys from SmackDown will be fighting at MitB in the specific MitB match.

Vickie switches subjects to Vince McMahon's condition... or tries to, but then Drew McIntyre appears. He reminds T-Long that he humiliated him last week, and humbled him... but T-Long is smiling, and that's so totally disrespectful to Vince. T-Long responds that he's smiling because the WWE Board of Directors has given him a free hand for SD with Vince out... so T-Long's first act is to reinstate Matt Hardy, and his second act is to book him a match against Drew tonight. Ooo, snap!

Drew leaves in a huff, and we go to the opening theme song, followed by our first match.

Pre-Segment 2: ...but first, after Big Show hits the ring, Jack Swagger appears and wants to talk. Swagger tells us that he's filed a so totally official protest against WWE. See, he's sad he has to fight Show tonight, and he's sad he had to fight against three other dudes at the Fatal Four-Way. He prattles on about it for a bit more, to boos (naturally), but he finally gets to the point that he's invoked his rematch clause for Money in the Bank. He assures us that until the PPV, he's "going to make everyone suffer." By talking? If so, he's doing great!

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Jack Swagger by disqualification. The match was decent, but the story was more impressive...

Jack basically got his ass kicked for seven minutes (including a sick superplex), but then managed to do a front chop block to Show's kneecap. Jack then did leg-related offense, including DDTing Show's foot, basically compressing the knee, a slick move that you can't do for anyone smaller.

Shortly thereafter, Jack did a springboard splash. He said what the hell, let's do it again, but was caught by the throat. Show got up, went for a chokeslam, but Jack twisted and manage to reverse it to a victory roll. However, Jack floated through, then slapped on the ankle lock.

Show started screaming, but did manage to get to the ropes. Jack's response was to drop to the mat himself and torque the fuck out of the knee and ankle. This drew the DQ... but the bigger story is that Show actually tapped at this point. Jack lost and left, and Show tried to stand, but sold the fuck out the knee, which is a really unusual visual, and gives Jack massive credibility points. Pretty sweet.

Segment 3 [6-Man Tag Match]: Christian, MVP, & Kofi Kingston defeat Dolph Ziggler, Vance Archer, & Curt Hawkins by pin. Pure formula, overlong, but at least watchable. No highspots. Match ended with the Killswitch.

Segment 4: Kane is in the back, all sweaty from being too close to his corner pyros during reherrsal, and is screaming at a coffin. He assures us he's totally going to kick CM Punk's ass tonight.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Matt Hardy defeats Drew McIntyre by pin. So, uh, they billed this as "six weeks of pent up frustration" from Matt, but aside from an initial burst of speed on Matt's part, there wasn't any particular fire under his ass, and absolutely no talk from the commentators about Matt being concussed for a couple weeks in a row. And this is supposed to be the blow-off match?  

One slick spot came halfway through the match. Matt was standing on the top rope, and Drew came up to him. Superplex? Oh no, nothing so pedestrian for the Chosen One: with one hand full of Matt's hair and the other under his armpit, Drew basically hip tossed Matt but continued to pull him down as they both crashed into the mat, Matt on his back and Drew on his ass. Matt Striker called it a "modified Michinoku driver," whatever that means, but it was awesome whatever its name.

Toward the end, Matt found himself outside the ring, leaning face-down on the stairs. Drew went up the stairs, readied his foot to stomp Matt's noggin, but Matt decided to whip out the surprise offense of grabbing Drew's ankle... the one that he was balancing on. Drew then fell on his ass and back on the steps, bending himself backwards over the step to slightly oversell it (but without being obnoxious).

Shortly thereafter, in the ring, Drew had one last attempt, starting the process of a Future Shock. However, Matt blocked that, hit a Twist of Fate almost out of nowhere, then slapped on the clean pin. Again, the commentators try to sell this as somehow being the finish to the rivalry, and I guess seeing as Matt won clean, sure, I guess we can go with that. I'm just surprised that in WWE Think this match didn't take place on a PPV.

Post-Segment 5: As Drew recovers, T-Long appears on the Titantron. T-Long says he's sorry that Drew lost the match, but then reports that apparently Drew's work visa has expired. This summons INS officials to come down, arrest Drew, and ship his ass back to Scotland. Seriously: two dudes in cheap suits with official-looking badges and Secret Service-like earpieces hit the ring, running past Matt who is still celebrating, and stand by to escort Drew away. Drew assures all of us he's not going anywhere, kicks the ring steps, then just leaves with the INS guys. How fucktarded.

Segment 6: Cody Rhodes and his NXT rookie, Husky Harris, hit the ring. Cody talks, first by giving himself a verbal blowjob on how hot he is. See, apparently, the WWE divas voted for "the most handsome superstar." Rhodes was #1. (Hilariously, #2 through #5 are John Cena, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, and MV-fucking-P.)

Cody creams his briefs at this, then goes on to insult how Husky looks, then throws his ass (figuratively) out of the ring. Cody goes on to apologize that we don't look like him, especially since clearly it's not genetics, but then he tries to sell us that his life is so hard since he has to deal with maintaining his appearance.

Cody exits the ring to personally insult a couple people in the front row, then Todd Grisham, then Tony Chimel. He gets back in the ring, thanks the divas for their totally accurate votes, and then he stretches out on the top rope on the corner. He finally gets to his whole fucking point: he thinks between his so-awesome in-ring ability and his handsome boyish face, he should be in Money in the Bank. Oh, and he also wants us to start calling him "Dashing" Cody Rhodes from now on, and drive the point home by repeating the phrase "'Dashing' Cody Rhodes" about 16 times before his music thankfully takes us out.

I hereby declare: there is no way in hell I'm giving him that nickname. If I still refuse to call Miz "The Miz," I sure as shit am not going to assign that douche his desired nickname. [Ed. Note: OO supports this decision. Any twat who wears a lady-piercing in his nose is not "dashing." "Dashing" is old school. "Dashing" is suave. Metrosexual ladyboys, however, may legally be called "kwet" and "hawt." But only by dumb girls. If, however, Cody decides to butch it up a bit with a full-on Porno Stache, he may refer to himself as "Ravishing" Cody Rhodes, if he likes. Between the piercing and the lisp, doing a gay-version of Rick Rude will really be right up his alley.]

Segment 7: Dolph Ziggler finds Vickie in the back, and demands an IC title match from her, but words it in the dumbest possible way (which may, or may not, be implying that he will refusing her sexual harassment if he doesn't get it). No one, thankfully, cares.

Pre-Segment 8: Rosa Mendes is in the ring as we come back from commercial. She's playing with a jump rope, which according to the commentators is supposed to be hot. No sale, WWE.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Kelly Kelly (w/ Tiffany) squashes Rosa Mendes by pin. Okay, so normally I don't recap squashes, but: Rosa turned around to hang her jump rope on the turnbuckle. When she turned back around, K2 kicked her in the stomach, did the Fame-Asser, and made the pin. That's some real hardcore wrestling credibility for the women's division right there.

Post-Segment 8: K2 decided to steal the jumprope and proceeded to use it, much to the delight of 13-year-olds who have just realized that Bouncing Boobies create fun tingles. Then, K2 whips the jumprope at Michelle McCool and Layla. Oh, did I not mention those two were out on guest commentary? That's because all they had time to do was sit behind the table and speak half a sentence before the match was over. Again, good use of the women's division there, especially after we just heard a six-minute monologue from one-third of the baby oil budget on how hot he is, which lasted a good eight times as long as this whole train wreck.

Anyway, Michelle didn't like a long wiggly thing in her face, so she proceeded to get in the ring and yell at K2. Layla joined in of course, which drew Tiffany. The heels decided that even odds were something they didn't want, so they elected leave while shouting that Tiffany was smelly. God, I hate WWE sometimes.

Segment 9: We get a cut scene of some Spanish dipshit in a villa. His accent is strong enough that I don't know what the fuck he's saying, other than putting himself over. I have to admit: when I first saw this, I thought it was an ad for a Spanish soap opera or something, but no: it's a vignette for some new wrestler. His name is Alberto Del Rio, and he's already bored me to tears. His "hook," if you can call it that, is that I guess he always tells the truth. So we have a Spanish George Washington coming soon? [Ed. Note: I thought it more the Anti-Eddie Guerrero. A heel who claims not to lie, but does; as opposed to Eddie who celebrated his dishonesty. But perhaps that's racist, since all I can see is the hispanickness of the two? So maybe he's a new take on Kurt Angle: Alberto's first "I" is "not lying," which is pretty much like "Integrity."]
 
Whatever: no possible way they can make that interesting.

Pre-Segment 10: We're about to have a match because Kane is so totally sure CM Punk put Undertaker into a Veggie Tales state. Punk hits the ring first, grabs a mic, assures us all that he's innocent, and then we go to commercial. Good contribution there.

Segment 10 [No-DQ / No Countout Singles Match]: Kane defeats CM Punk (w/ Straightedge Society) by jaywalking. Match was a fun little brawl, with of course the rest of the SES getting involved. Despite the three-on-one disadvantage, Kane managed to start a tear, including chokeslamming Luke "Mr. Mediocrity" Gallows through the commentating table.

From there, the fight went through the crowd and up the stairs, then to the lobby, where Kane threw Punk through a good three tables of random foods. Punk had enough of this shit, especially when he was thrown through the front door. Punk looked both ways, then hauled ass across the street. Kane didn't like the heat, and just chilled in the arena.

Final Thoughts: And that's it, a ridiculously anti-climactic ending to a fairly dry show. There were a couple watchable match, but they were overlong. Absolutely nothing to get excited about here. I want to make a final INS joke, but I can't think of anything, and it can't possibly not be lame anyway. Silence is golden in this case, baby.

So, yeah... feel free to skip this one. I could have gone to Taco Bell and now I have to settle on macaroni and cheese. Stupid SmackDown...

Rating (out of 5): 1.5