I’m finishing up the IGN Entertainment guide for UFC Undisputed 2010. It’s one of my favorite new fighting games, and I normally hate fighting games, mostly because I usually suck at them. It could be that I’m getting better, or the game could just be crap, but I don’t care: I’m good at it, damnit! Hopefully I’ll have the guide done by next week, if I can just get this stupid grunt work out of the way… doing 1103 move entries into a database? Yeah, that’s the kind of glory guide writers don’t talk about.

Okay, enough of me putting myself over. Let’s tune into MyTV and see what’s going on tonight…

Segment 1: We cold-open to Theodore Long, who talks to-camera, telling us that the Undertaker is in a coma. Seriously. Apparently, Kane found him in a "vegetative state," and now SmackDown is undergoing an investigation. All right, well, that’s one way to write the poor guy out…

Segment 2: After the intro, we get a casket, and the druids. I love the druids, I really do, I don’t care if they’re cheesy as hell or part of the “gay spooky,” they’re one collective gay spooky that I will mark out for every time.

Anyway, the druids carry the casket down to ringside. After they arrive to the destination, flames explode, and Kane heads down the ramp. Inside the ring is a lectern and a wreath, so we’re having ourselves an Undertaker funeral here (as if it wasn’t obvious before). Kane orders the coffin opened… but there’s no one inside. Kane prances around the ring and looks a little pissed, but gets to the mic anyway.

Kane opens by saying that is seems “in all likelihood” that Taker is finished in WWE, forever, good night. We’re done with the Gay Spooky, he goes on, that the dead man’s brilliance is extinguished by an act of cowardice. He laments that everyone loved and respected Taker, and now that force has been snuffed out, removing “the most iconic figure in WWE history.” Kane also says that what’s gone is the “bonds of brotherhood.” I have a feeling that line will be important.

Kane concludes that Taker will “rise from the dead no more,” but that whoever did it will be gone forever as well. He says that the assaulters will go to Hell, be tortured for eternity, and endure pain beyond comprehension, all given by Kane personally. Kane is a little over-the-top here, but you can buy it from this guy, especially since he sounds like he really believes it… especially when he concludes his speech by shoving the lectern away and breaking it.

Kane finishes up the speech by doing Taker’s signature taunt/salute, then he falls and sobs as he crawls to the casket, begging and pleading through tears with his regrets that he should have been at Taker’s side to help defend him from these forces of horrible things. Again: a little over-the-top, but Kane sells it like a champ.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger defeats MVP by pin. Above-average match, damn fine technical action, and just overall a very good effort by both guys. No high spots, but it’s definitely worth a watch. Match ended with a triple-reversey spot that saw MVP suffer a school boy pin after whiffing on his signature high kick in the corner.

Post-Segment 3: Jack bailed, leaving MVP alone in the ring… where Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer hit the ring and beat the tar out of him for no reason.

Segment 4: Vickie Guerrero is with T-Long and hypes him up while simultaneously being a back-handed compliment bitch. The point is that she wants him to put Dolph Ziggler in the main event at the next PPV, taking Undertaker’s place.

T-Long says fuck that, and has a more chaotic idea: we’ll just send everyone on the SD roster after each other in a battle royal tonight, and the winner gets the nod. Vickie isn’t happy about that, but it sounds like fun to me!

Segment 5: Jesus Punk is in the back, slapping on his luchador mask, and Kane busts in. Kane demands to know if Punk has anything to do with Taker’s injury… asking the question with his hands wrapped around Punk’s throat. Punk attests that the Straightedge Society had nothing to do with it, and to prove it, he offers the full power of the SES to help out, just don’t hurt him or unmask him! Kane shoves him away, and we go to commercial.

Segment 6 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Kofi Kingston defeats Drew McIntyre by pin, and retains. Another damn good match, but no major high spots. Match ended with the SOS. Matt Hardy was seen in the front row but didn’t do anything.

Post-Segment 6: ...Until after the match, where Matt hopped the barricade, hit a Twist of Fate on Drew, then ran the fuck away. Heh.

Segment 7: Rey Mysterio is talking to Kane, trying to insist he didn’t hurt Taker either. Kane ain’t buying it, playing the Bad Cop to absolutely no one’s Good Cop. Kane assures Rey that he won’t stop looking for the criminal here, and will never stop until he finds who is responsible. Rey leaves as Kane looks like he’s taking a particular painful crap.

Segment 8: Swagger appears on the Titantron to give us another Jack Fact, and no one cares. Then he tries to sing a stupid college song, but is cut off when Kane comes up behind him and starts breathing on his neck. From this we… fade out. Yeah, that was useful.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Kelly Kelly defeats Rosa Mendes by pin. Whatever.

Segment 10: Big Show and Hornswoggle are playing poker in the locker room, and Kane busts in again. He gets directly in Show’s face, assaulting Show with words and halitosis. Show dangerously whispers back that Kane better not accuse him of anything involving Taker, else it would be “a giant mistake.” Kane responds by kicking over the poker table and leaving.

Segment 11 [20-Man or so Battle Royal]: Rey Mysterio wins by eliminating Kane, outlasting everyone else. I just noticed here that Vance Archer has a tramp stamp. That’s just all kinds of wrong, isn’t it?

This one was a total clusterfuck, as all battle royals are, with Kane doing most of the eliminating. Rey had some neat eliminations, especially when he finished Chavo Guerrero. It was a triple reversey spot that had Rey try a 619, but it was reversed, but he went for a headscissors, which sent Chavo over. It was awesome to watch, silky smooth, and extremely entertaining.

All signs pointed to Kane winning, and he had some great triple-reversey stuff with Rey at the end. Every time Rey went for any sort of offense at the end, Kane beheaded Rey with a clothesline or big boot. The final spot started with Rey kicking Kane into the 619 position, and actually hitting it (after whiffing earlier). Kane snagged Rey’s throat during the follow-up West Coast Pop. However, as Rey went up to eat the Chokeslam, he got his legs around Kane’s neck, and did a sort of twisting headscissors-slash-huracanrana that pulled Kane up and over the ropes. Clearly, Kane is not happy.

Final Thoughts: …And we’re out. VERY wrestling-centric tonight, with almost no angles or storyline advancements outside of the Undertaker situation and Kane’s ever-present PMS as a result. That is, unless you count MVP and Vance Archer, and no one should give two shits about that. Actually, no one should even give half a shit about it.

All the matches, save the pointless divas match, were pretty good. Nothing really high-spotty or noteworthy, but pretty entertaining all around. Definitely worth a watch, but you’re not going to cry too badly if you skip it. Either way, if this is some sort of push for Kane, I’ll be the last one on Earth to complain about it.

Rating (out of 5): 3.0