Whatever. Hopefully the movie—whenever it comes out—manages to wrap things up and give Jack a happy ending, or at least one that has some semblance of a logical conclusion. [Ed. Note: at least it'll have Russians -- REAL, old school Russians -- as bad guys, instead of the latest fake, made-up, let's-not-insult-anybody, generic Middle Eastern Country. We were probably 2 seasons away from them just giving up and actually calling the bad guys "Pseudo Arabia."]

Segment 1: Teddy Long is out to start the show, the ramp flanked by Arena Security Staff. Interesting…

T-Long hits the ring and gets to business, saying that Jack Swagger will be defending his title at a Fatal Four-Way match in the stupidly named Fatal Four-Way PPV. T-Long says that Big Show gets an automatic entry due to beating Swagger last week, but the other two slots will be filled in by qualifying matches tonight: CM Punk vs. Kane, and Rey Mysterio vs. Undertaker.

Before T-Long can say any more, Drew McIntyre hits the ring, looking pretty pissed. DM is annoyed that he should still be the Intercontinental Champion because his match should have been paused due to a lacerated arm. So, DM says that T-Long should make him champion again, or else he’ll have to take matters into his own hands.

T-Long isn’t game at first, but DM pulls a letter from his tights: apparently it’s a letter from Vince McMahon for T-Long to read publicly. T-Long goes ahead and does so, which announces Matt Hardy being suspended indefinitely for attacking DM post-match on the PPV. DM smirks, and says that if T-Long gets in his way again, the next letter he’ll get is his termination.

T-Long drops his head and leaves without a word… just in time to hear Matt’s music. Matt tries to get to the ring, but T-Long and the Arena Security Staff stop him. As Matt backs up, Drew tells him to get a good look at his face, because he’s the reason Matt is suspended. This pisses off Matt of course, but nothing further ensues.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Big Show & Kofi Kingston defeat Drew McIntyre & Jack Swagger by pin. Damn fine match. Formulaic, but these four know how to really express the formula in an entertaining, exciting way.

One odd spot happened early between DM and Kofi. DM threw Kofi off the ropes, then went for a hip toss. In midair, Kofi adjusted himself and came down with what looked like Chris Jericho’s Codebreaker, though Kofi held onto his head a bit too long. This turned into DM overselling and sorta doing a forward flip to slam himself into the mat, after which (but after a noticeable delay) Kofi kicked his feet up a bit. It makes me think that it was supposed to be a monkey flip, but someone’s body position was off, and it looked like it should have been more devastating.

After that was a nice scary spot when Kofi went on a roll. Kofi downed DM in the ring, and went outside to the apron to do a springboard something-or-other. However, as Kofi went to the air, just before his feet touched the top rope, Swagger appeared to yank Kofi’s ankle, making Kofi fall all the way to the floor, smashing his face on the apron and the back of his head against the black mats due to the whiplash. Damn!

After that was the Face In Peril segment, but we went pure formula there. Kofi hot tagged to Show, who went House Of Fire and concluded with a Knockout Punch to DM. Show made the pin, Jack didn’t bother breaking it, and that was it.

Segment 3: The Straightedge Society is in the back. Luke Gallows and Serena are talking to CM Punk, though Punk’s head is covered by a towel, so we have no idea what he looks like. He gets compliments from Luke and Serena, but what he’s concerned about is the audience’s reaction. I can feel you, CM: you care too much for the people who don’t matter and are dismissing those who do, leading you to damage your relationships with those closest to you, and you won’t figure out your mistake until it’s too late, and you’ll spend weeks or maybe months with a pain in your stomach and chest as you regret your mistakes, feel an uncertainty in your future, and feel extremely lonely as your world comes crashing down around you.

Or maybe I’m over-thinking it, since it’s a frickin’ pro wrestling show, but I still feel you, Punk. 

Segment 4: Vickie Guerrero is in the back, along with Curt Hawkins and… uh… Vance Archer, is it? She yells at them in Spanish, then they leave. Whatever. Then, Dolph Ziggler comes in, and Vickie thanks him for saving her bacon last week in the Peep Show.

Dolph tries to pass it off, but Vickie says that it meant a lot to her. And she’s the official consultant on SmackDown! He tries to say that we all understand that she has no real power, but she cuts him off by placing a finger on his lips. She then goes in a soap-opera style voice about hot she thinks he is—without saying anything specifically—and that she’s booked a match tonight, with Dolph and Chavo Guerrero facing Christian and Hornswoggle.

Dolph thinks about this a moment, then starts yelling about how much Vickie was harmed, as he clearly senses he can take advantage of this situation. As he rants, Vickie checks out his ass, then dismisses him. We get a close-up of her necklace, which reads “Cougar,” which is simultaneously anvilicious (just in case you didn’t Get The Point when she hit on Dolph, because we’re all idiots), as well as gross.

Pre-Segment 5: Straightedge Society hits the ring, and Punk takes off his towel… and he’s wearing a Rey Mysterio-type luchador mask. Burn on us because we aren’t seeing him bald? Whatever.

Segment 5 [Singles Match, winner goes to the SD main event at Fatal Four-Way]: CM Punk (w/ the Straightedge Society) defeats Kane by pin. Match was all right, marred by some awkward and broken spots at the end.

A nice false finish at the end was a possible blown spot. Kane threw Punk over the top rope, but Punk tried to catch himself, probably to drop on the apron. However, Punk slipped, and slammed his shoulder into the apron, then fell off and landed weird on the mats outside. Looked really painful, but it was light enough that he managed to get back on the apron and hop up on the turnbuckle.

From there, we entered the end game, concluding with the shittiest Go To Sleep ever. Plus ten for the visual of Punk getting Kane on his shoulders, but minus several million for the awful and awkward way the move was actually delivered. Punk made the pin after that, and Matt Striker tried to cover with, “It’s not the drop off the shoulders that really makes that move hurt, it’s the knee to the face! And we don’t know what’s in that kneepad! Could even be metal!” Sure, Striker… sure.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Christian & Hornswoggle defeat Chavo Guerrero & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Match was about as much as you could hope for. Seeing Christian and Chavo operate together was a treat, but it was overshadowed by stupidity with Horny being the FIP. Regardless, the faces won after a triple-reversey spot where Christian rolled away from a Frog Splash and countered with the Killswitch.

Segment 7: Josh Mathews interview Layla and Michelle McCool, who cut a promo against Beth in their unique and annoying way.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Luke Gallows (w/ Serena) defeats MVP by pin. I respect Straightedge Society for pulling double-duty tonight. It was a decent match, but pretty much the limit of Luke’s talent. I thought it was pretty damn smooth myself, but I’m also more of a mark for MVP than others are, so take that as you will. The match ended with the Gallow’s Pole after the masked man appeared and sucker punched MVP behind the ref’s back.

Segment 9 [Singles Match, winner goes to the SD main event at Fatal Four-Way]: Undertaker defeats Rey Mysterio by pin. Decent match, very watchable, and a hot crowd who didn’t care who won.

Sloppy spot halfway through, where Taker went for a powerbomb or something, but Rey wiggled out so he was sitting on Taker’s shoulders for some offense. This concluded with a spinning headscissors, but Rey did the move then Taker actually sold it. Weird.

That entered us into the end game. Rey hit the 619, but when he went for the follow-up springboard splash, Taker caught his throat right before he landed. No Chokeslam, but Taker maintained control for a bit. Rey got one final hope spot, where he went for a springboard moonsault. Taker caught him though, and planted him with a Tombstone.

Final Thoughts: And that was it for the show. Very wrestling-oriented, which is a total compliment. Though, it makes for nothing for me to say down here, so let’s get to the rating.

Rating (out of 5): 3.25