Pre-Segment 1: Teddy Long out to start the show, who must be dreaming because he’s convinced SmackDown got the better of the draft. So losing Edge, Jericho, Morrison, and the whole Hart Dynasty is somehow worth picking up Kelly Kelly, Big Show, and Chris F. Masters? Really?

Well, the point here is that we’re going to see a match with one of the newbies… Kofi is now officially part of SmackDown!
 

…and his opponent is Jericho, which means WWE can’t be consistent within its own rules for longer than 30 seconds at a time. I hate WWE.

Jericho wants to cut a promo though and says that he wanted to be the “Face of SmackDown,” and he so totally did it, but now he has to go on and be the “Face of RAW.” But he tells us SmackDown fans not to fret, because even though we’re going to miss him—and he’s cut off with “You suck! You suck!,” which makes Kofi bust up laughing.

Jericho changes gears and says that we need to move on and grow up since he’s leaving us. Kofi snatches the mic, says “Grow up? Why don’t you shut up! Oh, and if you can’t, I’ll make you!” …Er, not quite Kofi’s best promo there. Jericho doesn’t even look offended so much as confused.

Regardless, the talk is talked, now it’s time to walk the walk.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Chris Jericho by pin. Decent match but nothing special, but some smooth moves from Jericho. One spot saw Jericho laying on his back, so Kofi went for the Boom Drop. Jericho moved, and Kofi landed on his feet, but Jericho hopped up to hit a Codebreaker out of nowhere… but the force sent Kofi out of the ring, and by the time he was forced back in, he had recovered enough to kick out at two.

Jericho then screwed around for a full minute, taunting Kofi. When Kofi finally decided to get up, he hit a Trouble In Paradise out of nowhere and made the pin. Is it me, or does Jericho lose a lot of matches like that?

Segment 2: Jack Swagger is in the back, talking to-camera, giving us the fact that after “he” won the 2002 Rose Bowl, he was personally invited to the White House by “the greatest president in our country’s history: George W. Bush.” You know, I’m all for cheap heat, but that seems a little too nonsensical for me. Even if you’re a Bush-hater (and I am), who the fuck is going to try to say, with a straight face, that W. was somehow a better president than Washington, Adams, Lincoln, and Roosevelt? Bah, maybe I’ve read too much Tom Clancy.

Segment 3: Jericho is WALKING~! in the back and runs into Big Show, telling him that he should have listened to him about keeping the team together and that SD was the greatest show ever. Well, we don’t actually see who Jericho is talking to, but Jericho is looking above himself, so clearly it’s someone pretty tall.

Anyway, there’s no response, so Jericho demands to know if Show is listening to him. Show responds by hitting him with a right cross, saying he did hear him, and leaving. This is, of course, the Knockout Punch, and true to its name, CJ is unflinching on the ground.

Segment 4: Chavo Guerrero of all people is in the ring with a mic. He puts himself over, then puts over Vickie, and assures us that he and Vickie are so totally tight. So we should all clap to welcome him back! And everyone boos!

BOOM!!!

…Huh, Kane’s pyros. This isn’t going to turn out well. Kane hits the ring; this isn’t a match, so Kane skips the preliminaries and just Chokeslams Chavo for no reason. Kane then grabs the mic, says “Welcome back, Chavo,” blows his corner pyros, and that’s it. Poor Chavo.

Segment 5: Shad Gasspard cuts a promo to-camera, says that it’s “My time,” and, uh, that’s it. Whatever.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats John Morrison by pin. From pinning the World Heavyweight Champion clean one week to jobbing clean to Rhodes the next. So sad. At least the commentators had the decency to mention it.

Not a bad match, just overly long and not really that fascinating from Cody’s point of view. Match ended on the Cross Rhodes.

Segment 7: Time for another Jack Fact, which is that he led his college team of some sport to a bunch of victories. Gotta be honest: don’t care, wasn’t paying attention to details.

Segment 8: Edge is out here to make his farewell speech… okay, so I guess my earlier comment about the Kofi/CJ match should be withdrawn, because this is sorta a second supershow, right?

Anyway, Edge blathers that he actually is a little disappointed to be drafted to RAW because he always considered SD “his” show, and us “his family,” and how we supported him through the years even when he didn’t deserve it. And from the bottom of his heart: he loves us. That’s nice and all, but look: we all know these are the same fans on each show. It’s not like RAW and SD are separate teams here, you know?

And here comes Christian, with the commentators saying that they have a “storied history.” So we’re ignoring the brother angle, as we have since Christian returned home from TNA? Fair enough. Seeing the two in the ring together, regardless of storyline context, makes me a little tingly… I still very fondly remember “The Ladder Match” that ignited Edge’s, Christian’s, and Jeff Hardy’s careers (and Matt’s, albeit to a lesser extent). Still one of the greatest matches of all time.

Edge has to start things off with “Edge and Christian! E&C!,” just to say the team name one more time. Edge says that he knows why Christian is out here, but before he wishes him luck on RAW, he wants to say Christian is his best friend and wishes him luck here on SmackDown. Hm… I smell a turn in the air, do you?

Christian replies that he’s glad he brought up “the best friends thing,” since we fans may not know their entire history. They met during sixth grade (ah, so we are retconning the brother thing out of existence), grew up together, were roommates together in college, entered pro wrestling together, traveled the world together, and even became 7-time tag champs together.

…And that means Christian knows him better than anyone, possibly knows him better than he knows himself. That’s why Christian knows that every word out of Edge’s mouth before Christian came out was crap.

Edge is confused and asked where the hell that came from. Christian says that he doesn’t think Edge truly appreciates or respects how much the fans cared about him, that Edge always used him to get what he wanted.

Edge counters that this isn’t about him; this is about Christian. Now it’s Christian’s turn to be confused. “I’m a 9-time World Champion! How many do you have?” Christian smirks, says that he of course has never won a world championship—“If it doesn’t happen in WWE, it doesn’t count,” as Joey Styles once said—but when he does, he will do it on his own merits, not with Edge’s help.

But Christian knows that Edge is trying to change the subject, so we’re going to get back on track with “Edge… you… are… a… liar.” And you can hear that the crowd really doesn’t know what the fuck to do here, because Christian is a face cutting a heel promo (that’s accurate!) against a career heel who is a face, with Edge reacting peacefully like a face but with an angry face expression like a heel.

There is a (intentionally) awkward pause, the crowd isn’t even chanting or cheering at this point. Finally, Edge says “You know what? You’re right! I’m the puppeteer, I used them, I made them chant ‘Spear! Spear!,’ and I loved it!” Crowd, again, has no fucking clue what to do. “I’m a master of psychology, and guess what? I fucked around with the fans, and I enjoyed it!” I’m flabbergasted: this actually earns Edge cheers and applause. Can anyone else in pro wrestling pull a Domino’s Pizza and get praised for admitting they’re an asshat?

Christian says that ever since he came back to WWE, everyone has asked him when E&C was going to reunite and make another run for some tag titles. But Christian understood, finally, that Edge used him to get to the top as well, so he now doesn’t want to see that team ever reunite. This, also, draws applause. Rather than seeing Edge and Christian, he wants to see Edge versus Christian right now. That draws a huge pop.

Edge readies himself, then says no and starts to leave. Christian starts to say “That’s what I thought,” but is cut off when Edge cheapshots him. After another hit, Edge readies a Spear… but Christian counters with a kick to the testicles. After a bit of brawling, Christian sets up the Killswitch, but Edge slips out and bails.

Christian picks up the mic and says he’s got a better chant than “Spear! Spear!,” and proceeds to sing the goodbye song… really, really off-key, but still.

Wow. Amazing promo, and I had a feeling it was Christian who was going to turn. So, Edge had turned? I’ll talk more about that in the Final Thoughts.

Segment 9: Josh Mathews talks to Edge in the back, who says that we’re never going to see a Christian vs. Edge match. Before we go further than that, Edge runs into Show. Show says it’s too bad we’re not going to see that Christian/Edge match… also too bad we’re not going to see this match either. Edge kinda scoffs… then eats a Knockout Punch. So, since Show is doing nothing but punching out former tag champions, does that mean he’s a face now?

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix defeat Layla & Michelle McCool (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Mickie James was released for this? Good lord.

Well, match was formulaic and, uh, adequate. I’ll give K2 credit: her moves were crisper than they have been. She’s definitely be working at looking better, but I’m still not exactly impressed. She’s got the flippy stuff down well but still doesn’t have the actual wrestling moves to back them up. Meh.

Segment 11: Another Jack Fact: he had a shitload of scholarship offers in high school. Whatever, doucher.

Segment 12: Oh god, even Chris F. Masters gets a to-camera bit? And he does the dancing pecs? To cheers? “Now that’s a masterpiece.” No, that’s an illustration of something WWE values over Shelton Benjamin’s pure wrestling talent. Doesn’t that just piss you off?

Segment 13: Dolph Ziggler is out here and says that he did us all proud last week on RAW… by beating the shit out of Hornswoggle. Dolph says we’re never going to see him again, because “I put him to sleep, and he’s in Leprechaun Heaven.” Really, Dolph? You’re equating a fucking sleeper hold with a fatal move? Even Wade Barrett cuts better promos than you, asshole.

Segment 14: Josh Mathews interviews Matt Hardy in the back, who says that his head injuries from Drew McIntyre’s beatdown has taken its toll on him physically and psychologically. But he’s gonna come back, and he’s going to show Drew just how—

Whoops, here comes D-Mc to shut down the promo. A few punches to the head and a Future Shock later, Matt is again playing concussed idiot as we fade to commercial. Who didn’t see that coming?

Segment 15: JTG gets a to-camera promo now. JTG talks nonsensically in half-sentences for 45 seconds, which makes it feel like five minutes. Todd Grisham actually has to translate, saying that JTG has basically said he wants “bling bling around his waist.” Ugh.

Pre-Segment 16: Here comes the Straightedge Society, led as always by Jesus Punk. He recaps his and Rey’s match from Extreme Rules, that he won against Rey because he’s alcohol-free, drug-free, brain-free, testicle-free, and so on.

And here comes MVP to interrupt. MVP apologizes to the SD fans for having to listen to Punk’s rhetoric every week. Oh, and the only saving that’s going on tonight is MVP saving us from listening to this douche. Alrighty.

MVP goes on that he remembers SD being fun with big things popping and little things stopping and blah blah blah… but now that he’s back, his promise to the people is that Friday nights is going to be “hot” again. [Ed. Note: hey, as long as Serena's here and she's NOT wearing those dumb-ass capris from the PPV, the hotness is already here, MVP. Feel free to take some off, fella, maybe test the waters over there on Superstars...]

So then he attacks Punk, which is retarded since Mr. Mediocrity is standing right there, but Rey comes out to make the inevitable save. MVP looks a amused, and we go to commercial.

Segment 16 [Tag Match]: MVP & Rey Mysterio defeats Straightedge Society by pin. Meh. Match all right but nothing special, ended with a 619 on Gallows followed by the 305 by MVP, which is a jumping one-armed facebuster, I guess.

After the match, the hooded SES member came out of nowhere, did a twisting neckbreaker on Rey, then left. SES was on the stage and looked pleased, but still hurt from their loss.

Segment 17: Another Jack Fact, that he had a 4.0 GPA and was a keynote speaker at his college because of it.

Segment 18: Enough of the Jack Facts, because here comes Jack himself to the ring. Jack wants to retell a story of his youth, but is getting absolutely blasted with boos, so he has to interrupt himself and beg for silence, which of course no one gives him. He has to try a few more times, but fails each time, even eating a “You suck! You suck!” chant.

Jack finally blathers more about his childhood accomplishments, going into a volume contest against the crowd, trying to see who can blather/boo the loudest. And Jack knows the crowd is eating it up, so he just retells more stories. The fans, interestingly, wax and wane their boos. I mean, you can only boo so long before you run out of breath, and Jack sounds like he’s wrapping up… but then he says something else and draws maximum volume boos again. It was really fun to watch.

Jack finally gets to the fact that his crowning achievement was winning the World Heavyweight Championship. He assures us that he’s going to be champ forever, until he retires, and hopes that he’s going to elevate the title to—

Here comes T-Long, says we’ve all heard enough, and announces that we’re going to see the new #1 contender for his title.

…And it’s Big Show. Who enters. To absurdly huge pops. Okay, so, definite face turn because he punched out one heel and one newly turned heel? And another heel on RAW? Okay, whatever.

Jack looks rather scared. Show gets in the ring and grabs a mic, then sarcastically says that we all need to applaud Jack’s accomplishments. The crowd boos, so Show softens it by saying that a golf clap is the most appropriate response, and even does one with the crowd.

Show goes on that what the doctor told his mother when he was born was: “Oh my god, do you see the size of him?!” The point is, of course, that Show is the world’s largest athlete, but that’s not to take accomplishments away. This is interrupted with a crowd-delivered “Knock him out! Knock him out!” chant, which Show responds to by giggling like a schoolgirl.

Show continues that Jack’s accomplishments are 1) going to college, 2) getting a degree, 3) being an Eagle Scout, and 4) he’s the current World Heavyweight Champion. Show says that he only needs to add one little thing to his resume: early retirement. And BOOM, knockout punch from fucking NOWHERE. Damn, his hand speed is fast.

Jack is laid out as Show soaks up his newly found cheers, and we’re out.

Final Thoughts: Big Show’s turn is nice—I like him better as a face—and Jack really worked the crowd. But the big story here is Edge and Christian, which represents layers of awesomeness.

With this turn, all sorts of interesting things can happen. Edge and Jericho could get past their differences, reform, and go after the tag titles again. Or Edge could be a tweener and continue to mess with Jericho. Or Jericho could even turn face and play with Edge with swapped sides. Or Edge can ignore Jericho relatively entirely and play with Cena (since we all know Cena/Edge matches were actually better than watchable). Or Edge can play with Orton (since we all know they have history and Edge can make even Douchebag McToolbox look good). Or Orton can turn heel and we see Team Rated RKO reform. Or… or… or…

Edge’s heel turn really solves a bunch of problems. Edge is better as a heel, and was only a face just because he got that initial batch of fresh-from-injury love. But he’s a special kind of heel, the kind that can make fans cheer for him even when he’s being a dick, as he demonstrated by blatantly saying he used fans and still goosed a pop out of them. He’s the kind of heel can that be a true, true dick but be so good at it that you have no choice but to be on his side, especially if he’s being a dick to a bigger dick.

Don’t get me wrong: as usual, I have zero faith WWE will write a compelling story for Edge. But I do know that Edge is the type to rise above his material and make lemonade out of lemons, and Edge will probably elevate himself to #1 heel on RAW within a handful of months (especially if Bats really is on his way out). And I’ll eat one of Rick’s bugs if this is truly the last time we’ve seen Edge and Christian against each other in the ring; it may not happen now, it may not happen for a year, but this is a match that is truly “years in the making” even if it’s predicated on retconned storylines, and you know both guys can steal the show no matter who they’re facing. Quite frankly, the fact that Christian has made noises about the World Title, that just gets me excited for Swagger/Christian matches.

Speaking of Christian though, the whole Edge/Christian promo was all sorts of frickin’ awesome. Probably the best promo on WWE since Shawn/Taker were playing with each other. It’s a shame to see them on different shows, but as I said, I highly doubt we’ve seen the last of them against each other.

Other than the Christian/Edge promo, nothing here was especially amazing. I call the promo a must-watch, but the rest is “meh” at best. Don’t let my segment count fool you: this was a standard two-hour show, it’s just they had a bunch of short stuff between matches. (I’m even tempted to call the Jack Facts “cut scenes” rather than segments.) Still, nothing is really worth a watch, unless you really want to see dancing pecs and wannabe gangsters cutting unintelligible promos to get us to care more about them than actual wrestlers who released earlier this week.

Fuck your hiring practices, WWE.

Rating (out of 5): 2.5