Maybe next week I’ll have something to talk about. And hey, right now, I’m past the ad box, so the winner is you! Let’s roll on to SmackDown, where we find ourselves two days away from Extreme Rules.

Pre-Segment 1: Jack Swagger hits the ring to start things off tonight. He’s here for a match, but wants to talk first… and the lights lower even, for this State of the Champion Address.

He says he’s on a roll because he beat two future Hall of Famers last week, Edge and Jericho that is. He further says that if Jericho “is the best in the world at what he does,” and Jack beat him, well, that makes Jack the best in the world now, doesn’t it? And then on Monday, he goes on, he beat the crap out of Undertaker and dominated him “like no other superstar ever has… including Shawn Michaels.” Man, what a dick! Of course, Jack doesn’t bother to mention he lost that match.

Let me pause right here to again marvel at luck. You know the phrase “fortune favors the bold”? I interpret that as “good things come to those who seize opportunities.” Jack would not have gotten a match against Taker this week had the volcano not erupted, and what does Jack do? He wrestles the match of the week (possibly match of the month if we ignore the triple threat from last week), and uses the match—and wisely not the result—to further his credibility and inflate his ego. This man, ladies and gentlemen, is seizing every opportunity thrown at him.

Jack goes and puts himself over, that he’s awesome and the best natural talent WWE has ever seen, and then assures us he doesn’t like bragging. Instead, he gives a video recap… which normally I don’t recap, but really, it was cut great, showing only the positives of the match. This, hilariously and intelligently, just adds to his being a dick, since he completely ignores the result of the match and just goes on that he was awesome. “If you look at that, you’ll say ‘Does that make you look like a winner?’ I say NO: ‘It makes me look like a champion!’” Which is completely true, a distortion of the truth that makes him look that much better.

Jack goes on that he is going to dominate Randy Orton just like he dominated Taker, and will return to SmackDown as a champion we can all be proud of. Jack gives us a plethora of snake-related metaphors, topping off with that Orton can inject competitors with a poison so deadly it knocks them out in three seconds. Jack says that Orton, however, is not looking just at a man who set an NCAA record of 30 straight pins in college, but he’s also looking at the antidote.

Wow. The crowd can’t even really boo the guy: that whole spiel was just so unbelievably awesome and smooth that everyone just has to appreciate it.

Jack soaks the moment for awhile, then hits a secondary punch line that he’s not going to play with The Viper: he’s going straight for the Viper’s neck, and he’s going to cut its head off. Again, the crowd doesn’t—can’t—boo him. Amazing mic work, just amazing.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: John Morrison defeats Jack Swagger by pin. Damn fine match. Yet again, Jack switches gears and goes pure-technical for this one, completely shedding his brawling side that he showed against Undertaker on Monday.

Once sweet spot came from John Morrison. He did a missile dropkick from the top rope, but added a twist to it. Literally, a twist: he spun in the air during the kick, more like a drill. In fact, it caused Swagger to bleed from the mouth, also causing the ref to don some rubber gloves. The match continued however; if it was stopped for the blood, they thankfully cut that out of the broadcast.

The match continued to be mostly about Jack slapping on every submission move in the universe. JM got his hope spot but it was dashed to pieces when he ate a Swagger Bomb from practically nowhere. However, JM was near enough to the ropes that he grabbed them, saving himself and having the match continue.

This soon led to Swagger going for a scoop slam, but JM wiggled out and pushed him chest-first to the corner. Jack stopped himself, looked more annoyed than anything else, then turned around… right into a jumping roundhouse kick right to Jack’s temple. Without missing a beat, JM hit the Starship Pain since they were in the corner anyway, and that was it.

Amazing. After all of Jack’s talk, he again loses. He’s got more losses than wins since winning the title, and now JM can argue he should get a title shot. Just awesome all the way around, story-wise, action-wise, personality-wise… a real treat for pure wrestling fans!

Segment 2: Jesus Punk is in the back, speaking to Teddy Long. Punk says that Rey Mysterio is so totally a sociopath for running around cutting people’s hair at random with clippers and how that’s so totally wrong. T-Long says that it’s Punk’s problem; Punk counters that it is his problem because it is his show… but then, okay, so it happened on RAW, but still, we can’t let Rey keep doing that! T-Long retorts that he hopes Punk wins on Sunday, because all of us will be repelled by Punk’s theoretical bald-headed ugliness, since only a true playa playa like himself can pull off a shaved-head look.

Punk isn’t amused. He tells “Chuckles” that he won’t be laughing very hard once finds Rey and puts the hurtin’ on him. T-Long says Punk won’t have to look very hard, because he’s going to book a match. Tonight, we’re seeing the Straightedge Society against Rey and a bald, handsome, debonair man! “What, you?” laughs Punk. “No, playa… Kane!” Aw, poor Punk.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre defeat Matt Hardy & R-Truth by referee stoppage. Match was more story than substance. R-Truth was on a tear and tagged in Matt, who continued the momentum until he was sucker-punched by Drew outside the ring. Drew then did a light curb stomp-like move to Matt on the steps, unseen by the ref. Remember, Matt is selling a “concussed idiot” injury here, starting this last Monday.

After Drew’s attack, Matt basically just stumbled around. The ref kept asking Matt if he wanted to keep going, and Matt kept saying yes (even kicking out of a pin), but Dolph continued the offense. Eventually, the ref just called it off. For whatever reason, they play Drew’s music as a couple EMTs hit the ring.

Post-Segment 3: …But Drew doesn’t want to end things, so he again sucker-punches Matt as EMTs try to lead him away from the ring. After pushing the EMTs away, Drew grabs Matt’s hair and flings his head against the steps. He tells Matt “This is the last time I ever want to see you.” Uh… okay? The statement is a bit of a non sequitur, but whatever.

Segment 4: Chris Jericho and Wade Barrett hit the ring, both dressed in suits. The cage is down—representing the cage match between Jericho and Edge this Sunday—and they hop in. CJ is going to keep his promo simple for us moronic hypocrites, so he says bluntly that he’s going to end Edge’s career on Sunday, so we don’t see any more of him at all, especially not his Spears.

CJ goes on that he’s going to use every part of the cage as weapon, all for an effort to send Edge “home, where you belong.” Edge will be watching the RAW Draft Special from a bed, and CJ will so totally draft him to a hospital. Oh, and: the best part is that the idiot fans who call themselves “Edgeheads” (ugh, got an unwanted image of Zack Ryder’s tights there) will no longer be chanting “Spear Spear Spear.”

And here comes Edge to retort. Edge starts by saying that, it is true, CJ injured his ankle last week, and people are asking how Edge can possibly compete on Sunday. CJ smiles. Edge then says that more people are asking how CJ could have possibly lost to Heath Slater on NXT last Tuesday. CJ stops smiling.

But Edge wants to get serious. He is hurt, this is true, but he promises that nothing will stop him from his cage match on Sunday. For that matter, there is nothing that will stop him from getting in the cage right now. Edge pauses as he does indeed get in the cage despite Barrett standing with CJ inside.

Edge goes on that CJ won’t stop prattling about how he’s going to reinjure Edge, but CJ keeps forgetting that Edge understands injuries, understands the efforts it takes to recover; hell, Edge broke his NECK before! But he loves this business, and will do anything to get back in this business, and does CJ even begin to comprehend what kind of effort that is?

Edge is starting his weird face expressions as he says all this, right down to the random hair stroking and eye twitches. It all causes CJ to be visually creeped out, and he slithers slowly back away from the ever-impending Edge. Edge gets in his face anyway, says that CJ has never experienced it but he does, and has nothing to lose. And perhaps, just perhaps, we’re going to see if CJ himself can get back from injury on Sunday.

CJ tries to smirk it off, but is unsuccessful and is clearly intimidated from fear. It doesn’t help when Edge promises nothing will stop him from Spearing CJ through the cage on Sunday… but he’ll do him one better, as nothing will stop him from Spearing him right now.

Edge throws the first punch, but gets his ankle clipped by CJ as he gets distracted by Barrett. Despite their numbers advantage, Edge manages to recover, fights them both off, and readies a Spear. However, CJ is near the door, so he slithers away, closes the door, and locks it. CJ taunts Edge from outside.

Barrett gets up, begs CJ to open the door… but he won’t. So Edge beats the hell out of Barrett, throwing him around like a man half his size, and caps it with the Spear. Edge then says something unintelligible to CJ through the cage, then poses while eying CJ. CJ for his part backs away slowly, talking shit but only due to the safety of the cage.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: JTG defeats Mike Knox by pin. All right, so this officially shows that Knox has been demoted to jobber. The commentators say that JTG requested this match so he could practice against a dude in similar built to Shad, which I guess is story enough for the moment.

Typical but time compressed power-vs.-speed match, though the winning move was a simple leapfrog neckbreaker that didn’t really look like it would cause much damage. Knox was practically buried, and threw all of like four moves in the match (including one stiff-as-fuck flying crossbody that looked fucking painful).

Shad was out on commentary, and he and JTG jawed at one another halfway through the match, but nothing came of it. Shad also cut a ridiculously vanilla promo… his only interesting line was that, though he and JTG grew up together on the same mean streets together, Shad watched his back all the time. There are ways (in a Lifetime Channel kind of way) that that subplot can be built up so we actually give half a damn about Shad, but Shad didn’t take it, and instead focused on the fact he so totally dominates WWE, which he clearly doesn’t.

JTG, for his part, kept his mouth shut and let his in-ring work speak for itself. He’s flashy like John Morrison and just about as smooth, though he doesn’t seem to have the basic wrestling essentials that JM possesses. Still, JTG is a decent midcarder to watch, so I hope he gets rid of Shad quickly and moves on to greener pastures and better opponents.

After the match, Shad got in the ring and beat the shit out of JTG. Shad’s weapon of choice was a leather strap, as he and JTG are having a Strap Match this Sunday. Shad screams at JTG “It’s my time! My time! My time! My time! My time!” And no one cares.

Cares. Cares. Cares. Cares. Cares.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Layla & Michelle McCool (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeat Mickie James & Beth Phoenix by pin. Beth was pleasantly smiling during her entrance… how very out-of-character for her.

The match was pure, absolutely formula: Beth got the early advantage, then became Face In Peril, did the hot tag to Mickie who went House of Fire, her pin was broken by Michelle, Pier Four Brawl ensued, Layla hit a spinning neckbreaker to win. Meh.

Post-Segment 6: After the match, Beth went to get revenge on Layla, but Michelle cut her down. As Michelle beat on her, Layla fetched and ironing board (really) from under the ring and set it in the corner. Michelle whipped Beth through it, then dragged her to the middle of the ring. Michelle slammed the remainder of the ironing board on Beth, then she and Layla smeared lipstick all over her face. This is “sending a message”? Well, I guess it was humiliating… better than their old tactic of doing in-ring buffets.

Pre-Segment 7: We’re starting our main event, but Punk wants to talk as he hits the ring. He promises that after tonight, he’s done talking. He says he’ll let his actions do the talking on Sunday, just like Rey’s actions on Monday told everyone he was a coward. That’s odd logic, but whatever.

Punk says he hopes that Rey finds solace in that lock of hair, since that’s all he’s going to get. His hair will remain on his head, “and will remain as pure as newly fallen snow,” as well as his focus, purpose, and mission.

To that end, there is a barber’s chair at ringside, because we’re doing a saving tonight! Someone will get their head shaved and join his Straightedge Society, this he promises!

…But first, we’ve got a match.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Straightedge Society (w/ Serena) defeat Rey Mysterio & Kane by pin. Match was decent but nothing special, pure formula with Rey being FIP. Triple-reversey stuff at the end, kicked off with a scoop slam attempt by Punk Rey wiggled out and dropped to the mat, then tried a roll-up pin. Punk countered by just sitting on him, leading to the three-count.

Post-Segment 7: Punk tried to continue the assault, but Rey had a handle on him and put him in the 619 position. Rey started to go for it, but Punk slipped out of the ring… but Rey smoothly transitioned to a baseball slide. It connected, conveniently putting Punk right in the barber’s chair. Rey grabbed the clippers, but Serena leaped on Punk’s head. Rey hesitated, and Serena and Punk bailed. Rey ended the segment, and the show, by posing with the clippers.

Final Thoughts: Not a bad night. Swagger stole the show, though he’s quickly coming to the point where he can’t steal the show so much as the show is his to be stolen from, if that makes sense. All things surrounding him and the Edge/Jericho feud were fantastic. The rest of the show… meh, above average, but nothing epic. This one was a should-watch episode, though I will go so far as to call Swagger/JM a must-watch. Damn good stuff, and his star is definitely on the rise.

Other than that, I’ve said all I’ve wanted to say. Take care guys; I’ll see you again Tuesday with the RAW recap.

Rating (out of 5): 3.25