In the meantime, we’ve got wrestling, and WrestleMania itself a couple weeks away. I have high hopes for Shawn/Taker and I’m a total mark for anything Bret Hart-related, even though it’ll be a shadow of his former ability. Let’s see how WWE builds on the rest of it tonight…

Segment 1: We’re starting off tonight with Rey Mysterio… and his wife and kids? I have a feeling that I don’t even want to know where this is going.

The fam is here because we’ve let Rey into our home for years, so he’s going to let us into his home. He introduces them all, and says that with all the traveling WWE wrestlers do, it’s easy for them to miss important moments. Still, parents usually go out of their way to make kids feel special, so he’s doing that tonight, as it’s his daughter’s 9th birthday. This somehow gooses the crowd to start chanting “Happy birthday! Happy birthday!” Heh.

But that’s sorta jumping the script: Rey wants to sing the non-public domain birthday song to her, and we start to sing along. This is the proper cue for the Straightedge Society, who Orton-walks their way down to the ring. Jesus Punk begs the Mysterio family to continue their song, and Punk even sings it completely off-key to the crowd’s boos. Alia plays her part well, acting like Punk is telling her to go herself.

Punk assures Rey that he’s not out for violence here, so chill. What he is out here for is to give a formal challenge against Rey at WrestleMania… and tonight. Like, now, at this second. “Since it’s your birthday, Alia, I’ll give you the present of allowing you shut your eyes while I reduce your daddy to tears and beat him within an inch of his life.” Ouch.

Punk makes similar indirect threats against Rey’s son and wife, including sexually harassing the latter (because that’s what Jesus would do!), and then starts being a bit more personal by saying Rey is a total pussy.

This still isn’t working, so Punk gets on his knees so he’s on Rey’s level. Rey continues to refuse to fight, staying between Punk and his family. Punk then slaps Rey, and Rey starts to move, but he holds off long enough so his family can get out of the ring to safety. Once they’re out, he follows them, bringing up the rear as a last act of protection. Punk talks some shit, then sings the whole birthday song as a final dick move.

Wow… I’m very happy to see Punk be a total dick without spouting off his straightedge BS. It makes him more effective as a heel, and sorta shows his “range,” as it were. I haven’t been this (correctly) pissed off at a heel since Edge was in full-on asshole mode.

Pre-Segment 2: Here comes The Miz with Daniel Bryan. I just have to state for the record that, more than the low-pants droopy drawers look, I despise the shirt-half-tucked-in look. Bryan has only the front-right quarter of his powder blue dress shirt tucked in, and I just want to punch him. Is that supposed to be hot, or cute, or “I work hard to look like I just woke up,” or what? Whatever it is, I hate it.

Anyway, Miz is here to talk before acting. Miz runs his mouth against John Morrison and R-Truth, convinced that JM and RT can’t possibly win against him and Big Show. So tonight, both heels will face both faces in one-on-matches, just to prove that they’re totally better… BECAUSE WE’RE SHOMIZ… AND WE’RE… AWESOME!!!

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: R-Truth (w/ David Otunga) defeats Miz (w/ Daniel Bryan) by pin. Decent match but nothing special. The endgame saw Miz roll up Truth and put his feet on the ropes. Bryan didn’t like the cheating, so he shoved Miz’s feet off the ropes. Miz was pissed of course, which distracted him away from Truth, who was able to recover. A moment later, Truth hit his spinny crossbody, and that was it.

Segment 3: Drew McIntyre is in the back, WALKING~!, and Theodore Long finds him. Apparently, Vince McMahon again “expunged” DM’s loss from last week. So tonight, Drew is getting his third attempt at qualifying for the Money in the Bank match, going so far as to handpick the opponent for Drew.

T-Long says he can’t change the match, but then changes the match. Uh, I guess T-Long meant he can’t undo the match? Regardless: not only is the next match a Money in the Bank qualifier, but it’s now also for the Intercontinental Title.

Segment 4 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title, winner goes to Money in the Bank]: Drew McIntyre squashes Some Guy by pin. How anticlimactic. I refuse to recap squashes.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats John Morrison by pin. Decent match but nothing special. It looked like it was going to be a reverse squash for awhile, with Show beating the holy hell out of Morrison for almost ten minutes until he got a significant comeback and hope spot. However, when JM went for a springboard crossbody, Show timed it and blasted JM in the face with the Knockout Punch. Damn, that had to hurt.

Segment 6: In the back, Tiffany is talking to T-Long. They missed each other apparently, and Tiffany is so totally happy to be working with the divas. Oh, and Mickie James apparently has a knee injury. They’re dropping like flies, it seems.

Anyway, Vickie Guerrero comes in. T-Long introduces to them to each other, and of course Vickie gets all stupid and catty. T-Long assures her that Tiffany is here to compete, not to take a position of power. Vickie starts laughing… and then says that the joke is that Tiffany has to take on Michelle McCool. Ten bucks says that Tiffany, a kickass badass diva that is actually giving major credence to the women’s division for the first time in god knows how long, is going to wipe the floor with the anorexic juvenile bitch.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Cryme Tyme and The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) wrestle to a no contest, although it’s probably technically a DQ win for THD. The match was underway, pure formula, didn’t seem special.

…Till the lights went out.

Punches, kicks, Last Rides, Chokeslams, and Tombstones later, the only man standing in the ring was the dead man. Even JTG had to suffer the Hell’s Gate / Devil’s Triangle / Triangle Choke / MMA Blowjob. God I love the Undertaker.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Tiffany defeats Michelle McCool (w/ Vickie Guerrero & Layla) by disqualification. Goddamn, I think Tiffany is going to be promoted to my new #5. She comes out dressed as a cheerleader in a hot but not slutty way, and the only move she eats is a push. After Michelle opened with that, Tiffany kicked all sorts of ass, only being stuffed when Vickie attacked her outside the ring.

I’ll say this: Tiffany doesn’t have the move set of the upper class divas like Gail Kim (who, admittedly, has more moves than half the guys on the roster) or My Melina, but she’s got a better move set than Maria and Christy “Red-Headed Spaz” Hemme did when they started. Hell, I think Tiffany is already more credible in the ring than Michelle is.

Post-Segment 8: After the three heels have fun beating the shit out of Tiffany, it’s Beth Phoenix of all people who run out to make the save. She floors Layla and Michelle, then makes threatening glances at Vickie. Beth is about to apply the Fall of the Phoenix, but Michelle manages to break that up just long enough to give all three heels the chance to bail.

Beth then approaches Tiffany. At first I figured she’d attack her, but she instead helps Tiffany to her feet and holds her arm up in victory. So, I guess Beth is back to being a tweener? Or is this a full-on face turn? Either way, I damn sure hope Tiffany is actually a permanent addition to the active diva roster rather than a one-off competitor. Now she just needs to change that god-awful music, and I’ll be a fan.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Luke Gallows (w/ Straightedge Society) by disqualification. Match was decent but nothing special, though that’s somewhat high praise for a power-vs.-power contest. Gallows’s moves didn’t seem to have the “oomph” that Kane’s did, but I can’t really put my finger on why. Kane sold fine, but… I don’t know.

Anyway, the match was about to end with a Chokeslam. Kane did deliver it, but then Jesus Punk jumped in the ring and assault the Big Red Machine to put an end to the rally.

Post-Segment 9: And here comes Rey to make the 3-on-1 assault save, though he slowly walks to the ring rather than sprinting. By the time he gets there, everyone else has left the ring. Punk tries to too, but Rey catches him, and a one-sided brawl ensues even through the crowd. Refs break it up and Punk retreats, but that’s hardly the final chapter here.

Segment 10: Our main event promo is the Cutting Edge. Chris Jericho, oddly, comes out first… Wait, never mind, it’s actually Jericho’s Highlight Reel segment. This is the first time we’ve seen the Highlight Reel since Jericho put Shawn Michaels’s face through the Jeritron 5000, so it seems CJ has a new one.

Edge comes out after CJ without an introduction. The crowd gets in a “Spear! Spear!” chant before anything is said… it really is this decade’s “What???”

Edge begins by saying that there is irony in the segment title, since this is the “Highlight Reel” but the only highlight of the last few weeks is Edge hitting CJ with the you-know-what. CJ says that we “sheep” are in fantasy that the Spear is some sort of uber move, that CJ himself lives in reality. And in his reality, Edge could have been something with CJ, but instead is too busy getting injured every time he’s “on the cusp of greatness.” “Do you know what I was doing at WrestleMania when you were at home injured?”

Edge retorts: “Losing.” BURN!!!

CJ doesn’t see it that way, that he’s been just forging his legacy and greatness… all without being hurt a single day. Edge cops to being injured, but excuses it that he takes risks. He admits that it might have taken years off his career but at least he always jumps into things with no fear and no regrets. But this year, he’s healthy, and he’s going to face Jericho without fear or regrets and will win back his World Heavyweight Title.

CJ counters that Edge is now by himself, which is his downfall, that Edge has never succeeded on his own. CJ points out that Edge was at his best when he was with Vickie Guerrero. Edge cops to that too, and says, “You know that girlfriend everyone has that they regret having? Well…” Heh, nice way to get around that whole story. “For me, it was Vickie. I guess for you, it was Big Show.” IMPLIED HOMOSEXUALITY BURN!!!

Edge gets back to business, repeating that even Vickie was a risk. Again, risks are how he does his career, and will face CJ including risks to get the title.

CJ again reminds Edge that bad things happen when CJ is around Edge. He’s sure that Edge isn’t 100%, is still injured and will suffer and be aggravated at WrestleMania. CJ knows that Edge has a grandeur view of what WrestleMania will be, but the reality is that he will lose.

Edge says that what the reality really is that he’s going to make CJ an ex-champion, which will happen after the Spear.

This finally sets CJ to violence, smacking Edge in the mouth with the mic, then the gut with a stool (that neither bothered to sit on)… then goes to ram Edge’s face through the Jeritron. Edge manages to stop before that happens, hits a DDT on CJ, then backs up to ready the Spear. CJ is holding his title belt however, and stands ready. Edge goes for the Spear, but CJ cleanly counters with a massive concussive shot to Edge’s forehead. Goddamn.

CJ picks up the mic, then begins his own “Spear. Spear. Spear. Spear! Spear! Spear!” The crowd, of course, does not play along. Jericho ends it by dropping to his knees, getting a inch from Edge’s unconscious face, and saying it one last time. CJ poses over Edge’s corpse with his belt, and we’re out.

Final Thoughts: Goddamn, best SmackDown promo in a long time, Shawn/Taker notwithstanding. In fact, if Shawn/Taker is the best thing RAW has going on (though it’s more cross-brand, but let’s not get hung up in details), CJ/Edge is definitely the best thing SD has going. I hate the new “Spear!” chant, but I guess it works as it’s intended.

Taker’s Gay Spooky has limited effect on me, admittedly a major mark. However, when Taker goes all “random pissed off badass,” I absolutely dig it, and his assault against Cryme Tyme and THD was so unbelievably random that it was an unexpected, wonderful surprise. Loved it!

Punk has turned a corner has become an all-around dickhead, and I mean that in the most loving way. I mean, the whole straightedge thing was just starting to wear out its welcome: he’s entertaining, but even the best mic guys can get too redundant and annoying if they repeat the same shtick over and over (see: Jericho). Punk switched from being obsessed with being our savior to just being a jerk, which has worked. I don’t know if that same formula will always work, but it sure as hell worked this week, and lit a fire under a Punk/Rey feud.

Tiffany is awesome, and I’m looking forward to more from her. Miz continues to be awesome too, though he’s carrying R-Truth in that little tiff.

Nothing else to talk about, and I’m hungry, so I’ll wrap it up for this week. See you guys on Tuesday for my recap of RAW, Week 2 of this the Monday Night War II!

Rating (out of 5): 3.0