I’m home, ladies and gentlemen! A big shout-out to Rick for covering the recaps for the last two weeks, but I’m sure you’re all happy to see me back! After all, Rick was a bit too obsessed with Jewel’s “bOObs” for the last couple weeks; thank God I never prattle on like that about any woman! [Ed. Note: show me better REAL bOObs on WWE TV in the past 4 years, and I'll stop obsessing. Those things rule! Also: she plays guitar! If only she wasn't attracted to tiny men who wear Halloween costumes for a living, I'd be infatuated!]
 

Still, being in the middle of Times Square was a treat. I come from Xenia Fucking Ohio, people: the largest building we have is the eight-story retirement home. Being in the middle of Times Square is trippy, seeing all the buildings tower over me, when the smallest one is like six stories and the middle of Times Square they’re like 430. I got some decent pictures in Times Square (including one of the new year’s ball, which I didn’t realize they keep up all year), and I’ll share them one of these days once I find the motivation to hook up the digicam.

That all said, the worst part of any vacation is coming home. I’m tired all day, I dislike my job, I’m hungry for something good-tasting (seriously, if you have cash, visit a Rainforest Café), and the nightmares have just picked up right where they left off. It all begs one question: I came back home for THIS???

Oh well, that’s part of life I suppose. If life was just peachy, we wouldn’t need vacations in the first place. Coincidentally, I’ve got another four days in a row off Wal-Mart and considered taking a second quickie vacation… my lack of funds is currently stopping me. I suppose I COULD, but I’ve also randomly decided to spend the rest of my tax return on picking up the guitar (also indirectly inspired by our The Rick), so I’m out of play money for going any farther than McDonald’s. Maybe next year…

Segment 1: Edge is out here to talk to us to open the show. He cuts a fairly generic (but entertaining) promo against Chris Jericho. Edge again ends his rant with “Spear! Spear! Spear! Spear! Spear!” like he did last week and even gooses the crowd into chanting with him.

And then Big Show comes down to ruin the party. See, Edge beat Miz cleanly last week, and tonight, Edge has to take on Show. Show also will get to see who he and Miz will take on at WrestleMania to defend their Unified Tag Titles against tonight… but that’s neither here nor there, because right now, Edge needs to worry about him.

Show and Edge then steal an exchange from Happy Gilmore (“I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast!”), then Edge gets back to wrestling talk rather than exchanging decade-old Adam Sandler lines. Edge teases a Spear, which puts Show on the defense. Edge says the word “Spear!” four times, which has the magic effect of making Show charge. Edge ducks the attack and pulls down the top rope, sending Show over and out to his humiliation.

Segment 2: Drew McIntyre is talking to Theodore Long in the back. Drew lost to Kane last week, but Drew is insisting T-Long to make his official announcement. That official announcement: Kane’s win last week is now “expunged” so Drew is still retroactively undefeated, by Vince McMahon’s order.

I guess the match last week was a Money in the Bank qualifier: T-Long goes on that Kane is still qualified for the MitB match anyway, but Drew gets a second shot tonight against Matt Hardy. Drew wants to shake T-Long’s hand; T-Long just walks away.

Segment 3 [Singles Match, winner goes to Money in the Bank at WrestleMania]: Matt Hardy (w/ Justin Gabriel) defeats Drew McIntyre by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Things ended with some triple reversey stuff that saw Matt reversing a pin, but the reversal showed clearly that Drew actually got his shoulder up at 1-1/2… but that’s not the way it was booked, so like an outtake of a sitcom, we ignore it and give Drew the loss.

After the match, Drew threw a temper tantrum and swore to the commentators that he would, for sure, be at WrestleMania.

Segment 4: John Morrison is watching the show on a monitor in the locker room. Slam Master J appears to show off his pecs and thanks JM for the workout tips (though it sounds like he says “Thanks for the tits”), and then leaves… which makes R-Truth and his NXT buddy appear. Truth gives JM a bit of a pep talk, also mentioning that Dolph Ziggler beat both of them in that triple threat match. That so totally sucks, because we can’t job to Mr. Ziggles!

JM agrees, and says that tonight is their last chance to get into WrestleMania. (To go for the Unified Tag Titles, I guess?) JM and Truth run down some theoretical names for their tag team, with Truth hitting the kickass punch line that, “The name I know we can agree on is ‘The Unified Tag Team Champs’!” Ooh-rah!

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Shelton Benjamin defeats Dolph Ziggler by pin. Decent match, technically speaking, but it was awfully boring. It ended with a really shitty-looking Paydirt.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Ezekiel Jackson squashes Jimmy the Wang by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Segment 7: Rey is in the back, and gives a little girl—his daughter—a doll of himself. Well, action figure. In comes Tiffany, and Rey says “Welcome to SmackDown.” No further information: is she the assistant GM? Who knows; right now, she’s helping Rey’s daughter open her doll. Aw…!

I just hope still see more of Tiffany in Bad Ass Mode like she was on the final ECW.

Pre-Segment 8: The Straightedge Society is out here for a match. As they make their way down the ramp, Jesus Punk blathers that parents are terrible role models for their children, which is the only reason fans like Rey Mysterio. “Little boy, you only [dress up in Rey’s mask] to fill the empty void left by your mommy and daddy.” Ouch!

I just noticed: has Punk had his hair like that for awhile? The whole “part down the middle and wet-looking straight to his shoulders” look popularized by the Real Jesus in a church’s stain glass windows?

Anyway, Punk goes on giving Gallows a pep talk. See, Rey is refusing to fight Punk himself for some reason (I didn’t watch last week’s SD so God knows what that’s all about), and instead will be facing Luke Gallows tonight. Whatever.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio defeats Luke Gallows (w/ Straightedge Society) by pin. A reverse squash, Gallows kicked Rey’s ass for 15 minutes, then saw a powerbomb reversed into a DDT for a pin. Whatever.

One shitty spot occurred to lead into the break. Rey slipped out of a move, and Gallows came charging. We’ve seen the spot before: what was shitty was that Rey dropped to counter and grabbed the second rope downward. Yet, Gallows still somehow sent himself flying over the top rope. So… weird.

By the way, right before that spot, we heard Josh Mathews say the ironic line that Rey never complains and is always happy in the locker room. If backstage wrestling news is accurate, WWE brass are laughing now.

After the match, Punk ran in and tried a Go To Sleep. Rey slipped out, kicked Punk in the leg, then ran away.

Segment 9: Big Show and Chris Jericho are talking in the back. CJ congratulates Show for having the tag titles and finding a kick ass partner. Show tries to tell him to stop his patronizing comments, but CJ goes on that Show owes him to Chokeslam Edge through the ring tonight. C’mon, big guy!

And like the ex-girlfriend who isn’t falling for the sweet lines from her ex-boyfriend, Show says that it’s always been all about CJ forever, and Show is doin’ it for himself now. Uh huh!

Segment 10 [Triple Threat Tag Match, winners become #1 Contender for the Unified Tag Team Titles]: R-Truth & John Morrison defeat The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) by pin and outlast Cryme Tyme. Match was all right and pretty quick. It ended when, after a Pier Six Brawl, Truth hit his spinny crossbody on Tyson Kidd.

Segment 11: Michelle McCool, Layla, and Vickie Guerrero are talking in the back at how awesome it was for Vickie to slap Mickie James last week. They continue complimenting each other like idiots, and the heels give VG a T-Shirt that reads “Simply Flawless.”

The team walks away when Beth Phoenix comes up. She asks, nicely, when she is getting a shot at the Women’s Championship, since she’s the most dominant diva. VG replies that she is the most dominant diva, and that Beth only gets a shot if she says so. Beth starts to reply to that that she shouldn’t be crossed, and Vickie replies in kind. Uh… tension? That no one cares about?

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Edge defeats Big Show by pin. Match was all right but nothing special. Match ended on the Spear.

After the match, Jericho came out of nowhere and tried to smack Edge with the World Heavyweight Title. Edge ducked it, delivered a Spear, then got a mic and said “Spear!” another dozen times. Ugh… this is the new decade’s “What???”

Final Thoughts: Meh. Night was pretty boring… I mean, I guess things advanced, but there’s not a tremendous amount of goodness tonight. Not a bad episode, but one that you don’t need to experience beyond my recap to appreciate.

Rating (out of 5): 2.0