I don’t understand how that’s fair at all. Women… they’re sometimes hard to figure out, aren’t they?

Pre-Segment 1: As we get underway, we’re told that tonight, we’re going to have another tournament thingy like on RAW where we’ll see who the five wrestlers will be who face the Undertaker at the Elimination Chamber for the World Heavyweight Title. Good to know.

Segment 1: Here comes Chris Jericho, who hits the ring and starts off talking… softly. Poor little Christopher’s feelings are hurt because he failed to win the Royal Rumble! He’s wanted to main event WrestleMania forevers, and now Edge has taken it all away! Awwwww, poor li’l Christopher!

CJ says that we’re cheering for Edge but misremembering him, that he’s a con artist jerk, and that he so totally walked out on CJ when they were tag champs. But yet, he goes to main event the big one, and he’s got nothing. Aw…

Anyway, he demands to see Theodore Long to give him a free pass into the Elimination Chamber, rather than making him earn it, because he deserves it. T-Long doesn’t respond, so CJ hops out of the ring and heads to the back.

The cameras follow, and Jericho finds T-Long’s office. He sees T-Long reading a newspaper and smacks it out of his hands… uh oh, it’s Edge! CJ craps his pants, and Edge says that it was CJ was the motivating factor for Edge to come back. “So thank you, Chris, you created the monster.”

CJ runs with the metaphor: “Well, if I created the monster, then I’ll destroy the monster. You’ll regret ever coming back.”

Edge snaps: “NO! No… You will regret that I ever came back!” Beautiful exchange.

Edge goes on that he’s starting up the Cutting Edge again, and the guest star will be Taker, who of course might be his opponent at WrestleMania. CJ patronizingly congratulates him, then promises he’ll be watching that.

Segment 2 [No-DQ Triple Threat Match, winner goes to the SD Elimination Chamber]: John Morrison defeats Kane by pin and outlasts Drew McIntyre. Good match with a unique ending. One cool spot near the end-game saw Kane hold DM’s throat, readying a chokeslam. JM, to counter, hit the ropes and did a jumping roundhouse kick that hit Kane’s face and the back of DM’s skull at the same time. That’s a hell of a way to make a point!

After that was the end-game, starting with Kane signaling for a chokeslam against JM. DM grabbed his IC Title belt, smashed it in Kane’s gut, then hit the Future Shock (double underhook DDT). JM got up and gave DM the Stiff-As-Fuck Running Knee while DM was in the pin. As DM rolled around from that, JM quickly jumped up on the ropes and hit Starship Pain against Kane, making the pin and earning the right to go on to the PPV.

Segment 3 [Singles Match, winner goes to the SD Elimination Chamber]: R-Truth defeats Mike Knox by pin. Match was lame to me, simply because of the result. I mean, both guys did well, but we started off with Knox doing a scary-looking running crossbody. The match ended however with Truth doing his spinning crossbody… like it was the same move, but magically had enough to put down Knox even though Truth survived it? Whatever.

Segment 4: I don’t usually recap recaps, or recap crap I’ve already recapped, but we see a video of the end of RAW, where Batista and Vince team up against Bret Hart. Why am I recapping it? Because we get to see ADDED FOOTAGE~!

Turns out, John Cena did come down to make the save after the show went off the air. When he did, Bats and Vince bailed, even retreating all the way to the back. Cena picked Bret up, held his arm up for the crowd…

Then Bats came back down and kicked Cena’s ass all around the ring. The finisher was a Batista Bomb onto the steel steps in the center of the ring, damaging Cena’s SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! neck and back.

Segment 5: The Straightedge Society watched that on the monitor in the locker room. Jesus Punk says that the Straightedge Society would crumble without its leader, and that Bats has that much anger against him too (I guess Punk and Bats have a match later?). So Punk asks whether Luke Gallows and Serena are willing to sacrifice themselves to keep him from getting Batista Bombed onto steel steps or what-have-you. Both of them agree they would totally throw themselves into the pits of Hell to protect their savior. Whatever.

Segment 6 [Singles Match, winner goes to the SD Elimination Chamber]: CM Punk (w/ Straightedge Society) defeats Batista by countout. The match started… Batista leaned against the ropes for a full minute… then just left. He stopped in the middle of the ramp and watched the ring as he was counted out, then just smiled and left to the back. Punk danced around like he won the Super Bowl. Weird.

Pre-Segment 7: Matt Hardy is WALKING~! and runs into Maria, exchanging pleasantries with her. He then passes her and heads to the ring. Uh… okay…? What was the point of this?

Segment 7 [Singles Match, winner goes to the SD Elimination Chamber]: Chris Jericho defeats Matt Hardy by pin. Match was decent but nothing special. Some exciting triple-reversey stuff at the end, with both the Walls of Jericho and the Twist of Fate being countered. However, after the ToF counter, Jericho hit a Codebreaker almost out of nowhere to end it.

Pre-Segment 8: Mickie James hits the ring wearing the exact same thing she did at Royal Rumble, which isn’t an insult. She’s hot, but still “only” my #6 on the roster. So yummy.

Mickie addresses the whole fat situation, saying that by rising above and being real is what being a true champion is all about. And what comes around goes around, and blah blah blah. Yeah, this would have been a lot more effective before this crap came to a head.

And here comes Beth Phoenix, cutting off MJ’s next sentence. Beth points out that while she was throwing cake in girls’ faces, she was in the Royal Rumble beating the shit out of 29 grown men. Not quite accurate, but good enough for me.

Beth goes on that Mickie stood up for herself, and had her moment in sun, so good for her. But, if Beth wants the title, she’s going to just take it. MJ says that if Beth wants a match, just ask, because she’s a fighting champion!

And here comes Vickie Guerrero onto the stage. VG says that she’s the official consultant, damnit, and they should face the true #1 contenders! Whatever.

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Mickie James & Beth Phoenix defeat Layla & Michelle McCool by pin. Match was decent but nothing special, though more about the story than the action. Beth kicked Michelle’s ass all over the ring, then knocked Layla off the apron. Beth dragged Michelle over to her corner, tagged in MJ, who clotheslined Michelle.

…Then Beth punched MJ in the face.

Everyone was stunned, and Michelle too was more confused than grateful as she got to her feet. Beth looked at her, gave her the coolest shit-eating grin in the universe, then punched Michelle in the face too. After that, Beth just left.

Michelle fell near her own corner after the attack. Layla had managed to get back to her corner, and reached Michelle for a tag. Layla ran over to Mickie, but Mickie quickly wrapped her up into a small package and finished it. Heh, Layla never got a punch off during the whole match.

As MJ’s music played them off, the heels bailed, and Mickie and Beth stared each other down from the distance of the ramp. Intriguing, and infinitely better than the “Mickie’s fat” bullshit story.

Segment 9: Cryme Tyme does yet another unfunny Word Up segment. Moving on…

Segment 10 [Singles Match, winner goes to the SD Elimination Chamber]: Rey Mysterio defeats Dolph Ziggler by pin. Decent match but nothing special, although Rey’s “nothing special” is more entertaining to watch than many other wrestlers’ efforts. Match ended with a victory roll.

After the match, Dolph tried a cheap shot, but Rey countered and hit him with a 619.

Segment 11: Guess we’re doing a “main event promo” tonight? Edge is out here for his Cutting Edge segment, to cheers for the first time in his career. Before calling out the Dead Man, he waxes about his injury and recovery, and I truly think he’s speaking from the heart when he talks about how great it feels to be back, and how the pain and efforts were worth it just to defy the doctors’ odds and be on-track for a main event appearance at WrestleMania.

He posits whether to face Taker or Sheamus, and we see a quick video recap of the Edge/Sheamus confrontation on RAW. Edge says that—getting one-up on Sheamus—was fun, but…

And here comes Jericho, who gets in his face and again blames everything on Edge. Edge says: “Wanna know why you don’t deserve to win? Because I threw you over the top rope of the Royal Rumble just like the rules say I can!”

Jericho lets that topic go, and says that he’s the face of SmackDown. Edge says he’s not, that it’s Jericho’s own damn fault, mostly because Edge is back and pissed. Edge is upset at hearing Jericho’s rhetoric, is sick of his suits and his snooty little self-righteous smirk.

And here comes the Straightedge Society. Punk blathers that Jericho and Edge look like “two junkies arguing over who gets the last fix,” and that they’re so busy arguing between each other, they’re missing the point of the big picture, which is the Elimination Chamber in general and Taker in particular. Punk runs down his list of accomplishments, including forcing Taker to tap out for the first time ever (neglecting to mention the ref’s help of course). This all means he’s better than everyone, including Edge and Jericho, and he’ll prove that in the Elimination Chamber.

Lights go out.

When they come on, it’s a crazy four-man brawl, with Taker beating the hell out of Punk (ending with a chokeslam) and Edge beating the hell out of Jericho (ending with a Spear). It stops there as Edge and Taker eye each other, and Edge signals (Broadly) that he’s going to win the belt. No more violence ensues.

Final Thoughts: This puts our final six for the SD Elimination Chamber at Undertaker, Punk, Jericho, Rey, Morrison, and R-Truth. Interesting… as Striker pointed out (probably at the prompting at the voices in his head), both Elimination Chamber rosters are half-full of guys who are “new” as far as WWE cares. I mean, sure, Morrison isn’t “new” per se, but he’s new to the upper-midcard, you know? And lord knows that with the unique setup of the Elimination Chamber, any of the lower guys could go over and it not look completely stupid.

That said, I’m a realist, and I don’t have a lot of faith WWE would be brave enough to pull the trigger on putting the title on someone new to the upper-midcard. Then again, I said the same thing in the Cena/Sheamus title match, so what the hell do I know? If WWE does want to at least tease one of the newly promoted guys taking a win, the PPV would probably be somewhat entertaining.

On the divas’ side, it looks like the whole fat shit is over with. If they want to continue the feud between Mickie and Michelle a bit longer (the latter has an automatic rematch, unless that rule doesn’t extend to the lower titles), I won’t complain if they make it about the belt. I just want all this fat crap over with.

Beth meanwhile continues to be a weird tweener… I mean, she’s a heel, I guess, but she’s not a complete evil bitch. She’s like halfway between a heel and a tweener… a tweel, maybe? Or a heener? Whichever, I do like everything they’re doing with Beth. It’s almost one reason I’m happy she’s over on SD, because she couldn’t pull this storyline off if she was on RAW where Maryse, Gail, and My Melina are over her in the depth chart. The reason it’s working so well on SD is that they’ve booked her really strongly over the last month, even in non-matches and even in losses. I mean, sure, she took a GTS and was eliminated almost immediately in the Rumble, but the fact she was there at all makes her way stronger than any of the other divas here.

Didn’t Chyna once enter the Rumble? Or am I misremembering and this really is a WWE first? Huh.

Anyway, tonight’s episode of SD was much like RAW: by itself, it wasn’t especially thrilling or exciting, but it definitely is Sustainable Episodic TV. We have the setup for the PPV, and still plenty of time for all six of the Elimination Chamber to jockey for position and screw with each other. And outside of that six-man circle is Edge, who cut a damn good promo and is quickly reminding everyone just why the hell he was the #1 or #2 guy on the brand (disregarding alignment) last year. Edge against pretty much anyone in the EC can result in some goodness, but any match he does against Jericho is more than likely going to blow the roof off whatever arena they happen to be in. Hopefully, WWE can keep it up through the PPV and into WrestleMania.

Rating (out of 5): 3.25