Do you all recommend any weak, flavorful drinks that aren’t too destructive to what vestiges remain of my masculinity? I tend to default to a Jack and Coke, but I wanted to try something new. I may get the ingredients for a White Russian, seeing as I’ve never tried one before. I’ll probably pick up some Mike’s Hard Lemonade for some guests I may or may not be having, but for the most part I want something a little bit harder than that. I just don’t want to get so blitzed that Mae Young starts looking like My Melina to me… and lord knows what that’ll do to my writing ability, but I know it’ll be a trip. If you do have any suggestions, you know how to e-mail me… just do it fast, because I’m planning on doing my grocery shopping tomorrow so I can reserve Sunday morning for my college test and Sunday night for wrestling.

And look at that! Past the ad box. So easy. I just know that Jesus Punk wouldn’t approve the message.

Segment 1: Degeneration X is here to defend their Unified Tag Titles tonight, and they’re out here to start the party early. Trips want to talk, but is interrupted by… Rey Mysterio?

Mysterio says that he totally respects Shawn… but that he doesn’t think the respect goes the other direction. Why? Because Shawn has stated he will win the Rumble and go on to face Undertaker at WrestleMania. Rey wants to know why he (Shawn) believes he (Rey) will lose. Shawn says that’s exactly what he thinks will happen.

Rey says fuck that, that he will defeat Taker which, by the way, neither of DX has been able to do. Shawn says, “What if you don’t make it to the Rumble?” Rey retaliates, “What if you don’t make it to the Rumble?” Crowd is hot.

And here comes Jesus Punk, Luke Gallows, and—much to Rick’s delight—is the hot-but-sadly-head-shaved chick from last week. The announcers call her Serena. And you know what, I have to give her props: her head is now showing the slightest of hair, and it’s making her look kinda like a bad ass. Huh. Still can’t wait for it to grow out though.

Anyway, Punk blathers that this group—called the Straightedge Society—will so totally be the next Unified Tag Team Champions. And that’s why he’s here with his disciples.

Trips responds that he has indeed been watching SmackDown, and that no one here gives a shit about Punk’s little crusade. Punk gets on his high horse of course and says that Trips doesn’t know anything about him. Trips replies in agreement: “You’re right, I don’t get it. You don’t smoke or drink, fine; neither do I, but I also don’t look like I was on a one-week crack binge with Amy Winehouse.” Uh… burn? The crowd thinks it’s funny, anyway. Trips also calls Serena “Brittney Spears” and says one of them smells bad. Man, my fellow Ohioans are easily amused.

Theodore Long pops out of the back to address this mess. He says that we’re changing up the card because of this mess. So, the Tag Title match is off. Instead, we’re going to see Rey face off against Shawn one-on-one, and Jesus vs. Trips one-on-one. Hm.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Triple H defeats CM Punk (w/ Straightedge Society) by disqualification. Damn fine match, but no high spots. Trips sent Shawn Michaels to the back before the match started, wanting to do it alone, which proved to be a mistake. Serena was the catalyst to the DQ, coming and doing a jumping hanging sleeper hold. Trips threw her off, though she managed to get in again.

Post-Segment 2: The assault continued, and Shawn didn’t materialize. That is, until they whipped out the clippers and were going to shave Trips’s head. Stephanie McMahon probably sent out Shawn at this point since she wouldn’t want to sleep with a bald man, and the two of them managed to quickly remove Luke Gallows from the equation. Punk then put Serena between himself and DX, then bailed; Serena seemed fine with this and gave DX a death look. Shawn then faked a Sweet Chin Music, making Serena retreat.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: R-Truth defeats Chris Jericho by pin. I’m not sure which is more surprising: that RT beat CJ at all, or that RT did it convincingly. I’m not saying RT is ready to be a main eventer nor that CJ has been demoted, but it was a pretty clean win.

No high spots but the match was pretty back-and-forth the whole time: this wasn’t the usual “heel beatdown followed by face comeback” formula. There was some great triple-reversey spots toward the end, capping off with CJ trying the Codebreaker. RT had his back to the ropes and quickly hooked his arms around the top one, saving himself from the attack. Jericho fell to his back, and Truth quickly grabbed his legs and flipped over for a successful bridging pin.

Segment 4: Josh Mathews interviews Batista in the back, who says that his strategy for winning the Royal Rumble is unchanged from last week. He was robbed of his belt and cheated out of his #1 contendership, so he’s going to just earn his way back by beating the shit out of everyone in the Rumble.

Pre-Segment 5: John Morrison is out for his match, but is here to talk first. He says, verbatim: “Unlike Drew McIntyre, I wasn’t chosen by the WWE brass and pedigreed into their corporate champion.” Was that a dig on Triple H or just a poor choice of words?

Anyway, JM tells a story that after DM won the belt, he “dropped the title on the floor to chest-bump your Irish buddy Sheamus.” JM is unhappy that DM disrespected the belt like that. But DM is used to having to deal with the rules of his corporate masters, and usually JM has to deal with those rules too… but tonight is no-DQ, so it all comes down to talent. “If you want to keep your title tonight, you’ll have to fight for it just like everyone else!” Well said, buddy.

Segment 5 [No-DQ / No-Countout Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Drew McIntyre defeats John Morrison by pin, and retains. Damn fine match and no outside interference.

Kendo sticks were introduced, as well as a couple inventive spots. One saw DM outside the ring near the barricade. JM went into the crowd, took a few steps, then ran and leapfrogged over the barricade and did a flying clothesline. Another stiff, painful-looking spot was a minute later when DM charged JM. JM countered with a hip toss, making DM land back-first on the edge of the steel steps. That had to hurt!

The match ended shortly after when JM tried the Starship Pain. DM countered this, then positioned JM near the IC title belt (which had been introduced as a weapon earlier). DM then hit his double underhook DDT finisher, planting JM’s face into the title. That was enough to keep him down for the pin.

Segment 6: Michelle McCool is out here to talk. She blathers that she ended Mickie’s career, or at least banished her from SmackDown forevers. We are treated to a lame video clip of last week’s food attack on Mickie with the absolutely adorable piggy cake. I love that thing.

Michelle blathers like an idiot, then declares an open challenge to any diva for her Women’s Championship. Let me guess: Beth Phoenix?

…Uh, no, it’s Mickie James’s music. Oh wait, it’s Layla wearing a fat suit and a pig nose. Goddamnit.

Things just get more retarded from there, and I refuse to recap the details of the rest of this out of principle. A “match” happens which Michelle “wins” of course.

Segment 7: Shawn Michaels is WALKING~! in the back and runs into Batista. Bats warns him to stay away from him during the Rumble, and Shawn responds that he’s always thought Bats was overrated. Bats starts to say, why wait till Sunday, maybe he should…

And here comes Trips, asking “You should what?” Bats backs off, letting Shawn get on with his business.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Shawn Michaels defeats Rey Mysterio by disqualification. Other than the finish, this was a great match, as has been the status quo tonight. Plenty of fun spots but nothing too crazy. At the end, Rey hit Shawn with the 619, but ate a Sweet Chin Music when he went for the West Coast Pop.

At that point, Batista hit the ring and Speared Shawn.

Post-Segment 8: Bats assaulted Rey too, then set up Shawn for the Batista Bomb. Trips came out to make the save, though when he clotheslined Bats over the rope, he went out too. Our last image was to see Shawn and Rey crawl toward each other—

Lights go out? Holy shit, I forgot about the Taker. When they come back on, Shawn and Rey crawl toward him. He gladly takes their throats in his hands, and issues a double chokeslam. Cue the lightning and fire!

Final Thoughts: This was one of the most wrestling-centric episodes in a long time, and it was great! Awesome matches, even from the unexpected R-Truth. The only blemish was the Michelle situation, and nothing is going to save it at this point. I really, really hate what they’re doing with Mickie… but there’s no use in me wasting my breath at this point.

Definitely a must-watch episode, and it feeds into the heat for the Royal Rumble even better than RAW did. Absolutely amazing: check it out on Hulu if you don’t have it DVRed.

Rating (out of 5): 3.75