Anyway, a few weeks ago, I ran out. Being lazy as hell, I decided not to buy any more, and instead just drank milk. And then it occurred to me about that little factoid that lack of soda can lead to weight loss. Hey, I’m not addicted to soda… maybe this is time to try it, says I! If it doesn’t work, no big deal; if it works but doesn’t work as well as advertised, I can always pick up the habit again. It’s not like soda is in any sort of low supply.

After two weeks, I found out that I’d lost seven pounds. While seven pounds is still not significant (although Seven Pounds was pretty cool), considering that all dropped in a mere two weeks when I actually ate WORSE than I normally do (damn you Taco Bell and your volcano tacos!), I became intrigued. It’s no secret that I don’t exactly eat or drink healthily, and I sure as hell don’t get enough vitamins and blah blah blah, so maybe I should extend the experiment…?

So for the past week, I’ve switched entirely to orange juice, milk, or water. My eating habits are a bit better, since I can’t afford fast food every day. I’m no hippie, I still eat meat and some fatty foods, but my diet is more or less exactly what it was before I ran out of soda at the start of the year. I’m going to stay off it through the rest of January and see if my weight really is low enough to make me give it up for good. If I drop below 200 pounds just because I’ve been off soda, I’m going to shit a brick and keep my fridge well-stocked with OJ.

And hey, I’m not a total self-Nazi: I still drink soda if I go out to eat at a restaurant or in the mornings when I get into work. It’s not like soda is COMPLETELY cut out of my diet. But as far as drinking it at home, I simply don’t anymore, reducing my daily soda intake from about 2-3 liters per day down to two glasses on work days and zero on my days off. I guess it’s true what they say: the secret is in moderation. I bet Jesus Punk would be proud.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Finlay defeats Batista by disqualification. Match started all right but quickly degenerated into a brawl as expected. The fight went outside the ring, where Bats shoved his thumb into Finlay’s eye for a good 20 seconds. The ref tried to break it, warned Bats off, and finally DQed him.

After the match, Bats continued the assault on Finlay for about as long as the match itself lasted, then got a mic and said this would so totally happen at the Royal Rumble too.

Segment 2: Here comes Jesus Punk to save some other douche again. The short version…

• Punk and Luke Gallows are so totally going to beat DX next week for their titles because they’re straightedge.

• Punk will so totally win the Royal Rumble.

• We’re all addicted to OxyContin.

• …but Punk will save us because he’s better than us.

• Punk wants to touch someone.

• …and of course a hot chick jumps the barricade to be touched.

• Punk knows she’s addicted to cocaine and Southern Comfort.

• …and she plays along.

• Gallows sexually harasses her as she dumbly listens to Punk’s sermon.

• She accepts Punk as her savior and...

• …the show fades out to commercials just before the clippers touch her long, pretty hair.

Yeah, I’d do her. But she’s no Melina.

And I just saved you a good 10 minutes of your life by condensing it into a 30-second bulleted list. You’re welcome.

Segment 3 Segment 2 Continued: Goddamnit, they went to commercial, but this shit is still going on. He shaves her head, and she is no longer doable. I’m sorry, but I’ve got a thing for long hair, and even My Melina could keep me away from her by cutting her hair shorter than mine. Blech.

Punk blathers his conclusion. The whole goddamn segment took nearly 20 minutes. That is the real tragedy here.

…Well, and the fact they took a smoking hot girl and turned her into something that is unfit to ogle for even a nanosecond. And considering how much of a man-whore I am, that’s not an insignificant accomplishment.

…And more fucking commercials??? Sigh. It’s going to be one of those episodes today.

Pre-Segment 3: We were told as the show started that Vickie Guerrero booked a match of Drew McIntyre and Chris Jericho versus John Morrison in a handicap match. Well, as everyone comes out for that, Theodore Long pops out and says he’s overriding Vickie and making this a tag match, and out pops R-Truth.

Here’s the thing: since we never saw Vickie make this announcement, what was the fucking point of even bothering to make that part of the story? And further, why in the blue hell are we going to more fucking commercials??? Goddamnit, I hate WWE sometimes.

Let’s see, I’m going to back it up here. The official end of the Bats/Finlay match (when he got DQed) happened nearly forty minutes before the start of this tag match. Seriously: how fucked up is that? If you don’t understand why this is so mind-numbingly offensive, go watch TNA. Seriously, I’m starting to come around.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: R-Truth & John Morrison defeat Chris Jericho & Drew McIntyre by pin. Match was overlong but decent. Pure formula, no noteworthy spots. JM was in a very extended Face In Peril sequence, with Truth getting the call to be House of Fire. A spinning roundhouse kick from JM finished off Jericho, added to Truth’s rollup of him immediately afterward.

Segment 4: Layla and Michelle McCool are in the ring as we come back from commercial. Oh, and also in the ring is a buffet table. Oh god.

The heels blather that Mickie James will totally be off SmackDown forever after tonight, then point out all the pig-shaped food on the table. I have to admit, the pig-shaped cake is sorta cute.

Maria comes down and gets in the ring, calls the heels annoying, prattles without much point (but with literally a billion times more confidence than she’s ever done on the mic), and the heels call Maria underfed because Mickie keeps stealing her food.

This gets stupider as we go, and then Mickie herself comes out. Mickie calls them on being adolescent bitches who never got past the high school mentality, then calls herself hot (to the delight of everyone). Mickie says that all the ladies in the audience are real, and they’re all sexy. “I am the way God intended me to be, and I am proud of it.” Which is the rational view, that’s for goddamn sure.

Mickie stands her ground that their petty words or stupid buffet table are going to run her off. In fact, the only people who can run her off is the WWE fans, but they won’t because they love her. And everyone applauds.

The heels win the Slammy for Missing the Point, because they crack another couple alleged jokes. Mickie calls Michelle stupid for her poor performance on “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” (which I didn’t see), and that all this embarrassment will be reversed when Mickie embarrasses her at the Royal Rumble.

Mickie then throws the first punch, and we wind up with a two-on-two brawl… in the corners? That’s odd. Oh wait, here comes Beth Phoenix with a microphone, though she’s hauling ass to the ring. Once there, she throws down the mic, then looks around…

Beth then attacks Maria and chucks her out of the ring, then helps the heels beat Mickie down. The three-on-one makes short work of Mickie, and Michelle force-feeds her some of the pig-shaped cake. Michelle then dumps a punch bowl on Mickie’s head too, and the heels have fun literally rubbing Mickie’s nose in it.

Mickie… goddamnit… Mickie then starts crying.

God. Fucking. Damnit.

You know, I thought they were onto something awesome with Mickie actually having a spine and standing up to them earlier, and declaring that their words meant nothing. But now? She reverses her own character only minutes later. What the fuck is wrong with WWE’s “Creative” Team? They’re not just schizophrenic between shows, and between segments, but also within the same fucking segment. Especially with the Divas, it seems.

This almost makes me want to cry. What in the world has happened to professional wrestling?

Segment 5 [Tag Match]: Cryme Tyme and Mike Knox & Charlie Haas wrestle to a no contest. Five seconds into the match, Kane comes down and assaults everyone, “eliminating” Shad and Knox simultaneously over the top rope. Because he’s so totally going to win the Royal Rumble.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Matt Hardy & Khali (w/ Translator) defeat The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) by pin. Match was short and rather interesting. Matt did all the work. At the end, Tyson Kidd sent Natalya over to Khali to distract him with her, uh, Canadian Mounties. This succeeded: Khali got off the apron and stared down her top as I’m sure I would. I mean, as I’m sure anyone would.

Predictably, inside the ring, Matt got into trouble DH Smith tried to set him up for the Super Hart Attack… but Kidd slipped off the top rope and landed on the apron. At first I thought it was a blown spot, but as soon as that happened, Matt shoved Smith, who crashed into Kidd and sent him flying. As Smith rebounded, Matt quickly rolled him up and got the pin. Huh.

Segment 7: Rey Mysterio comes out to call out the Undertaker. This has also been a hyped segment all night, and no one seems to give a shit at the moment. Rey attempts to explain just why he’d call out Taker: he says he wants to because Taker is the champ. Yeah, that sure answered the question, didn’t it? Fuck you, WWE.

Taker pops out presently and heads to the ring in his idiom. Taker asks if Rey is having second thoughts now that he’s actually here. Rey admits he does, but also promises that he has no fear. He says that the last time they fought, he had Taker on the ropes… and this time, there will be no Batista to make a pin. Rey promises that if Shawn wants Taker at WrestleMania, fine, but Taker will not be the champion then.

Taker says that Rey’s declaration is… bold, especially for his size. Still, Taker admits that Rey has done the impossible, built his career on it, and has done some damn good things in his past. However, no wrestler can outrun “the grave” and Rey is digging his own by trying to face him. Rey will rest… in… peace. Sorry, buddy.

Taker leaves the ring and heads up the ramp. Rey calls him back, but the music doesn’t even stop. Well, it eventually does, when Taker stops as well on the stage. Rey promises that he is not like the rest of Taker’s opponents.

And before Rey can say more, Batista comes in from Rey’s back and kicks his ass, including planting a Batista Bomb. Taker heads to the ring too, but Bats runs away and leaves through the crowd before anything can happen. Taker gives him a dirty look, but then rolls his eyes and leaves. At the top of the stage, Taker gives one last look to Rey, does his Fist Raise of Righteousness, and we’re done.

Final Thoughts: The main event angle was pretty much the only thing that saved this one from the absolute shitter. The rest of the show was just plain awful.

This is one of those situations where I can understand WWE’s intentions but simultaneously reject it for calling them pussies. The truth is that tonight, a charity concert was televised at 8pm Eastern (the start time for SmackDown) in order to raise money for Haiti. For me, this meant that SmackDown was preempted and was shown at 11:35pm. I am told that someone else in my area who did not have it preempted also doesn’t have Dish Network like I do.

Anyway, my point is that WWE probably realized that they would have a small audience this week, and so half-assed it with nothing but throwaway matches and “we’re not even trying” promos. I can understand and appreciate the want not to do more work than necessary, especially when it will not be seen by most of your fans for that one instance.

But on the other hand, I expect a certain level of professionalism from a multi-fucking-million dollar company. WWE has plenty of talent on the roster, and I’m not talking about guys who can cut a promo. The solution to this problem is not two decent matches and two non-matches bookended by useless promos with inconsistency among past segments and within themselves. The solution is to put on some matches like watching WWE Superstars, matches that are interesting and unique but also exciting. It’s not that hard, WWE: you didn’t blow your whole roster load on Morrison et al. Hell, the mere fact that Charlie Haas and Kane shared a ring but only did so for a combined 11 seconds tells you that you fucked something up somewhere.

And seriously: don’t get me started on all things concerning Mickie. I will comment that Maria has improved her mic work a million times; I blame a lack of material rather than her for her somewhat nonsensical and redundant ranting, but her delivery and confidence in talking were absolutely amazing. She actually showed up Michelle and Layla in that segment when it came to believing in what she was talking about. I’ll give credit where it’s due.

I got nothing else, folks. Skip this piece of shit and hope next week goes better. It earns my all-time worst rating since I started even doing these ratings in the first place.

Rating (out of 5): 0.7