Yes, that’s right: it’s Mafia Wars, the newest sensation that is sweeping Facebook and MySpace and have been since 2008. How bizarre that a frickin’ social networking game has garnered enough attention that a guide will actually be useful to people?

Now, I personally have no friggin’ clue what I’m doing, so if you’re a Mafia Wars player and can offer me a few newbie tips, please e-mail me and let me know. Who knows, I might be able to mention your contributions in the guide! I figure I’ll start on it in full tomorrow (Saturday) after I get done with school assignments, and hopefully get the guide banged out within two weeks. Hey, Wal-Mart cut my hours and My Melina still hasn’t responded to my request for her phone number and address, so I’ve got nothing better to do.

You broke my heart, Fredo… you broke my heart.

Pre-Segment 1: Chris Jericho is out to talk, or attempt to. He’s sporting a big bulge on his face where Mike Tyson punched him at the end of RAW. (Is that make-up or real? Would Tyson throw a real punch? Hm… would Tyson not throw a real punch?) Jericho talks well enough that he’s the best in the world at blah blah blah and he’s not going anywhere no matter how many cheap shots he takes!

Oh, and CJ is so totally going to win the Royal Rumble, and win the World Heavyweight Championship (or the WWE Championship, I guess) at WrestleMania 26. Oh, and we’re all tape worms. Jerk.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Chris Jericho defeats John Morrison by pin. Damn fine match. No high spots, but plenty of technical and flippy action that both guys are so damn good at.

At the end, CJ locked on the Walls of Jericho. Drew decided at that moment to taunt JM, which actually surged JM’s adrenaline to get to the ropes. However, once the hold was broken, JM still looked at DM for a moment. When JM turned back around to address his opponent, CJ got him with a Codebreaker.

After the match, Drew got in the ring and stepped on JM’s face, then left. At least he didn’t hurt the abs.

Segment 2: It’s time for Jesus Punk and Luke Gallows to, yawn, save another person from the arena. I’m going shorthand this segment from now on…

• Video recap of last week’s “saving”

• Verbal recap of last week’s “saving”

• We’re all addicted to meth

• Punk is possibly sexually attracted to Gallows

• Punk is definitely sexually attracted to Gallows

• Gallows proves that in his new character, he has less speaking talent than as Festus

• We’re all addicted to crack

• Punk will so totally win the Royal Rumble

• Some black dude—who arguably has a girl’s fro—gets picked to be saved

• Punk talks about something… my cat puking up a hairball was more interesting, so I missed this part, sorry

• We’re all addicted to rat poison

• Black dude is totally into this and wants to be saved

• Black dude gets his girl fro shaved (while having the exact face expression as getting a blowjob from Gallows)

• Black dude celebrates being shaved; Gallows points to his pit stain

There, I just saved you 15 minutes. You’re welcome.

Segment 3 [Fatal 4-Way Tag Match, winner is #1 contender team for WWE Unified Tag Titles]: Luke Gallows & Jesus Punk defeat Cryme Tyme by pin, outlasting The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) and Matt Hardy & Khali (w/ Translator). Goddamn, that’s the longest “match header” I’ve ever typed.

Match was all right but the inherent stupidity of the Fatal 4-Way Tag Match rules lends itself to idiocy in the ring. After the prerequisite Pier Eight Brawl, Gallows hit JTG with the “12 Step Program,” basically a two-handed chokeslam, followed by a missionary position pinning situation.

After the match, Black Dude from before came in the ring to help them celebrate. Woo hoo, get the non-alcoholic booze!

Segment 4: Josh Mathews interviews Batista in the back, who says “I have nothing to say.” Riveting TV, that.

Segment 5: Undertaker’s music starts. Will it be him, or just another week of Gay Spooky?

Nope, the Deadman himself pops out of the back in short order, walking through fire and smoke to head to the ring. He wishes us a happy new year (sorta), then goes on about how awesome he is in his unique Undertaker way.

Taker says that last week, Rey Mysterio and Bats got a “warning.” See, he doesn’t care who wins, that they will both experience tremendous terror and pants-wetting pain when they face him at the Rumble.

Oh, and, by the way, speaking of huge events, let’s talk about WrestleMania 26 and The Streak. The only one who has ever requested for a rematch is, of course, Shawn Michaels. Taker admits that no one came closer to breaking The Streak than he… But what the fuck is up with calling him out on RAW? So mean of Shawn… so Taker will give him his answer personally on RAW. And all of a sudden, dealing with Napoleon Dynamite doesn’t seem so painful.

“And regardless of my decision, you will rest… in… peace…” Sweet ending. Go Taker!

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Mickie James defeats Beth Phoenix by disqualification. Match was a reverse squash. The ending was that Beth put MJ in the tree of woe and kicked the shit out of her, even beyond the ref’s five-count.

Post-Segment 6: Michelle McCool and Layla hit the ring. Beth considered them a moment, then just left. The heels beat on MJ. So sad. The punch line was Michelle doing the Faith Breaker.

Pre-Segment 7: Mathews interviews Dolph Ziggler in the back, who says he’ll totally beat Kane for the third time in a row. Oh, and he’ll so totally win the Royal Rumble.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Dolph Ziggler by pin. Another good match by these two, but still not amazingly entertaining or anything. I don’t think they can do better, but as long as they don’t do worse, I won’t complain. Match ended with a triple-reversey chokeslam.

Pre-Segment 8: As Rey comes from his locker room before his match, and after a few random people give him some messages of good luck, Mathews interviews him. Rey says that he has a dream, a dream to be World Champion, and that dream will get him through the cage match… or something.

Segment 8 [Singles Cage Match, winner is #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Title]: Rey Mysterio defeats Batista by cage escape. Really? I figured this would end with some double-finish or something.

Match was decent but nothing special. No unusual high spots, though plenty of fun Rey-related escape teases and cage attacks. The ending saw Bats setting Rey up for a Batista Bomb, but he was too close to the cage. Rey scrambled up, then hopped over the top. Bats realized he was close to the door, asked for it to be opened, then went for it… but Rey was near the door too (just outside and higher), and kicked the door, causing it to smack Bats’s head. Bats flew backward, Rey dropped to the floor, and that was it.

Final Thoughts: A pretty lean show, really; only eight segments, and other than Jesus Punk’s saving of some douche, all the segments were quick and to the point. No complaints, but really, no sizzle to the show. Not bad if you’re used to this kind of show, but no real excitement if you’re used to RAW basically.

Rating (out of 5): 2.5