And Rey Mysterio’s music fires up. Alrighty. Rey pops out and throws down the gauntlet, calls Bats a bully, speaks in Spanglish about his heart, and finishes that the best way he can get back at Bats is to make sure Bats never gets to touch the belt again. Strong words, despite the retarded Spanglish.

T-Long is down for this, and officially books the match. T-Long also is sure to point out that this will be a regular wrestling match. And what the hell, he says: not only is the winner the #1 contender, he will take on the Undertaker next week on Christmas night for the title! Free TV title match, baby!

Segment 2 [6-Man Tag Match]: CM Punk, Luke Gallows, & Drew McIntyre defeat Matt Hardy, John Morrison, & R-Truth by pin. Decent match, nothing amazing, but watchable and fun. Pure formula.

One new inventive spot came from Gallows and Punk. After a tag, they each held one leg of JM and held him upside down. After a pregnant pause, Punk kicked JM’s stomach while Gallows simultaneously kicked JM’s back in the same relative spot, then basically unceremoniously dumped JM on his head. Damn!

Shortly thereafter, Matt got the hot tag, and we entered the end game. A Pier Six brawl broke down; during the powder outs, JM went to the top rope (Todd Grisham: “I wonder what’s on John Morrison’s mind?”), and Punk pulled him backwards off so he landed on his head (Matt Striker: “Canvas.”). As the ref tried to get JM out of the ring, Gallows handed Punk his Slammy Award trophy, which Punk smacked into Matt’s (SURGICALLY REPAIRED~!!!) stomach. Ref didn’t see it, Punk made the pin, and that was it.

Segment 3: Mickie James and Maria, after reading tips from my strategy guide on IGN Entertainment, are playing WWE SmackDown vs. RAW 2010, and so totally kicking the asses of virtual Michelle McCool and virtual Layla. Then, the TV turns off magically. Beth enters from stage left holding the plug of what has to be a surge protector, as she so totally doesn’t have time for fun and games. (She’s just pissy because the divas can’t be in a 6-person tag match, and she wasn’t invited to play with them.)

Beth cuts a promo that she wants to know why Maria, who won Diva of the Year, isn’t doing something more interesting than screwing around on an Xbox 360. (Because she read my strategy guide and can’t help herself?) Because when Beth won the award, she says, all she wanted to do was fight. Maria responds with something I can’t frankly remember even though it only happened 20 seconds ago. Beth responds that Maria should have fun with her little award and kick ass strategy guide, because they have a match tonight, and she’ll “make sure Maria’s return to SmackDown is short-lived.” Oh no, she di’n’t!

Segment 4: DX appears in the same pre-taped commercial they had on RAW.

Pre-Segment 5: Eric Escobar comes down for a match. Clearly, he’s supposed to be a face now, though the crowd has totally not bought it. He gives a stupid insult to Vickie Guerrero (who isn’t on-screen), and says that she totally can’t do anything to him that could be worse than being in a relationship with her.

And Vickie pops out of the back after all. She says she’s so totally offended… she remembers it’s his birthday today, so here’s his birthday gift.

BOOM! Hello, Kane.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Kane squashes Eric Escobar by pin. I refuse to recap squashes. EE really needs to just be demoted to ECW and cook a bit longer.

Post-Segment 5: Vickie gets in the ring after Kane leaves. She gives a truly terrifying witch’s evil laugh, then says that he totally should choose his words more wisely from now on when he addresses her. He takes the mic, admits he’s “talked his way into some brutal beatings,” and agrees to speak more clearly. After a moment, he says that the good news is that tomorrow, he’ll wake up, still standing but sore… and the bad news is that Vickie will wake up still looking like, ugh, that. Heh.

Yep. Clearly, EE is way better on the mic (even if his insults are as intense as a run through a garden of tulips and dandelions) than in the ring.

Pre-Segment 6: Here comes Chris Jericho to the ring, bringing is Slammy award through the ropes with him. He whines about being axed from RAW and the “legal loophole,” and that he is “the victim of the biggest screwjob in WWE history.” Hm, Bret Hart’s name is dropped on Monday, and this is said today… I wonder if this is foreshadowing or red herrings.

Y2J continues to whine and prattle how everyone in the universe gangs up on him and wants to see him lose. He’s also unhappy and scared (really) because his “best friend” and partner is on RAW, forcing Y2J to fend for himself. This is totally the worst moment of his life and career. However, he’s sure he’ll continue to dominate on SmackDown.

And that’s when Khali’s music starts up. Wuh-oh.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Khali (w/ Translator) squashes Chris Jericho by countout. Like I said, I refuse to recap squashes… well, other than to say for this one, Jericho just got his ass kicked, then left. Honestly, I don’t blame him.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) defeats Jimmy the Wang & Slam Master J by pin. It’s rather insulting for me to type “Slam Master J,” but I guess I gotta. Speaking of which: correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the first time he’s actually wrestled as Slam Master J? And really, what the fuck is up with this team: an Asian redneck and the guy who is the very definition of a wigger poser? The hell? If fan response is any indication, SMJ is bound to be “future endeavored” or demoted to ECW sooner than later.

Anyway, the match was meh. Hart Dynasty again proves they’re eons ahead of the rest of the roster when it comes to tag team chemistry and moves. I mean, seriously, they are frickin’ awesome in the ring, a treat to watch and harkening back to the days when tag team wrestling wasn’t such a joke. They had the Wang in peril most of the match, and SMJ got the hot tag. It looked like they would pull out the win, but Natalya got involved and yanked SMJ off the apron. That was enough of a distraction for everyone involved that, by the time SMJ got back in the ring, they did a kick ass finisher where DH Smith held him up in a spinebuster position whilst Tyson Kidd hit the ropes and did a jumping flying lariat. Sweetness. Wang-boy was unconscious outside the ring at this point, and the pin was academic.

Post-Segment 7: Seems Hart Dynasty isn’t done with us. Natalya announces that next week, we’re going to see Hart Dynasty will take on DX for the Unified Tag Titles. “It may be a DX Christmas, but we’re the ones who are going to get the presents.” Alrighty.

DH Smith and Tyson Kidd say they’re totally better than their fathers, and will be less intimidated than they ever were. Considering that one of their fathers is frickin’ British Bulldog, that’s certainly a way to get a little cheap heat.

Natalya has become my new #3 diva. There’s something about those pink streaks and tips that really do it for me. I don’t know what it is; I find it annoying and too “loud” when someone dyes their hair completely all of one unusual color, but a small streak or colored tips is kinda sexy.

Segment 8: Beth Phoenix is WALKING~! as she leaves her locker room decked out for her match. Michelle and Layla stop her, and wants to make sure they’re on the same page, since they all want to eliminate Mickie James and “that underfed redhead” (one of the most ironic statements Michelle has ever made in her entire life) from the brand.

Michelle and Layla continue prattling about how so totally fat Mickie is. Beth tenses when Michelle specifically says that Mickie is “built like a man.” Beth listens politely for a moment more, then rolls her eyes and says sarcastically, “Yeah, I’m sure that’s what the fans want to see… a big girl… shutting your big moth… in a big way…” Then she walks out.

Ladies and gentlemen: a tweener turn. I mean, sure, we’ve sensed this coming for a few weeks, but the tweener turn is absolutely complete. Might not be too much longer before a full face turn, you know?

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Beth Phoenix defeats Maria by pin. Almost a squash, Maria got in about two offensive moves. When Maria went for a victory roll at one point, Beth just kinda threw her off and made her land directly on her ass, which can’t do her tailbone any favors. After that move, Beth hit with the Fall of the Phoenix for the pin. The crowd, unsurprisingly, isn’t booing her.

Pre-Segment 10: We’re coming to our main event, and Bats has a really cool entrance effect. As he comes out, the house lights and ring lights are completely killed in favor of a single spotlight. “It’s all about me.” Very, very cool. In a day of overdone fireworks and entrance effects, I really, really like this one.

Segment 10 [Singles Match, winner is #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Title]: Rey Mysterio defeats Batista by pin. Match was above average, fun to watch, but didn’t feature any spots that are exceptionally noteworthy. The end of the match was tons of triple reversey fun; if this was any other night, when I didn’t have a billion things to do after the recap, I would go into more details about it. Seriously: check it out on Hulu, it was totally worth it.

Also if I didn’t have a billion things to do, I’d go into my final thoughts. Alas, I don’t have the time… sorry guys, going straight to my rating.

Rating (out of 5): 3.2