Just got Sling Blade in the mail, but I don’t have time to watch it tonight. I’ll probably get to it this weekend, seeing as I’m off school until Tuesday and off IGN Entertainment work for… uh… awhile longer. At least I finally got my latest strategy guide done.
 

Still, if I schedule things so I remove a few of the breaks I was planning on taking, I could have my degree at the very end of 2010… although that will merely add to my stress level once all is said and done, so I’m not sure if I want to take that yet.

I think I figured out what’s doing me in… just too much stress. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that my life is one big pile of suck. I’m just saying that, hey, everyone needs a vacation, you know? I haven’t had a solid week off EVERYTHING—OO, school, Wal-Mart, IGN, and other activities—since 2004. I’ve had vacations from each, but from everything at once. What I think I need more than anything is a nice one- or two-week vacation where I can completely recharge my batteries, get some releases to all this stupidness I’ve committed myself to, and then I’ll be a new man. I’m not sure I can feasibly arrange that, but it’s something to think about if the opportunity presents itself.

At least school will be relaxed. I get a break for Christmas soon, and as I said, IGN has me off for a few weeks to possibly a few months. Just removing those two stressors will do wonders for my attitude and health. Now if we can just convince the Midwest to stop being below 40 degrees every damn day, we’ll be in business. Let me know if you have a way to convince the weather to cooperate!

In the meantime, here’s SmackDown…

Segment 1: Batista’s out to start the show tonight. He’s got a street fight tonight against Rey… which probably means Undertaker will be out at some point since it’s no-DQ, but I’m probably jumping ahead.

Bats grabs a mic and starts to talk. He points out that he didn’t ask for the street fight tonight; he says Rey doesn’t deserve this rematch or even to be in the same ring as him, but what the hell.

Bats’s second point of getting a mic: he’s upset that the fans have turned against him since he’s started his quest to get the World Heavyweight Title. He doesn’t like being booed, per se, but he really doesn’t care about it. See, we can boo the shit out of him, but this isn’t about us; it’s about him and what he’s born to be: a champion. Sure, champion of jackassery, but whatever.

Bats goes on that he never needed Evolution, that they needed him; that he used them for their knowledge and expertise then moved on. Same thing: he never needed Rey, that Rey needed him, he needed “big brother Dave” to watch his back and protect him. Final point is that he never needed us, that he ignored our cheers and now he ignores our boos.

To belabor his point, Bats calls for a spotlight, which the truck monkeys oblige, drowning out the crowd in darkness. Bats says that this is what it’s all about, him being in the spotlight. “I’m not here to make friends: I’m here to make money and win titles.” He lists off that his walk, talk, strength, look, and power all insist that he’s championship material.

This brings him to the Undertaker. Bats insists that Taker isn’t as good as everyone says he is, that the assaults for the last two weeks have proven that. Bats says that Taker is now in fear of him, mostly because Taker has finally realized that he’s already lost, and that TLC’s match will just be a formality.

Good stuff, Batista. Keep that up, and you’ll be one of the new “SmackDown Six.”

Pre-Segment 2: CM Punk and Luke Gallows are out here for a tag match, but Punk needs to talk first. He says that it doesn’t surprise him how rapidly the Jeff Hardy DVD set is selling… but he’s upset that parents are buying it for Christmas presents (horror of horrors!). “This is probably the #1 stocking stuffer… you may as well be stuffing your child’s stocking with hallucinogenic mushrooms.” Bwa ha ha ha!

Punk concludes that watching the movie will make us like Jeff Hardy: good-for-nothing, unemployed junkies. Punk and Gallows stomp the DVD and break it as R-Truth and Matt Hardy pop out of the back. As Truth raps his way down to the ring, Matt opens a backpack and starts slinging copies of the DVD set to random people in the audience. Punk screams for fans to reject the gift since it’s poison, screaming this over the rapping, which is pretty amusing.

As Truth starts the “Houston, Texas… WHAT’S UP???,” Punk continues to prattle that this is just messing with young minds and poisoning the people. So Truth smacks Punk in the head with the mic. Heh, that whole sequence was pretty good.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Luke Gallows & CM Punk defeat Matt Hardy & R-Truth by pin. Good match, if formulaic. Truth played the Face in Peril, with Matt getting the hot tag and going House of Fire.

Right before the end game, Matt did a nice spot. Punk was on his ass in the corner, his arms above his head as he held the top rope. Matt went over and grabbed Punk’s ankles. Matt then pulled, trying to dislodge Punk from the corner. Punk held on, but couldn’t hold on forever, and his hands finally let go of the top rope. We’ve seen all that before, of course; the new part here was that Matt then re-gripped Punk’s legs as Punk came away from the corner, and turned it into a sitdown powerbomb. Very smooth!

After that came some triple-reversey stuff, ending with Punk being shoved into Gallows, which the ref declared was a legal (if blind) tag. Matt hit the Twist of Fate, but didn’t realize that Gallows could come in. Gallows did in fact come in, do a bicycle kick, then follow up with his finisher that he calls the “Gallow’s Pole” (a full-nelson spinebuster).

Segment 3: Eric Escobar and Vickie Guerrero are arguing the back. Theodore Long walks in. Some stupidity ensures, with Vickie getting to the point that he should go to the ring and face Chris Jericho. More arguing—in Spanish—before he agrees to it, since “anything would be better than looking at her face.” Heh.

Segment 4: Kane is WALKING~! and runs into Mike Knox. Knox says that after their match last week, Knox says they’re totally the same: they’re both monsters. Fighting him was totally enlightening, and he wants to do it again. Kane declares that they’re nothing alike because he is the only monster in WWE. But, Kane is game for the match, so he can beat Knox like he did last week.

Knox nods and says that Kane will be a broken monster tonight, but not to worry, because he won’t leave the arena alone: “I’ll be sure there’s an ambulance with you.” Kane responds by slapping his hand around Knox’s throat. Knox replies, through his teeth: “Did you know that the deprivation of oxygen through asphyxiation makes a wave of euphoria spread throughout the body?” Kane immediately releases the hold, looks up and down at Knox with disgust, and leaves to file his sexual harassment lawsuit.

Pre-Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Eric Escobar and Chris Jericho start their match, with EE showing a lot more than punchy-kicky. He gets Jericho on the ropes (figuratively), and then they’re interrupted by Vickie. She says that she’s changed her mind, and that this now a handicap match…

Segment 5 [2-on-1 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: JeriShow defeat Eric Escobar by submission. Match over pretty quick once Jericho tagged in Show, who did about four moves and put EE on the mat on his face. Jericho tagged back in, slapped on the Walls, and that was it.

Post-Segment 5: Jericho blathers after the match, putting JeriShow over and how they’ll totally remove DX from wrestling forever. Show continues the train of thought, telling DX (despite not being there) to look at their faces, burn them in their minds, so they remember who it was that ended DX’s legacy. Yawn.

Segment 6: Here comes Drew McIntyre, dressed in a silk shirt and slacks, definitely not ready to fight. He’s also got some sort of visual aid…

Drew gets to the ring and asks why Vince has signed him to a contract and promised him a title reign, but… and what Drew is holding is a copy of WWE Magazine, with John Morrison square in the center on the cover. Drew demands to know why, after Vince’s blessing, he is not on the cover, especially considering he beat JM last week.

Drew wants to know why the fans love JM first: is it because he’s American? Because he can do flippy stuff? Because he’s the IC champ? Well, Drew says, that last one won’t be true much longer… and the crowd fires up a “USA! USA!” chant. Idiots. Drew says that JM’s reign as champion is as farfetched as tales from his own country, such as the Loch Ness Monster or William Wallace’s portrayal in Braveheart. I saw the movie but I don’t get it; was Wallace not that brave or something? I should do some research and figure—

Oh, good god in heaven, now I know why Drew made that comment. Here comes Morrison dressed in a kilt, a leather baldric, a sword he bought from Toys R Us, and his face painted half-white and half-blue. Oh, and let’s not forget the wooden buckler that probably would have trouble stopping a Nerf gun let alone a real blade or arrow. God, I hate WWE, because you just know they think this is going to win over fans because Morrison is being “cute” or something.

Todd Grisham: “You know, everyone dies, but not every man has a chance to live.” And right now, I wish I wasn’t living through this.

Matt Striker: “This is why the fans love Morrison: his creativity and passion for the IC title.” Okay, “creativity” I can almost buy (aside from the fact that this is stupid), but the fuck does it have to do with his title? Just because it has the word “intercontinental” in it? I don’t see Undertaker dressing in a turban and praying to Allah just because his belt has word “world” in it.

Morrison asks how the hell Drew can make fun of William Wallace, doing so in a fantastic (no joke) Scottish accent. John says that the reason the people hate him is because no one can understand what he says.

Drew says that this kind of joking around will be bad for his health. John responds by inviting Drew to “blow his bagpipes.” (I think John Morrison and Mike Knox have spent entirely too much time together… either that, or they need to get together and leave us the hell alone.) Morrison then calls Drew a “lady,” and after a few stupid lines (although he hits a winner by saying that Drew has hung out in Speedos by Johnny Ace’s house), misquotes the movie again with “At TLC, you may take our lives, but you’ll never take our Intercontinental Title!”

Drew is tired of these shenanigans, including a cut that has magically appeared over John Morrison’s left eye at some point during this whole exchange despite no punches being thrown. I actually backed up the DVR to see what the hell happened… at one point, just before John calls him a “lady,” Drew gets in his face. John brings up the prop sword. Drew, I think, actually smacks it with his head accidentally, and the sword in turn catches John just above the eye… and then the cut appears. So, let me get this straight… Our Intercontinental Champion has come down with a ridiculous prop, and manages to hurt himself with it, to the point where he probably kept the vision in his left eye by about a quarter-inch. Brilliant, Ab Man, just brilliant.

Anyway, Drew asks Morrison to drop the sword. Morrison does so just because he remembered his mommy doesn’t want him playing with sharp objects. Morrison then has an actual good line, that he wants to know why Drew walks around like a king just because he got an endorsement “from a senile old man.” Heh. Morrison finishes that he gets his endorsement from the people, who are all that matter.

A few punches are thrown, with Morrison getting an upper hand by doing a single leg takedown. Drew takes that opportunity to retreat from the ring, and even hops the barricade to run away. Morrison’s music plays the segment off… with the camera guy doing his damndest to keep the cut out of view.

Well, that was entertaining. I still like Drew better between the two, but it’s not like I hate Morrison or anything. Morrison’s stupidity with his sword aside, it was a good promo and fuels the fire for Sunday.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Mike Knox by pin. Match was all right but nothing special, pretty much identical to last week. Mostly a punchy-kicky affair, nothing amazing.

Halfway through the match, Referee McDoucher slid to make a count, and wound up sliding the whole way out of the ring, slapping the apron to get to two. This was one of the things he did years ago to make me call him Referee McDoucher in the first place. Amazingly, the commentators (Striker specifically) was able to cover this up by simply saying “The size of these two competitors forced him to go to the floor to make the count!” It was a good cover up, but it still annoys me to see it. At least this is his first reffing “mistake” in, like, eight months of WWE TV, which is more than forgivable (as if my opinion matters). Hey, if I can forgive a champion cutting himself above the eye with a frickin’ sword because he doesn’t know how to properly hold it, why shouldn’t I be able to forgive a reffing snafu?

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Mickie James & Maria defeat Layla & Michelle McCool by pin. Meh. Other than Layla looking smoking, not a whole lot was going on here… it was pure formula, time-compressed. Maria has shown some improvement in the ring, doing her moves much stiffer; hopefully that’s a real improvement and not a one-week comeback. Match finish was weird, and I think edited, since Michelle would have had to go from ringside to the apron in literally a tenth of a second, but whatever. It ended with a rollup by Mickie on Layla.

Segment 9 [Singles Street Fight]: Batista defeats Rey Mysterio by pin. Match was lame. It was pretty exciting at first, while Rey had the afterburners on. After a commercial, Bats took over, and of course slowed things down. Rey had a couple hope spots but a single chair shot ended that.

After the match, Bats put the chair around Rey’s throat, then got to the second rope. Predictably, that’s when Taker appeared. Also predictably, Bats tried to fight anyway. Also also predictably, Taker got the upper hand and grabbed the chair. Also also also predictably, Bats bailed before anything could happen.

Final Thoughts: The first hour was pretty entertaining. Morrison’s outfit may have been stupid, but I get his appeal, and he’s got the general charisma to make it work… plus his Scottish accent was spot-on, which actually would have been a deal-breaker if he failed at it. Even Punk had enough newness in his promo that he didn’t bore me to death. I’d give the first hour a 3.0.

The second hour was much less entertaining. Business as usual, again. Everything about the main event, including the post-match angle, was so paint-by-numbers that it was just… well… predictable. I mean, I have no words for it: I wasn’t really bored but you just knew that this was exactly how things were going to go down. Meh, very much meh. I’d give the second hour a 2.0.

So, for the overall rating, I guess I’ll split the difference…

Rating (out of 5): 2.5