Did I watch any movies since Monday? Uh… no, not really. I’ve used Netflix’s wonderful Instant Watching of some TV shows to discover the awesomeness that is “Penn & Teller’s Bullshit,” which is a fascinating show to watch even if you don’t agree with what they say. I like how they actually get serious now and then, conceding points or praising an interviewee for their mindset even if it fundamentally disagrees with their own. I always believed that one sign where you’re holding an intellectual discussion is one where you can discuss or debate something you deeply believe while also being open to learning from the opposition’s point of view. For the most part, Penn and Teller are willing to do that… until they start attacking the absolutely absurd, like the idea that new age medicine actually helps in any way other than from a placebo effect.

To the two OO readers who recommended Billy Bob Thorton movies, I’ve added them to my queue and will watch them sometime soon. I have to reorder my queue now that the possibly future Mrs. Falkon has gone home and I can avoid girly and children’s crap with a clear conscience. And have as much violence and nudity as I want!

That’s later though. Right now, it’s SmackDown time.

Segment 1: Chris Jericho is out here to cut a promo against DX. He’s here to also try to convince us that the TLC is the most dangerous type of match, though they try to make this argument against pretty much every rare gimmick match WWE has. CJ does have something more relevant to say, expressing that we’ve only had 8 TLC matches ever, and he’s been in a lot of them, and won a bunch too.

CJ insists that he is awesome, and Theodore Long should kowtow to his every whim, including being placed in a #1 contender’s match. That brings T-Long himself out, who actually agrees to giving CJ what he wants… well, sort of: he books a match of CJ vs. Undertaker, again, in a non-title match.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) defeat Cryme Tyme by pin. Meh.

Segment 3: T-Long is in his office, and is come upon by John Morrison. They blather, and it comes down to Morrison wanting a match with one of his opponents from Survivor Series. T-Long starts to give him his idea, but then Vickie Guerrero appears with Eric Escobar. Vickie wants Eric to face Morrison; Morrison is game for that, but T-Long argues that EE hasn’t earned it. EE and JM start to get into a verbal fight about who is sexier (seriously), and finally T-Long concedes to give EE a shot for JM’s title tonight.

Pre-Segment 4: CM Punk is coming out with some… uh… reject from every gay bar in America, wearing camo pants, a gay leather vest (unbuttoned of course), a plain black tank top, and a wool cap despite being inside the arena. Oh, and Punk is holding a paper bag. I’m sure this will be intellectually stimulating.

Punk blathers that he’s on a crusade… and he introduces us to Luke Gallows. “Some of you may recognize him as Festus.” WAIT… WHAT THE FUCK??? Holy shit, I wouldn’t have recognized him!

Anyway, the point is that Festus/Gallows was enabling him to be a tragic drug and alcohol abuser, but “that’s a lifetime ago.” So his idiocy from before as his “Festus” gimmick was drug- and Jack Daniels-induced? You’d think WWE’s wellness program would have picked up on all that.

Punk goes on that in this bag is an over-the-counter drug that will be the death of us all. He reveals… the Jeff Hardy DVD set. Fuck. This. Shit.

More blathering, and finally Matt Hardy comes down to the ring to defend his brother. They go back and forth in over-written dreck that, really, we’ve heard a hundred times before between Punk and Jeff, with Matt basically challenging Jeff’s thoughts, or something. It’s stupid, but thankfully short.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Matt Hardy defeats CM Punk (w/ Luke Gallows) by disqualification. Match was short with nothing really fancy or major. Match ended when Matt got on a tear, so Luke Gallows reverse-guillotined him on the top rope.

After the match, Gallows continued the assault, then held Matt for a Punk-delivered cheap shot of a running knee. During this whole thing, Gallows’s hat falls off, and his head is shaved. Seriously, it looks like he took the hair on his head and relocated it to his mouth in goatee form… he still looks nothing like Festus. No idea it was the same guy.

Anyway… eventually, LG gets the final move. It’s like a full nelson, but from the front… like he crossed Matt’s arms and bearhugged him, sort of. After he held that as a submission for a bit, LG slammed Matt down spine-first on the mat. Boo?

Is this a “turn” for LG? Was Festus ever a face? Or doesn’t this count since he’s a different character? And he’s on SD now? What the hell is going to happen when Luke Gallows meets Slam Master Jeezy? And does anyone even fucking care?

No. No one does. I hate you, WWE.

Segment 5: Josh Mathews interviews Mickie James in the back, who grows some semblance of spine by saying “fuck the pranks and the silly insults, because I’m totally going rock here on SmackDown.” Okay, some damage from the character assassination of last week has been smoothed over… now if they just let this whole thing die and basically say Mickie had a one-off bit of insanity, then all is right with the world.

Segment 6 [Singles Match, winner is #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Title]: Batista defeats Kane by countout. For as much drama as they wanted to do here, it comes down to power-versus-power, and neither exactly has ever shown an incredible amount of flash. The fun came in the end game, with plenty of triple-reversey spots in which no one could hit their finisher all that well (though Kane did get a chokeslam in).

Shortly thereafter, the fight spilled outside. Bats went for an Irish Whip into the barricade, but Kane reversed it, sending Bats into the timekeeper’s area. As Kane went around the little mini barricade to follow up, Bats smashed Kane’s knee with a chair. The ref didn’t see this as the mini barricade blocked his view. Bats then immediately ran into the ring, and managed to beat the 10-count.

Segment 7 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: John Morrison defeats Eric Escobar (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin, and retains. Meh. Match was entertaining, but only from JM: EE showed nothing but his basic punchy-kicky shit as usual. Match ended with the Starship Pain.

Post-Segment 7: Vickie and EE are in the ring. Vickie yells and shrieks like a banshee, bitching EE out for failing miserably, acting way the hell more like a pig than Mickie ever has or ever will. Vickie eventually slaps EE, then storms out. Uh oh.

Segment 8: After a commercial, EE catches up to Vickie in the back. Vickie tells him that he makes her sick; he replies that she makes him sick, and runs down the list of ways. “Every time I kiss you, I gotta wash my mouth with disinfectant.” Uh, wouldn’t that kill you, jackass? EE shows the personality of a… a… well, someone who has no personality. Like Randy Orton, circa “every year he’s been in WWE.”

EE leaves, Vickie seethes, I heave, all mostly at how little WWE’s “Creative” Team achieves, because they perceive, us to be naïve, you better believe. They should grant us a reprieve, from plots they can’t interweave, and should be subjected to receive, letters of all our peeves, as we have better stories up our sleeves, ideas they can’t even conceive.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Undertaker defeats Chris Jericho by disqualification. Taker and CJ showed decent chemistry like last week, but the match wasn’t anything special nor anything to write home about (other than an absolutely shitty bulldog that Taker took). Match ended when Taker hit CJ with a chokeslam out of nowhere, followed by Taker setting up the Tombstone, followed by Bats running in the ring and giving him a chop block.

After the match, Bats grabbed a chair and just beat the shit out of Taker, a good dozen or so chair shots. Matt Striker: “I’ve never seen Undertaker so dominated before!” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that fucking plot a hundred times already…

Final Thoughts: Lame, lame, lame. I was bored pretty much from beginning to end. As usual, WWE didn’t do anything grossly wrong (other than allowing Vickie to talk), but it was all boring and didn’t really accomplish much in the way of stories. Any commentary I can think of, I’ve already said in the recap, so I shan’t continue any longer.

My two hours I wish to retrieve.

Rating (out of 5): 2.0