Actually, maybe I won’t have much time… I’ve got an early copy of The Sims: World Adventures, because I’m the best guide writer and The Sims reviewer on the planet. And IGN Entertainment loves me. So I guess my weekend of Borderlands fun will have to wait on school assignments and leading my little Sims into terrible situations where I try to cause them as much misery as possible. I’m cruel like that: if I could virtually poke their little tongues with a fork, I’d totally do it for hours straight.

Okay, past the ad box. To SmackDown!

Pre-Segment 1: CM Punk is out to start the show, and he talks first. He gets some cheap heat against England, how they’ve lost their stature as a great empire due to their “pints of ale” and “fancy cigarettes and strong cigars.” He is, apparently, absolutely perfect in every way as well.

He prattles, and eventually gets to saying that he’s filed a formal complaint with the WWE Board due to Scott Armstrong’s fast count that cost him the match against R-Truth last week. Tonight, it’s a rematch against R-Truth, and he’ll so totally beat him up easily, just he can so totally beat up all the Brits easily as well.

R-Truth pops out then, raps his way down to the ring, and tells Punk that he can totally file complaints to the Board anytime, which is cool. Truth wants to file a complaint too: “I’m going to complain that YOU are impersonating a man!” Maybe Truth has confused CM Punk with Matt Hardy and his new man-boobies?

Truth keeps talking, and it’s all stupid. Not worth reporting on.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: CM Punk defeats R-Truth by pin. Match was all right but nothing special. Other than a wicked, theatrical submission hold placed on Truth that I can’t describe accurately, nothing really interesting was going on. Match ended dirtily, with Punk using the ropes as leverage to make the pin.

Segment 2: A short cut scene has Layla finding Mickie James in the back. They prattle for like ten seconds, nothing worth really mentioning.

Wait, I take that back. One thing worth mentioning was a diva in the background—I think it was Michelle McCool—who peaked around a door and saw that the cameras were rolling. After hesitating a split-second, she decided to trot into the divas locker room, from which Mickie just exited. I wonder if that’s supposed to be a subtle storyline implication or just an “Oh shit, I didn’t realize you were taping that here!” moment.

Wait, again… on further reflection (and rewinding it for clues), you see Michelle peaking through the door’s window first, then around the door proper, then hesitating, then scurrying into the divas’ locker room. Sneaky little shrew! I wonder what she’s up to…?

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Natalya defeats Mickie James by submission. Match was lame. It ended with… well, now we see why Michelle was being Sneaky McSneakerton, but it’s pretty fucking stupid. She apparently went into the locker room after Mickie left to steal her clothes. As Mickie was distracted by the heels cutting up her trashy top and stupid pants, Natalya attacked Mickie and locked her in the Sharpshooter.

After the match, Mickie stayed on the mat, looking at the heels and starting to cry over the loss of her clothes. And then, Layla sniffed Mickie’s stolen boots… what is she, a female Quagmire? Anyway, Matt Striker assures us that this defines “making Mickie’s life a living hell,” since Mickie is so totally poor and can’t afford a new outfit.

Segment 4: Josh Mathews interviews John Morrison in the back, who says that he’ll so totally beat Dolph Ziggler tonight… but he does so in an Ultimate Warrior-quality promo, and that’s not really a compliment.

Pre-Segment 5: Drew McIntyre is out here and says that last week, he left Finlay alone post-match rather than totally kicking his ass. But, Drew says, he’s thought better of it, since Finlay “loves to fight,” and Drew wants to make a statement and impact in WWE, blah blah blah.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Drew McIntyre and Finlay wrestle to a double-disqualification. Uh… really? Well that was fucking stupid… the match ended because they were… let me get this straight… throwing too many punches at each other? So they were both disqualified? What the fuck happened to the Attitude Era of WWE? God I hate 2009.

After the match, Finlay pulled his shillelagh out of his ass. Drew kicked him in the face, stole it, smacked him in the face with it, then left… then came back and smacked him in the chest with it before leaving again. Whatever.

After that, they showed Finlay surrounded by refs and an EMT or something, sorta doing a not-quite-stretcher job. Again: whatever. The smattering of applause showed that the fans, clearly, did not give a shit.

Segment 6: We’ve got a contract signing segment between Batista and Rey Mysterio. As usual, I never recap this shit, other than the highlights, since they always go down damn near the same way.

The specialness here is that Bats wanted Rey to sign a waiver so no one, including WWE, could be sued for what he’s going to do to him. After initially hesitating, Rey signed it, then flipped the table in Bats’s face and bailed from the ring.

There, I summed up a good seven minutes in two sentences. Move along.

Segment 7 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: John Morrison and Dolph Ziggler wrestle to a double countout, but John Morrison retains. Really? First a double-DQ and now a double-countout? I really hate 2009.

Match was decent but not nearly as cool as the announcers wanted us to believe. The match ended when both guys were on the top rope, and JM punched DZ in the head. DZ fell back but grabbed JM’s tights in the process, taking him with him. DZ fell first and smacked his head into the barricade, and JM smacked his chin into the top of the barricade a few feet away. Neither man could answer the ten-count, though JM magically recovered after the official decision was handed down.

Sigh.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Beth Phoenix squashes Some Chick by pin. You know how I refuse to recap squashes? Well, the finisher here, I have to recap. You know how Randy Orton does that DDT that actually looks like it hurts, where he props the victim’s feet on the second rope before spiking his head down? Beth topped that: she put Some Chick into the Tree of Woe. Then, BP lifted SC’s head up and propped it on her shoulder. This gives us the position where SC’s feet on the top rope, her head is supported by BP, and her back is hanging perilously over the nothingness that is the mat. Then, BP just fell down, taking SC with her and doing one sick-ass neckbreaker.

(I digress: isn’t that basically what Diamond Dallas Page did in WCW? I mean, isn’t that BASICALLY the Diamond Cutter, except that the opponent “lies” face-down first, like it’s an extreme RKO? Regardless, it was badass.)

After that came the Flight of the Phoenix, and that was it. Nice finisher: I hope Beth keeps it.

Segment 9: Josh Mathews interviews Chris Jericho in the back, who reiterates that Undertaker is no “dead man,” that he’s “just a man,” that Taker is just all smoke and mirrors, and that Jericho will prove it by beating him tonight.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Undertaker defeats Chris Jericho by submission. I’ll admit I only half-watched this one… it just wasn’t that exciting to me, and I’m as big a freakin’ Undertaker mark there is in the world. Other than some nifty counters—Jericho countered Old School by jumping up on the ropes and doing a top rope arm drag off from there to the mat—it wasn’t much of a match, nothing we’ve not seen before. Match ended with the Hell’s Gate.

Post-Segment 10: After Jericho tapped and Taker’s music started, Big Show’s music fires up. Show comes out and gives Taker a chokeslam, then locks on the Colossal Clutch as Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho.

And then… BOOM! Kane’s pyro goes off! Holy shit, they’re turning Kane back to a face (or at least a tweener)! Show bails, Kane gives a big boot to Jericho, and…

And we cut to the back, where Vince McMahon is watching things. He calls up Theodore Long and makes the obvious tag team match for next week, which really will be pretty awesome. If anything can make me mark out more than the Undertaker himself, it’s seeing the Brothers of Destruction reunited.

Final Thoughts: One giant “meh.” I’ve got no comments: everything was either stupid or barely adequate. Like RAW, it seems this whole thing was a blow-off as a setup for next week… which, really, is usually the way it goes for overseas shows, isn’t it?

Next week on RAW, not only will Rowdy Roddy Piper be on to guest host, but we at OO have a little tiny surprise in store. Be sure you catch the RAW recap next week.

Later on, guys.

Rating (out of 5): 2.0