So when I got my e-mail today, Chris Benoit’s name jumped out at me. Adams was asked if, in the wake of the Benoit Incident, whether ‘roid rage was real. Adams answered, essentially, that it is, further explaining what, exactly, constitutes it. (I.e., ‘roid rage doesn’t just magically make someone violent, though it can make them irritable and more prone to a violent reaction to stimulus that wouldn’t normally have that effect.) And Adams, being the stand-up guy that he is, also blatantly says that the Benoit Incident specifically had nothing to do with steroids in the first place. It’s a decent read, and the link is thus:

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2904/is-roid-rage-real

…Check it out, if you have the time; won’t take more than five minutes, unless you decide to research the hell out of the topic on your own afterwards. In the meantime, let’s get to SmackDown: All You Need to Know!

Segment 1: Theodore Long is announced and presently hits the ring to open the show. He opens by saying Team SmackDown is totally the A-Show, which draws boos and groans. I’ll spare you the rest of his Bragging Rights-related dreck. He announces that we’re going to have the so totally exciting Heart-To-Heart Conversation (really) between Batista and Rey Mysterio so we can find out why the hell Bats turned on Rey.

T-Long starts to talk about Big Show tonight, given that he is the #1 contender for Undertaker’s World Heavyweight Title, but Chris Jericho then decides to hit the ring with his mic, retarded trophy, and a bad attitude. T-Long immediately pisses Jericho off by requisitioning the trophy for the whole of SD, causing Jericho to blather that he deserves the trophy because it was all his doing to earn it in the first place. And for that matter, that proves he should be #1 contender, not Big Show.

And that summons… Kane? The Big Red Machine wants to posit that because he was co-captain, he has earned that trophy just as much as Jericho. Further, he deserves the shot at Taker, given their history and all.

Jericho retorts that he made the winning pin at the Bragging Rights match, and that Kane’s record against Taker isn’t so rosy. Jericho orders Kane to get out, to which he responds by grabbing Jericho’s throat. T-Long manages to call him off, and says that if RAW gets a triple threat match for their top title, then so will SmackDown. Tonight, we’re going to have Kane vs. Jericho, and whoever wins will take on Big Show and Undertaker at Survivor Series.

Okay, let’s recap (I don’t normally recaps, but I don’t mind recapping my own recaps in the same recap): SD is doing what RAW is doing, and possibly down to the very same “two guys on a tag team vs. the champion,” so we’ll have identical tension in both shows between team members. And further, we clearly know that Undertaker will lose the title but not the match, because they always do that to let Taker lose the belt to save face. So really, we can already call that a) the main events of Survivor Series, like the main events of Hell in a Cell, are going to suck via repetition; and b) Undertaker will definitely lose his match because he never manages to retain in triple threat matches as writers always use its convenience to get the belt off him, seeing as he’s a division killer.

If this is compelling TV, please e-mail me and explain it to me, because all this does is makes me droop my head lower that I still enjoy this friggin’ hobby…

Pre-Segment 2: John Morrison hits the ring for a match. Dolph Ziggler, his opponent, comes out presently and talks some shit that JM is the only man on the SD roster who lost at Bragging Rights, so this match will be so totally easy. JM replies that DZ has erectile dysfunction. So totally relevant.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats John Morrison by countout. Match was all right but nothing special. There was some neat triple-reversey stuff at the end, but the winning combination was a counter that made JM fall on the apron, then off it to ringside. DZ then followed up by picking up JM and slamming him face-first on the announce table, which was enough to knock him out. He couldn’t answer the ten-count, and DZ couldn’t be happier.

Segment 3: T-Long is in the back, admiring his trophy, and Vince McMahon appears but says nothing of consequence. CM Punk materializes, bitching that he should somehow be involved in this whole title mess, and that it’s all Scott Armstrong’s fault that he’s not. Vince agrees: he books a match tonight, Punk vs. Armstrong. Yeah, that’ll be interesting.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Beth Phoenix squashes Some Chick by pin. I refuse to recap squashes.

Pre-Segment 5: Vickie Guerrero pops out of the back wearing the most god-awful dress ever, calling herself “Princess” Vickie. She announces her “Prince Charming,” Eric Escobar. No point to that.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Matt Hardy defeats Eric Escobar (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by pin. Match was… well, pointless more than anything. EE had no move set, and no real story was told here. Match ended with a Twist of Fate out of nowhere.

Segment 6: Here comes Rey, dressed in street clothes (other than the mask, of course). Rey says that he still considers Bats his best friend, and is now just in a state of sadness. He considers Bats a member of his family, and is disappointed that this is the way things turned out, though he thinks that maybe it was all a misunderstanding, and maybe they can be friends again. So, come on out Bats, and let’s talk about it!

Bats indeed comes out presently, and they… talk. Basically it came down to Rey wanting to work things out, Bats throwing him out of the ring, and Rey saying no followed by wanting to work things out again. Meh. The crowd was fairly neutral until Rey said, “Remember how tight we were? How were upset about Eddie?” Bats replied: “Eddie’s dead, and this isn’t about him anyway.” Despite the truth of that, the crowd jumped on that one, though in general they weren’t thrilled about the whole promo.

I don’t know. It was supposed to be intense and emotional and honest, but it was just… boring. To me, anyway. Maybe you’ll get something more out of it.

Segment 7: In the back, Matt Hardy runs into Bats. Matt tries to tell Bats that he made a mistake with Jeff, and wants to make up, that Bats should do the same with Rey before it’s too late. Bats just scoffs and leaves through a door. Matt just sighs and turns… so Bats comes back in and throws him head-first into a wall.

Segment 8: Drew McIntyre is out here to talk, wetting the possibly future Mrs. Falkon’s panties again. He blathers that he doesn’t care about being tossed from Team SmackDown because he wanted to make his own impact, without any help. So “the party is over” for his opponent.

…Who is Finlay. Not sure trash-talking him was the best idea.

So here comes Finlay, but Drew kicks him off the apron as he tries to get in the ring. From there, it’s a pure beatdown assault, including throwing him into the nearby steps.

Segment 9: Cryme Tyme is out here to host a diva Halloween costume contest. This is about as entertaining as it sounds. Mickie James wins, a brawl ensues, Michelle McCool gets the upper hand, and she beats the hell out of her. A giant waste of time.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: CM Punk squashes Scott Armstrong by pin. I refuse to recap squashes. Didn’t I already say that once tonight?

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Chris Jericho defeats Kane by pin. Match was decent but nothing special. The only high spot was the ending sequence. Kane was on the top rope to do a diving something-or-other, but Jericho ran up the ropes to meet him. Jericho tried a superplex, but Kane punched him away. Kane reset himself and went for a diving clothesline, but Jericho met him perfectly in midair and hit a Codebreaker out of nowhere.

Final Thoughts: …And that was it for the show. The match was all right, but it was a pretty anti-climactic way to end things, I think. Just a boring night overall, no stories really advanced… skip it, guys.

RATING (out of 5): 2.0