Segment 1: Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole insist that the show is going to be way better now that Grisham is off tonight from announcing duties. Heh.

Jericho is out first to hurt us with his annoying personality. He puts himself over (“My greatness is omnipotent!”), and puts over Team SmackDown. He does feel he needs to make a couple adjustments though, just to make sure they’re all totally on the same level of him… which Eric Escobar and Dolph Ziggler totally are, I’m sure.

Out comes JTG, who hypes up the team. Jericho asks where Shad is; JTG reports he’s sick. Jericho isn’t happy about that, and insists that Shad should be here anyway because it’s so totally an honor to be with Jericho under any condition.

JTG is about to respond, but Vickie Guerrero comes out to bother us with her personality. She introduces Eric Escobar, then leads him to the ring. EE displays negative personality, ripping off Goldust’s catchphrase that we’ll “all know the name of… Eric Escobar!” Douche.

Here comes Dolph to express he’s awesome, but JTG says that all Dolph is good for is losing his last four Intercontinental Championship matches and dumping the so totally hot Maria.

This summons Drew McIntyre, who wets the possibly future Mrs. Falkon’s panties by talking (she digs accents) the whole way down the ramp, saying he should be the captain of the team because he’s been personally endorsed by Vince McMahon.

As DM gets to the bottom of the ramp, Kane’s pyros go off. He gets in the ring presently, and tells the team that he doesn’t think any of them are worthy of fighting with the captains. Jericho agrees, and says that he was going to make a 5-on-5 tag match tonight like DX did on RAW. Because only four of them showed up (Shad’s absence that is), Jericho is going to make it a 4-on-5 handicap tag match. If one of the four get pinned, all five members of Team SmackDown gets replaced by this alternate team. My interest is piqued.

Segment 2 [4-on-5 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: Matt Hardy et al defeat JTG et al by pin. Match was all right, I guess. No high spots to speak of. The match ended thanks to Finlay smacking JTG with the shillelagh.

With this development, Team SmackDown is now comprised of Matt Hardy, Finlay, DH Smith, Tyson Kidd, and R-Truth. Hm… that seems more of a lateral move to me than any kind of improvement. Well, at least Eric Escobar and Dolph Ziggler aren’t on it anymore.

Segment 3: Scott Armstrong is complaining to CM Punk that his reputation is totally destroyed because everyone is talking about how he screwed the Undertaker. Punk responds that nobody cares—awfully truthful of him to say that—and Theodore Long presently materializes. Punk goes on that he wants the belt from Undertaker, so the ref needs to get his head in the game.

T-Long says that his life might be on the line because he doesn’t want Taker embalming him. Punk calls them both pussies, especially in light of the fact that they did the screw-over in the first place a few weeks ago. Scott follows up that his dad taught him that a man isn’t worth anything if he doesn’t have a good name or reputation, and he doesn’t care if he gets fired anymore, he doesn’t want to screw over Taker again.

Scott storms out of the office… and Vince comes right in. Vince merely tells Scott that they need to talk…

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: John Morrison defeats Mike Knox by pin. Match was decent but nothing special. Match ended with a Starship Pain.

After the match, JM talks a bit, hyping his match with Miz and expresses how hot he is to the cheer of girlish squeals. Ugh.

Segment 5: The new Team SmackDown is talking about how awesome things are. JeriKane walks up and establishes the ground rules that they’re so totally in charge. Unlike the in-fighting of both Team Raw and the former Team SmackDown, this new team all agree that they respect JeriKane and are on the same page: in wanting to prove that SD is so totally the best show.

Segment 6: Mae Young is here, chatting up Mickie James. Michelle McCool arrives and gets a bit catty with MJ, revolving around the fact that MJ didn’t make the cut to the diva Team SD. MJ says that we all know that she is the biggest threat to Michelle’s title, and as soon as she can, she’ll take the belt.

MJ leaves, and a new blond diva arrives… to insult Michelle? The fuck… wait, holy shit, that’s Beth Phoenix? Wearing a dress, no headband, and boobs that don’t fit into her outfit correctly? Whoa. Uh, rewinding to hear the conversation…

Okay, Beth basically reaffirms that she will take Michelle’s title, then leaves. Mae says: “She told you!” Michelle says: “Shut up, Mae!” Mae slaps her stiffly, but has the most stoic expression on her face during and after it… that was great!

Segment 7: Rey Mysterio and Batista are chatting in the locker room, hyping each other for their team and themselves for their chances at the Fatal Four-Way this Sunday.

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Batista & Rey Mysterio defeat JeriKane by pin. Match was decent but nothing special with no high spots. The ending sequence saw a Pier Four brawl, with the heels getting the better of it. As Kane signaled for a finishing Chokeslam, Rey came over and put his own throat in Kane’s hand essentially. Kane was happy to oblige, but the distraction allowed Bats to recover and give him a Spear.

Segment 9: In the office, Scott Armstrong has his head in his hands. Punk and Vince have great smiles, while T-Long looks guarded. Vince hypes the other three up and that he can feel a change in the air, that great change is coming soon.

Vince goes on a non sequitur about that WrestleMania is right around the corner, since we know this is so totally February. He does bring us around that WrestleMania also the Hall of Fame induction is around then, and Scott’s dad (a wrestler) may have a Hall of Fame bid this year. “May,” Vince stresses. Jerk.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Mickie James defeats Layla by pin. Match was bland. Mickie won with a roundhouse kick.

Segment 11: A replay of the video tribute to Captain Lou Albano. Check it out if you didn’t see it on RAW or YouTube.

Pre-Segment 12: Time for the submission match rematch. CM Punk comes out first, leading T-Long and Scott Armstrong. Punk talks his way down the ramp, that he’s absolutely better than all of us, that it’s empowering that he could inflict tons of pain on all of us due to his straightedge lifestyle. That still pales in comparison however to the fact that he’ll totally make the Undertaker tap out for the second time.

Punk says that he knows we’re all holding out the hope that Undertaker will make him tap, but he can’t. “Trust me, he can’t… and he won’t” with a purposeful look at Scott Armstrong. He says the best part of it is that we can’t do anything about it. Jerk.

Segment 12 [Singles Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title]: Undertaker defeats CM Punk by submission, and retains. Match was decent, but really I had this storyline advancement called from last week. While everything conspired against Taker, things broke down when Punk ordered a chair from T-Long. He gave it to the ref, who gave it to Punk. When Punk tried to use it, Taker countered with a boot to the chair into Punk’s face.

Meanwhile, Taker decided that the ref’s sin of giving the chair to Punk was Chokeslam-worthy, then did his throat slash taunt to T-Long. T-Long shit his pants and ran toward the ramp. As Taker followed him with his eyes, he didn’t see Punk recover and pick up the chair. Punk used the weapon on Taker several times, laying him out, then locked in the Anaconda Vice.

Punk yelled for T-Long to get a new ref. T-Long signaled to the back, and Mike Chioda came out presently. Chioda slid in the ring and asked Taker if he wanted to tap. Taker responded by twisting his legs around and locking in the Hell’s Gate. Punk tapped out after about five seconds, and it was over.

T-Long hung his head, Scott Armstrong and Punk were both still recovering, and Taker did his reach up/stick out tongue taunt to close out the show.

Final Thoughts: Meh. Not a bad night, but nothing really clicked with me. About the only compelling thing going on was the change of Team SmackDown. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is a step up, rather than a pure lateral move, but the new team still doesn’t have nearly the star power or credibility that Team RAW does.

Of course, maybe that’s the point, because WWE tends to completely stack the deck one way just to pull it out from under the collective intelligence of wrestling fans. Maybe they think it’s compelling; I think it’s just their way of making us look like idiots, or that they think we look like idiots when we really don’t care. As it is, it certainly looks like Cena has been setup to leave RAW, and it looks like Team RAW will annihilate Team SmackDown. I have a feeling at least one of those events, possibly both, won’t come to pass in the interest of being “unexpected.”

Either way, I don’t care, because nothing in the universe could get me to buy a PPV with a friggin’ hour straight of Randy Orton doing a chinlock, short of The Rock doing a match while Melina and Gail Kim strut naked around ringside being on the same show. Woe be to Rick who will have to sit through Bragging Rights.

RATING (out of 5): 2.5