Okay, movies… I started the week with Be Kind Rewind, which was a little disappointing. Jack Black is one of my favorites, and the movie parodies he and Mos Def (an actor I’m starting to respect more that he probably deserves, especially after 16 Blocks) produce are pretty amusing. Still, the story as a whole was a little bland, though it was fun in a mindless way. Three stars out of five.
 

Second up was The Bucket List, which came recommended from one of my parents, though I don’t remember which. During the introduction monologue, I realized the uncomfortable thought that I could totally be gay for Morgan Freeman’s voice. Not Morgan Freeman himself, you understand, but his voice is such that he could have talked about his character’s bowel movements and still made it interesting. Anyway, the movie was decent, but nothing special… seeing Jack Nicholson act a little crazy is always a treat, though I’ve yet to see him in a movie where he DIDN’T act a little crazy. It was a touching story if a bit downplayed. Three stars out of five.

Third up was Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which was better than I thought it would be. Every character intended to be funny actually WAS, which is a change. I was mainly interested in it to see Mila Kunis outside a pure comedy role (“That 70s Show” and “Family Guy” being the main two I even know of that she’s done), and she definitely has depth as an actress; still, the rest of the cast—even though I don’t know who the hell 99% of them are—really brought some good material. I’ll never forget the drunken line “I wonder if the carpet matches the pubes,” though it comes across much better in action than in writing. About the only knock against it is that I saw way too much of the star’s penis for my comfort, but I guess that was the point… I’m a glutton for punishment I guess, and I suppose I deserve it after all the terrible things I say about Melina on a weekly basis. Anyway, Forgetting Sarah Marshall gets four stars from me.

Finally, there is Iron Man. I was told from a coworker that Iron Man was the best superhero movie ever, even surpassing Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, which I found hard to believe. Then, I saw it, and my god, I should probably go buy it. Robert Downy Jr. is absolutely stellar as Tony Stark, and he’s got the wise-ass timing and attitude to pull off the role as a douche you just want to cheer for. For those more familiar with the comic: was Downy’s portrayal of Stark accurate to canon? The only comic book familiarity I have with Iron Man (he was never one of my favorites) is from the Civil War series, and the whole attitude of the setting makes all the characters, even Spider-Man, completely benign and somber. Is Iron Man normally a bit of a douche? If so, I think I might be sold enough to check out some his comics… Regardless, the movie gets four stars out of five, though I’d give it 4.5 if Netflix would let me. And now, I’m absolutely stoked for Iron Man 2 when it comes out next year.

All right, I’ve prattled enough, and the ad box is a distant memory. To SmackDown!

Note: My DVR gave me some MORE stupid issues, so I’m having to do this from Hulu. First time for that for this recap, so forgive me if something here may not gel with something your DVR copy may have. We’ll see how this goes…

RIP Lou Albano: Lou Albano was before my time as a fan (I got into wrestling in general around WrestleMania 9), so it takes things like the MTV piece Rick has up to seeing some old footage of him on YouTube for me to really “get” what his specific contribution was to wrestling; my knowledge of the guy pretty much begins and ends with the “Super Mario Bros. Super Show.” However, it doesn’t take fandom to see what an awesomely charismatic guy he was, and he seems like one of the “good ones,” the guys who enjoy wrestling and don’t take themselves too seriously. Not enough of those types left in the world.

I’ll miss you, Captain. Do the Mario!!!

Segment 1: Out first is Theodore Long, who stands on the stage to hype Bragging Rights. He hypes the 7-on-7 tag match, split by brands, and says that that match will so totally prove which show is best. He says he’s done some awesome things to counter RAW’s team, including naming Chris Jericho as the captain of Team SmackDown.

CJ comes out presently, pausing to look at T-Long on the stage, then making his way to the ring. CJ starts blathering that he is so totally the only logical choice as captain, then says that John Cena will so totally lose to Randy Orton, and will have to go through CJ himself to earn a spot on SmackDown. (This is his decision to make? Wouldn’t T-Long just have to sign him and be done with it?) CJ continues to prattle as he is wont to do, using his usual shtick, though it feels a bit more entertaining this week for some reason. It helps that he gives Degeneration X’s book some hype in a reverse-psychology kind of way, plugging it and saying how it sucks, which of course just makes the crowd want it. He tears the book up and says that he’ll do the same thing to DX at the Bragging Rights match.

As Jericho starts his next topic, the pyros go off, and Kane makes his way to the ring. Kane declares that he is now the co-captain of the team, so there. CJ thinks about it for a split-second, then says that he was so totally going to just say that, since Kane’s strength with CJ’s intelligence (and Kane missing the tiny slight in the process) would be a great combination. Kane is happy and blows his ring pyro, and we’re done with the opener.

Segment 2 [Triple Threat Match, winner joins Team SmackDown]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Mike Knox by pin and outlasts Finlay. Match was all right, somewhat decent actually—Finlay even hit the Rolling Thunder / Celtic Cross / Whatever on Knox, which was pretty amazing! Still, the ending was hit with a production snafu, which I’ll get into in a second.

A blown spot early started with Finlay being tossed outside. Dolph got on the apron ready to do something, but Knox shoulder checked Dolph off the apron and to the floor. Then, Knox went for a jumping elbow on Finlay, who strafed and pulled the apron, probably intending to do his signature spot of trapping his opponent between the apron and edge of the ring. However, either Knox jumped too far or Finlay didn’t get the apron pulled far enough, so Knox landed awkwardly on the floor and apron, half-crotching himself in the process. Finlay followed it up with a series of kicks though, so it was fairly smooth, and just looked a little sick for Knox.

One curious thing late in the match, after some triple-reversey stuff, saw Finlay smash Knox in the face with the shillelagh. However, just as the hit is delivered, the camera cut away to some chick in the audience. As we come back from that, the commentators are saying that the ref’s view was totally obstructed at that moment, which is why he didn’t catch it. The thing is, the ref was looking right at them as the camera cut away, and Dolph was out of the ring. I assume this was just a retcon to explain away the fact that the ref saw it and didn’t make a call, I suppose because this one technically didn’t have DQs?

Anyway, the pin failed due to Dolph’s interference. He quickly chucked Finlay from the ring and pinned Knox instead, ending the match and, sadly, earning a spot on Team SmackDown.

Segment 3 [Tag Match, winners join Team SmackDown]: Cryme Tyme defeats The Hart Dynasty by pin. Match was short, but was amazingly entertaining. It wasn’t quite formula, as one face was basically shut down for the whole match.

The story was all about Shad’s knee, as it was the only thing THD was targeting. Tyson did a great move very early, using the ring post to help him execute an illegal (and excessively painful-looking) Texas Cloverleaf. JTG got the hot tag and, after some smooth reversey stuff, did a wacky falling neckbreaker to Tyson. Shad at this point had dove from the apron to Smith to keep him down. Very smooth, and one of the best matches I’ve ever seen out of Cryme Tyme.

Segment 4: Chris Jericho is in the locker room, talking to Michelle McCool and trying to hype her up for her RAW vs. SD match at Bragging Rights, because he wants to know that SD will be the dominant brand in all three RAW vs. SD matches. She starts to put herself over…

Then Mickie James appears (taunting me with a dress that almost shows side boob but not quite) and thanks T-Long—who is also here in the locker room for no discernable reason—for trading for her from RAW. Mickie also puts herself over as the new best SD diva. Michelle starts to walk away but runs into Beth Phoenix, who declares that she’s going to take the title. Guess Michelle put a target on her back, huh?

Segment 5: Vince McMahon is in the back, talking to someone on a cell phone, and CM Punk materializes. Punk insists that Vince overrides T-Long to make a one-on-one match between him and Undertaker rather than commit him to the Fatal Four-Way. Vince decides against it, but does promise that next week on RAW, we’re going to see Punk vs. Taker in a submission match with Scott Armstrong as a ref, recreating the circumstances from their match two PPVs ago.

Pre-Segment 6: Vickie Guerrero pops out to announce the SmackDown debut of Eric Escobar. Joy.

Segment 6 [Singles Match, winner joins Team SmackDown]: Eric Escobar (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeats Matt Hardy by pin. Match was lame. EE has no move set other than the sheer basics of punchy-kicky… and now, he gets to play with (mainly) main eventers on a PPV main event? Really? What the fuck is going on? EE finished the match by throwing Matt shoulder-first into the ring post, then doing a quick schoolboy pin with the tights pulled.

Segment 7: Miz and John Morrison hit the ring, separately, for a one-night-only special return of the Dirt Sheet. (Of note, the possibly future Mrs. Falkon is terribly disappointed that Morrison was fully clothed and not showing off the Abs of Awesomeness. I, frankly, couldn’t me more thankful.)

The two bicker, very entertainingly, about which one of them is going to be AWESOME~!, and which one of the former tag team is going to rise and which one will fall. Miz says he’ll totally be the Shawn Michaels to the Morrison being the Marty Jannetty. Ouch. Morrison retorts that Miz doesn’t get pussy, and that he’s so totally conformed to the mainstream, somehow being the illegitimate love child of Michael Phelps, a horse, Pink, and Big Dick Johnson (complete with pictures). Bwa ha ha ha!

Morrison calls Miz fat, and Miz retorts that he’s hot, and will totally prove that he’s better than Morrison—a non sequitur, really—and that he’ll prove RAW is better than SmackDown. Morrison says that RAW has become a poor man’s Saturday Night Live, and that they should just figure out who’s better right now.

Miz declines that, and things break down to a screaming match from there, with Miz saying he’s totally awesome and is the reason we all watch RAW, and Morrison declaring that Miz is all talk and always has been, so shut the fuck up and do something! Morrison gets to his feet and challenges and dares Miz to do something. Miz… leaves. Pussy.

As he retreats, Morrison gets a mic and says: “What a surprise. Well, that’s fine. See you at Bragging Rights… Jannetty.” Ouch again.

Very entertaining stuff! Morrison sounded like he was really reaching for things to say at the end of the screaming match (while Miz pulled off his role perfectly naturally), but he managed to pull it all off without being too awkward.

Segment 8 [Singles Match, winner joins Team SmackDown]: Drew McIntyre defeats R-Truth by countout. Meh. Drew didn’t show any more of a moveset than Eric Escobar did… so sad. At least a story was told here, with Drew doing back-related offense for the whole match, making Truth’s injured back the focus. The final move was outside the ring, when Drew swept out Truth’s legs at the steps, making Truth land back-first onto the steps. It caused enough pain that Truth couldn’t answer the ten-count.

Segment 9: In the locker room, Rey Mysterio is preparing for his main event match against Batista. Bats comes in and says he’s uncomfortable with the match, just like he’s uncomfortable with the Fatal Four-Way at Bragging Rights. Rey says that they’ll be okay, and that he’s planning on leaving Bragging Rights as the new champion. Bats seems conflicted, but lets it pass in peace.

Segment 10: Taker speaks in a pre-taped segment, using short generic-for-him lines on how he’s beat CM Punk.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Rey Mysterio defeats Batista by pin. Match was decent but nothing special. Bats played a heelish dick card early by using extreme power offense, which drew boos. The match ended with a huracanrana; the commentators sold the pin attempt and kick out close and controversial, though it didn’t look so close to me. Is this the start of a Batista turn? Still, on the replay, though the ref counted to three, Bats’s right shoulder was off the mat at three. I wonder if this will play into some storyline?

After the match, as Rey celebrated, Punk came out of nowhere and hit Rey with a Go To Sleep. Bats ran to the ring to help his friend, though he couldn’t really do much. Still, Bats and Rey hugged and stuff as we faded to black.

I’ve taken Benadryl to combat allergies, and it’s really frickin’ late anyway. Combined? I’m tired, and you get no final thoughts, other than the fact I thought the night was entertaining but nothing exceptional.

RATING (out of 5): 3.0