Several weeks ago, Rick reinstituted the OO rating system for all of the weekly TV shows, including TNA. Unlike the first time the OO rating system was used, YOU get to participate in the rating system! Just head over to the official Online Onslaught forums (located here), head into the Wrestling topic, and check out the threads at the top of the page. You can discuss and debate the shows, as well as post your rating. The average of everyone’s ratings is what appears on our front page. [NOTE FROM RICK: It doesn't appear yet on our Front Page, because we're still working the kinks out, and this Ratings System remains in Beta Testing until I'm sure people are taking it seriously, unlike the dimwits at The Torch, who think just shouting "0.3" and then rambling like a sports-talk-radio moron means they "win" the argument. But once all kinks are worked out and I'm feeling good about the sincerety/thoughtfulness of the ratings being offered? They'll be on the main page. Use Pyro's link to join the fun.]
 

With that in mind, I’m going to start putting my numerical rating at the end of the recaps, rather than going to the forums and making posts redundant to the recap. This is to your advantage too, as a zero-to-five rating system is better than a lame-meh-totally AWESOME, yo! rating system, you know?

Straight from Rick’s mouth (fingers?), this is the given scale you should keep in mind:

- Consider a 5.0 to be an almost unattainable "perfect storm" of awesome (not just a well-put-together show, but almost certainly requiring something special/unique in the form of "stunt booking"). If it happens, it'll be remembered fondly and with clarity for years to come.

- A 4.0 should be considered "as good as we can reasonably hope for"; this is an excellent show in the "Sustainable Episodic Television" mold, with nothing special or fancy. A lot of fun in and of itself, and also with enough juice to get you pumped for tuning in again next time.

- A 3.0 is where cracks begin to appear, and is more of a show in the vein of "a show that felt like a worthwhile way to spend my time, although not remotely exceptional"; this sort of show does what it needs to, but without any real sizzle; it isn't counter-productive at all, but it will also be forgotten very quickly.

- A 2.0 is a show that has more misses than hits, and falls below any fair expectations; this is a show that will still have SOME redeeming qualities, although it's also a show that you'd prefer to watch on DVR with a fast-forward button at your command.

- A 1.0 is a genuinely poor show that whiffs in pretty much every possible category (limited in-ring displays of skill, clunky and possibly counter productive promo/storyline work); this is a show that genuinely makes you feel like you wasted your time by tuning in.

- And of course, a 0.0 is the polar opposite "perfect storm" of suck; this would be an almost unattainable level of poorness where a show actually seems to be trying to antagonize you rather than entertain you. If it happens, it, too, is the sort of show that will be talked about for years.

And here we go!

Pre-Segment 1: Yankees vs. Mets? What the fuck? Sigh… damn New York/New Jersey TV stations. Guess I’ll shelve the recap until the game is over.

Segment 1: It’s about goddamn time. And here comes Vince McMahon to start things off. Motherfucker.

Vince starts things off by goosing some cheap pops, then insulting everyone for cheap heat. Vince blathers as Vince does, finally getting to the point of calling out Theodore Long, who hits the ring presently.

Vince asks what T-Long has planned for tonight, and that it should be totally kick ass since he is in attendance. T-Long reports that SD is awesome, and that tonight, we’re going to have Edge & Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio & Jeff Hardy in the main event, which should be all kinds of fun. Vince isn’t impressed, so T-Long adds the fact that it’ll be in a steel cage. Vince still wants more… so T-Long says that CM Punk is going to be the special guest ref!

Vince still isn’t impressed, I guess, because he puts T-Long “on probation.” I hope it didn’t hurt too bad, the way he just pulled that out of his ass.

Post-Segment 1: R-Truth immediately pops out for his upcoming match. During his intro song, he gooses T-Long to say “What’s up???” twice, then sticks the mic in Vince’s face, who predictably just looks pissed. Still funny, though.

Pre-Segment 2: So R-Truth is out there, and after commercials, Shelton Benjamin hits the stage with a mic. SB challenges that Truth’s whole shtick about “being educated on the streets” is just a line. But SB is really educated: he went to college! “And apparently, being educated by the streets, they neglected to teach you some subjects, like English.” BWA HA HA HA!!!

SB wraps up that after he beats Truth, Truth can just leave the whole WWE, and leave his life forever. This just pisses Truth off, which probably isn’t good.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: R-Truth defeats Shelton Benjamin by pin. The match was pretty sweet, thanks mostly to each guy working pretty damn stiff (or at least selling perfectly and making it all look stiff). There were no high spots, but every single spot they had gave you a bit of a jolt. Damn good stuff… except for the ending, when Truth ducked a roundhouse kick and countered by hitting the ropes and doing a corkscrew forearm. Really? That’s what did SB in?

Segment 3: Vince finds Rey Mysterio in the locker room. After making fun of his height, he mumbles his way to saying that he’s kinda anxious to see what Rey “really looks like” after he loses the match this Sunday, apparently not giving enough of a shit to check his own video libraries of the period in WCW when Rey wrestled, you know, without his mask. Fucktard.

Rey, to his credit, cusses out (I guess?) Vince in Spanish, then leaves. And that makes Vince ramble like an idiot to T-Long for a couple seconds. Sigh.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Michelle McCool & Alicia Fox defeat Gail Kim & My Melina by pin. Match wasn’t a train wreck, per se… a “derailing,” I suppose. Melina started things off and sold a face injury upon the second Michelle-delivered kick, which initially triggered my Melina Sympathy Gene since I keep having flashbacks to June 2008 anytime My Melina sells any injury.

Anyway, it was all a work, and Michelle and Alicia did face-targeting offense for a few minutes, when My Melina finally got the hot tag to Gail, who went House O’ Fire. Gail did do a fairly impressive spot where she charged Alicia in the corner; Alicia dodged, but Gail landed on the second rope. She then quickly hopped up to the third rope and did a flying crossbody, though she took her jump with her back to Alicia, meaning that Gail didn’t initially see where she was going on the take off. Credit goes to Alicia for being in the right spot to actually take the hit without a) having things look awkward or b) hurting one or both of them.

The flying crossbody couldn’t put her away though, as Michelle got involved. My Melina was still holding her face—which just makes me think naughty thoughts—and was no help. In the ensuing chaos, Alicia managed to tag out when Gail wasn’t watching, allowing Michelle to come in and hit her finisher that I keep forgetting the name of. The Belly Flop of Extreme Implant Bursting? Something like that. Anyway, I’m sad at this development, so no e-mails this week, please. I’ll be grieving.

Segment 5: Vince finds CM Punk in the back. Vince blathers, Punk puts himself and his straight-edge lifestyle over, and nothing significant happens.

Segment 6: Cryme Tyme do their “Word Up” webshow crap on SD for the first time. Apparently, Word Up has them defining an ebonics word. It’s pretty fucking lame… until Jesse shows up and does a great cracker impression of Cryme Tyme. “I threw that biscuits and gravy out the window, now I’m down wit da GREEN!!!” Okay, this? Can be potentially funny. The rest of the segment, not so much.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: John Morrison defeats CM Punk by pin. Two things: Morrison won? And this match was this fucking good? Really? Am I living some sort of Bizarro World dream?

This match was hot, though it didn’t start out such. Morrison and Punk did things very technically from the beginning in stark contrast to their last match, with Morrison essentially staying on offense and Punk’s face splitting time between grimacing and a “what the fuck?” expression.

Eventually, they kicked it up a notch. Much like SB/Truth from earlier, there were only a couple high spots, but they worked fast and somewhat stiff with even rudimentary punches. JM did manage to do a moonsault from the top rope to the floor… and not only that, he landed cleanly and gracefully on his feet, blowing my mind and my 212-pound frame. Punk retaliated though, managing to hit a… uh… reverse front suplex (?) from the top rope against JM a bit later. It was sweet, and so very stiff.

Match didn’t end on the ensuing pin though. Punk went for the third attempted Go To Sleep of the match after the failed pin, but Morrison wiggled out and pinned Punk in the process. Punk reversed it and pinned JM, but JM re-reversed it, which Punk re-re-reversed, which JM re-re-re-reversed and managed to hold on. Wow.

After the match, Punk and JM chat and shake hands… and Punk hits him with the GTS. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. Wonder how this affects the main event.

Segment 8: Josh “No Personality” Mathews interviews Chris Jericho in the back, who says his normal anti-mask and anti-fan rhetoric. Moving on.

Segment 9: Vince and T-Long find Jeff Hardy in the back. Vince blathers, and nothing significant happens.

Segment 10 [Steel Cage Tag Match, Tag Rules (not Tornado Rules for some unfathomable reason, even though the match by its nature is fucking no-DQ)]: Edge & Chris Jericho defeat Jeff Hardy & Rey Mysterio by pin. Match was decent, but compared to the rest of the night, it was a little bit of a letdown in terms of pure action. This match was all about the story, though, which I’ll get to in a second.

A great chain of spots saw Jericho get his, uh, little Jerichoholics damaged thrice in rapid succession. The first was when Rey took Jericho down. Jericho crawled over to the corner and sat. Rey charged, but rather than going for a missile dropkick, he did a baseball slide into Jericho’s crotch. A few seconds later, Jericho got back on the offense and got to the top rope, where he was kicked and crotched himself on the turnbuckle. That was followed up by Edge getting involved, and Jeff Hardy whipping him face-first into Jericho who was still sitting on the top rope; Edge’s forehead met Jericho’s friends for a third time. If I may quote Hancock, Jericho is probably left with nothing but a little flap to block dust from his asshole.

The cage was more of a weapon in this match than anything else. Rey teased two escapes, one early and one late, but that was the whole of that. Otherwise, at the end of the match, Rey hot tagged Jeff, who went on a tear against Edge. Edge tried hitting a Spear, but Jeff dodged, and Edge nailed Punk instead. Jeff hit the Twist of Fate and made a pin, but Punk was too hurt to count at first. Punk recovered enough to get a two-count, which Jeff bitched him out for. A Pier Four brawl broke out afterwards, with the faces getting most of the offense. Jeff gave Punk a cold look as the former dispatched Jericho, but then ate a clean Spear. To his credit, Punk counted fairly—actually maybe a bit slowly—for the pin.

Post-Segment 10: After the match, the heels bail, and Rey probably powders out too. Jeff still sells the Spear as Punk leaves the ring and gets a mic. He overly puts Jeff over, saying how he fought his heart out for us tonight, and that he’s #1 Contender for this weekend. Punk gives him a cocky smirk as Jeff stares him down, wondering what the head games are all about.

Cut from there to the back, where Vince threatens T-Long’s job while simultaneously admitting that SD wasn’t bad this week. Whatever.

Final Thoughts: I can think of many things I’d rather be doing than staying up until 3am to get a recap done… mostly, I’d like to be sleeping since I have to get up in the morning to work. Regardless, this was a pretty fun show, with almost every match being well-worked and/or telling a story in that “sustainable episodic TV” mold we always say WWE should try to aspire to.

Okay, I confess: I know it’s hardly WWE’s fault they got bumped by a baseball game that nobody gives a shit about outside New York and New Jersey. But still, WWE and Vince have this way about making mountains out of molehills, then blowing up the mountains with an H-bomb and expecting us to worship them for it. The point is, while I’ve had to stay up entirely too late tonight for SmackDown, I feel it was well worth my time. Hell, Morrison/Punk was pretty damn good, and I’m starting to come around to Truth, who just absolutely fucking clicks with Shelton (who, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, is my #1 reason for even watching SmackDown at this point in terms of pure action).

In fact, in my crazy world of Imagination Land, if we cut all of Vince’s irrelevant cut scenes out (including the opening promo), halve the time of women’s tag match, and change the Word Up idiocy to a tag match where Jesse can actually debut this new gimmick (if that’s what it is) against Dolph Ziggler or someone equally unimportant, then you’d have a damn good must-watch show. Instead, what we’re left with is a should-watch show, with extremely fast-forward-able bits with Vinny Mac interspersed randomly throughout. I’m happy… albeit very, very tired.

RATING: 3.8