Finally I checked out The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I’ve been trying to get to since it released in theaters. It was definitely entertaining, showing a classic “analysis of life and death” storyline with a twist of originality. Even though the movie was hardly insightful, it was touching and made for a damn good balance between a chick flick and a good unisex character study. My only complaint is the length: at nearly three hours, it’ll test your stamina, and is damn near unwieldy if you don’t expect it. (I literally took a nap halfway through.) I can take The Godfather so my tolerance is a little higher than some movie watchers, but Curious Case didn’t have any action to get the blood flowing. That means it’s nearly three hours of talking, nearly three hours of character development that crawls by, nearly three hours of you waiting impatiently for something to happen. In this case, the movie is greater than the sum of its parts: once you watch the whole thing, the entire picture becomes clear, and you realize the movie was pretty decent. Well, assuming you like the whole life-and-death-examination plot device, anyway. Three stars.

Next up on my list are Semi-Pro, The Simpsons Movie, and The Condemned. I know: pretty frickin’ random. With the possibly-future Mrs. Falkon coming here for an extended stay soon, I’m pretty damn sure my Netflix list going to get even more disjointed in the coming weeks. I’m sure you won’t want to miss that.

Segment 1: Rey Mysterio hits the ring to open SmackDown, and he’s here to talk. After the prerequisite cheap pops and Spanish blathering, he says it’s going to be awesome to destroy Chris Jericho in the Extreme Rules match coming up soon.

This summons Jericho, naturally, who walks to the ring before responding. Jericho doesn’t think that the Extreme Rules match will be so awesome, especially when he smashes Rey in the head with a chair and the title after he wins it. He pauses as the crowd fires up a “Fuck you! Fuck you!” chant, which I’m amazed has been let through by the censors.

Jericho starts his normal large-vocabulary rhetoric, but Rey cuts him off with a simple “Shut up!” Rey implies Jericho is all talk, points out that when Jericho promised he would not be hit with the 619 and was anyway, and points out that Jericho also promised to beat Mickey Rourke up at WrestleMania and failed at that too. This is punctuated by a shot of Rourke, who is in the audience for God knows what reason.

Jericho says that if Rey wants to pander to Rourke, he will do the exact opposite. Jericho goes to the ropes, tells Rourke that he’s so totally a professional and won’t punch him as a result, even though he should. Rourke, Jericho concludes, is worthless. Also worthless, getting back to the point, is Rey, because he’s a coward and must be hiding something because… sigh… he’s wearing a mask. Jericho promises that he’ll tear the mask off at the Extreme Rules match, and how it will be his undoing.

Rey punches Jericho a few times without any more words, sets him up for the 619… and Jericho bails. Play Rey’s music out, and we’re done here. That was lame.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Khali & R-Truth (w/Translator) defeat Mike Knox & Dolph Ziggler by pin. Match was short, and was probably as good as anything with Khali in it is going to get. The heels sold like champs and made both faces look better than they are. I’m increasingly starting to think that Truth is the male version of Kelly Kelly: amazingly athletic, but not quite up there with wrestling IQ. Truth at least is about a billion times more convincing though.

Match had Truth start things out, and a tag to Khali didn’t fuck up the flow too bad. Khali tagged out again after like four moves (maybe that’s why it didn’t fuck up the flow), where Truth quickly became FIP. A hot tag to Khali kept the faces alive after Knox went on a tear. Dolph at one point looked for a cheap shot during this, but Khali caught him. Dolph bailed, letting Knox eat a two-handed chokeslam and get pinned. During and immediately after the pin, Khali and Dolph stared holes at each other from ring to ramp. Seems Dolph is still too much of a chickenshit to engage Khali directly, which works for a wrestling storyline.

For what it’s worth, the entrance of the faces including Translator and Khali “dancing” as Truth did his normal rap. I’m not sure if this was funny in a genuine sense or funny in an ironic sense, but it was entertaining. Ditto their play off, where Truth danced to Khali’s music.

Cut Scene: Goddamn, does My Melina make WALKING~! look good. Yummy.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: My Melina defeats Alicia Fox (w/ Michelle McCool) by pin. Am I the only one who noticed that, during her usual split entrance, My Melina’s breasts hit the bottom rope on the way down, causing her to hop a bit using her ass alone to readjust her trajectory before sliding under the bottom rope? Yes, I am: that’s why I’m president of the Melina Stalkers’ Fan Club.

Match was lame, mostly because Melina oversold for Alicia’s disjointed, sloppy offense. Well, add that to the dead (and I mean “Venus Williams’s chance of winning the French Open” dead) crowd, and you’ve got a recipe of disinterest that only Randy Orton could hope to match. Melina did have a cool spot though: Fox tried for a simple clothesline, and Melina bent backwards in a Trish Stratus-homage Matrix dodge. However, she held the bridge rather than popping right back up. When Fox went over to investigate, Melina managed to kick her in the face while still bent over backwards. I wonder if Melina doesn’t actually have bones, or if all her joints are quadruple-jointed.

The rest of the match was dry, though it ended with Melina’s semi-new Johnny Cage Split Leg Drop of Doom. I enjoy seeing it, and every time she does it, she does it a little bit stiffer… but it still doesn’t make up for the preceding three minutes of crap.

After the match, Michelle intercepted the ref as he went to give Melina’s title back to her. Michelle kinda shoved it into Melina’s shoulder, and Melina scoffed, but nothing more came about.

Segment 4: Josh Mathews interviews John Morrison in the back, who somehow gets a pop. Josh asks what Morrison thinks of Umaga; he responds with: “Umaga is like a tree, rooted to the ground. I’m like all the other trees that grow and grow until I am over the other trees and can see all over the place!” How very Ultimate Warrior of you, buddy. Morrison then starts to translate himself, saying he’s all about out-thinking Umaga.

Before Josh can follow up, Shelton Benjamin appears and pushes him out of frame. SB issues a pseudo-challenge that he and JM need to “settle their bid’ness” if survives Umaga. JM then runs down his list of accomplishments, including “beating each man of the World’s Most Forgotten Tag Team twice.” Ouch! Clever. JM leaves, saying he’s got better things to do than to discuss hair dye.

Okay, just like MVP: has Morrison actually done anything to be turned face? The difference here is that unlike MVP, I don’t think Morrison can pull it off, and I’m still not impressed, in-ring abilities notwithstanding.

Segment 5: Jeff Hardy hits the ring and cuts a very unusual promo. Without face paint or other stupidness, he simply says that he and Edge kicked off their feud in a ladder match…. And now they’re going to end it at Extreme Rules, where Jeff will win. Huh.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: John Morrison defeats Umaga by disqualification. Match started off pretty formulaic, though they had an awesome spot just before the commercial. JM had Umaga stunned, so the former hit the ropes and ran forward for… something. Umaga grabbed him and tossed him directly upward, almost like for a military press. On JM’s way down however, Umaga caught him behind his shoulders and immediately dropped into a Samoan Drop. Good lord, that looked painful.

After that came a commercial, followed by entirely too many minutes of way too fucking slow action. Umaga decided to slap on a couple arm-targeted submissions, to which JM “powered out,” an absolutely ridiculous sight that killed the crowd worse than anything.

Eventually, JM got some momentum, dodging a charge to make Umaga slam his head into the ring post. JM followed that up with a Jericho-like springboard dropkick that sent Umaga out of the ring. There, Umaga grabbed his strap he brought to the ring, smacked JM, and lost by DQ.

Post-Segment 6: After the match, Umaga continued the assault, whipping the spray-on tan off JM. Umaga even wrapped him up in the Tree of Woe, and gave him a few kicks. This finally summoned CM Punk, who smacked Umaga twice with the Money in the Bank briefcase (available at all fine retailers!), followed by a running knee, followed by bulldogging Umaga onto it.

Umaga bailed, talking trash to Punk as he retreated. For some reason, Todd Grisham quickly scrambled into the ring to ask about Punk’s strategy for beating Umaga at Extreme Rules. Punk responds by saying he’s going to wing it, and he’s going to prove all his critics wrong because he’s so totally going to win. The power of Punk compels you! The power of Punk compels you!

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: The World’s Greatest Tag Team defeats Cryme Tyme by pin. Match was decent. Beginning saw Cryme Tyme some damn good team work (which is still JTG’s best attribute in my opinion), though JTG quickly became FIP after a commercial break.

TWGTT did what they do best, especially Shelton, who again made everyone else (and himself this time around) look damn good. JTG managed a hot tag to Shad, who cleaned house before attempting his Rock Bottom-like finisher. SB countered this and slipped out, then hit the ropes. Shad tried back body dropping him, but SB just landed on his feet. As they both turned around, SB was a tad quicker, and he hit the Pay Dirt before Shad could brace himself. Shad didn’t get up, but damned if Cryme Tyme didn’t have probably their best match so far in this one.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Eve Torres defeats Layla by pin. Match was all right, but nothing special… Nah, I kid. It sucked.

Eve basically spent the whole match getting her ass kicked in lame ways. Toward the end, she tried doing some wrestling moves, but nothing that was even remotely interesting. Well, I take that back: she did do one sunset flip at about 33% faster speed than any cruiserweight I’ve ever seen, but I don’t know if that speed increase is because she was actually trying or if it was just a bit less controlled. Either way, the endgame saw Layla hitting a crossbody into a pin, but Eve rolled through it and made the pin instead. Somehow, Layla lost all ability to kick out at this point, which didn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense.

After the match, Layla tried a sneak attack, but Eve dodged, sending Layla through the ropes to the outside. Nothing further transpired.

Segment 9: Edge runs into Jericho in the back. Edge tells him to follow his lead; Jericho replies that Edge’s “lead” didn’t work out so well last week. Edge replies that because he’s champ, Jericho needs to listen to him. Jericho concludes by threatening to just not show up at the main event at all. Wuh oh.

Pre-Segment 10: Edge is out here for the main event, but wishes to comment on Jeff Hardy first. Edge says that Jeff personifies “wasted opportunities,” most recently seen last week. Specifically, Jeff could have picked any stipulation for their World Title last week, but picked a Ladder Match… which Edge says that he owns.

Edge further says something that I’ve got to write verbatim: “And Jeff, I heard you talking before… And I know, you and I have been in more ladder matches than anyone else. But here’s the difference between you and I: you always impress, you always shine, you always make everyone’s jaws drop, you always make the highlight reel! But me… I always win. [crowd boos] You don’t like it because you know it’s true.” Damn, Edge is brilliant.

Edge further posits that the difference between those matches and this upcoming one is that the only times they’ve met before have been tag ladder matches, and he won’t have a partner to fall back on. Edge goes on with some more rhetoric at their differences, including: “You’re a loser, I’m winner. You’ll walk into Extreme Rules as the perennial challenger, and I’m walking out the World Heavyweight Champion.” Also brilliant.

As Edge poses, Jericho’s pyros go off and his music hits… but he doesn’t appear. Edge, the ref, and the ring announcer whose name I always forget look confused… and worried. I don’t blame him.

Rey Mysterio’s music hits, and he goes through his usual entrance of touching forehead-to-forehead of some of the kids in the crowd who are wearing Rey masks. He gives his outer mask to a kid, then goes to the next guy and touches forehead-to-forehead… and as Rey turns around, the fan smacks him!

The “fan” hops the barricade, allowed to do so by the Arena Security Staff guy beside him. That can naturally only mean that it’s Jericho, and sure enough, he pulls off his Rey mask and continues the assault. Nice play, WWE; nice play.

While Rey lays there stunned, Jericho starts to rip the mask off. He manages to rip the eye hole open enough that you see half of Rey’s forehead, but no more. At this point, Jeff pops out and runs down the ramp, laying a forearm on Jericho, running him off. EMTs hit Rey’s corpse to check on him, as Jim Ross asks what’s going to happen to the main event now.

Damn, that’s a long “pre” segment, isn’t it? After a commercial, we find out that Jeff has agreed to a handicap match.

Segment 10 [2-on-1 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: Edge & Chris Jericho defeat Jeff Hardy by pin. Match was decent, with plenty of hope spots for Jeff, who frequently found himself having to target each heel at the same time. He was pounded by both heels, who frequently tagged out to keep the pace of the match nice and hot.

The match ended with some great triple-reversey stuff. It started with Jeff hitting his signature springboard dropkick in the corner against Edge, who was sitting on the mat. They got from that, and Jeff tried the Twist of Fate. Edge shoved Jeff toward Jericho, who readied a punch. Jeff stopped himself, and Edge charged. Jeff grabbed Edge, and flung him into Jericho, then tried a quick schoolboy.

Jericho recovered quickly and broke up the pin, then shoved Jeff into a corner. He and Edge whipped Jeff toward the opposite corner, following him to prepare for a double clothesline. Rather than hit the corner, Jeff scaled the ropes and hit a Whisper in the Wind that caught both heels. Jericho was up first and ate a Twist of Fate for his trouble. As Jeff turned around from that, Edge caught him square with a Spear, and that was it. Damn fine finish.

Post-Segment 10: Edge quickly got out of the ring, but only to fish out a ladder from under it. He used it to bash Jeff in the face, then opened the ladder, but left it on the ground. He put Jeff between the ladder halves, then slammed it down, sandwiching him. Edge then stood on the ladder and posed. Jerk.

Recommendation: Meh. The matches were longer than I expected, but weren’t tragic abortions aside from Eve/Layla. Main event was decent, and the undercard and wrestling angles were at least passable. Could be better, could be worse. I’m sticking around for the post-show news report, but it so totally doesn’t have anything to do with MyTV profiling Gail Kim.