I’ve got their latest album, “Worlds Collide,” on iTunes now, and it’s fantastic. There’s like two stinkers in there, but that can’t be avoided no matter what group or album you’re talking about. I never heard of this so-called “neo-classical” genre before, but damned if Apocalyptica doesn’t fucking rock it. Several songs are great for rushing the blood before you kill a cow with your bare hands, punch out a co-worker with your bare hands, bang a girl on your bed with your bare hands, or scoop your cat’s litter box with your bare hands. It’s really phenomenal.

If you guys know of any other artists that play similar music to Apocalyptica, let me know. It’s really something cool hearing classical instruments and notes over a rock beat.

Segment 1: Edge hits the ring to open the show this week. He uses his title to prove that he is the face of SmackDown, and screw anyone else who disagrees. He reminds us that Chris Jericho and CM Punk, both supposed contenders, lost their respective matches; further, he beat Jeff Hardy, so his place at the top of mountain is so totally secure. And Jeff proves yet again he’s so totally a loser too.

Enter Theodore Long. He says that while he respects the referee’s decision in the Jeff/Edge match, he can’t ignore the fact that Matt Hardy interfered. Ergo, at Extreme Rules, Jeff gets a rematch. Edge protests, saying that regardless of excuses, Jeff lost and failed as usual, and deserves no rematch despite the circumstances surrounding the match.

Enter Jeff Hardy, who stands at the foot of the ramp to talk rather than get the ring. Jeff opens by playing a sarcastic pity party, then says that bigger than his losing pathetic streak, he is a competitor. He finally gets in the ring, reminds us that every match at Extreme Rules is Extreme Rules (who would’ve thought that?), and that he and Edge should take each other on tonight, with the winner able to pick the exact stipulation.

Edge protests again, asking what right Jeff has to demand the match. Jeff stops him there, quotes T-Long’s statement last week that SmackDown belongs to the WWE Universe, and decides to ask The People. So he hits ringside and asks every random person he sees if they want… to… Holy shit, is that my co-worker’s husband on the screen? I didn’t realize she (or at least he) is a wrestling fan! I’ll have to ask her about it next time I see her.

Anyway, they all naturally say they want to see the match. T-Long doesn’t want a riot, so he goes with it, and Edge is pretty SOL.

Segment 2 [6-Man Tag Match]: John Morrison & Cryme Tyme defeat Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, & Ricky Ortiz by pin. Match was all right, but nothing special. Very formulaic. It was better at the beginning, before the commercial break. Afterwards, JTG became FIP, and things got a little awkward. It actually got quite awkward when JTG whiffed the hot tag (even the ref didn’t signal for it), and Morrison came in and got all House o’ Fire. The fans were a little dead, because they clearly didn’t know what was going on. Even the announcers expressed that there was no tag, until the voices in their heads told them the tag actually did happen.

The Pier Six brawl went as you expected, although Shad did something minor I haven’t seen in awhile. SB and RO threw him into the ropes for a double clothesline. Rather than Shad countering with twin clotheslines of his own or ducking the attack, he just charged forward and broke through the chain, playing the adult equivalent of Red Rover.

With other four powdering out, Haas tried giving JM a German Suplex. JM landed on his feet, though he stumbled a bit to his knees. Haas charged, and JM gave him a flapjack or whatever you call it where you lift the guy up and drop him throat-first on the ropes. This happened conveniently in the corner, where JM then hit the Starship Awesome (I don’t care what the official names of cool moves are, as you should know by now), and made the pin.

Segment 3: Josh Mathews interviews MMMEEELLLLLLLINNNNNNAAAAAAAA!!!!!

*cough*

She says something about having the opportunity to get on top of and show her superiority to Gail Kim, doing what she does best, just for me. At least, that’s what I heard over the sound of my daydreams.

Alicia Fox appears and talks some shit on behalf of Michelle McCool, which Melina responds to by slapping her and giving her the look of “Nuh uh, gir’friend.” So hot.

Segment 4 [Singles Match for #1 Contendership of the Women’s Title]: Michelle McCool (w/ Alicia Fox) defeats Gail Kim by pin, and becomes the #1 contender. Match was okay, a little too formulaic at first. Gail didn’t specifically make Michelle look like a badass, but Michelle did get enough random acts of unusual spots to, yet again, elevate the women’s division beyond something of a sideshow.

They actually told a story in this one, with Michelle’s early offense targeting Gail’s wonderful legs. It started when Michelle wound up outside the ring, and Gail went to follow. Michelle flung her into the barricade, then picked her up for what I thought was a kneebreaker (like an atomic drop but you drop the victim on their knee rather than their crotch, you know?). But then, surprise! Michelle charges and slams Gail’s knee from that elevated position into the ring post.

After a bit more leg-targeted offense, Gail got a hope spot by doing a headscissors but not actually bringing Michelle down. Gail basically had the headscissors locked in the front, and the arms locked in the back, sort of like an upside-down leg-induced sleeperhold. Apparently this is called the “Flaming Dragon,” but I call it “Just Yummy.” Michelle dropped to her knees and wound up rolling through; though she was still locked in the hold, her legs were on the ropes, and Gail had to break.

From there, Gail did some high-angle kicks, but sold the leg each time, indicating she was too sore for quick pins. Eventually she got to the top rope, where Fox became a distraction. Gail flung her head-first into the corner post, but the distraction was enough for Michelle to crotch Gail on the ropes. As will all crotch-damaged spots, Gail dropped and started to somersault forward… but before she fell off the ropes completely, Michelle grabbed her like a backwards piledriver. Michelle then fell forward, doing that flop that squishes Gail’s wonderful goodness between her and the ring. I forget the name of the finisher, but I know I recapped it before… anyway, Michelle rolled over, taking Gail with her, and pinned her.

Segment 5: Rey Mysterio talks to-camera with Jim Ross interviewing him. RM puts over Jericho’s talent in the ring… and talent at talking shit. Rey says he’s most proud of the fact that he totally hit the 619 when Jericho said he couldn’t. Rey further says that he’s done with Jericho, and will take on anyone who wants to challenge for the Intercontinental Title. Rey then runs down some of the Latinos who held the IC belt, and that he wants to keep holding the title with dignity in their honor and/or memories.

Jim Ross then asks, completely nonsensically, why Rey wears the mask. Rey responds—clearly with a line either that Creative gave him or that he’s told entirely too many times—that he’s so totally ugly that we wouldn’t want to see him without it. But, no, just playin’ yo. Really, it’s a total badge of honor, and he earned the right to wear it through the luchadores, and it gives… him… a superpower… oh god. And he just wouldn’t be Rey Mysterio without the mask, so there.

Sigh.

Hey, kids! See those anvils above your heads? They’re not getting bigger, they’re coming down! OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: CM Punk defeats Chris Jericho by disqualification. Definitely an above average match. There were no high spots or anything else extremely noteworthy, but it was a great technical match with good chain wrestling.

One good spot halfway through was Punk going to the top rope for some sort of flying something or other. As he took off, Jericho dropkicked the rope, making Punk fall forward and take a rather sick-looking dive as a result.

Once the end-game hit, a bunch of triple reversey crap happened, with Punk setting up Go To Sleep, Jericho sliding off that to go for the Walls, Punk countering into a small package, Jericho rolling back over for the Walls again and locking it in, Punk grabbing the ropes to break it, then hitting the GTS after all. Crazy.

That’s when Umaga hit the ring and smacked Punk around with a leather strap.

Post-Segment 6: Umaga whipped Punk a few more times, then put him in the Tree of Woe, tied on with the strap. Umaga went to ringside, grabbing a mic, and demonstrated his sudden ability to speak English, issuing a challenge for a Samoan Strap Match at Extreme Rules. To punctuate it, he whipped Punk one more time. Jerk.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats R-Truth by pin. Dolph got his ass beat until Truth started going to the top rope. Dolph pulled Truth off, then did a reverse DDT sorta, and that was it. Lame.

Post-Segment 7: As Dolph retreated up the ramp, Khali and Translator popped out. Dolph stupidly heads into the ring to retreat, eating a spinny shoulder block from Truth. Truth to his credit immediately bailed; so did Dolph as Khali moved in for the kill. Dolph hopped the barricade and hauled ass through the crowd, while Khali left to get some nachos.

Segment 8: Edge is in T-Long’s in the office in the back, telling the GM that the Jeff/Edge thing is so totally a terrible move on T-Long’s part, because Edge will win here, then completely destroy Jeff at Extreme Rules, and wouldn’t that just be a shame.

Jericho comes in, and quietly greets Edge with a simple, “Edge.” Edge replies, “That’s ‘Champ’ to you, so sayeth the face of SmackDown.” Nice and subtle, I love it.

Jericho says under his breath, “Not for long,” then tells T-Long that… sigh… Rey is a coward who hides behind his mask. He wants a rematch at Extreme Rules as a result. T-Long is game, and says Rey wanted the same thing, though the match will be No Holds Barred. This suits Y2J just fine, and he leaves.

Segment 9 [Singles Match, winner names the stip for the title match at the next PPV]: Jeff Hardy defeats Edge by pin, and gets to name the stipulation. Match was good. Jeff rolled half-speed due to selling a concussion or something, and was basically made Edge’s bitch until the end. Triple reversey stuff occurred several times throughout, though the endgame started off when Edge went for a suplex. Jeff booted Edge in the stomach and delivered a Twist of Fate.

A bit later, Jeff got to the top rope, where Edge met him. Jeff fought him off however, hit the Swanton, and it was over.

Post-Segment 9: Jeff announces that the Extreme Rules match stipulation will be a Ladder Match. Edge sells this like Jeff is crazy and that he doesn’t want any part of it, which is precisely what he, Mr. Chickenshit, should be doing. Very awesome, really, showing as usual that Edge really has the heel mentality down to a science.

Recommendation: Meh. Aside from Truth/Ziggler, no match outright sucked, but nothing was very special either. Just status quo, I suppose.