Movies I’ve got here but haven’t gotten to yet: Slumdog Millionaire, The Cooler, This Film is Not Yet Rated, Keith

Movies on my list that I want to see, um, ASAP: Live Free or Die Hard, Get Smart, He Got Game, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

…How’s that for a wide-ranging mix of genres? Throw in the usual porn movies, and I’ve got my next week booked solid! Just in time for school to be starting up again, unfortunately, but what can you do, you know?

In the meantime, enjoy the latest edition of SmackDown: All You Need to Know.

Segment 1: Edge this the ring and recaps that two weeks ago, Cena and he had cut a not-shitty promo about Cena’s alleged toughness and Edge’s alleged hatred of Cena. Edge concedes that, indeed, Cena always gets up from everything Edge throws at him. For example, after Edge cashed in his Money in the Bank three years ago and Speared Cena twice to win the gold, Cena had no problem rallying and getting it back. But, Edge points out the events from Monday, that Cena was left motionless after the one-man Con-chair-to.

After a video clip, we see Edge still in the ring, but with the house lights off and only a spotlight on him. He, a little too calmly (think of Michael Corleone), says that he should respect Cena’s toughness… but despises him too much for that. Edge promises that this match is going to be it, that if Edge fails to win the gold, he’ll have nothing. Edge admits he doesn’t have Vickie to help him, that he doesn’t have friends, that he’s “a desperate man” just wanting the title.

Edge goes on that this rivalry must come to an end, because it’s shortened both of their careers. “And in the end, John… I will be the last… man… standing.” Edge then looks defiantly, bravely even, at the camera for a few silent seconds. His music then fires up, and he calmly heads to the back.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Matt Hardy & Kane defeat Jeff Hardy & CM Punk. Decent match, though it was pure formula. This was all about the Hardys: Kane was there just to be a thorn in Jeff’s side, and Punk did even less.

Match started normally enough, teasing a Matt/Jeff start, but Matt being a chickenshit and tagging in Kane. Kane did some damage, then Matt came back in to get total momentum for his side.  Match got technical after that between the Hardys, and Jeff’s hope spot was cut off by a tag to Kane, who dominated with power moves. Another tag, and Matt went back to technical. Jeff managed to hit a Whisper in the Wind in a hope spot, and things shortly broke down to a Pier Four brawl, when Punk made Kane powder out. Jeff continued his momentum, but Matt countered a Twist of Fate by shoving Jeff into the ropes. As Jeff smacked Kane and bounced backward into him, Matt gave him a quick roll-up to end the match.

Pre-Segment 3: Big Show hits the ring for his match against the Undertaker, but wants to speak first. He says that it’s great for the little kiddies that this is his last night on SmackDown, because his Five-Fingered Fist of +15 Ferocity is so totally giving kids nightmares. He’s going to use it to knockout the Undertaker, too!

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Undertaker by ref stoppage. Good god was this a lame fucking match. Too long, nothing but punchy-punchy, Taker overselling everything. End game was when Show countered Old School by pulling Taker off the ropes and into his fist for the Knockout Punch. Taker staggered around and finally tried to stand up, and Show did another Knockout Punch to the back of Taker’s head.

Post-Segment 3: Taker got his wits about him enough to stand and motion for Show to Just Bring It again, perhaps not realizing the match was over. Show taunted him a bit, started to leave, then tried to do a cheap Knockout Punch. Taker dodged it, punched Show a few times to send him out of the ring. Show looked offended, but laughed it off as he left.

Segment 4 [Singles Match for the Divas’ Title]: Maryse defeats Gail Kim, and retains. Match wasn’t as good as last week’s, but it wasn’t horrible. Gail busted out a nice spot, getting Maryse in the corner, and lifting her up so she sat on the top rope. Gail climbed to the top, then did a huracanrana, sending Maryse flying. This one made me catch my breath, because Gail’s head and neck almost didn’t clear the canvas. Luckily, she landed okay.

Maryse had a nice spot, starting when she turned chickenshit and tried running away. Gail exited the ring and threw her back in, then hopped up on the apron to get in the ring. Before Gail was all the way in, Maryse grabbed her head, then did sorta-DDT that basically dropped Gail’s throat on the bottom rope, sending her rebounding outside. Ouch.

Maryse dragged Gail back into the ring at that point, then hit her signature DDT, which apparently is called the “French Kiss.” Maryse also did what I assume is a trademark pin, where she basically laid on Gail while humping her leg. If only we can see My Melina do that next week…

Segment 5: Jeff is… somewhere… and cuts a stupid promo against Matt that’s supposed to simulate his deranged mind, with silly lighting and every word spoken like he’s constipated and trying to get rid of that large, hard chunk of stool. Sigh.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: MVP defeats Chavo Guerrero by pin. Match was practically a squash, not worth writing about.

Post-Segment 6: Dolph Ziggler appears giving a sarcastic clap. He blathers, but finally gets to declaring his intention to win the US Championship from MVP next week on SmackDown. It takes him a good two minutes to, essentially, speak one sentence. Sigh again.

Segment 7: Normally I don’t recap recaps per OO Standard Policy, but it has a clause that I can recap recaps of crap no one bothered to recap (or give a shit about) due to being on a no-name crappy E-show, like WWE Superstars. To wit: Todd Grisham interviewed John Cena about the Con-chair-to shot. Cena got into uber-serious mode, speaking in quiet tones to explain that the Con-chair-to shot proves that this Cena/Edge rivalry is at its zenith. He looks like he’s about to cry as he says that they “manufactured each other’s careers; it’s the WWE version Yankees/Red Sox!” Whatever, Johnny.

Cena continues the parallel and gives the hypothetical that the two MLB teams would face each other one more time, and whether the players would risk anything to have that game and try to win the rivalry with finality. Cena says that’s how serious this Last Man Standing match is to each him and Edge.

Cena continues to blather, going into hyper-intense mode and saying “this match is going to be awesome and decisive” about six different ways. He hits his punch line (“After that match, there will only be one man… left… standing!”), then walks away.

Tres sigh.

Segment 8 [Tag Match]: Shane McMahon & Batista defeat Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase. Match was meh… The heels tried double-teaming a lot, and there was a bit of misdirection with Shane accidentally bashing Bats in the face. The faces argued as Cody tried a move to Shane’s back from the top rope; Bats shoved Shane out of the way, caught Cody in midair, and dropped him into a spinebuster behind the ref’s back. Shane quickly made the cover, and it was over.

Recommendation: Meh. You’d really never know this was the last night before a PPV, and there really wasn’t anything in the way of true entertainment here. Take a pass.