Still, Matt goes on, as long as Jeff fans are still around, WWE will never be cleansed of the stain that Jeff’s hair dye has left on it, or something… so Matt demands that Jeff comes down, apologizes to everyone for being an “extreme disappointment,” then quit wrestling forever, else he’ll be beaten into submission; specifically, he’ll beat him until he needs to be taken out on a stretcher.

Jeff comes out, charges the ring, and has no words for his brother, instead opting for violence. Matt bails, and heads up the ramp, with Jeff not pursuing. Teddy Long’s (!) music hits, who says he’s the GM of SmackDown again (I think). He wisely points out that with the WWE draft on Monday, there’s a chance the brothers will be split. That would be a shame, so he plays on Matt’s earlier promise of sending Jeff out on a stretcher by making a stretcher match for tonight. Woot?

Segment 2: Eve Torres interviews Kofi Kingston in the back, who says that WrestleMania was absolutely awesome, bruddah! He’s so totally gonna shock the world by beating Big Show tonight! Right now as a matter of fact!

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Kofi Kingston by pin. Match was decent, with Kofi showing like he could cause some amount of damage… until he was punched out of the air from a top rope move. That knockout punch did it, and the world is definitely not shocked.

Pre-Segment 4: Santino hits the ring and reminds us of the misadventures of Santina Marella, and that “she” isn’t the only Marella WWE should be afraid of. So, he gives an open challenge to everyone in the locker room for a match to prove his prowess!

Enter Khali and Translator, the latter of whom is growing mutton chops that, if left unchecked, will begin to make his face look like a bathtub hair catcher. Translator tells Santino not to worry: Khali doesn’t want to fight him. Santino smiles and starts to leave the ring immediately. “…On one condition!” says Translator. And of course, we all know where this is going: Khali wants Santino to hook him up with his sister for the Khali Kiss Cam.

Santino refuses, tells that him that his sister so totally wouldn’t be into him, and wouldn’t like his bad breath either. Translator: “Wrong answer!” Wuh oh.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Khali (w/ Translator) squashes Santino Marella by pin. It took me longer to type the segment title than it did for the match to actually happen.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Gail Kim defeats Michelle McCool by pin. Match was sloppy overall, but good lord did Gail take a couple bumps that made me cringe. I mean, sure, I’m biased… but at one point, both girls found themselves on the apron. Michelle smacked Gail to double over in pain, facing away; Michelle then kicked her ass, literally, sending Gail flying. Gail basically nosedived off the apron, smashing her shoulder into the ring post on the way down to the floor. As she lay there, Michelle did her version of the Punt Kick of Doom, booting Gail’s head against the barricade.

Back in the ring, some back-and-forthy action saw Gail getting a hope spot as she climbed to the top rope for an… er… I guess an elbow drop, but who the hell knows. It whiffed, and Gail landed directly on her tailbone and lower spine. Ouch! Michelle covered her, or tried to, but Gail did an awkward counter to pin Michelle.

Segment 6: After a commercial, Edge is in the ring for his Cutting Edge segment. He starts off solo, addressing that he expected “the biggest win of [his] life” at WrestleMania, but of course lost the title. Or rather, “it was stolen from” him, by his guest tonight.

No further adieu, here comes John Cena, being the normal-bouncy self to Edge’s uncharacteristically stoic posture. After preening a bit, Cena makes himself comfortable on the second stool in the ring.

Edge recognizes that there are (allegedly) tons of Cena fans here tonight, but he called for this Cutting Edge stuff for the chance to talk to Cena alone. Edge admits his love affair for the title, that it’s his life and passion, and that Cena stole it. Cena stands for no reason (taking insult to the “stole it” comment I guess), and Edge immediately tells him to plant his ass on that stool.

Cena loses his joyous attitude, and decides to actually be real for once, saying that Edge lost rather than him stealing anything. Cena then starts to leave.

Edge declares that Cena ruined his life. Cena laughs at that, then pulls up the stool closer to Edge for a conversation. Cena rightly asks how long they’re going to keep doing this silliness, because with as long as the feud has been going, they’ve always topped themselves and each other for the fans delight. Cena sums up by saying that instead of Edge hyping that, he tries to play a child’s game of blaming Cena for ruining his life. Cena lets that sink in for a moment, then says that if that’s all Edge has to say, Cena’s time is being wasted.

Cena starts to leave, and Edge tells him that he hates him. Edge pauses, but explains further that despite that “hate” is a strong word, he really does hate everything about Cena (including the “Cenation, pronounced “seen-nation”, which is the last time you’ll see that word on OO). Edge declares that at Backlash, the rivalry and this hatred will be put to bed because the loser will have been beaten so badly, they can’t stand. “And the one left standing, will be me.”

Cena runs back to Edge to scream “No!” into the mic, then pauses to absorb a chant. Cena says that Edge may be smarter or a better wrestler, but that he is getting desperate for the title; that a Last Man Standing match is all about punishment, that Cena is and always has been tougher, which is the real reason Edge hates him, that Cena has gotten up from everything Edge threw at him over the years and from all the matches.

Then Cena derails that awesome exchange by being an idiot, telling Edge to punch him in the face to prove how totally tough he is. Cena even locks his hands behind his back, offering his forehead as a target. Edge draws back a fist, but pusses out and leaves. Cena shakes his head as Edge retreats; Edge looks back at Cena at the stage as Cena holds the title above his head.

Wow… that was good, until the stupidness at the very end. Probably one of the best exchanges Cena has had in awhile.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase defeat Carlito & Primo by pin. Match was decent, as usual, but nothing amazing. Ending of the match saw Carlito on the top rope, and DiBiase (illegal) jumped on the apron and grabbed his arm, dropping down to snap the arm across the ropes. Cody immediately followed that up with the “Cross-Rhodes,” a reverse spinning neckbreaker.

Post-Segment 6: Generation Douche continued to smack around the faces, and Randy Orton eventually came down to kick them around some more. Orton held up the arms of his boy toys in victory.

Segment 7: Oh god, Orton and the others haven’t left the ring yet. He gives us an update on the six-man tag match at Backlash, which apparently has had the nonsensical added stipulation of being for the WWE Championship. See, if any of the faces wins, Trips retains the title; if any of the heels wins, Orton gets the title. Further, that includes any wins or losses by countout or DQ. That’s, well, really fucking stupid.

It takes him a good five minutes to drone about it, despite the fact that Jim Ross and Todd Grisham talked about this half an hour ago in a mindless, throwaway statement.

Segment 8 [Singles Stretcher Match]:

Match was of course spotty: the first inventive spot happened with the first “near fall,” when Matt had Jeff up the ramp and halfway across the finish line. Jeff fought him off, and hopped off the stretcher when it started to tip. Matt rolled to the bottom of the ramp, and Jeff put the stretcher back up on its wheels. Then, he stood on it, and basically surfed it down toward Matt, leaping off with a crossbody at the last moment. The whole thing looked scary as hell and not too awkward, and they both pulled it off convincingly.

The second major spot came halfway along the match. The stretcher was setup properly at the end of the ramp, and Matt was leaning against the end closest to the ring. Jeff went to the top rope, leapt over Matt to catch the very end of the stretcher, essentially using it as a catapult to smash Matt in the nose.

The third major spot happened shortly after, where Jeff put Matt on a different stretcher that was placed in a similar position but closer to the ring. Jeff got to the top rope and went for a Swanton Bomb, but Matt dodged, and Jeff found himself flat on his back on the stretcher.

Matt tried pushing Jeff up the ramp, but Jeff kept fighting. Matt tried several times to punch him several times, but Jeff still kept fighting. Matt eventually smashed Jeff in the head with the chair to keep Jeff still, then pushed him the rest of the way up. After getting the stretcher across the finish line and officially winning the match, Matt pushed the stretcher back down the ramp, letting it crash into the apron.

Recommendation: Decent. Not a lot of stories were going on, probably due to the draft in a few days that will realign the rosters, but what was here was at least entertaining. Cena, as usual, shows that he’s not bad behind the mic until he turns on that retarded faux intensity, and he always verbally jousts well with Edge. While I’m not exactly looking forward to more matches for that feud, I’m not rolling my eyes like I am when confronted with more Orton/Trips stupidity.