Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Edge defeats Kofi Kingston by submission. Decent match, and I had a slight glimmer of hope that Kofi would actually pull it off 90% through when Kofi hopped over an attempted Spear and countered with a victory roll. It was all for naught: when Kofi tried his jumping roundhouse finisher, Edge caught his leg, then locked him in the Sharpshooter. Kofi tried fighting it out and reaching for the ropes, but no dice; he had to tap.

Guess the whole “face Shelton Benjamin, marginal midcarder, over heel Triple H, automatic main eventer” match ending is still a one-time thing.

Segment 2 [Tag Match for the World Tag Team titles]: John Morrison & Miz defeat Carlito & Primo (w/ the Bella Twins) by pin, and retain. Match was all right, but I’m a little bored of seeing these two teams fight. Match ended with Morrison hitting his twisty falling neckbreaker… “The Moonlight Drive,” Jim Ross said, I think?

After the match, the heels left with the Twins. One Twin, as usual, didn’t look very impressed with the winners. The other didn’t seem to care and was happy that she was following the gold, or something. I’d credit that to the WWE “Creative” Team being witty and setting something up for a future split of the Twin team… but no one cares that much about them, and the “Creative” Team isn’t that clever anyway.

Judgment in favor of Bad And Inconsistent Acting. Case closed.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: Shelton Benjamin & Chavo Guerrero defeat MVP & R-Truth by pin. Damn, SB even made R-Truth look good. Seriously, if I was in a match with SB, he could make me look like I could end the Undertaker’s streak. (Let’s not dwell on the fact that Taker has more muscles in his left testicle than I do in my entire body.)

Match was decent, with SB being an ass to Chavo at the start of the match, refusing tags; after all, these four are in the Money in the Bank match, and MVP let Chavo get a bit softened up. Still, SB eventually decided to enter the match, and the heels never looked back. Sure, things got sticky with a hope spot here and there as R-Truth played FIP, but MVP wound up eating the Paydirt and a took a pin a minute later.

Segment 4: We’re finally getting to a non-match segment! Very unusual in this day and age of WWE…

Matt blathers about Jeff having a terrible life and will continue to do so until they fight. Now, I know Matt isn’t exactly known to cut a Rock-caliber promo, but this one was a snoozer; it took him a good three minutes to blather about how Jeff wallows in self-depression and Matt has to rescue him. Thing is, Matt blathered it in the least emotional voice ever (think Keanu Reeves), thus destroying any shred of acting credibility (or interest) the promo had.

The monologue turns a little interesting in an extremely creepy way, as Matt pulls a dog collar out of his pocket and sniffs it. Yes, this is the same collar Jeff’s dog wore when it died from the house fire that was, according to Matt, so totally an accident. Holy shit. Still, minus points for Matt continuing on in the least emotional voice ever.

Jeff finally comes out for that, though without his music or pyros. Once in the ring, Jeff circles Matt - ironically like a dog - and snatches the mic out of his hand. Jeff also asks in the least emotional voice ever whether Matt did all the “accidents” (“Dude, you tried to blow me up!”). Jeff starts to cry, realizes that he can’t fake tears as well as anger, and just grits his teeth as he challenges Matt’s sanity. Jeff declares that he too is mentally unstable, then tackles and beats the shit out of Matt. By which I mean, punches him like two times.

Matt bails, and as he crawls away, he apologizes like a pussy and says he won’t fight him, that their brotherly love is just too strong. Jeff doesn’t pursue as Matt heads up the ramp… and the conveniently placed camera shows that Matt smiles rather evilly before going all the way to the back.

Pre-Segment 5: My Melina? Twice in one week? AND WEARING LEOPARD-PRINT CLOTHES??? Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

Segment 5 [Tag Match]: My Melina & Maria defeat Maryse & Michelle McCool by pin. My Melina may be the marshmallow in my s’more, but good lord was this match lame. Maria still can’t wrestle for shit (not for lack of trying), Michelle’s abilities seem to have taken a total nosedive, Maryse couldn’t sell this time around if her life depended on it, and My Melina’s contribution was pretty much relegated to a clothesline, headlock, and small package. Sigh… My fault for expecting better, I suppose.

At the end of the match, while Melina had Maryse in the headlock, Maryse reached for a tag to Michelle. Michelle, however, refused to tag, sorta like Shelton Benjamin did earlier. This of course makes absolutely no sense and has zero build-up and motivation, but it led directly to the heels’ loss. After the match, Maryse and Michelle brawled because of it; the crowd apathy smelled stronger than Mark Henry’s jockstrap.

Two fun facts: all players in this match had names that started with M, and Michelle’s hair absolutely looks like a wig anymore. These facts combined were more fun than the match itself, and clearly My Melina has a better skill set than that.

Segment 6: In the office, Edge is freaking out to Chavo about the whole John Cena debacle from last Monday. Edge demands rhetorically why Vickie would cheat on him since he’s so totally faithful and loving *cough* wedding planner *cough*, and Chavo responds that he doesn’t know what’s up with her or why she keeps calling him for life advice.

Edge, naturally, flips, thinking that Chavo is banging his own aunt-in-law. While holding Chavo by the throat, he declares that no one will take his title. Then Edge leaves, with Chavo remaining to figure out what the hell the point of that was (along with the rest of us who don’t give a shit about this storyline).

Segment 7 [Singles Match, winner goes to Money in the Bank]: Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle) defeats Brian Kendrick (w/ Ezekiel Jackson) by pin. Match was decent, with Zeke distracting Finlay the whole way. Actually, right before the match officially started, Zeke punched Finlay in the face; talk about helping out the team. Not helping matters was Kendrick’s fucking stiff kicks from bell to bell, giving him way more credibility than just a guy who did flippy stuff.

Still, it wasn’t enough for Kendrick, as he wound up eating a Celtic Cross after being flung into the corner. Hornswoggle never got involved, but Zeke could just openly break Finlay’s efforts, and eventually Kendrick was worn down.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Undertaker defeats Vladimir Kozlov by pin. In a rematch from two weeks ago, these two do not disappoint. The first two-thirds of the match saw both guys up a notch in speed from their normal pace, with Taker doing pretty much all the damage. At the turn however, Kozlov fought back with primarily striking offense (although even that was faster than they usually do), and we had Taker needing a hope spot.

Kozlov kept up the offense with a sleeper, though Taker broke out before it got too long (a la Randy Orton). Kozlov floored him and re-applied the hold, but Taker managed to escape permanently the second time. Taker attempted his big boot-and-flippy clothesline combo, but Kozlov countered that with a charging headbutt. Taker broke the attempted pin… then did the Zombie Sit-up. And you know no one comes back from that!

Taker punched Kozlov in the face, then attempted Old School. The commentators brought up that it was that move that led to his loss last time, but Kozlov didn’t counter this time around and took the hit. As he stood up, Taker quickly followed up with a chokeslam (which Kozlov took like a champ). Taker did a throat slash, and as Kozlov searched for his trachea, Taker finished things off with a Tombstone Piledriver. Kozlov’s got two losses now!

Taker stands triumphant in the ring - his ring - as we fade out to the news.

Recommendation: Runs the gamut. Taker’s match was great, the somewhat random tag match was fun, and the Kendrick match was entertaining. The rest… well, the less said the better.

I still can’t fathom why the whole blackmail angle is going anywhere considering that Cena didn’t fulfill his end of the bargain, thus showing a) Vickie’s character is a total moron, and b) the WWE “Creative” Team is going to shoehorn Cena into every main event for the rest of forever, which makes me sad.

The tag team scene, meanwhile… well, there are worse things that can happen than unifying the tag titles. These two teams are about the last ones left that can be taken seriously (unless someone can actually make a compelling argument that Cryme Tyme is actually more than a comedy act), and it’s going to get exceptionally boring seeing them fight a billion more times. Hopefully they figure out the ending to that storyline soon… especially because the less seen the Bella Twins are outside the ropes, the better.

Seeing as I already said my piece about the Hardys, I guess that covers everything. Spore is calling me, so I’ll catch you all early next week for RAW. Have a good weekend!