As far as OO goes, this means I’ll be watching SD “live” instead of four

Segment 1: As promised/threatened, John Cena is here, and he hits the ring. He blathers, wants his rematch with Edge, won’t leave until he gets it.

Edge pops out a few seconds later, and says that he’s tired of being hounded of Cena, so he accepts the match!

And here comes Vickie Guerrero to override him, informing us all that Edge won’t be in action. After soaking up cheers for entirely too long, twice, Vickie says that instead we’re going to see John Cena vs. Big Show. Everyone is shocked by this, evidently forgetting that Cena has beaten Show multiple times, including on two PPVs that he ended in identical ways to get titles: One he beat Show by FU for the US title, and another time at a WrestleMania he beat Show by FU for the WWE Championship. I only remember it because of how lame the identical endings were; free cookie to the first person who tells me what the two PPVs were.

Video Hype: Holy shit, they’re giving a vignette for Gail Kim. Too bad she’s (implied to be) going to SmackDown. If she and Melina could inhabit the same ring… *drool* I think I’ll be clinically unable to type at that point.

Pre-Segment 2: Carlito and Primo hit the ring for a match, and we see a Valentine’s Day clip of Miz and John Morrison’s date with the Bella Twins. It ended with Carlito and Primo disguised as waiters ready to give pies in the faces of the heels… but they miss and hit the Twins instead! Whoops.

Segment 2 [Tag Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles]: Carlito & Primo defeat John Morrison & Miz by pin, and retain. Match was all right, and had a decent finish with its intensity, but nothing these guys haven’t done before. Match ended with a Backstabber.

During the match, the Bella Twins appeared. They didn’t do anything, though they left with the champs afterwards. Guess they only care about the W, huh?

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Vladimir Kozlov defeats Undertaker by pin. Whoa! Match was decent, better than that actually… Match started with some feeling-out light holds, but escalated to more of a power game. Back-and-forth action, with each guy managing to wrest away momentum. In Kozlov’s case, he kept wresting it away the moment Taker tried a signature move. When Taker tried his Triangle Choke, for example, Kozlov blocked it and fired off a couple (queer-looking) headbutts to Taker’s sternum.

Finally Taker went on a tear, starting to hit his own version of Shawn Michaels’s Five Moves of Doom. Taker picked up Kozlov after a running big boot and leg drop, then went for the Old School. Kozlov grabbed Taker however and delivered a stiff powerslam onto the mat whilst Taker was balanced on the top rope. Kozlov hurried to make the pin… and won. Taker and Kozlov made eyes at each other (with Kozlov giving a well-deserved smirk) as they parted.

Segment 4: We supposedly had Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy. Matt comes out to the ring, and then Jeff… but Jeff is dressed in street clothes. Jeff gets a mic, reminds him that they’ve always stayed together and hung in there for each other, through thick and thin. Jeff declares he refuses to fight Matt, ever, because whether Matt likes it or not, they are brothers.

Matt says no, he’s not… and he’ll never get over his little attitude problem. Matt says that he knows Jeff is used to things revolving around him, but this new stance on life is about Matt, his needs, his concerns, his time to reach puberty. And he insults the fans, of course, drawing some cheap heat. Matt further says that he’s upset that Jeff’s career reached the top while his stayed low, even though Matt is totally the better brother. And, naturally, it’s Jeff’s and fans’ fault.

Matt verbally taunts Jeff, wanting to fight him. Jeff refuses, takes a slap for it. Jeff refuses again, takes a backhand slap. Matt readies himself, but Jeff just looks him down as he walks away. And the crowd cheers.

Wow, is that the first time in WWE that someone is actually cheered for walking away?

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Chavo Guerrero defeats Shelton Benjamin by pin. It was sort of a reverse squash: SB did all the damage, but got reversed on a schoolboy. Weird.

MVP was out for guest commentary, and at one point, the fight spilled outside the ring. SB picked up Chavo and gave him a running powerbomb into MVP. This upset MVP enough to make MVP slide in the ring after the match and deliver his little hoppy toe kick that dislocated SB’s jaw and/or pride.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats John Cena by pin. Match was standard Cena fare… Show would do a bunch of slow-paced moves, Cena would do one quick hope spot, and Show would be back in control. Repeat, repeat, repeat, until Cena against all odds gives Big Show an FU out of nowhere!!! AMAZING!!!

…And then Edge came out of nowhere and slid in the ring… then immediately slid out. While Cena tried to figure out what that was all about, Show gave him the Finishing Punch, followed by a chokeslam, and that’s all she wrote.

After the match, Edge yells at Cena’s corpse that it’s his show and his title, so there, Superwigger!

Recommendation: Meh. Only six real segments due to an overwhelming amount of filler, not to mention that all the matches were longer than normal. Still, the stories advanced; the tag scene is stupid (I refuse to believe the Twins can add anything to this feud), but everything else wasn’t bad. Hell, Kozlov’s win over Taker gives him quite a bit of credibility (although I still won’t bet against The Streak), and the Cena/Edge feud continues to stay hot. Matt/Jeff stays intense, and I’m anxious to see where they go with it. And it seems the trade has happened invisibly, with Trips busying himself with Orton on RAW, and Edge seemingly content to just stay on SD (“this is my show!”) with Cena staying with him to torment him. Works for me.

As a personal note, this was the second consecutive week I’ve watched ECW. And while I’m still grateful for my sister-in-flames for dealing with it every week, I’m starting to come around to it. Well, wait, that’s a lie; I’m starting to come around to Jack Swagger and his awesomeness with Captain Charisma. Damn Christian, why can’t you be on the A- or B-show?

Okay, I’m out… I’m tired, I need sleep, and I’ve got more of my Math Test From Hell in the morning. If I see one more Greek letter tonight, my logic will explode out of my pupils.