OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Four-ways First. Ladies Last.
May 16, 2016

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Sorry for missing last week, everybody. But it turns out, last week was the sort of week that makes me wonder if there really might be such a thing as karma. Just when you think things are going really great, BAM!, a bunch of sucky things jsut HAD to happen to balance the ledger.

Specifically, last week started out with my birthday, the Kentucky Derby, and Mother's Day all crammed into the weekend. Free drinks, mint juleps, and getting to show off my cooking skills for my mom (and then eating the results of my cooking skills!) made for a stellar time.

But then, that rare display of massive overconsumption meant I needed a day of moving-at-half-speed to recover (hey, not only did I just turn a year older, but that whole Medical Unpleasantness of 2 years ago means my tract will never be what it once was).

Surely, normalcy would resume by Tuesday, though, right? Nope. I'm not usually an Allergy Person, but some combination of spores, molds, and fungi (with a massive warm-up and moistening of the weather) put be on my ass for two days worth of every cavity and membrane in my head saturated and throbbing in misery.

Feeling fine on Thursday, and that's when UD basketball player Steve McElvene dies. You may have heard/read about it, as 20 year old Division I athletes don't usually up and die. And while I'd probably get pretty sad about any UD player passing away, I have to admit that Big Steve was well on his way to being a real fan favorite (he just finished his first year on the court). But not just because of what he supplied on the court; it was more than that with Big Steve, he was just a good kid that made you proud to have him affiliated with an institution you're affiliated with. And then, he's gone in a flash, due to an enlarged heart. So any plans I had for catching up with a newsbites column over the weekend went up in smoke. I wasn't really in the mood to dance for nickels, and my dour spirits would have showed through in anything I wrote.

But hey, it's a new week, and so the pendulum is bound to swing back the other way, if Karmic Balance is the goal (and it's not just the Cosmos tormenting me)... already today, I just found out that the Frinkiac supercomputer has been upgraded. Now, instead of instantly finding and meme'ing/captioning any Simpsons freeze frame you want, you can do it with an animated GIF! BEHOLD, the power plant of tomorrow, TODAY:

Dig in:

NO BAD GUYS, NO GOOD GUYS, JUST TWO GUYS

No preliminaries, and instead, we do a cold open, inside the Whateveritscalled Arena in Greensboro, NC, with Lilian Garcia back on the job, announcing the arrival of AJ Styles. While he makes an entrance, THAT's when we get our preliminaries, as Cole & The Gang narrate a video package of last week's show-closing confrontation between Styles and Roman Reigns (which ended in stalemate).

Styles opens his comments by stating that he's sick and tired of Reigns spinning a narrative where he (Styles) doesn't even belong in WWE main events, and reminds us of his resume outside of WWE, including headlining TokyoDome shows in front of 60,000 and so forth. Along the way, he actually demands to have Hate Tweets put up on the screen as evidence that SOME people are buying Reigns' narrative.

Because if some random jackasses on Twitter say something, it counts as something. Oy. WWE's insistence of televising tweets just grows more and more annoying, as it's clearly all in the name of goading idiots into tweeting more and more hashtag-WWE garbage in the hopes of seeing their own names on TV (which in turn gives WWE the right to brag about their "twitter ratings," which is just as stupid and useless a thing as 90% of what gets posted on twitter).

I digress. Styles hits a wall after about 45 seconds of talking, and after an awkward pause, Reigns' music hits to bail him out. The two go back and forth about who's lying, who's playing dirty, and who's gonna win on Sunday at Extreme Rules, with neither one coming off as the clearcut good guy. Along the way, Reigns mentions "The Club," and says that HE doesn't need any help, but if Styles wants to run a numbers game on him, "The Bloodline" will have his back.

So make a note: forget "The Family." It's now "The Bloodline." And I hereby set the over/under at number of times Cole & The Gang ham-fistedly try to work the new name into conversation at 717. Based on last week's awful work trying to establish "The Family," I'd probably suggest betting the Over.

Regardless, as if on cue, Styles' designated back-up -- Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson -- choose this moment to come on out and give Reigns a little tasty-taste of what's to come. Styles steps back, awaits their arrival, and when all three men are assembled on the apron, Styles leads a charge at Reigns. Reigns just throws an uppercut that drops Styles... Gallows & Anderson drop down to the floor and Styles rolls out of the ring, while the Usos materialize to ensure that they back away, instead of trying to attack again.

You win this round, The Bloodline. Bloodline, bloodline, bloodlinebloodlinebloodline. BLOODLINE~!

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SAMI ZAYN vs. CESARO

The two babyfaces in Sunday's 4-way IC Title Match face off here... meantime, the two heels -- IC Champ Miz and WWE's Greatest Guest Commentator Kevin Owens -- are sitting in on commentary.

In an amusing juxtaposition, Zayn and Cesaro keep it clean and gentlemanly as they start feeling each other out in the ring. But at the commentary desk, Owens and Miz are being massive snippy bitches, leading up to Owens getting up and attacking Miz. The gentlemen in the Actual Match stop wrestling to watch the guest commentators brawl their asses off at ringside.

But then, the brawl spills into the ring, and Zayn and Cesaro are forced to join in, and the ref is forced to throw it out.

Your Winner: No One, via No Decision, in 90 seconds. Obviously, nothing to see here, as this existed merely as a plot device.... let's see where said plot leads!

After the Match: Shane McMahon comes out on the stage and tells the 4 men to settle down, because their going to give the fans their moneys' worth, one way or another. Shane gets big cheers as he announces the predictable Zayn/Cesaro vs. Owens/Miz tag match. Well, we've already seen it a couple times, but I'm down for a rema.....

HOLD THE PHONE~! Steph's music hits, and she comes on out to point out what I just said: we kinda just saw that tag match on Thursday, and it ended messily due to Miz attacking Owens after the bell. So she's got a different idea: how about Zayn/Owens vs. Cesaro/Miz? The fans like that even better than Shane's idea, and give it a big ol' YES! YES! YES!

Shane admits that IS a pretty neat idea, and says he can't wait to see it. Steph makes it even better, by adding the stipulation that if Owens decides to do his thing where he walks out on his partner, he will be removed from Sunday's IC Title Match. YES! YES! YES!

That Strange Bedfellows tag match is NEXT.....

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SAMI ZAYN/KEVIN OWENS vs. MIZ/CESARO

They kindly waited till we return from break, and then start the match. Immediately, it becomes a game of one-upsmanship, with Zayn and Owens passing Miz around like he's Justin Bieber in a supermax prison. It's fun for all! (Except Miz)

But all good things must come to an end, and in this case, that happens when Maryse manages to create a distraction, causing Zayn to take his eye off Miz and whiff on a corner charge. Zayn tumbles through the ropes, into the ring post, and to the floor.

While Zayn suffers, Miz is already beginning to recover, as we break for...

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Back, and Miz is in complete control, and Cesaro is grudgingly playing along with him as a de facto heel. It's all in the name of positioning ahead of Sunday's 4-way. Cesaro seems able to justify fighting Zayn -- they were scheduled to be one-on-one opponents, afterall -- but that doesn't extend to being friendly with Miz, who keeps doing dirty little cheating moves, while Cesaro expresses displeasure.

One of the little bicker sessions between the two allows Zayn to get separation, and he tags in Owens. Owens actually gets a nice little flurry as the de facto babyface: he's the proverbial House o' Fire as he dominates Miz, leading up to a near fall after a Cannonball.

But then Owens' true nature shines through, and he brags about it to Zayn, allowing Miz to crawl away, and allowing Cesaro to tag himself into the match. That flips things, as Cesaro is now the fiery babyface, and runs the Uppercut Express on Owens, until Owens manages to tag Zayn in, all while Miz reaches in to blind tag HIMself into the match.

WIth Zayn and Miz legal, things break down into a chaotic brawl. Eventually, Miz and Zayn are in the ring, and Miz makes a big show out of calling for The Giant Swing, including gloating to Cesaro (his own partner) that THIS is how it's done. Cesaro is none too happy about this, however, and he jumps into the ring and hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Miz. Poetic Justice.

Both legal men are down, and when they both get to their feet, Miz is slumped in a corner. So Zayn sees his opening and hits the Helluva Kick. Fin.

Your Winners: Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Fun match, with Zayn pinning the IC Champ for added intrigue. I didn't think they could come up with any particularly fresh way to make me more interested in Sunday's match, but they did. Well played.

After the Match: Zayn celebrated his victory over the champ. But only briefly. Owens attacked Zayn, laying him out, and demanding that the ref raise HIS hand, too, since he also won the match. Delightfully dickish!

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THE SHINING STARS vs. TWO UNNAMED JOBBERS

For the record: we're pretending Los Matadores never happened. BUT, we are acknowledging that these are still the Colons, well known to WWE fans and former WWE tag champs, at that. They are back to using Epico and Primo as their names. Also, if their vignettes didn't make it clear, they do some heel mic work before the match to make sure nobody is tempted to cheer them.

But other than that, there's nothing worth entering into the record.

Your Winners: not the jobbers, via pinfall, in under 2 minutes.

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MORE THAN JERICHO BARGAINED FOR...

Dean Ambrose hits the ring, and he's got a lot on his mind after last Thursday's straightjacket attack by Chris Jericho. In turn, Jericho has said he demands an apology from Ambrose at some point tonight, as a result of Ambrose's destruction of his Lite Brite Jacket last Monday. So something's got to give...

To that end, Ambrose basically says that he did not enjoy being tied up last Thursday, and he's not gonna stand for it, so he wants Jericho to get out here so they can settle this thing, RIGHT NOW.

Jericho partially obliges: he comes out, but remains up on the stage, where he says he doesn't care about what Ambrose has to say, unless it's an apology. Sure, the jacket cost $15,000, but Jericho is a multi-millionaire, so it's not really about the money, it's the principle of the matter. Jericho doesn't just want Ambrose to pony up the cash, Jericho wants an apology for the destruction of a true holy relic of WWE history.

Ambrose wastes no time in disabusing Jericho of the notion that there will be any apology. Instead, he turns the tables and says he wants something from Jericho: a match on Sunday.

Jericho yuks it up, because Ambrose is so predictable. Does Ambrose really think Jericho is scared of fighting Ambrose? No, of course not. Ambrose uses "lunatic" as a marketing ploy, but deep down, Jericho is the REAL crazy man of WWE. For 17 years, Jericho has taken everything WWE has thrown at him -- every giant, every monster, every brawler, every olympian, every kind of match -- had he hasn't just survived, he's THRIVED. So fine: Ambrose can have a match on Sunday. Jericho doesn't sweat any fake-crazy dirtbag like Ambrose.

Now it's Ambrose's turn to chuckle. Because you see, Jericho sent Ambrose to the hospital last Thursday, so on Sunday, Ambrose is gonna return the favor by taking Jericho to....

THE ASYLUM~!

So, they're going to fight in front of 280 rednecks at the Nashville Fairgrounds? LOL TNA SUX RETRO-ZINGER~!

I keed. Rather, a steel cage begins dropping from the ceiling, and it's not just any cage. It's painted black, and it has various foriegn objects scattered across the top of it. Some of them are obvious enough; the kind of things that always get dragged out from under the ring (kendo sticks, fire extinguishers). But some others are very specific to this feud, including a straightjacket, and Mitch v2.0 (yes, a brand new potted plant will be part of this match).

Ambrose actually does a KILLER promo explaining the match. He channels some genuinely off-kilter insanity as he explains his motivation, and is also spot-on as he slyly works in the rules of the match, without it seeming like stilted exposition. The show may be "Extreme Rules," but this match is NO rules, and it's no escape to a finish inside the cage. Ambrose closes with a threat that this time, it's Jericho who will never, ever be the same, agayn. And Jericho sells it with an appropriate amount of apprehension.

The only problem: the whole time Ambrose was cutting this intense and deadly serious promo, WWE insisted on over-laying it with incredibly lame horror movie soundtrack music, robbing it of all gravitas, and making me wonder who the hell looked at this segment, and decided "Hey, this is actually good. Let's ruin it by adding stupid music." Honestly, I'm dying to know how that even happens.

Per usual, WWE's asinine presentational issues annoy me to no end, but I'm up to about 18 years of bitching about their ineptitude when it comes to a maintaining a believable narrative POV and all those fourth-wall issues, so I don't see any reason to waste my breath again. We'll all forget it ever happened by Sunday, and only be forced to remember the problem the next time it happens in a few months....

Otherwise, a perfectly serviceable verbal spat to finalize their match at the PPV, and to add a twist to the standard cage match.

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BECKY LYNCH vs. DANA BROOKE

A week ago, Dana made her main roster debut, joining Emma in a revival of their NXT partnership. The two attacked Becky, and it seemed that Becky was once again on the short end of a numbers game... WWE went so far as teasing that Becky would be bringing in a special new partner of her own, but then Emma got hurt at a house show over the weekend.

Now, Emma is out for a bit, and Becky gets a one-on-one shot at Dana, and that whole new partner thing will have to wait.

Standard formula here: Becky with the hot start, Dana takes a powder to regroup, the tide turns, and Dana uses her size and strength to do a few minutes of heel beatdown, then Becky makes her big comeback.

After an exploder suplex gets a convincing near fall for Becky, she heads up top. Dana catches her, they jockey for position, and when Becky tries to flip into a pinning combo, Dana rolls through into a sloppy pin of her own. Huh.

Your Winner: Dana Brooke, via pinfall, in about 4 minutes. I dunno if this would have been my play, but I also don't know what the deal is with Emma. If she's only gonna be out a week or two, then fine, because Dana's only real purpose on the roster is as Emma's muscle, and this just keeps things simmering for the short term. [Based on her NXT performances, no one's really clammoring to see her on the main roster; if she couldn't make a positive impression in NXT, other than a brief run as Emma's sidekick, then I'm not seeing how you expect anything different on RAW/SD.] But if there is no Emma for a while, then the play is to let Becky win, quietly sweep it under the rug, and then reboot it when Emma's ready. The match on Thursday flopped with Emma helping; it went over like a fart in church again tonight, because fans ain't buying NXT's 7th string Charlotte-ish lady body builder suddenly showing up on TV as a competent in-ring threat.

Or maybe I'm just a mark for Becky, and thus, this outcome made me sad.

But probably mostly the first thing.

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Making Darren Great Again: a repeat of Thursday's Darren Young/Bob Backlund segment, in which Backlund makes Young do squats for not wearing a watch. Trust me, it may sound silly, but it works.

Backstage: Steph saunters up to Shane, and is all faux friendly and passive aggressive as she asks what's up with that whole Asylum Match thingie. I mean, it's totally a great idea and stuff, but also, why didn't Shane run it by her first? Shane says, Hey, all that matters is that it IS a good idea, right? Shane didn't gripe when Steph made that tag match earlier, without running it past him first, so what's the big deal?

Steph has no time to muster an argument, because that's when the Dudleys interrupt, and say that they couldn't help but notice the Shining Stars got a couple of scrawny North Carolina local boyz handed to them on a silver platter, earlier tonight. The Duds figure they've put in the time, so they deserve the same chance to show off against little North Carolina Boyz.

Shane and Steph parrot that "North Carolina Boyz" phrase a couple more times, to the extent that you ALMOST start to think TNA's ineptitude and financial insolvency has resulted in the Hardys becoming premature free agents. But nope, they're just teasing the Dudleys, because there will be no squash match against locals.

Instead of "little guys," the Dudleys will have to deal with a big guy. A guy who's seven-foot tall. And you can't teach that. Shane tells the Duds to "go caucus" and figure out which one of them wants a singles match against Big Cass later tonight. Nice.

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GOLDEN TRUTH vs. FANDANGO/TYLER BREEZE

Goldust and R-Truth are finally together, as a result of the double back-stab on Thursday (Breeze turned on Truth, Fandango turned on Goldust). But their debut doesn't go so well.

Truth does an ultra-time-compressed face in peril bit. A whole 90 seconds into the match, he makes the hot tag to Goldust, it breaks down into a four-way brawl, and in the chaos, Truth accidentally takes out Goldust with a spinkick. Breeze is there to make the quick cover to take advantage of the miscue.

Your Winners: "BreezeDango," via pinfall, in 2 minutes. Not what you'd expect, but hey, fans are already vested in the idea of the Golden Truth.... but by flipping the script, this suddenly becomes a back-door launch for BreezeDango, who could be a pretty cool team in their own right.

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Backstage: Goldust is sulking after the loss, but Truth is there to pep talk him. "Hey dawg, this was our first match, let's not make it our last match, let's just work out the kinks, instead." Truth talks about feng shui and shakras, but Goldust isn't sold until Breeze and Fandango pop in to mock them for being losers. All of a sudden, Goldust is on the same page as Truth, and wants to regroup to beat BreezeDango, so c'mon partner, let's work this out! Awwww, yay for friendship.

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FRIDGE BOX TIME MACHINE

We return from commercials to find a giant.... ummmmmm.... THING in the middle of the ring, covered in a black sheet. But fret not! Whatever's under the sheet will probably be pretty cool, because DON'T BE SOUR, FEEL THE POWER!

The New Day are here, which means they put it there.

Standard patter about breakfast cereals and their many benefits to kick things off. But then, the New Day get a bit melancholy. Big E says that on Sunday, they're facing a team from a Bygone Era, and Kofi wishes he could see that Bygone Era for himself, because maybe the Vaudevillains are actually onto something. You never know until you try, but sadly, the New Day have no way of seeing things the Vaudevillains way.

OR DO THEY~!~?????~!

Eggsavier Woods says he's got just the thing. He removes the sheet from the Giant Thing, and reveals a refrigerator box, with various markings, knobs, dials, tubes attached. Woods says it's something he built; a New Day-lorean! You know, a Time Machine!

Big E is all serious and doesn't believe it. But Kofi is a man of whimsy, and with Woods, they finally convince E to give it a try. The three of them step into the box, and all of a sudden, wacky sounds and special camera effects kick in. Welp, so much for it taking "a few months" before WWE did THAT again.... REAL LIFE DOES NOT HAVE A SOUNDTRACK OR SPECIAL EFFECTS, DAMMIT, and the appeal of pro wrestling is that it happens IN FRONT OF US, in THE SAME REAL WORLD AS US. Embrace that unique appeal, instead of doing nonsense that makes it impossible to watch wrestling without feeling vaguely ashamed. Leave that degree of awfulness to Lucha Underground, dammit! Some of us like being able to say "Hey, wrestling is predetermined, but it isn't FAKE, you MORON!" but sometimes, you make it oh-so-hard to put the haters in their place.

At least this time, the WWE defense is easier, because we're not SUPPOSED to be taking this segment seriously. This time. This time, only.

Mid-cheesy-effects, there is a sudden interruption, as Kofi's old music fires up, and he steps out of the Fridge Box Time Machine and starts cutting a promo in his old Jamaican accent. There's Trouble in Paradise, mon! But then, Woods gets out and declares they didn't go back far enough, and starts dragging Kofi back into the machine. "Nooooooooooo, 2009 was my best year!" says Kofi as he disappears back into the box.

Then, the cheesy effects stop, and we go to plain black and white, as the New Day step out of the box with fake moustaches (kind of, Kofi's apparently fell off). They take a look at this "bygone era," and upon further review, the Vaudevillains are morons. This era is the worst. Kofi is holding an old-tymey phone, and says there's no way he could carry this around with him all day. Woods wants to know where are the videogames. Wait, there are no videogames? NOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

Big E is the most perplexed of all, and does not know what to make of this "Derriere Squares" brand breakfast cereal that's he's conveniently holding. Heh.

In total, they all agree This Place Sucks, and that the only thing that can save this era is the fact that, in any timeline, the New Day are the DOUBLE-YOU DOUBLE-YOU EEEEEE....

And then the Vaudevillains attack them from behind before they can finish. Smartly, Gotch takes out Woods and English takes out Kofi on the first attack, which allows them to double team Big E. Big E eats the steel ring post, and he's out. Combo neckbreaker on Woods. Combo powerbomb on Kofi.

And just like that, the Vaudevillains have decimated the New Day less than a week before their tag title match at Extreme Rules.

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THE USOS (w/ Roman Reigns) vs. LUKE GALLOWS & KARL ANDERSON (w/ AJ Styles)

This isn't exactly a fresh match-up, as these six have been in 6-man tag matches, elimination matches, and this is even the third time they've done this tag match on TV. Let's see what they do to keep it fresh... for starters, the Usos are clearly downplaying the kid-friendly neon, and are rocking black/dark facepaint. Hmmmm.

That said, they are still the narrative babyfaces, as they get off to the formulaic flashy hot start, at the expense of Anderson. It reaches the point where Anderson has to bail out of the ring. The Club huddle up, and as soon as Anderson dives back into the ring, he does so in his own corner, and tags Gallows into the match.

The big man instantly takes control, and Jey Uso finds himself trapped in the wrong part of town. It's a relatively short-lived state of affairs, however, as this is only a Level One Decoy Beatdown... after about 3-4 minutes, Jey gets separation, and makes a tag to Jimmy. Quick flurry for him, but when the match spills out of the ring, Jimmy notices AJ Styles lurking uncomfortably nearby, and turns to check him.

In response, Reigns saunters over, and before you know it, all 6 men are staring each other down at ringside. Break in the action means we break for....

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Back, and Jimmy's still on defense for a few moments. But when Gallows whiffs on a corner charge, Jimmy's able to get to his corner for the Genuine Hot Tag. Anderson in on the corresponding move. Jey's heat sequence builds to a Steamboat Style Crossbody for a convincing near fall. When Jey heads up top, however, Anderson catches him and hooks him for a superplex attempt. Jey blocks it and shoves Anderson to the mat. Jey descends, but walks right into an Anderson Brand Spinebuster for a near fall.

Anderson can't follow up, and runs into a superkick by Jimmy. Gallows has to come in to break up the fall, and we get a Pier Four Brawl. The Usos win it, demonstrating superior teamwork, eliminating Gallows with stereo superkicks, before Jimmy finishes it off with a Superfly Splash.

Your Winners: the Usos, via pinfall, in 10 minutes. Nothing much to it. Pre-ad-break was pure formula, but post-ad-break was reasonably fast-paced -- but time-compressed -- End Game. The Usos relatively clean win was pretty anticlimactic, but doesn't do anything to detract from the overall appeal of the Reigns/Styles feud.

After the Match: Reigns joined the Usos for a celebration, which was cut short by G&A and Styles. The sneak attack breaks in favor of The Bloodline, until Styles dives outside to grab a steel chair. The Usos and G&A powder out, and Styles decides it's time to quit playing nice: he winds up and swings the chair at Reigns, but Reigns sneaks another uppercut in before the chair lands.

Now, it's Reigns' turn to resort to desperation tactics, as he eyeballs the chair. He gives in to the dark side, and uses it to whap Styles across the back. The crowd, which sounded fairly evenly split up to this point, decide to shower Reigns with boos. More importantly, G&A decide to come to the resuce.... while the Usos also rematerialize to take them out, it's also more than enough to get AJ back into the fight.

Styles uses the chair to chop Reigns down to size, and then, for his final trick, he hoists Reigns up, and he hits the Styles Clash onto the chair. Nice.

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BIG CASS vs. DEVON DUDLEY (w/ Bubba Dudley)

Cass prefaces the match with a promo in which he compares Devon to Urkel, and Bubba to Fred Flintstone. And while *I* get the reference, I think Cass' use of stuttering to mock Bubba is probably lost on 80% of today's WWE audience.

Then, the Dudleys have heard enough, so their music hits and interrupts Cass before he can do his catchphrase. Bad idea, Dudleys.

Even with Bubba trying to run interference, Cass drops Devon with the East River Crossing in under 90 seconds. Domination.

Your Winner: Big Cass, via pinfall, in very short order. And then, he treats us to a spelling lesson, afterall. S-A-W-F-T~!

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KALISTO vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO (Non-Title Match)

THe League of Nations imploded and broke up quite spectacularly, so that's why ADR is flying solo. But why is Sin Cara absent? It could be as simple as the good guys playing by the rules... but it also seemed like Sin Cara was annoyed at Kalisto's involvement in his match back on SD (if you go by body language), so who knows?

Opening moments are your basic Clash of Styles, with Kalisto showing a speed/agility move, then ADR showing a size/strength move, lather, rinse, and repeat.

Thing is, after 3 or 4 repetitions, one of those things will wear the other guy down more than the other. So ADR finds himself with a nominal advantage when the match spills out of the ring. On the floor, he busts things wide open, and gains a huge advantage by flinging Kalisto into the ringside barricade with great prejudice. Ouch.

Del Rio gloats, Kalisto writhes, and we break for....

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Back, and del Rio is still firmly in control. While he does briefly utilize the dreaded chinlock, it lasts barely 20 seconds before Kalisto fires up, and ADR has to resort to more dynamic offense, including kicks and top rope strikes.

In the middle of the beatdown, we cut away to backstage, where Sin Cara is watching the match on a monitor, but is suddenly attacked from behind by Rusev. Meantime, del Rio pins Kalisto against the ropes and forces him to watch the attack on the Tron. So, uhhhhhh, ADR and Rusev ARE still pals? I guess I can buy that; their break-up more or less seemed to be the two of them both getting upset at Sheamus....

Anyway, after that cut scene, ADR figures it's time to finish things off, and he sets up for his top rope double stomp.... however, he takes way too much time posturing and taunting, so Kalisto is able to knock ADR's leg out from under him. ADR is crotched on the top rope, and Kalisto turns it into a top rope rana.

That nets him a near fall, and then he launches into a flashy heat sequence.... but at the same time, Rusev drags Sin Cara out towards the ring, beating on him the whole way. When Rusev starts ramming Sin Cara into the ring post, the distraction finally proves to be too much; Kalisto goes over to try to help, and ADR snags him from behind with the Backstabber.

Your Winner: Alberto del Rio, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Standard fare, but with enough moving parts that it was not without intrigue. On the surface, this is great heel heat for Rusev and ADR, setting the stage for a title change on Sunday, and the possibility of a Rusev/ADR tag match for Thursday's SD. Bubbling under the surface, Sin Cara may blame Kalisto for his loss last Thursday, and Kalisto could conceivably claim that his attempt to help Sin Cara cost him THIS match, too. With the tag division over-flowing with talent, the Lucha Dragons may be best served by breaking up.

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LADIES LAST?

OK, so on one hand, this is WWE doing that stupid lame thing where we get a Main Event Contract Signing. But on the other, it's a contract signing for a Women's Title Match. OW, MY BRAIN HURTS~! Do I bitch about how this show needs MORE WRESTLING, especially as a main event? Or do I gloat about how the Women's Division is finally being taken seriously?

It's almost like WWE is daring the wankers to have a collective self-contradictory meltdown, or something. Luckily, I'm not a wanker, and am thus immune to the attempted paradoxical feedback loop!

Shane and Stephanie are set up in the ring (with a dainty little coffee table, not the full banquet-style folding table that the MEN get to use), and briefly mess around with the pro-Shane, anti-Steph fan reactions. But then, Steph decides it's time to get down to business by bringing out the WWE Women's Cha....

But "Theme from 2001" interrupts her, and Ric Flair hits the stage to do his own introduction of his daughter, Charlotte. The Flairs get to the ring, and Charlotte cockily asks, "I can't wait for Sunday. Where do I sign?" Before we do that, though, Shane says we're one person short, and brings out Natalya. Nattie hits the ring, and is just as anxious for Sunday...

But first, Nattie just wants to say a few things, because she can't wait for Sunday, but deep down, this really isn't the match she wanted. Because she remembers a time when Charlotte was a formidable opponent (tm, Colbert) and a worthy champion. Back at the first NXT Takeover, Charlotte beat Nattie for the NXT Women's Title, and she did it without her creepy father's help. ["Boo," says the partisan NC crowd.] Nattie forges ahead, though, and says it's all true: THAT Charlotte was somebody Nattie could respect, and Nattie wishes she could face THAT Charlotte on the WWE Stage. THAT's the match she wishes could happen. But that Charlotte's apparently gone for good, so she'll take what she can get,and that means beating whichever Charlotte shows up on Sunday and taking the WWE Women's Title.

Nattie signs the contract, with a smile.

Charlotte decides that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and decides to say a few words of her own, before signing. And she actually does a great job screwing with the partisan NC crowd. It's not like they are unanimously cheering for her, or anything, but it's probably a 60/40 split in Charlotte's favor. And Charlotte is a woman who takes her job seriously, and she knows her job is to get booed by as close to 100% of the fans as possible. So she entraps the NC crowd by gloating, "Hey, Nattie, hear that? This is Flair Country! Whatever I do, these people will cheer me. Whatever you do, they'll boo you. *pause to let the people agree* See? Just like I said. I bet I could go out there and start punching people in the face, and they'd still cheer me. *pause to let people realize, Ummm, wait, no, I don't want to be punched* All these sheep worship the ground that I walk on, because I am royalty to them!" And with that, Charlotte has achieved 80/20 boos, in less than 45 seconds, which is pretty remarkable on her part.

Then Charlotte switches back to the script-y bit. Natalya just ranted about how this is a different Charlotte. Well, now it's Charlotte's turn to say Who cares? Because it's a BETTER Charlotte. It's a CHAMPION Charlotte. And meantime, it's still just the same old Nattie. The Nattie who she already beat. The Nattie whose entire family are whiners and losers. Just NATTIE. Charlotte turns "Nattie" into a derisive term as she keeps spewing out the many reasons why she (Charlotte) will win on Sunday.

Finally, Charlotte gets done listing said reasons, and asks to sign the contract. Shane hands it to her. She and Ric give it a quick once-over, and HEY WAIT A MINUTE WHAT'S THIS? Charlotte and her dad spot a new clause, and Shane says it's not really anything new, it's just closing a technical loophole. Cuz, you know, Ric was already banned from ringside... the new clause merely adds the stipulation that if he so much as enters the arena during the match, Charlotte will instantly forfeit the title.

Well, the Flairs obviously don't see this as a minor technicality, suggesting their plan all along was to play along with the "banned from ringside" thing, but then still get themselves DQ'd, if necessary, thanks to a Flair run-in.

Ric, in particular, flips out, and Shane threatens to have him forcibly removed from ringside 6 nights early, if he doesn't simmer down. Only Charlotte is able to get him to shut up, but she's clearly annoyed, too, and says she doesn't know why the McMahons are making this personal. Steph insists it's just business, and insinuates that Charlotte better sign the contract, or else we may not wait till Sunday to forfeit that title.

So Charlotte grudgingly signs the contract, but then, once the deal is sealed, Ric decides to get something off his chest, and he says with all due respect to her dad and her husband, Stephanie is just the worst businessperson he's ever seen, and he doesn't know why Vince and Hunter let her have as much power as she has.

Shane, being the Good Brother, steps in and says that whatever differences may exist, Steph is still his sister and she's still Ric's boss, so Ric better watch himself. Naitch takes that as a threat, and decides he's got one last fight in him. In classic Crazy Old Man Flair fashion, he loses the jacket and the jewelry, and starts bouncing off the ring ropes.

Shane plays it cool, and says he has too much respect for Ric to let this get out of hand, and tries to talk some sense into the guy. That's when Steph steps in and says, "That's my brother for you. Always playing the Nice Guy. Well, he may respect you, but I don't!" And then Ric gets one of Steph's Slaps upside his head.

Flair's knocked down, and when he tries to get up, Shane's there to hold him back and suggest he leave the ring.... but nobody's get eyes on Charlotte. She stalks over to Stephanie, and wants to get physical!

At the last second, Nattie is there to make the save.

As security keeps Ric at bay and tries to usher him backstage, the McMahons look on as Natalya locks Charlotte in the Sharpshooter. The crowd is now 90/10 in favor of Nattie, and Charlotte is tapping like mad. Nattie finally releases the hold, and Charlotte rolls out of the ring to join her dad on the ramp. Neither is able to do a damned thing as Nattie finds the discarded Women's Title belt, and holds it high as we fade to black.

And so ends the show... with the Extreme Rules line-up already pretty appealing, tonight's show didn't have to do a whole lot. Just not screw anything up, really.

And outside of the lame-ass spooky music during Ambrose's promo, WWE avoided all potholes, and even showed some signs of inspirado. The whole opening match -- starting as a singles, ending in a Strange Bedfellows situation and the "double stack" ending of Zayn pinning the champ before Owens decimated Zayn -- was just delightful to behold.

I'm generally against non-matches being used in the main event slot, unless it's something really, really special. Tonight's contract signing was not really, really special in terms of entertainment/shock value.... but I find myself willing to grant some kind of special exemption, since it's maybe kinda special in terms of historical significance. It's now been almost a year since WWE started TALKING about a "diva revolution," without implementing a single damned substantive change; but in less than 2 months since WM32, they've done a nice job of presenting Women's Wrestling a lot more seriously.

Putting Charlotte and Nattie in the main event (even if Shane/Steph/Ric were all there to act as insurance) was yet another step in that on-going process. And to their credit, both women held up their ends of the bargain, too. Charlotte taking the time to go full bore heel to re-align the crowd was particularly well done. I think the final net effect was a good one, heading into their match on Sunday.

So that means both the IC 4-way and the Women's Title match actually GAINED from tonight's show. No storylines lost anything (even if Ambrose/Jericho teetered on that particlar precipice), which is fine. Maybe the Reigns/Styles title feud got lost in the shuffle a little bit, due to its aggressive and flamboyant display of water treading, but at this point, the next major development in that story should probably be a full on heel turn by SOMEbody (and screw HHH and the WWE party line about no longer presenting "heels and faces" because the market is too fragmented; you damned well better still be using "protagonist" and "antagonist" in laying out your stories, even if you have this weird anti-fetish for old school wrestling terminology)... and that's a major development that you do at a PPV, not on the Monday before.

Oh, and shockingly, you win if you picked the UNDER on "The Bloodline." Remarkable restraint and discretion by Cole & The Gang. In my face.

All in all, and easy-breezy cruise control type of show, with two segments that stood out a bit above the rest. I think that's good for a final grade of B-plus.

Take care, OO Nation, and at the very latest, I'll see you again in 6 nights, with the Extreme Rules PPV Recap, which I'll get posted at some point around 11:30pm (eastern) on Sunday night. But circumstances permitting, I definitely want to slap together some newsbites and might pair that with a PPV Preview on Friday-ish, so maybe keep an eye out for that (and certainly keep an eye out for Pyro's SD Recap, which I promise will get published in a more timely fashion this week than last).

Later on....

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.