OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
InterContinental > World
March 21, 2016

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Welp, as feared, the UD Flyers are out of the NCAA Tournament... but the Rick still has two fallback reasons to keep caring about the Big Dance!

One, you should be able to guess at: the Indiana Hoosiers (my team, according to birthplace) are still alive, thanks to an upset win over the universally reviled Kentucky Wildcats. Next up: a game against the equally reviled North Carolina Tarheels. The last time one of my teams played UNC in a tournament game, it did not end well for UNC (see: the 2010 NIT Championship Game, won by the same said UD Flyers). Here's hoping for more of the same from the Hoosiers!

The other reason: much to be delight, CBS is using The Heavy for all their intro/outro bumper music.

The Heavy are the English rock-band-with-a-horn-section behind such ubiquitously borrowed songs as "How You Like Me Now?" and "What Makes a Good Man." Their 2012 album, "The Glorious Dead," was a masterpiece, and is currently my #2 Most Favorite Album of the '10s (which is not insignificant, now that the '10s are well past half over). I know I've said some nice things about the band and that record before, in the heat of the moment after the album came out, but I don't think I've mentioned them since I was able to accurately place it in the grand scheme of things. You should go buy it.

Or, you can save your money up, because they've also got a new record coming out next month (the first single/video, "Since You Been Gone," is already out and it's really good; just ignore the eyeball-roll-inducing decision to employ silly backup dancers!), and it could be on to even bigger and better things for The Heavy, thanks to a little boost from March Madness.

The Hoosiers and The Heavy: two damned fine things that make it really hard to be too depressed about the Flyers bowing out early!

But I digress. Here's what you came for: this is what happened on tonight's just-completed edition of RAW....

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

BREVITY IS ROMAN'S ONLY FRIEND

With no further preliminaries, we slam cut to the inside of Rotating Corporate Naming Rights Arena in Philadelphia, PA, where Stephanie McMahon is already on her way to the ring.

Steph wastes no time revealing that WWE Champion Triple H is not here tonight, but it's totally NOT because of Roman Reigns and the vicious beating he delivered last week... it's because he totally has Corporate Responsibilities.

Then, she flaps her gums in generic heel fashion, pretty much doing the same thing HHH tried to do last week: using every cheap heat tactic in the book to get the fans to boo her, in hopes that fans will feel forced to cheer for whoever shows up to oppose her. The fans are stupid, the fans are unemployed losers, blah blah blah. Needless to say, the savvy Philly crowd is not quite falling for it, and just "WHAT?" her for the entire second half of her spiel.

Finally, Roman Reigns' music hits, and once again, he makes his entrance down the aisle (not through the crowd). When he gets to the ring, he eschews a mic, and just goes face-to-face with Stephanie. Steph raises her mic, and is getting ready to unleash on Roman, when Roman just gently puts his hand on the mic to lower it while shushing Steph in a very dickish and patronizing fashion.

Reigns very succinctly says that last week was just a preview and he will be the new WWE Champion at WM, no matter what hijinx he has to overcome. Steph winds up to slap Reigns in the face, but he blocks it, and hits the punchline: Stephanie had better watch it, because "Now, *I* am the Authority."

It didn't do much to fix the over-arching problem of Reigns floptastic push as a babyface, but by making his talky part short-and-to-the-point, his weakness on that front wasn't over-exposed. And as a bonus, if you want to try extra hard to find a subtext, his line about "being the Authority" could have a double meaning, hinting at a heel turn down the line. Maybe.

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KEVIN OWENS vs. AJ STYLES (Non-Title Match)

These two had a really good match on last Thursday's SmackDown, but it ended prematurely due to interference from Chris Jericho, which allowed Owens to steal the win. [They've also been lighting it up on house shows, including some 30 minute IronMan Matches, which is a big part of the reason why OO heartily endorses the idea of marrying Owens/Zayn and Jericho/Styles into one big 4-way feud for the IC Title at WM32.] Styles asked for a rematch, and so here we are. Not for the title tonight, just a matter of personal pride.

We get about 90 seconds of Styles in command, no doubt powered by his thirst for vengeance... but then he chucks Owens out of the ring, and tries to follow up with a flippy move to the outside. Owens moves, Styles lands on his feet, Styles charges Owens, Owens dodges, and Owens is able to slam Styles into the ringside barricade (ribs-first).

It's been 2 whole minutes of action, but since Owens is celebrating in the ring while Styles is in a heap outside the ring, let's break for....

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Back, and Kevin Owens has clearly ousted Randy Orton as the Mayor of Chinlock City, because he's really got the restiest of restholds cinched in for the return-from-break spot. Styles fights back to his feet in relatively short order, and managges an enzuigiri to escape Owens' clutches and begin his fire up.

Near fall after a facebuster for Styles, but the AJ whiffs on the Pele Kick. Owens with a wicked clothesline that turns Styles inside out for a near fall of his own. Owens lines up the cannonball, but Styles moves out of the way. Styles then hits the fireman's carry neckbreaker (the move that Mauro Ranallo commendably "namebranded" on Thursday's SD as the Ushigoroshi, which is the signature name for the move when it's done by Hiroki Goto in Japan) for another near fall.

Styles gets greedy, and sets Owens up on the top turnbuckle, looking for a top rope rana... but Owens hooks the top rope to block it, and Styles crashes and burns. Owens hops up to the top rope, and hits a big ass Frog Splash. Somewhere, Mark Madden is shrieking "FLY FATASS FLY," but for our purposes, this generates a "Holy Shit" chant, and an ultra convincing near fall.

Big cheers when Styles is able to kick out. But while the fans are happy, Owens is frustrated, and pitches a minor hissy fit, allowing Styles to gather his wits. When Owens rejoins the fight, Styles is able to fight back, and they start trading punches. The crowd gets to play "YAY!"/"BOO!" and then it breaks in Styles favor. Styles nails the Pele Kick, but has had so much taken out of him that he cannot follow up.

With both men down, and the ref getting ready to apply a double count, we inexplicably cut away to watch some....

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Back, and Cole tells us that this match is our Very Special Activision Match of the Night, sponsored by Activision, with a giant Activision graphic across the bottom of the screen. That reminds me that I have this idea that....

Meantime, Owens is trying to set Styles up on the top turnbuckle, but AJ fights him off... after another exchange, Styles sets up for a top rope moves, only for Owens to get up on the second rope to stop it... they jockey for position, and finally, Styles flips over Owens and turns it into a second rope powerbomb. Very convincing near fall, but Styles wants to finish things off.

So Styles steps outside, setting up for the spingboard forearm... just as he's ready to launch, Chris Jericho steps out onto the stage, and sarcastically chants "AY JAY STY YILLS." Owens tries to replay the finish to Thursday's match, by going for the Pop Up Powerbomb on the distracted Styles... but Styles learned from the SD match, and counters, by floating over and getting behind Owens. Styles picks the ankle and tries for the Calf Crusher, but Jericho makes it all the way down to the ring and hops up on the apron. Styles releases Owens, and thanks to the distraction, Owens just snatches Styles from behind and hits a cheap roll-up.

Your Winner: Kevin Owens, via pinfall, in 16 minutes. Outstanding match, even better than last Thursday, despite yet another cheap finish. Then again, if they use that cheap finish to get Styles and Jericho into the IC Match at WM32, it will all be worth it.

After the Match: Owens grabs a mic, and says he's been thinking about his IC Title defense at "KOMania," and here's what he's decided..... except he's cut off at that moment by Dolph Ziggler's music. Ziggler gets to the ring, and does some over-rehearsed-sounding patter, which Owens calls out ("That sounds like part of your crappy stand-up routine"), but it still amounts to Ziggler calling Owens a paper champion, and daring him to face Ziggler at WM32...

Before Owens can respond, Miz's music hits, and wants in on that action, given that he's taken Ambrose to the limit and also isn't too pleased with Owens' abandoning him in a tag match.

Again, no response, as Sami Zayn makes an entrance to remind us that -- technically -- he's the one with the biggest bone to pick with Owens, and he wants a shot at that IC Title.

Owens is finally given a chance to speak, and he says none of them is worthy of a title shot, but hey, he's a nice guy, and so he'll go to the Authority, and ask for a Triple Threat. If they agree, Owens will defend at WM against the winner.

Huh, so much for getting Jericho and Styles in on the IC Title, I guess? Boo. But this could still very easily end in a schmozz that sets up a different 4-way for WM. And then, when Owens retains, they could be planning on Owens/Styles doing a series of PPV matches for the belt, which would be a fine and dandy way to spend the summer...

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Earlier Today: Dean Ambrose was at a bar, and Terry Funk tracked him down. Funk has long since left "middle aged," but he's crazier than ever as he launches into a lengthy babble consisting of vaguely connected cliches. Dean is "Crazy like a fox, a fox in a henhouse, with a feather sticking out it's asssss.... ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies," and so forth.

Funk finally stops, and asks, "You hear what I'm saying? You understand me?" And Dean, operating on his own level of insanity, says that OF COURSE he understands perfectly. That makes one of him.

Then, following up on Mick Foley's passing of the torch from last week, Funk says he's got a gift, and he wants Ambrose to put it to good use: it's his chainsaw, from his brief run as Chainsaw Charlie. Terry leaves him with a few final good wishes, and Ambrose eyes the chainsaw suspiciously. He can't believe the old thing would still work, so maybe he ought to test it...

First pull, it doesn't start. Second pull, it doesn't start. Third pull: it fires right up, and Ambrose is all "Whoa, neat, I can't believe it." And then he saws a table in half while the crowd can be heard chanting EC-Dub.

I, uh, "get it" in terms of being a follow up to last week. But there's is a very large chasm between swinging a barbed wire bat, and sawing another human being in half. One is something we've all widely accepted as part of pro wrestling, and we can suspend disbelief. The other is a felony crime, and therefore there's no way Ambrose can realistically use that weapon at WM.

"Chainsaw Charlie" was not exactly one of Funk's prouder moments, and it was just a stupid piece of horseshit that sprang forth from the region of Vince Russo's skull cavity, as I recall. Why not just have Funk show up and give Ambrose a branding iron... you know, a weapon he can actually use (and which has been known to be set on fire, for added effect, if you don't think a branding iron is "sexy" enough of a weapon).

Backstage: Kevin Owens tracks down Stephanie, and is acting like a total ass-kiss. Even Steph finally gets tired of it, and tells him to get to the point. So Owens repeats his idea about a Triple Threat later tonight to determine his WM32 challenger, and asks permission to make said match. Steph tells him to make it so.

Video Package: with neither Undertaker nor Shane McMahon scheduled to appear on tonight's show, they put together a lengthy video package recapping the story so far. To their credit, it's not the usual straight-up FF-worthy filler, as they intercut the backstory with new clips of current stars and legends giving their perspective on the match and its significance with regards to WWE future. Still pretty light and fluffy and easy to let your attention wander, though.

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BIG E (w/ Eggsavier Woods & Kofi Kingston) vs. RUSEV (w/ Sheamus, Alberto del Rio, and Wade Barrett)

Usually, it's the New Day who do pre-match mic work to juice the crowd. But tonight, it's the League of Nations who get to cut a promo. Sheamus does the heavy lifting, by recapping last week's vicious beatdown, and shooting it to a recap package.

The New Day enter second, and do get a brief moment to retort.... they use it to make fun of Rusev's stinky feet, ADR's decline from a limo riding aristocrat to a third-string member of the LoN, and Barrett's sad "reign" as King. They close by SHAME!'ing the LoN, only to realize that "SHAME!" is actually right there in Sheamus' own name, which is oh so appropos.

This upsets the LoN, and it comes to blows.... the 7-way brawl is finally broken up, and order restored, so it's time for our scheduled one-on-one match.

Fast start for E, and after he hits his big splash on the apron (ouch), the New Day begin to celebrate, while the League of Nations tries to regroup. It's only been 60 seconds worth of match, but since it was preceded by 6 minutes of talking, we have to break for...

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Back, and Rusev is working -- you guessed it -- a CHINLOCK. For a few weeks, it almost seemed like they were getting away from that trope, but here it is, back in full force in two consecutive matches. Oy. Big E powers out, but Rusev snuffs out his comeback with an impressive standing dropkick. Then, right back to the chinlock.

E powers out again, and Rusev tries to cut him off by shooting him into the corner.... Rusev charges, but Big E dodges and snatches a quick belly-to-back suplex (apparently, we are now expected to call this a "belly-to-booty" suplex). Follow up is an overhead belly-to-belly, which gets a near fall.

Big E's rally continues, and includes a uranage for a near fall, but when he goes for his through-the-ropes tackle, Rusev gets a knee up to block it. Big superkick by Rusev gets him a near fall. Frustration begins to set in, and Barrett gets on the apron to create a distraction, which sets off a brawl outside the ring... Barrett, Woods, and ADR are all down and out.

Sheamus is left to try to cheat for the heels, but E takes him out with the through the ropes tackle. While that temporarily takes the starch out of Big E, Rusev is licking his chops... but with the ref checking on the E/Sheamus car wreck, Kofi is able to hit a sneak attack on Rusev. Big E hops into the ring, hits the Big Ending, and that's that.

Your Winner: Big E, via pinfall, in about 8 minutes. Match was a big fat nothing, really, but in terms of nudging us towards the big payoff at WM32, it served its purpose.

Backstage: the Wyatts are in their lair, and take turns doing the old spooky doublespeak, and in the end, it all adds up to the revelation that Braun Strowman has a match tonight against Dean Ambrose, and it will not end well for the Lunatic.

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WANTED: WARM BODIES TO POPULATE A BATTLE ROYALE

The Andre Battle Royale Trophy is set up at ringside, as this year will mark the 3rd installment of this new WM Tradition.

Big Show hits the ring, and stops to pose with the trophy before grabbing a mic, and then cuts a heartfelt promo about how he talks a big game about being the greatest giant in wrestling history, but deep down, he knows that honor goes to Andre. That's why last year, it was a big deal to him to win the Andre Battle Royale, and why it's just as big a deal to him to successfully defend his crown in this year's.

The Social Outcasts hit the ring to poop the party. WIth the same sort of passive aggressive internal dissension that was on display last week, Axel/Rose/Bo/Slater take turns boasting before coming back together as a unit (even invoking the concept of a Voltron), with the stated goal of taking Big Show down before he even gets to the Andre Battle Royale.

Show dares them to try it.... and they do, with surprisingly positive results. The Outcasts are entirely competent in delivering a 4-on-1 beatdown, until THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE, IT'S KANE~!

Kane hits the ring, and he and Show easily clean house. Once that's over, Show actually gives Kane a quick hug and tells the crowd "Kane's the Man!" Show then poses on the second turnbuckle.... and it turns out Kane isn't much of a hugger, so he takes advantage of Show's perch to hit a big second rope chokeslam. Battle Royales are every man for himself, in case you didn't know!

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FANDANGO vs. CHRIS JERICHO

It'd be very easy to say "We're all adults here, so let's not pretend this is something it isn't." But the fact is that whenever Jericho makes one of his little returns, he sincerely tries to leave the guys he works with better off than they were before they worked with him.

That precludes a straight-up one-sided squash.

Instead, Jericho bumped his ass off for Fandango for the first couple minutes, and only took control after Fandango whiffed on his top rope leg drop. That's when AJ Styles comes out on the stage and starts sarcastically chanting "WHY TWO JACK ASS" to create a distraction. Fandango gets in another couple of moves, but Jericho manages to hit a Flash Codebreaker.

Your Winner: Chris Jericho, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Narratively, this is still "Jericho scores a decisive win in a short match," but in execution, Jericho only hit one offensive move, and so Fandango wasn't exactly buried or anything.

After the Match: Styles continued on down to the ring, wanting to get him a piece of Jericho.... but as soon as Styles dived into the ring, Jericho dove out and walked away. Styles continued talking, saying that's he's fought all over the world, but there's one place he's never been: WrestleMania. So he'd like to remedy that this year, and he challenges Jericho to a match at WM32.

Awkwardly, he then tries to lead the crowd in an "AY JAY STY YILS" chant to taunt Jericho, but Styles does it in the sarcastic sing-songy way that Jericho does it, like he's taunting himself. D'oh, smooth move, Ferguson.

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Part Two: another lengthy hype package about Taker/Shane, and again, the lame fluff is augmented by just enough fresh content intercut to evade FF-worthiness.

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SAMI ZAYN vs. DOLPH ZIGGER vs. MIZ (#1 Contenders Match)

We return to find Kevin Owens in the middle of the ring, where he is dickishly telling Lilian to hit the bricks, honey, because he's got this one.

Owens then proceeds to declare -- in his best Howard Finkel -- "The following contest is a #1 Contenders Match to determine the next challenger for the InterContinental TItle!" But then, he goes off the rails.... because he was given permission to make a Triple Threat Match, and he did.

But it's not the Triple Threat that we all expected. Owens said "Triple Threat" but he NEVER ONCE uttered the names of Zayn, Ziggler, or Miz. So scratch that header, we need a new one....

ZACK RYDER vs. STARDUST vs. SIN CARA (#1 Contenders Match)

Owens introduces these three as his hand-picked potential challengers, and then, as the match starts, he heads over to sit in on guest commentary. Cole and Saxton openly pepper Owens with accusations that everybody views Zayn/Ziggler/Miz as credible challengers, and clearly Owens must be afraid of facing them, if he booked this match, instead.

Owens, of course, has to deny this with a straight face, and put his three choices over as the most dominant forces in WWE, which is delightful in its own right. But it's also short-lived. Ryder, Stardust, and Sin Cara do their level best keep up the pretense, but after about 2 minutes, Ziggler, Zayn, and Miz all come down to the ring to confront Owens.

With those three surrounding Owens, Stardust is sent flying out of the ring, right into the four-man showdown. Owens decides to use this as his way to escape, pummelling Stardust to create a distraction. Although all Triple Threats are de facto No DQ, the ref calls for the bell.

Your Winner: ummmm, Stardust, via DQ, maybe? Or nobody, and it was really more of a "No Decision"? I dunno.... but it also doesn't matter that this outcome completely disregards all continuity with regards to how triple threat matches work. Because it got the desired story across.

After the Match: Owens plan to create a distraction and escape does not work, and instead, all six men gang up on him until he's able extract himself and run away.

Backstage: Stephanie is on the phone, saying that she's got a bad feeling about what Roman Reigns may have planned for later tonight.... it's unclear, but I THINK the inference is that she's talking to HHH, as she goes back and forth and then agrees to leaves the arena as soon as the limo arrives.

Kevin Owens storms into her office as she ends the call, and says he can't believe what just happened. Did Steph see that? A 6-on-1 attack from 6 guys, none of whom deserve an IC Title match at "KOMania." Steph, annoyed in a general sense at Owens' hijinx, and specifically annoyed that he's co-opting one of WWE's most iconic brand names, says enough is enough, and it's time to make an IC Title match for WM32.

To Owens' dismay, it's a multi-way Ladder Match against all six of those guys. Zack Ryder? In a match? At WrestleMania? For the IC Title? When did I undergo a full quantum inversion and become part of some bizzaro alternate universe?

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Backstage: a limo has arrived in a garage area, and sure enough, Steph WAS discussing her escape with Triple H. In fact, HHH is actually inside the limo, personally escorting Steph away from the arena. They have a nice little smooch, then hop inside the car, and that should be that, right?

Nope. Instead, the camera pans over to a garage door, then zooms in as it begins to open, revealing Roman Reigns standing in the parking lot. He saunters over to the limo, and opens a door, dragging Triple H out of the car.

Stephanie begins phoney horror movie high pitched screaming, but all I can do is wonder how in the blue hell HHH and Steph didn't use the full 30 seconds after Reigns revealed himself to LOCK THE FRICKING DOORS. So dumb.

Let me underscore this: HHH and Stephanie had a full 30 seconds after Reigns appeared, and they did not think to lock the damned doors. Just let that sink in, and then I dare you to tell me that every single horrible thing I've said about the Writer Monkeys isn't completely deserved. Even if they are mostly different Writer Monkeys than the ones 10 years ago, it doesn't matter: they're all interchangeable parts of an ingrained institutional deficiency that allows things this stupid to pass muster and make it onto TV.

Reigns and HHH have a quickie brawl, with Reigns once again getting vociferous boos, before HHH can dive back into the limo, close the door behind him, and the limo peels out, leaving Reigns so unsyatisfied. [/teddykgb]

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CHARLOTTE (w/ Ric Flair) vs. NATALYA (Non-Title Match)

Both Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks are sitting in on commentary. The only thing they agree upon is that Charlotte won't be the Women's Champion after WrestleMania. But other than that, there is no common ground between the two.

Meantime, in the ring, it's all Charlotte after a token hot start for Nattie. Kinda sad, since these two are the ones who really kicked off the whole modern era of NXT Women's Wrestling, with a 20 minute match at the first Takeover event. This is just a throwaway TV Special.

Nattie got an abbreviated comeback, and attempted the Sharpshooter, but Charlotte snuffed that out, hit the Natural Selection, and finished things off.

Your Winner: Charlotte, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Charlotte was dominant, and both Becky and Sasha made strong cases on commentary (with Becky continuing to be the unexpected rock star of the trio by virtue of sheer likeability). In other words, it effectively serviced the overall build-up to Mania, but not much else.

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R-TRUTH vs. BUBBA DUDLEY (w/ Devon Dudley)

TIme compression in full effect, as we skip directly to the "mid-match" heel beatdown, with Bubba doing all he can to short circuit any Philly/ECW fans who might be tempted to cheer for him. It only partially works.

All of 2 minutes in, Truth begins his babyface comeback, and just as quickly, he's put down by a Big Boot.

Your Winner: Bubba Dudley, via pinfall, in under 3 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened.

After the Match: Devon jumped in the ring to join in on a 2-on-1 beatdown... and returning the favor from Thursday, Goldust ran out to make the save. But just like Thursday, the nascent duo of the Golden Truth were no match for the Dudleys. With the Dudleys dominating, the Throwback to Thursday continued with an Usos run-in.

This time, the Dudleys couldn't retreat fast enough, and the Usos took out Bubba, and then attempted to put Devon through a table... but at the last second, Bubba was able to get back into the ring to pull Devon to safety.

Dudleys/Usos are a confirmed WM32 match, but I'd say there is now enough traction to add Golden Truth and/or a Tables Match stip, if they want. Mania is all about getting everybody onto the card in some capacity, so it's just a question of whether Goldust and Truth are needed in the Andre Battle Royale, or if the powers that be think they fit into the Dudleys/Usos feud.

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VINCE DECIDES UNDERTAKER IS HIS BITCH, AFTERALL

Vince McMahon is on his way to the ring. In his increasing senility, Vince just repeats the same basic themes as the last two times he's cut promos. He teases the fans with a vision of the day after WrestleMania, where Shane remakes WWE in his own image, and there's no more Authority and no more Vince. ANd then, he yanks it out from under us by saying that's all a fantastical fantasy that will never happen.

It worked the first time. Kinda. It didn't work the second. It sure didn't work on Philly, on the third try.

But Vince knows his son is a little crazy, and won't be finished with one chokeslam, or two, or even three. He's a tough hombre, and he will fight to his dying breath. So, with that in mind, he wants to light a fire under the Taker's ass. He wants to make sure Taker's heart is in it, and he's willing to do anything and everything it takes to end Shane-O-Mac.

To that end, Vince recalls Shane's accusation from last week and declares, "The Undertaker truly is my greatest creation.... but at the end of the day, he works for me and that does make him my bitch. So that's why I'm able to add this stipulation to the match: if the Undertaker does not defeat my former son Shane, then this WrestleMania will be his last WrestleMania."

In a rare display of subtlety, Vince just lowers the mic and walks away, without growling a threat about how the Undertaker will be "FFFFFFFFFIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRREEDDD." But the implication is still clear. Taker's career is on the line at WM.

There, was that so hard, WWE? FINALLY, we have some sort of motivation for Taker to actually do Vince's bidding. But at the same time, the way Vince did it is sure to give Taker just as much motivation to get back at Vince, too. Ahhhhh, what a predicament!

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Thursday on SmackDown: Brock Lesnar is making a rare Thursday appearance, where Dean Ambrose has already declared he intends to confront The Beast. I'm in!

DEAN AMBROSE vs. BRAUN STROWMAN (w/ Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan)

To build on that hype for SD (and also, because he's scouting Ambrose), Paul Heyman is sitting in commentary for our main event. By the time we get all parties to the ring and the bell rings, it is 10:58pm (eastern). You were a nice main event caliber wrestling match? Maybe next time...

Ambrose briefly succeeds with a little cat-and-mouse, which results in Strowman rolling out of the ring. Ambrose goes for his between the ropes suicide dive, only to be greeted by a forearm from Strowman. Whoopsie.

Strowman on the offensive, which features the dreaded Spock Lock. I use the words "featured" and "dreaded" with great hyperbole and sarcasm. It's a neat trick when Spock does it by briefly pinching the neck, but when a big stiff sits there and grabs your shoulder for 45 seconds, it's kinda lame.

Philly feels the same way, and begins seranading Strowman's heel beatdown with chants of "THIS IS BORE RING." Ambrose takes that as his cure to fire up. Strowman sets him up on the turnbuckle for something, but Ambrose kicks him away, creating separation, and lands a missile dropkick.

Eyeballing the encroaching Wyatt Family, Ambrose glances back and forth between them and Heyman, and decides he doesn't care about winning the match.... he cares more about surviving and sending a message to Brock Lesnar.

So Dean exits the ring, grabs a steel chair, and celebrates his own personal Whacking Day. Strowman is chopped down to size, the rest of the Wyatts are scared off, and it all ends with Ambrose hitting Dirty Deeds onto the chair.

Your Winner: Braun Strowman, via disqualification, in about 5 minutes. I get that the idea is to make Ambrose look strong, and I know in "WWE Think" Strowman is a monster, so it's a big deal that Ambrose was able to take him down. But in reality, Strowman has zero credibility with most wrestling fans, resulting in the boring chants, and an overall anti-climactic feeling to the segment. Ambrose isn't HURT by this, mind you, not at all... but he would have benefited more from having a really good and engrossing 12-15 minute main event caliber match against Harper, setting up the chair swinging finish (ideally, with more of a 1-on-4 element than what we saw, too) to illustrate that there is no monster Ambrose can't slay so long as there are no rules/no DQ (as is the case at WM, against Lesnar).

But nope, we got this, and Ambrose gets the narrative "moral victory" over Strowman, while the majority of us just go "duh." Because the way WWE views Strowman is different from how we view him. Oh well.... final image is Ambrose trash talking at Heyman, in anticipation of Thursday's showdown with Lesnar. With that, we fade to black...

And so ends the show... it's a show where there really isn't much more that needs to be said. No Taker or Shane, but they tried to spruce up your standard video package filler a bit, and did cart Vince out there to add the retirement stip. No Brock, but the show ended with a face-to-face between Ambrose and Heyman that hypes Brock's appearance on Thursday. And VERY brief participation by Reigns and HHH, in hopes of minimizing the amount of backwards crowd response, but which didn't really move things forward one bit.

In other words, 80% of the show featured WWE doing pretty much the bare minimum required to keep us vaguely pointed towards WrestleMania. It's a notch above treading water, but it's also not exactly thundering down the homestretch, either.

Luckily, the other 20% of the show had to do with Owens and the IC Title, including that awesome Owen/Styles opening match. Go ahead and youtube that match, if you missed out; you'll be glad you did.

So 80% of the show is easily forgettable C-grade mediocrity, the other 20% is an easy A... let's just go ahead and call this week a B-minus, and agree to reconvene in 7 days to see if WWE can do any better with the final all-hands-on-deck (which means Taker/Shane/Brock will all be active participants) edition of RAW.

In the meantime, remember to check back later this week for Pyro's recap of Brock's visit to SmackDown! Later on, kids....

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.