OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
It's Reigning Boos, Hallelujah!
March 14, 2016

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

It's finally March Madness... as the Only Dayton Flyer Fan Any of You Know, I feel the need to advocate for my team, and encourage you all to pencil them in on your brackets.

I mean, if you people had listened to me the past two years, you could have stolen a few wins. Actually FIVE wins (3 in the 2014 tourney, and 2 last year), which is more than every school other than Kentucky, Wisconsin, Michigan St., and Arizona in those two combined years.

Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

But this year, I'm going to advocate you only advance the Flyers to the second round. I feel pretty good about making Syracuse our bitch again, and will enjoy it, because Boeheim is easily in my top 5 most face-punchable college hoops personalities (along with Calipari, Pitino, Chris Mack, and Doug Gottlieb). But that second round match-up against Michigan St? D'oh.

I'd have rather gotten an 8 seed in two other brackets (the Oregon and Virginia ones) than be a 7 seed in a bracket where MSU is, inexplicably, a 2 seed. MSU is arguably the 3rd best team in the country, but they get underseeded as a TWO, just to spite the beloved Flyers of Dayton? Boo, committee, boo!

But I guess that, iin a year where you're getting booed for so many other godawful decisions (what is Syracuse doing int he tournament at all, much less as a 10 seed, come to think of it? that's even less defensible than putting Tulsa in a play-in game), it's inevitable that one of your Cavalcade of Failures was bound to affect My Team. Seriously, the Selection Committee needs to be blown up and rebuilt with something resembling consistant criteria; it's been a slow steady decline, but this year was so bad that it should be the one that sparks a revolution.

I was really hoping for this to be a third year of multiple tourney wins for UD, but I can't -- in good conscience -- EXPECT it, now. That said "GO FLYERS~!" and I know you'll crush the Orange, and will do everything in my power to throw my mojo behind a pleasant surprise against MSU!

Here's what happened on tonight's just-completed RAW:

Cold Open: we're live in Pittsburgh, PA, and there is no Video Package For the Benefit of Those With ADD, nor is there any Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc... just a quick welcome from Cole & The Gang, and then it's time to kick this off with a tag team title match...

THE NEW DAY (w/ Kofi Kingston) vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO & RUSEV (w/ Sheamus & Wade Barrett) (Tag Team Title Match)

Before the match, a little pre-match spiel by the New Day has them pimping Booty-O's cereal, which isn't really cereal, but IS a New Day t-shirt that you can buy, and it arrives inside a Booty-O's cereal box. Also, they pimp the (hopefully entirely imaginary) Big E Butt Workout DVD. Harmless fun, but then the LoN enter to poop the party.

Woods is actually working the match, with Kofi relegated to ringside duty. Kofi is sporting an injured shoulder, but the narrative here is that the LoN tweeted that Woods is nothing but a cheerleader, ergo, Woods decided to step up and prove them otherwise. Because everybody knows that if somebody says something on twitter, you MUST pretend to give a shit.

Big E and Rusev start, and Big E wins the battle of the big men. This sparks a mini-New-Day rally, in which they do a bunch of their signature spots, to the delight of the crowd. Unicorn Stampede... Big E does the Abdominal Slap (wait, strike that; it's an Abdominal Spank! Yes, Big E is spanking Rusev's ass to the beat of the New Day Rocks chant!)... Kofi plays some trombone...

But they get up to too much celebrating and gyrating, and ADR snaps off a few stiff kicks on Big E. First level heel beatdown even includes a near fall after a Backstabber. But then E sidesteps a charge, gets a tag to Woods, and the New Day get another little rally.

But while Woods is handling matters, Barrett gets up on the apron to create a distraction. ADR strikes from behind. Looks like the LoN will be back in control, when we return from these....

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Yep, the LoN is still in control. Specifically, Rusev is working the never-dreaded bearhug on Woods, which we are told continues an emphasis on his ribs. This began during the ad break, when Woods was draped across the ringside barricade.

Standard face in peril stuff, until ADR gets cocky and goes to the top rope. He whiffs, allowing Woods to get the hot tag to Big E, while Rusev comes in on the corresponding move.

Big E goes on a tear, building up to his big criss-cross Warrior Splash. ADR gets back in on the action, which means Woods follows. He actually legally tags in, to do so, but then Big E hangs around. Things break down in Chinatown, and eventually, E is able to get the better of del Rio... but Rusev is looking strong against Woods, and they are the legal men.

This is when Kofi hops up on the apron to create a distraction... Sheamus and Barrett both attack, and Kofi is able to fend them off. But Rusev is suitably distracted by watching Kofi take out both his mates, allowing Woods to get a quick roll-up on Rusev. One. Two. Three!

Your Winners: the New Day, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Good stuff. Not just straight fast start/heel beatdown/babyface comeback, but a bit more layered. And putting Woods in there at the end put you on High Alert for a title change. But nope: instead, Woods scores a pinfall on Rusev.

After the Match: the feelgoodery comes to a quick end, as the League of Nations exert their 4-on-3 advantage for a wicked beatdown. After a purely punchy/stompy onslaught leaves the New Day on the mat, the LoN follow up by making Kofi take the Bullhammer, making Big E take the Brogue Kick, and making poor, poor Woods take both the ADR Double Stomp and Rusev's Camel Clutch. BOO~!

Match was solid, but the post-match had a lot more oomph to it than comes off in the written word. They can DEFINITELY take this one to WM32, and it'll play as a 4-on-3.

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BEASTS FEAR CROWBARS

Dean Ambrose hits the ring, apparently for a promo. While he's making his entrance, WWE does their level best to "prove" the ref's call at Roadblock was right. They still don't have a slamdunk convincing camera angle.... but they took their best one, drew in a fat red line (about 5 times the width of the ring rope), and showed that about 1 inch of Ambrose's toe was "out of bounds."

This still doesn't fix the problem that this is a giant stretch on a technicality, that Ambrose derived no advantage from it, and that it's the sort of thing that no ref has ever bothered noticing unless he was crooked and on the take.... but hey, Ambrose's foot was "out of bounds," so let's all just adhere to the Letter of the Law on this one.

For his part, once Dean starts talking, he doesn't gripe about it. Instead, he chooses to be proud of his performance, and says he came *thisclose* to winning the title and changing up WrestleMania... but even if he fell *justshort* of that goal, he's quite confident that he made a believer out of Triple H, and that today, either Dean Ambrose has the respect of Triple H, or Triple H is a liar.

So that's Ambrose's take on Saturday... but now it's time to talk about... [Ambrose turns to point at the giant WM logo]

But before Ambrose can even say it, Brock Lesnar's music hits, and he and Paul Heyman come out on the stage. His name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, he's pulling double duty as the Advocate for Brock Lesnar AND as the Walking Restraining Order that is protecting Dean Ambrose. Heyman's the only one who is keeping Brock Lesnar from heading straight to the ring to destroy Ambrose.

Ambrose is all "I don't need any protection." He invites Heyman to stand down, and let Brock do whatever Brock wants. Heyman says that's big talk, and Ambrose is insane, so maybe he even believes the words coming out of his mouth... but deep down, Ambrose MUST know that nothing good can come out of provoking Brock Lesnar tonight.

Ambrose: "I don't think I have to provoke him. I think he wants to come down here. Look at him. He's doing his little bouncey thing. [imitates the Lesnar Shuffle] Yeah, he's juiced up, he's ready to go. I don't have to say anything else. You just have to let him off your little leash, Paul." Oooooooooohhhhhhh....

Lesnar IS ready to go, but Heyman isn't having any of it. In an increasingly frustrated tone of voice, like he's being forced to spell this out to a child, Paul explains, "Look, there's this big event coming up. Something called WrestleMania, you may have seen the giant sign behind you. At WrestleMania, this company is luring fans to the show with a main event match featuring my client, Brock Lesnar. That's right, any match with Brock Lesnar is a main event, people. [ZING~!] And it just so happens, Dean Ambrose, that makes YOU part of the allure for WrestleMania. You're in the main event. If I let Brock Lesnar go down to that ring tonight, you will be destroyed. You will not be in the main event at WrestleMania. In fact, there will be no main event at WrestleMania, because YOU, Dean Ambrose, are the only lunatic stupid enough to face Brock Lesnar in a No Holds Barred Street Fight. It's not for YOUR own good, because I could not care less about you, Dean Ambrose. But for the Good of WrestleMania, I cannot allow that to happen."

BOOOOOO! But oddly compelling and sensible, too.

Then, forget compelling and sensible, Heyman just heels it up, and stops talking to Ambrose, and starts talking to the fans. Wait, not talking. Shilling. Blatantly. "And so, ladies and gentlemen, thanks to Paul Heyman, on April 3, 2016, in Dallas, Texas, in front of 100,000 fans, you will still see YOUR main event of Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose, on the WWE Network, for FREE to new subscribers, and at the low low cost of $9.99 for everybody else. See you there. And with that, I bid you.... adieu!"

BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! We wanty it now!!!!!!!!

Heyman walks away and disappears backstage. Lesnar follows for a few steps, but then turns back. He stares down Ambrose. He breaks into a shit-eating grin, and a little Lesnar Shuffle, and then he starts walking towards the ring...

Heyman suddenly re-appears and sprints after him. This does not slow Lesnar down. And in the ring, a crowbar suddenly appears from inside Ambrose's leather jacket. This stops Lesnar in his tracks.

We are at a stalemate, but the crowd is egging the two men on, and Lesnar's actually thinking about doing something, while Ambrose brandishes his weapon. Lesnar makes a slow circle of the ring, eyeing Ambrose the whole time. When he gets back to the foot of the aisle, Heyman begs him to retreat, but instead, Lesnar breaks away and leaps up onto the apron...

Ambrose comes at him with the tire iron, and takes a wild swing... but Lesnar is able to jump back to the floor to avoid it.

The reality of the situation settles in, and it's pretty clear that Lesnar should not try to test Ambrose tonight. He heeds Heyman's increasingly panicked advice, and retreats, as Ambrose celebrates a moral victory.

Strong segment, I thought. Ambrose is a better man than I for brushing off the sketchy call at Roadblock, and just forging ahead. Daring Lesnar to fight tonight is perfect for his character... Heyman cutting that "this is for the good of WM32" promo was genius... and then still teasing the brawl, only to have Lesnar forced to back down, tells the story that maybe Ambrose can't beat Lesnar in a wrestling match, BUT turn it into a street fight, and BAM.... Ambrose is a legit threat. Good times...

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SIN CARA (w/ Kalisto) vs. RYBACK

Pretty much exactly what you'd expect, with the exception of Sin Cara's new ring gear, which is all black. It's like, how much more black could it be? The answer is: none. None more black.

Heel turn coming?

Ryback dominates, Sin Cara gets a token 30 second flurry, then Ryback hit not one, but TWO Shellshocks while staring bullets at Kalisto.

Your Winner: Ryback, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened. And after it happened, Ryback grabbed a mic and challenged Kalisto to a US Title Match at WrestleMania, which we've all pretty much seen coming since last week.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER IS RELEVENT AGAIN?!?!?!?????

Stephanie McMahon heads to the ring, solo, and tries to engage the crowd, fails to elicit the desired response, and immediately moves on to introducing the WWE Champion, Triple H.

Triple H comes on down, getting a mixed reaction that begins to lean "boo" when he makes a big fancy show of smooching on Steph.

Then, to his credit, HHH did his damnedest to get even more boos by just saying the most outlandishly cheap heat-y things about how the fans are cretins with miserable lives, and he is living the dream, and holds all OUR dreams in his hands, and yadda yadda yadda. It's as if a mustache-twirling cartoon villian had sex with an awful 16 year old Mean Girl.... this promo would be their child.

Cheap as it is, it's the sort of thing that seems to work on some of the fans who are more gullible (or young enough to still be feel threatened by cartoons or high school girls). But then, to ensure the REST of us hate him, HHH takes 37 goddamned minutes to say all this cheap, rambling nonsense. OK, maybe not 37, but easily brushing up against 10, and he was already milking the he-goat one-third of the way through. NOW I HATE HIM TOO!!!!

And then, after all that effort to try to get us booing him by sheer force of Dick Movery, HHH loses all that bad will in one turn of phrase. He takes his thesis about how the cretinous fans thrive on "hope" no matter how many times those hopes are dashed, and that's why they relate to a guy like Dean Ambrose, who keeps failing and who keeps hoping things will change if he keeps trying. "YAY, DEAN AMBROSE, WE LIKE DEAN AMBROSE!" say the fans.

And that's why they relate to a guy like Roman Reigns. "YA-WHOA-WAIT-WHAT... WHO? NO BOOOOOOOOOO, WE STiLL DON'T LIKE ROMAN REIGNS, AND JUST BY SAYING THAT ROMAN REIGNS AND DEAN AMBROSE ARE THE SAME THING DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE, HUNTER, YOU DUM DUM!" say the fans.

Yep, HHH just tried to slide that equivalency into the promo -- Dean Ambrose = Roman Reigns -- and the fans immediately caught it, because we are not 5 year old children, and booed for Reigns. Ruh roh.

HHH closed with a standard blustery promo about how he will beat Reigns at WM32, because blah blah blah, it's useless to try to stand up to the Authority.

And we're now 15 minutes into this promo, but it's not over... because after that punchline, we get Dolph Ziggler's music. OK, I'm listening...

Ziggler makes it clear that HHH can talk about the futility of standing up to the Authority, but it's not gonna stop Ziggler from doing it. Steph asks if Ziggler's TRYING to get fired, now... [the subtext there is that the dirtsheets are talking about a top WWE guy who just asked for his release last week, and how the smarks would be happy to see him get to try his hand elsewhere]

Ziggler just laughs that off, because he's been fired, threatened with firing, so many times, he's over it. Do it, or don't do it, but Dolph is betting they won't, because ultimately, he's a model employee, he shows up for work every day, he busts his ass, and the fans love him just as much as he loves the fans. WWE needs guys like him, and just like they won't fire him, he promises never to quit, to keep showing up, and to keep being a thorn in the Authority's side, because their system is screwing people, and that's something worth fighting against.

Dolph DARES Steph to fire him. Before she can respond, HHH chimes in that No, that wouldn't be Best for Business. Instead, HHH says that Ziggler may be a career failure, but he's right: he's a great hand, with the raw skills... maybe he just hasn't made the right friends. After a bit more insinuation, Ziggler just cuts him off and swears he'll never join up with HHH. And certain never with his "egotistical, idiotic wife."

Steph just hauls off and slaps him. Ziggler shakes it off. But Steph is in a mood, now. After a quick consult with HHH, she starts shrieking about how she knows Dolph Ziggler wants a match at WM, but right now, he doesn't have one, and he'll NEVER have one... unless he wins a match tonight. Dolph just says, "Yeah, fine, I don't care what it is, but I already accept. Probably 2-on-1 or 5-on-1 or 64-on-1 for March Madness, but guess what? I don't care."

That's when Steph reveals that Dolph can have any WM match he wants, and all he has to do is beat ONE man... the Game, the King of Kings, the WWE Champion... Triple H.

Steph and HHH look happy, because they are always quite full of themselves. But Ziggler isn't remotely intimidated or worried because, hey, when you're fearing 64-on-1, any one-on-one match will seem like a breeze. Also: Roman Reigns is supposed to be here tonight, which means victory is just a run-in away!

That was two, two promos in one. The first one was well-intentioned (HHH doing everything he could think of to get every segment of the audience to hate his guts), but sucked, because it really was jsut too long, and also, the false equivalency of Ambrose and Reigns flopped epically (and predictably).

But the second one was interesting, because it dangles some sort of Ziggler Relevency, and makes you start wondering what he does for WM once Reigns shows up and does something that causes a cheap cop-out finish (like HHH getting counted out because he's distracted by Reigns). Ziggler'd be the perfect guy to jumpstart the IC Title Multiway Ladder Match (showing off is his thing, and it's not like Owens is, himself, going to put himself in an 8-way match).

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SAMI ZAYN vs. MIZ

And speak of the devil, here's IC Champ Kevin Owens sitting in on commentary. In addition to being delightfully jerkish towards Cole and Saxton, his main point is to belittle Zayn, and to say that he has not yet completed his masterplan for #KOMania, other than to decide that Zayn in no way deserves an IC Title shot.

Fast start for Zayn, match spills outside, Zayn continues to get the better of it, building up to a moonsault from the barricade to the floor. Zayn celebrates with the fans as we break for..

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Back, and Miz has taken over, and has Zayn in a surfboard... but not for long. Zayn's fire up comes after less than a minute, and we start going back and forth with escalating offense. Steamboat style crossbody by Zayn, hooking corner clothesline by Miz. Miz actually goes for the SKF, but Zyan counters with a roll-up for a near fall.

Eventually, Zayn clotheslines Miz out of the ring and follows up with a diving senton... but he does it on the same side of the commentary table, so Owens perks up. With Miz slowly recovering, Owens gets in Zayn's face, but does not get physical... until Miz clobbers Owens from behind, and Owens momentem drives Zayn to the floor. That's Miz's revenge for bailing on a tag match on SmackDown.

Meantime, Miz dives back into the ring to beat the count, thinking he might get a cheap win... but Zayn is quick to follow, also beating the count. After Miz goes for a cheap roll-up, Zayn rattles off a few moves, and hits the Helluva Kick for the win.

Your Winner: Sami Zayn, via pinfall, in about 8 minutes. Not bad, but clearly designed to keep building the multi-way IC Title picture, and not to stand alone on its own.

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BRIE BELLA & ALICIA FOX vs. NAOMI & TAMINA

As the match starts, Lana's music hits, and she comes down to perch on the announce desk. The announcers argue over whether Brie is baiting Lana, or if Lana is baiting Brie, without stopped to ask if anyone gives a damn. Because we don't.

Just a sloppy disjointed affair, until it looks like Brie is about to get the win after a second rope facebuster... but then Lana creates a distraction, and Tamina gets the pin after some double team cheating.

Your Winners: Tamina & Naomi, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Nothing to see here. Move along.

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Backstage: Joey Jo Jo is standing by with Paige, and immediately starts talking about Paige's personal life, so I zone out and all I hear is "Totaldivastotaldivaswatchtotaldivastotaldivas." I continue to hear the same when Lana, Naomi, and Tamina all show up to mock li'l Paige. Yep, because there is going to be a giant 6-way Total Divas multi-way match at WM32 with Brie, Lana, Paige, Naomi, Nattie, Alicia, and we'll be expected to care.

Elsewhere Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Charlotte to talk about a women's match that we WILL care about. Charlotte continues to excel as a heel, taking us on a trip down memory lane, to when she, Becky, and Sasha were all in NXT. Charlotte held Sasha's hair while Sasha puked before her first match; Becky was a socially awkward loser who tried to be friends with everybody before Charlotte finally accepted her. And all that "friendship" was just so Charlotte could keep track of their development, and make sure she (Charlotte) was always better than them. Flair chimes in that it's true, Charlotte called him, talked about how there are two other girls in NXT who have what it takes, and Charlotte is gonna make it her mission to destroy them... Charlotte says this 3-way match and her ultimate victory, has been a masterplan years in the making, and promises more of a history lesson Thursday on SD. Good stuff.

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THE USOS vs. BO DALLAS & ADAM ROSE (w/ Heath Slater & Curtis Axel)

The Dudleys are on commentary, but don't say a whole lot other than vague threats towards the Usos, and then they leave part-way through, allowing the Usos to easily complete the inevitable.

Your Winners: the Usos, via pinfall, in 2 minutes, tops. Whee.

Backstage: Dean Ambrose is hanging out, making sweet sweet eyelove to his crowbar... all of a sudden, his head jerks to the side, and he says, "What are YOU doing here?"

It's Mick Foley, and he's got a couple reasons for being here. He has a gift for Dean, but first, he has a question.... because surely Dean knows fighting Brock is a bad idea and Dean will get hurt ("Yep"), badly ("Uh huh"), and for a really long time ("Probably")... so Mick's question is "Why?"

Dean answers Mick's question with a question... when Mick was on top of the Cell with the Undertaker (right here, in Pittsburgh, PA!), Mick had to be scared, right? ("Damned straight. Terrified") So why did Mick keep going? "Because I'm Mick Foley, and that's what I did."

Now Dean answers Mick's answer with the answer to the original question: "There you go. Because I'm Dean Ambrose, and this is what I do."

Mick nods, not necessarily with approval, but with understanding... and now, it's time for his gift. Because a crowbar is all well and good, but Mick knows of a more dangerous tool for taking Brock Lesnar to an even more debilitating place than Suplex City. Mick says Dean will know what to do with it, and that why Mick has chosen to pass the torch to him. A big red box is Dean's gift.

Mick departs with a BANGBANG!! and Dean, just like all of us, seem to have a pretty good idea where this is headed. With a smile already on his face, Dean opens the box, and sure enough..... it's Barbie the Barbed Wire Baseball Bat!

It's not like anyone needed any extra reasons to look forward to Lesnar/Ambrose, and honestly, it's not like the difference between crowbar and barbed wire bat is that big... but the real takeway here is the passing of the torch, which is something that Foley has had in mind for, like, 5 years (dating back to an aborted FCW angle), and which will serve Dean so very, very well well after his ultraviolence with Lesnar has concluded.

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TRIPLE H (w/ Stephanie McMahon) vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER (Non-Title Match)

Old school feeling out process to start. Lock ups, headlocks, shoulderblocks, etc... nothing thrilling, but just the standard ramping-up the preceeds a longer match.

A few minutes of that finally breaks in Ziggler's direction, and he starts going for rapidfire pinfalls after any move that puts HHH on his back. Simple hiptoss? Pin attempt. Clothesline? Pin attempt. Dropkick? Pin attempt. Remember, this is only HHH's second singles match in a year, so Ziggler's smart to pepper him with near falls, on the off chance that HHH's can be caught off-guard.

But then it spills out of the ring, and HHH turns the tables. A reversed whip sends Ziggler into the barricade, and HHH is now in full command. So let's break for...

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Back, and HHH is working an armlock, and the story here is that Ziggler's left arm and shoulder are in bad shape after a commercial-break-long onslaught.

Extended heel beatdown, focused on that arm. And not just armbars, but pretty convincing stuff, including driving Ziggler, shoulder-first, into the ring steps, and slams/suplexes tilted to target the shoulder. Ziggler gets some spunky hope spots, but not much else, for 5-6 minutes.

But then, after one of those suplexes, Ziggler is writing in pain on the mat, and HHH goes up to the second rope... HHH comes off, attempting an unidentifiable move, and instead, Ziggler put his leg up, and HHH rams his own face into the foot. D'oh. This sets off Ziggler's big hulk-up.

Dolph hits all the greatest hits, leading up to a Stinger Splash into a neckbreaker for a nearfall. Turnbuckle mount-and-punch doesn't go well for Ziggler, and HHH shoves him off, and attempts a Pedigree. Ziggler counters into a pinning combo, which gets an insta-kick-out from HHH, but Ziggler bounces back with an insta-Fameasser for a very convincing near fall that drew some genuine oohs and aahhs.

Another back and forth exchange, and a spike DDT by Ziggler gets another of those convincing near falls. Ziggler sends HHH into the corner, and tries another Stinger Splash, but he whiffs, and stumbles into a spinebuster by HHH for a near fall.

HHH calls for the Pedigree, but Ziggler fights out and shoves HHH back in order to hit him with a pinpoint superkick. Another ultra-compelling near fall, and this time, while Ziggler sells his frustration, HHH rolls out of the ring. Ziggler has to go out to fetch him, and roll him back into the ring, which sets up the incredibly rare Late Match Cat and Mouse Role Reversal Spot! As Ziggler follows HHH back into ring, HHH is already on his feet, waiting, and shoves Ziggler off the apron, causing him to crash hard into the barricade.

And yep, he crashed bad-shoulder-first.

The ref starts counting, and just like at Roadblock, HHH steps back, and is willing to take the count out. But just like Roadblock, HHH's opponent makes it back in at the last second. And just like Roadblock, HHH scoops him up for the Flash Pedigree....

But unlike Roadblock, Ambrose fights out of it, and goes for the Zig Zag. But HHH is able to anchor himself by holding onto the ropes. Ziggler lands hard, HHH hits the Pedigree, and.... that's it? Guess I was wrong about the "Let's try to get Roman Reigns some cheers by having him help somebody the fans actually like" thing. Ziggler does not win, does not get to name a WM Match.

Your Winner: Triple H, via pinfall, in 18 minutes. Very good match, Ziggler's Flash Pin Onslaught made the otherwise methodical feeling-out first part of the match quite fun, and everything after the ad break was just a well-laid-out and expertly executed bully heel vs. injured underdogg deal. Probably youtube-worthy, unless you're one of those types where all HHH victories cause you to vomit in horror.

After the Match: Just as HHH is about to celebrate his victory, Roman Reigns music hits. Hey, assclown, if you're trying to win us over, you're about 3 minutes late!

HHH gets up on the "northeast" turnbuckle, awaiting Reigns' entry through the crowd. But instead, Reigns just comes down the ramp, to heavy boos. HHH's promo backfired, and it turns out absence doens't make the heart grow fonder, either. It's been a month, but it's the same response; 20/80 cheers/boos, at best.

And most of those 20% cheers are the result of two awful, awful women sitting in the front row, who apparently experience comical ear-piecing tween girl squeeegasms any time Reigns is within arms reach of them. But they are not tweens; they appear to be fully-ripened 20-somethings. D'oh.

But I digress. This is not a pro-Reigns crowd, and even as he storms to the ring and attacks HHH, that sentiment does not change. Even as Reigns uses HHH's own vicious announce desk attack against him, the crowd keeps booing.

HHH backpedals, shows ass, chickenshits it up, trying to escape, and still the crowd boos as Reigns follows him, and continues beating the hell out of HHH. The brawl visits the tech area on the camera side of the arena, and HHH comes out of that bleeding from the side of the head (the result of Reigns just chucking a crate at his face).

It's actually a genuinely intense fight, with both guys coming off as reckless and spontaneous, and not a choreographed pro wrestling pull-apart... in addition to HHH's severe laceration due to Reigns' unannounced use of random objects, HHH also tries to throw various objects behind him as he runs away (to slow Reigns down with obstacles), and one of those appeared to clip a referee, who immediately crumpled with what appeared to be a legit twisted knee. Crazy and intesne, I'm telling you.

But it's not doing any good for Reigns. They finally get all the way backstage, and when Reigns starts swinging a still-plugged-in TV around, threatening everybody with electrocution, cooler heads finally prevail: the Usos materialize and get their cousin to simmer down, then Mark Henry and others show up, too, to create a more substantial "wall" around Reigns, as HHH slinks off into the night, a broken man.

A broken man, but still the consensus babyface in any one-on-one match against Roman Reigns, even after we just got done booing the shit out of him in matches against Ambrose and Ziggler. Funny how that works, eh? By which I mean: it works exactly the way OO has been saying it would work for damned near 16 months, now.

Great brawl and a compelling segment, capping off the preceeding match, which was also good.... but it did not come close to accomplishing the desired goal.

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Hall of Fame: Jacqueline (sometimes known as Miss Jackie, and initially known as Miss Texas) is the newest member of the 2016 Hof Class. For WWE-only fans, she was one of the women who helped made it perfectly normal for us all to expect the divas to "do it all," instead of specialize as wrestler or eyecandy. She had all kinds of sexy (she held her own vs. Sable; as a man who may or may not have been holding HIS own during that showdown, I would suggest Jackie may even have outdone Sable) AND all kinds of in-ring ability (she even held her own vs. men, and held the Cruiserweight Title). Before WWE, she was a huge part of the Texas and Memphis territories, and broke into the business the hard way, which is just as worthy of respect.

Backstage: Goldust is WALKING~! And he bummps into a giant penguin. The penguins quickly de-heads, and is revealed as R-Truth. Goldust is all "Ah hahahahaha, I get it. We're in Pittsburgh, so you dress up like a penguin, because you think it's something I would do." Truth deadpans, "We're in Pittsburgh?" Heh.

Truth goes off on a sincere and heartfelt speech about how he's dressed this way because he just saw a nature special, and when penguins find their perfect partner, they stay together forever. Hint hint. Goldust no sells it, and Truth spells it out, "I think we should be a team. Dog, be my penguin."

I'm pretty sure "Dog, be my penguin" has never been spoken in the entire history of mankind, until tonight.

Goldust gets it. Goldust softens. Goldust puts a hand on Truth's shoulder. Goldust says "NO!" and departs with a snap of the teeth. More like COLDust. Poor Truth.... won't these crazy kids just get together already?

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NEVILLE vs. CHRIS JERICHO

Before the match, Jericho decides to take several minutes to be a world class jackwagon. It worked for him on Saturday!

In addition to bad mouthing AJ Styles, and bad mouthing the fans who are stupid enough to cheer for AJ Styles, Jericho is obviously planning on a ridiculous new bit of facial hair. You can only just barely see it, but it ought to be fully visible by next week, and it will be one of those ultra-thin pencil mustaches (already pretty silly) with the "nostril anchors" (very silly). I guess he realized we were onto his silly wardrobe, and wanted to give us something else that's gloriously perfect for his heel self to enjoy.

Jericho closed by declaring that he is AJ Styles' "daddy," because you know what else is gloriously silly? Dated taunts that haven't hurt anyone's feelings since Pedro Martinez's, 10 years ago! Delightful.

Then Neville enters and the match starts. And 30 seconds later, we have to break for...

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Back, and we get another 30 seconds of action, and then something goes wonky. Neville collapses, holding his ankle, after a flippy move, and you can see the ref double-take, and hear Jericho ask "You OK?"

After a moment of confusion, Jericho goes for a pin, and Neville does not really kick out, but Charles Robinson stops at 2, and starts yelling at Jericho "Hey, he's hurt, break it." Jericho's momentarily confused, but Robinson actually seems to egg him on, pushing him away from Neville until Jericho gets the idea to shove back. He drops Robinson to the mat, and Robinson calls for the bell.

Your Winner: Neville, via disqualification, in 4 minutes. I know the cool thing is to pretend everything's a work, and you're not fooled by it... and if that was, great, it fooled me. But I'm pretty sure Neville tweaked something, and Robinson and Jericho seamlessly improv'd that DQ ending, which is something that happens when two guys combine for something like 50 years of in-ring experience. Obviously, you can't "rate" a match like this, and instead, just hoping Neville is OK, or will be in time for WM.

After the Match: Jericho grabbed a mic, and resumes his taunting of AJ Styles and his idiot fans. He dares them to chant for their hero.... so they do. With lusty "AY JAY STY YILS" chants raining down, Styles' music hits, and Styles heads to the ring.

AJ gets up on the apron, and has a staredown with Jericho, who dares him to step into the ring. Jericho is mid-ring, fists cocked, ready to brawl. And he's still mid-ring, fists cocked, when AJ just leaps up and catches him with a springboard forearm before Jericho knows what hit him.

Play AJ's music! He's standing over Jericho's carcass while the fans cheer.

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UNDERTAKER IS A BITCH~!?!!!??????????

Vince McMahon makes his way to the ring to a tepid reaction. So much so that he makes Lilian Garcia re-introduce him, in hopes of a better one. Uhhhh, Vince? That reaction wasn't Lilian's fault, and it sure as hell was not the fans' fault.... that's just where you stand these days. The fact that this is the second time in a month this has happened should tell you something.

Vince decides to forge ahead after the second introduction, and launches into an overlong speech about how fans expect Shane to stand here the night after WrestleMania, with promises of an all new crowd-friendly WWE... but that isn't gonna happen, and Vince is going to be standing here, still in control of WWE, and Shane will be out on the street, broken and destitute.

I refer you to last week, where I talked about downplaying the "real life" aspect of this, because everybody knows Shane is already independently wealthy and being out of Vince's will isn't anything. But we ARE willing to suspend disbelief about the part where there is a power struggle over who gets to be WWE's figurehead boss.

Vince then gets all asskissy as he introduces his favorite creation and the instrument of Shane's destruction... the Undertaker.

Taker comes out, and this time, loses his duster and his hat. Whoa.... after years of Taker doing all manner of shaved head/mohawk/short hair, he's going long-hair again. I applaud you, and your Ben Franklin 'do, sir! I probably went a year too long with hair down to my ass before I finally shaved my head, so I salute your bravery at rocking that hairline.

Vince and Taker do a quick exchange in which Vince tries to assert authority by telling Taker never to put his (Taker's) hands on him (Vince) again. Taker just gives Vince a look, and Vince says, "Uhhhhh, yeah, sorry to bring that up. I'm sure it was just an oversight on your part last time, forget I mentioned it."

Then, Vince just glosses over any real motivation for Taker doing this match, and declares that Taker has always been down to make a deal with the devil, and that's why he'll do Vince's bidding and bounce Shane around the Cell until he's just a puddle on the mat. Vince asks Taker to seal their "Unholy Alliance."

Before that happens, Shane's music fires up, and he comes on down. He gets a mic, and tells Vince to shut up, because every time Vince is on TV, it is NOT "best for business." ZING~!

Then Shane turns to Taker, and tries to explain why he thinks he has what it takes to beat Taker. In short, it's speed, strategy, and heart. In long, Shane had an Orton-caliber line-fumble ("You will swing, and I will miss..... um, you will miss"), but I can't blame him, because Shane comes from a time when performers just went out and made their point, and somebody was clearly making him recite words off a page. Bad, writers, BAD!

Shane says when all is said and done, he will keep fighting and fighting and fighting so long as there is even one beat left in hihs heart. Taker responds, "Yeah, and it still ain't gonna be enough." Good line, good delivery. With the hair and the wrinkles, Taker 2016 is like Mike from "Better Call Saul," and that will never not be a great thing.

Taker then does an equally stilted, pre-written bit about his own legacy, and that legacy does not include losing to a punk like Shane at WM. Shane doesn't like Taker's dismissive attitude, so he ramps up the rhetoric: "You're right, for 25 years, you've pretty much been the measuring stick around here. That's why I'm so surprised that you're standing here, dancing around like a puppet, while Vince pulls your strings."

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Taker: "No one, not even him, controls me."

Shane: "Yeah, says you. But from where I stand, I may have the misfortune of being Vince's son... but you're just doing whatever he says, which makes you Vince's BITCH!"

SNAP!!!!!!

Taker tosses his mic, and grabs Shane by the throat... lifts Shane up, but Shane does the mid-air go-behind, and drives Taker into a corner, where he peppers him with about two dozen jabs before Taker can fight out.

Shane is mid-ring, inviting Taker to bring the fight to him. Taker is assessing the situation... and that's when Vince shoves Shane in the back. Shane tumbles right into Taker's hands, and eats the chokeslam.

Vince loves it, and wants to celebrate, but after the allegations of puppeteering, Taker wants none of that, and stares daggers at Vince. Vince rolls out of the ring in an unexpectedly hilarious fashion, clearly scared shitless.

That leaves Taker to survey his handiwork. He eyeballs Shane's carcass, and could easily take liberties with his WM opponent. It'd make his victory easier.... but it might also make Shane's words about being Vince's bitch ring a bit too true.

So ultimately, Taker backs off, and lets Shane roll to safety, before turning to deliver an ambiguous throat slit to Vince, who is up on the stage and tries to act like this is a good thing.

But Taker keeps the death stare on Vince for a while longer, before turning to the crowd. His music plays and he's standing along in the middle of the ring as we fade to black.

And so ends the show... the utter and complete failure of WWE to acknowledge the reality of their Roman Reigns Problem is mighty and indisputable. And frustrating, since it's not Reigns' fault; it's how WWE has used him for the past 16 months (with only one or two glimmers of hope, this has been a persistent condition, not some random blindside fan revolt).

But while Reigns has to be the major talking point coming out of this show, tonight's RAW still has to add up as a really good one. Even in abject failure, Reigns' brawl with HHH was objectively good and intense and fun to watch.... and for me, only a small part of that was the schadenfreude of all those boos. It was just two men brawling their asses off.

HHH really gave it his all, too, so respect for that. Some wankers and HHHaters act like HHH tries to scoop opponents heat, and somehow, HE was responsible for the boos that Reigns got a month ago... but that's just not so, and Hunter's effort tonight shows just how dedicated he is to trying to be The Worst.

Usually, we've reached a point where HHH is a "modern" character, who tells a bit more of a story and is more nuanced, but tonight, he just sold out to the most ridiculously transparent cheap heat tactics and cartoonish "button-pushing" in the hopes that he could get the fans to boo him hard enough that they'd cheer for Reigns, reflexively. Didn't work, but he tried.

The false equivalency -- in which HHH tried to paint Dean Ambrose and Reigns as the exact same guy, so logically, they should get the exact same response -- also flopped, and was just a desperate moonshot of an effort. It was never gonna work, and I would have advised against it, but whatever... to me, it's silly for WWE to even try to paint THEIR hand-picked golden boy that THEY have been shoving down OUR throats (without success, for 16 months) as the grassroots fan favorite and bane of the Authority's existence, but they keep going for it, and they keep whiffing on it. Maybe tonight will finally cause the message to get through that it's time to try something else.

You had a few truly forgettable throwaway segments in there (Ryback/Sin Cara, women's tag, Usos/Outcasts), but they were generally short, and seemed to serve a purpose. Yeah, even if I don't care, a multi-way Total Divas Match IS happening, so that women's tag served that purpose. A shitty purpose. But a purpose.

The Jericho/Neville match gets a INCOMPLETE, for obvious reasons, and I hope there's not actually a serious injury there.... but the segment is still a majorly entertaining victory for Jackwagon Jericho and his feud with Styles.

And then, pretty much everything else was awesome. Tag title match was good, and it got better when you add in the post-match. Ambrose/Lesnar was superb and pitch perfect, and the tag with Foley "passing the torch" was a cool bonus. The previous discussed first-half of HHH's long promo wasn't a success, but the second half was, and set up an even more successful match against Ziggler, one which gets "youtube-worthy" honors. And then, I thought the Taker/Shane stuff at the end was maybe a bit fumbly in execution (only because of the stilted dialogue that SOUNDED like lines on paper, instead of coming across as natural), but got the heart of the issue of "Why, Undertaker?" Maybe we still don't know why, but Shane asking the question, and calling Taker "Vince's Bitch" sure as hell puts the ball in Taker's court, with tons of interesting options now on the table.

I'm happy to slap a grade of B+ on this one. HHH/Reigns is fundamentally broken, and it baffles me why WWE didn't take the chance to change it up, but whatever... I won't ding this RAW because WM32 is gonna be a wacky-ass trainwreck of Reigns Hate. Everything else tonight was not only good, in and of itself, but also seemed to do good for the Road to WM. I'll take it...

See you in 7, kids. Me? I'm off to watch "Saul" before bed. In the name of getting this recap done and still getting in 6 solid hours of sleep, I'm sacrificing the new "E&C Show" until tomorrow. The things I do for you people! [Of course, you know you're always free to thank me!]

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.