OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
"Haha! We Did It, Roman Reigns is No Longer WWE Champ! So Let's Put Him Right Back into a #1 Contenders Match. Haha!"
January 25, 2016

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

We're about a week away from the first presidential primaries here in the USofA. But in the last week, since we last saw each other, a couple things happened that have me completely flummoxed and massively concerned that we, as a nation, aren't qualified to vote on anything more important than the next flavor of Lay's potato chips.

I'm speaking of the "endorsements" gained by Trump and Cruz, which were so awful that they are actually "disqualifications" to the majority of voters.... but somehow, they actually HELP Trump and Cruz with some fringe portion of the electorate who think that guns, racism, homophobia, and an inability to speak in complete sentences are the important core values you need in elected officials.

Specifically, we are talking about the Duck Dynasty idiot who endorsed Cruz, and the Sarah Palin idiot who endorsed Trump.

Look, for the longest time, I've tried to avoid TOTAL cycnicism, and followed the lead of Jon Stewart.... basically: it's one thing to tear into Fox "News" for being intellectually dishonest and outright liars, but when it comes to the actual men and women who seek public office, you grant them a little benefit of the doubt, and try to engage them in serious debate, because they're probably good people who want to do the right thing for Americans, it's just that they have different ideas for how to do it.

Well, after years of taking that high road, screw it, I give up. Because I can no longer believe that the Republicans are going to nominate somebody who actually gives a shit about doing the right things for Americans. They're going to nominate somebody who appeals to a fringe minority of people, seeking to do whatever they want, rather than what's right.

It's not just policies and beliefs, either, anymore. The Duck Dynasty and Palin "endorsements" underscore how far Republican candidates have to go to the fringes to get nominated. Inside their little bubble, those "endorsements" are actually positive things, but out here in the real world, the majority of people are treating Mr. "Shoot a Duck and Cook It" and Lipstick Pig are national punchlines. It's hard for us to fathom how you can see them and not just chuckle at the freakshow.... but for the audience of ill-informed and selfish conservatives, it ain't funny, it's inspiring.

Oy. I'll leave it to others to write discourses on the divisive nature of politics over the past 16 years.... I think the problem is a lot simpler. The Tea Party Fringe are obsessed with the notion that "freedom" and "liberty" are absolutes. But they aren't. This isn't a case where you either have total liberty, or your liberties have been trampled. There are DEGREES of liberties and freedoms, and by living in America, you've agreed to the social contract that exists to ensure the greatest amount of freedom to the greatest number of people.

These far right types have begun to think that "Freedom of Religion" is "Freedom FROM Other People's Religions." Or that "Right to Bear Arms" is "No Background Checks or Qualifications for Gun Ownership, and Oh, Where is My Military Grade Rifle with Armor Piercing Rounds?". Or that "Freedom of Speech" is "I can say whatever I want and nobody is allowed to disagree with me or point out when I'm wrong, so you have to shut the hell up, because FREEDOM OF SPEECH."

Honestly, if you've ever seen a Christian claim that their religious freedoms are being threatened, you've seen (a) someone who doesn't know what words mean, or (b) someone who is knowingly saying false shit to advance their own selfish agenda. But the guns and free speech stuff (and every other liberty granted by the Bill of Rights) results in plenty of frustrating moments when somebody thinks their freedoms are being trampled just because ANOTHER PERSON IS EXERCISING THE EXACT SAME FREEDOMS. The only way for them to be truly happy, and convinced they have Freedom and Liberty, is if NO ONE ELSE DOES.

Which brings me back to this idea that I can no longer believe that all politicians really want to do what is Right For Americans, even if they have different ideas of how to accomplish it. Some people just want to do what they want to do, and don't care that they are in the minority. They long since gave up on wanting to do the research and the work to be RIGHT, and decided tha all that matters is WINNING so that you can do whatever thing it is that you believe in this week.

I hate that I've become this cynical, but I have no choice. I just don't know how else to deal with the fact that there is even one person in this country who saw Sarah Palin do what she did last week, and decided "Hmmmm, I like the cut of her jib. I hereby believe whatever she believes. Trump 2016!" Because the only acceptable response to that was, "Holy shit, this crazy lady is hereby disqualified from ever holding public office, and by extension, anyone she endorses for public office should also be disqualified."

I apologize for that lengthy rant, but as we finally get to the ACTUAL PART WHERE THE ELECTION PROCESS HAPPENS, after fricking 2 and a half years of bullshit hype, the cold, harsh reality is setting in.... and I had to say something.

Now that I've said it, I shouldn't have to say it again. At least, not until November. In the meantime, I'll endeavor to keep the PreRambles light, and as always, the recaps shall be the finest displays of wit, charm, and wordsmithery currently available on the internets. Here's what happened on tonight's RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those With ADD (or Too Cheap to Shell out $9.99): OO does not recap recaps.

ALL HHHAIL....

And we're live in Miami, FL, where Vince McMahon and Stephanie are already on their way to the ring. Once they get there, they are treated to overwhelming boos from the crowd. Vince grumpily tries to get them to shut up, but Steph points out that they've got nothing to be upset about, because the Royal Rumble went pretty much perfectly them.

So Vince cheers up and starts rubbing it in, claiming responsibility for "breaking" Roman Reigns, and claiming that once a man is broken, he stays broken, so the fans might as well forget about Roman Reigns. The audience doesn't seem too fazed by this.

Vince continues with a "shocking" revelation.... he's gonna make a confession for the very first time in his entire life. That confession? He (Vince) takes joy in the misfortune of others. Yes, shocking. Vince rambles on, as the audience further drifts into boredom. They start "WHAT?"-ing Vince.

Steph takes over, and gloats that even as the Rumble was playing out, with tons of surprises and twists and turns, she was perfectly confident, because she knew all along that Triple H was entering at #30. She also re-engages the audience, by essentially doing a role call of all the guys who seemed on the verge of victory.... oh, you thought it would be Roman? How about that Dean Ambrose? To say nothing of AJ Styles...

She waits out a pretty big "AY JAY STY YILLS" chant, and then brings it back around to her main point: Triple H is the awesomest thing that ever awesomed, and here he is!

Cue up the Motorhead, and HHH hits the stage, wearing the title belt until his buttons suit coat. Then, a big over-done unbuttoned, and he shows off the title to the unappreciative crowd.

HHH gets to the ring and gets on the mic. He immediately puts over Roman Reigns, saying that he's an incredible athlete and an incredible competitor, and he could totally be That Guy. But while he "could be," he isn't. And it's because he's lacking character and good sense of a real champion, and his lack of respect for the Authority -- and by extension, for the McMahon family, who created this entire business -- that Triple H took it upon himself to make sure that Reigns would not continue to be the ungrateful face of the company that he doesn't properly appreciate.

So if people are looking for a reason, there it is. Triple H admits that he's already a Hall of Famer, the owner of one of the most amazing careers in history, and already well on his way to being just as transformative a force in the front office.... he doesn't need to be in the ring, and he doesn't need to be WWE Champion. But when the alternative is Roman Reigns, well.... in that case, HHH WANTS to be WWE Champion. Because it's best for business.

Then Stephanie jumps in again. She says that while dethroning Roman Reigns was their main priority last night, now, it's time to look forward.... to WrestleMania 32. She puts the entire roster on notice, and tells them that tonight would be a good night to be on their best behavior.... because tonight, the Authority will be evaluating everyone, and whoever impresses them as having the adequate talents AND respect will head to Fastlane, and a match to determine the new #1 Contender, and the man who will face HHH in the WWE Title Main Event of WrestleMania 32.

Well, OK. That's interesting that they're just tossing out the notion that Reigns gets an obligatory rematch.... but it gets re-uninteresting when you realize that there's no way they aren't doing HHH/Reigns at WM. Let's at least give it a chance, though....

Later Tonight: AJ Styles makes his WWE singles debut, and it's against Chris Jericho. Sign. Me. Up.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. KEVIN OWENS

The standard flashy babyface start gets taken to another level here, as they're pushing the story that Owens was absolutely decimated last night. True enough: he had a brutal Last Man Standing Match against Ambrose, and then followed that up with a solid 15 minute tour of duty in the Rumble Match.

Ergo, the opening few minutes are all ZIggler, until Owens gets chucked out of the ring, lands with a thud, and appears as though he'll need a few moments to regroup. Break in the action means we break for...

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Back, and Owens has, in fact, gotten his stuff together, and is working over Ziggler with punches and forearms, before settling in for a visit to Chinlock City. A split screen reveals that, during the break, Ziggler followed Owens outside the ring, and Owens introduced him to the ring post to turn the tide.

After a few moments, ZIggler powers out of the chinlock, and snaps off a flash Fameasser for a near fall. Dolph follows up with a sleeperhold, but Owens backs him into a turnbuckle to break it....Owens follows up with a cannonball in the corner and a German Suplex. But then, as Owens charges ZIggler, he runs into a superkick.

That nets a near fall for Ziggler, who keeps the pressure on with punches and headbutts. Then, he props Owens up on the top rope for a superplex.... but Owens fights out and shoves Ziggler to the mat. A quick back and forth grapple, and Owens nails the Pop-up Powerbomb to finish things off.

Your Winner: Kevin Owens, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Pretty much a match in three acts: the first, slow act as Owens sold last night. Then, whatever the hell happened during the ad break. And lastly, a really really good End Game that started as soon as Ziggler got out of the chinlock. Owens didn't win anything last night, but he was still one of the biggest stars of the night with his performance.... and tonight, he IS a winner, so he's in prime position heading into WM Season. I still vote he's the right guy to draw Undertaker Duty.

Backstage: Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo Jr. catches up to Roman Reigns, and actually recites some of Vince's "WHAT?"-induced drivel from earlier (it was bad and stilted the first time, it was no better the second time around), and asks for Roman's thoughts about how he's supposedly "broken." Predictably, Roman disagrees with Vince's theory, and says he'll be proving his point later tonight. Whee.

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CELEBRITY CROSSOVER THEATRE

We return to the Social Outcasts already assembled in the ring. Heath Slater says they're going to treat the crowd to a few words of wisdom.... but then, he gets distracted when he spots rapper Flo Rida sitting in the front row. [He is the one responsible for "My House," which is a terrible track that WWE is using as a WM32 theme song.]

Heath claims that the last time Flo was on WWE TV, he got his business handed to him by Heath. Of course, that's not quite how it went down. But that doesn't stop Slater from threatening Flo Rida and telling him to stay in his seat or else risk severe consequences.

The other outcasts chime in, and along the way, Adam Rose gives Slater a new nickname ("The Red Dragon"), while Axel basically dares Flo to step in the ring and do something.

So Flo decides to jump in. Slater reveals that he's not interested in a fight, afterall.... but hey, how about a Rap Battle?!? Flo vs. Heath? Nope.... Heath says it's gonna be Flo Rida vs. BO Rida!

Bo offers up 3 or 4 verses of intentionally awful rhymes, ending with a reference to "Full House." Flo takes his turn, and uses it to reveal that the Outcasts have a match, and it's against the Dudley Boyz.

The Dudleys enter, and that match will be coming up after these...

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THE DUDLEYS (w/ Flo Rida) vs. BO DALLAS/CURTIS AXEL (w/ Heath Slater and Adam Rose)

Time compression in effect, but the Outcasts keep it fun. As soon as they gain control, Bo dives out of the ring, and leads "The BO Train" in a victory lap around the ring.... said Bo Train is derailed when Flo Rida steps in the way. Boo!

Bo turns the train around, and turns attention back to the match. He and Axel get another minute or so of offense, but then Bubba gets a hot tag to Devon. The Dudleys get a huge rally, and when Heath tries to interfere, Flo Rida jumps up on the apron and drops him. That leaves Bubba and Devon to finish off Axel with 3-D.

Your Winners: the Dudleys, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Short, ultimately pointless, but still pretty fun.

Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with AJ Styles, and asks him "You've wrestled all over the world, but for fans of WWE, just who, exactly, is AJ Styles?" Styles gets about a half dozen words in, and then Chris Jericho jumps into frame. Jericho does an enthusiastic job of running down AJ's resume, and keeps it genuine and sincere as he says that it took a while, but it's great that AJ made it to WWE, because he belongs here. But then, right at the very end, Jericho flips a switch, and gets all douchey as he says he can't wait to see what AJ can do, so Good Luck, Junior.

AJ seems to sense the change in tone, and isn't really flattered. But he really SHOULD have been more grateful for Jericho doing a better job conveying his qualifications than AJ could have done on his own. For all AJ's talents and skills, he's still a Black Hole of Gravitas when it comes to mic work.

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AJ STYLES vs. CHRIS JERICHO

AJ's got music and a Tron video, but it seems the production crew have zero idea for how to present it on TV. Camera angles and cuts are just sloppy and random (and it was basically the same last night, too).... c'mon, get it together, guys.

Bell rings, and they go for the basic feeling-out back-and-forth, as there's a vibe of mutual respect. About one minute in, with no holds other than a side headlock being displayed, the crowd decides to chant "THIS IS AWE SOME." You wankers.

When neither guy can establish an advantage with the scientific grappling, they amp up the hostility a bit, adding in basic strikes (kicks, chops, clotheslines). Jericho finally gains control when he catches Styles with his springboard inside-out dropkick. Slowly, he also adds in a bit of trashtalk, and when Styles manages a hope spot, Jericho dickishly snuffs it out by yanking Styles leg off the rope on a springboard move.

Styles lands hard, and Jericho gives a little smirk as we break for....

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Back, and Jericho is working a ...... wait for it..... wait for it..... a CHINLOCK.

But only for about 30 seconds, as Style elbows out of it.... both men step back, bounce off the ropes, a duck and criss cross, and then both guys go for a crossbody at the same time. They collide in the middle of the ring.

Ref applies a double count, but both guys are up at 7, and we've got a Match Reset. They start by trading punches, and then things break in AJ's favor. A couple of near falls after stiff kicks for AJ. Jericho responds with a Northern Lights for a near fall. AJ bridges out and turns it into a backslide for another near fall.

Back and forth exchange, and AJ hits a springboard clothesline. For the first time, it's a convincing near fall that elicits a big response. AJ goes for a Frankensteiner, but Jericho turns it into the Liontamer. Yes, the full sit-back crab, and Cole even called it a Liontamer, instead of the Walls of Jericho. Nice.

The extra torque creates extra drama as Styles fights it, and finally gets a rope break. Styles ducks Jericho's first charge after releasing the hold, and immediately hits the Pele Kick. Jericho down, and Styles heads up top. He goes for a Frog Splash, but Jericho rolls out of the way.

Jericho with the Lionsault, but AJ gets the knees up to block it. AJ sets up the Styles Clash. Jericho picks an ankle and turns it into a roll-up.... Styles flips out and goes right into a pinning combo of his own... one.... two... and THREE!

Your Winner: AJ Styles, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Good match in a vacuum, maybe a few notches shy of youtube-worthy, but damned fine. However, once you put it in context, it gets even better given the significance of AJ's WWE debut, and for that reason, you might want to make sure you see it. The right opponent, the right outcome, an audience that was on board... everyting clicked. After the match, Styles offered a handshake to Jericho, who accepted. But then Jericho held onto the shake for extra long, and pulled Styles in close for a threatening glare, which then gave way to a cocky grin as Jericho walked away. Boo?

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BECKY LYNCH vs. SASHA BANKS

So it appears that Sasha is on her own, now, as the reshuffling of the division continues to let the individual women showcase unique personalities (rather than treating them as game pieces to be moved around the board, which is basically what WWE did for 6 months after the "Diva Revolution").

In Sasha's case, that means still being pretty cocky and bully-ish, no matter what percentage of fans are inclined to cheer for her. She mocks and taunts Becky for being a loser who can't win the big one, which leads to Becky flying into a rage and rattling off a series of moves.

But then Sasha dodges a corner charge, and takes control.... in distressingly short order, it leads to the Banks Statement. But before it's fully cinched in, Charlotte runs in and attacks.

Your Winner: Sasha Banks, via DQ, in about 4 minutes. Not much of a match, but by having Charlotte attack Sasha to cause the DQ, and then attacking Becky, too, it gets us one step closer to what could be an outstanding triple threat match.

Backstage: Goldust is looking for R-Truth, and finds him. I won't bother trying to transcribe the bizarre exchange, but it was Goldust back to his old stuttering, entendre spewing, pan-sexual self, as he invited Truth to be his new partner. Truth misunderstood, and "hilarity" ensued.

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Thursday on SmackDown: Chris Jericho will have both Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose as guests on the Highlight Reel. Curiouser and curiouser...

KANE vs. BRAY WYATT (w/ Harper/Rowan/Strowmann)

Kane blows his corner pyro before the match, so we all know that bodes ill for his chances.... as if the simple fact that Wyatt is now feuding with Brock Lesnar (with a WM match all but certain) while Kane will be an afterthought in the Andre Battle Royale wasn't enough ill-boding for Kane's chances.

But Kane's not gonna go down without a fight. So he gets off to a fast start, and after all of 90 seconds, Bray dives out of the ring to regroup with his brothers. So we break for...

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Back, and Bray's working.... jesus, do I even have to say it? But while Bray's doing his homage to Randall Orton, a guy dressed as Randy Savage is in the third row, playing to the audience. Fake Savage's issue with security is of greater interest to the audience than the match. But eventually, he heeds the warnings and stops making a spectacle of himself.

And then Bray hit Sister Abigail

Your Winner: Bray Wyatt, via pinfall, in 5 minutes. Yep, WWE snuck a 3 minute ad break into a 5 minute match, which is just an unconscienable crime against the most basic tenants of time management. A squash match that already tests the viewers' patience AND you cram an ad break in there, too? Genius.

Backstage: a big limo has arrived, and Rich Brennan hits the scene to scope it out, because a "major WWE star is returning," and he's assuming that star in is that limo.

But it's Miz, instead. Miz is all "Haha, it's me. Who needs a returning star, when the A-Lister is already here?" Well, Miz, we all do.

Luckily, one returns, as if on cue. A black pick-up screeches to a halt behind the limo, and out steps..... THE ROCK~!

Rocky proceeds to saunter through the backstage hallways, trying to make his way to the arena floor. Along the way, he bumps into music industry titan Rick Ross, and the two share a hug and some yuks.

Then, down the hallway some more, and Rock spots Big Show dicking around on his laptop... Rocky goes over to Show, and the two do a relatively cordial greeting. But then Rock tells Show a story about how he's got the WWE Network, and he loves it, and just last week, Rocky was watching the one Royal Rumble where Rocky and Big Show were the last two guys in the ring, and it had a controversial finish where Show clotheslined Rocky, and they both went over the top rope, but Rocky held on and was declared the winner. Well, Rocky watch it again, and he admits that his feet DID touch the floor, and Big Show could have won. With a big phoney laugh, Rock is all, "Wow, can you imagine? What if Hollywood execs were out in that crowd, and they decided Whoever wins this Rumble, we're putting him in the Scorpion King. And even though I got it, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU. Man, how crazy would that have been, if you had my career, and I had yours...."

The whole time Rock is telling this story, Big Show gets more and more depressed thinking about it, until he snaps his laptop in two and begins crying. Heh. I know I've said my piece about "Weepy Bitch Big Show" in the past, and how it should never happen again. Well, I take it back. Tonight, for the first (and probably ONLY) time ever, "Weepy Bitch Big Show" was pretty funny.

Having spun that alternate reality yarn, Rocky continues down the hall. He spots Pat Patterson, and wishes him a happy birthday. Down the hall. And there's Lana.

Rock, Rusev, and Lana had a little exchange on the RAW after SummerSlam, and so Rock riffs on how he totally owned Rusev that night, and then afterwards, he went to Lana's hotel room and had his way with her. Unlike the rest of Rocky's schtick, this wasn't exactly, uhhhhh, fun. Back 15 years ago, Rocky's "struedel" moments with Lilian were always pretty entertaining.... but two things: (1) as a society, we had a much more relaxed attitude towards sexual harassment 15 years ago, and (2) you could always tell Lilian was a willing participant, but given what is widely known about Lana being in WWE's doghouse, and WWE writers/officials telling guys to go ahead and slut-shame her on TV to punish her, it's just hard to laugh.... eventually Rusev shows up, so Rock stops talking about how much fun he had doing the hot sweaty monkey sex with Lana, and discovers that Lana and Rusev are now engaged. So he offers up (insincere) best wishes and then moves along...

Finally, the Rock arrives at the Gorilla Position, and says it's time to do this thing. He counts down from 3, his music hits, and he steps through the curtain to being the "official" part of his segment.

ROOTY TOOTY BOOTY, OR ROOTIE POO CANDYASSES?

That whole thing with the Rock took a good 7-8 minutes, and now we're crossing over the top of the hour, and not taking a break while he does his full ring entrance, so I guess the reason why WWE invited us to change the channel there is so that the Rock could get 25 minutes of uninterrupted TV time.

Rock finally gets to the ring, and points to the WM logo, and wants to know if we're ready? No, really, ARE. WE. READY? A bit of prepared material flops (Rock pretended to not know Byron Saxton's name; it'd have been way funnier if he just absent mindedly called him Jonathan Coachman, instead), and so the crowd amuses itself by once again chanting for RAN DEE SA VIDGE, because Fake Randy and his crew have formed a Voltron in the front row.

Rock decides not to fight it, and instead declares, "OK, let's go off script." He goes out and talks to Fake Savage, as well as Fake Hogan, Fake Taker, and Fake Rock. The Fake Hogan is particularly dipshitty, leading Rocky to quip, "Man, they must have some good weed here in Miami."

Then, back into the ring, and back to the script, where Rocky rattles off one of his little sing-songy rhymes, which ends with "We're rockin' Miami, and we're starting to trend / So [scarface] Say Hello to my Little Friend!." [/scarface]

But before Rocky can get down to business, Big E's voice booms over the sound system, and he asks the Rock not to be sour, and feel the power.... the New Day hit the ring, and along the way, they tell the Rock that Byron Saxton is the greatest announcers in WWE, put themselves over as the greatest tag team in the company, mock Miami by mentioning LeBron James, and then accuse Rocky of doing the same thing as LeBron: claiming to call Miami home just long enough to cash a few big paychecks, and then selling out (to Cleveland, nad Hollywood, respectively).

It's time for the Rock to retort. He seems sincere as he says, "The Rock actually knows exactly who you are." TND: "As you should." ROCK: "You're clearly very talented, and have the gold to prove it." TND: "Damned straight." ROCK: "And really entertaining." TND: "Damned straight."

Then, the punchline, "And it's gotta be tougt to be entertaining when you're all wearing llama penises on your heads." Ahhh, yes, llama penis. Thanks for that mental image, Rocky.

This leads to some back and forth in which the New Day try to educate the Rock about unicorns, and the Rock questions Big E's gender, because of his voluptuous breasts. Tensions start running high, and the Rock decides to issue a challenge: he invites the New Day into the ring, so he can snap that trombone in three, and shove it up each of their candyasses!

The New Day figure the fans would just love to see that. Right? Damned straight! So of course, they decline, and say the fans are not worthy. The New Day retreat up the ramp, as the Rock says "OK, waitwaitwait, I'm sorry, that didn't go like I wanted. But give the Rock a chance. The Rock has a Plan B that he thinks will work."

The New Day stop, and ask "What's Plan B?" And while I'm thinking this will somehow turn into a riff on that one scene in "The Rundown" ("There is no Plan C!"), it's actually much more straight forward: Plan B is "Family."

The Usos music hits, and they come on down, dragging the New Day with them. Rock Bottom for Big E. Stereo Superkicks for Kofi. Then a double Samoan Drop on Eggsavier Woods, which leaves him splayed out in the middle of the ring. So The Rock hits the People's Elbow to a huge pop.

Then, interestingly, Rocky cuts off a celebration to the Usos' music to tell the crowd, "We will see you again at WrestleMania. If ya smell what the Rock is cooking?" Is it possible the Rock is cooking up a six-man tag? He's not allowed to wrestle a full match, because he can't get insurance to cover him (he's in the middle of filming a movie starting in March, and when he wrestled Cena in 2013, he got injured and delayed production of "Hercules" for 6 weeks as a result).... but maybe if he can "hide" in a 6-man, he can get cleared for that?

In other words, about 20 paragraphs and 1500 words ago, I said something about the Rock needed 25 uninterrupted minutes to do his thing. I said that, thinking I was being ridiculously hyperbolic. But nope, that's about where it came in: 25 full minutes.

I guess if you MUST screw yourself over on time management, this is just about the best and most entertaining reason to do so. If the Rock says he's feeling like making one of his twice or thrice annual cameos, you let the man have all the time he wants, because it always ends up being worth it.

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NATALYA & PAIGE vs. BRIE BELLA & ALICIA FOX

For the second week in a row, Nattie's back on my TV, which is good. Paige is also back in action, after a month off due to concussion, which is even better.

But it's mostly just an excuse to talk about Total Divas, which is soul-crushingly awful.

Your Winners: Paige & Nattie, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. I hope you enjoyed your 2 minute advertisement for braindead "reality" TV.

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KALISTO vs. THE MIZ (Non-Title Match)

Before the match, Miz grabs a mic and starts ranting about how he's so sick and tired of being disrespected and interrupted by jabronies like the Rock.... so of course, he's interrupted in mid-sentence by Kalisto's music.

The new US Champ gets off to a high flying start. That continues for 2-3 minutes until Miz decides to bail out and regroup. Break in the action means we break for....

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Back, and Miz is working over Kalisto, thanks to yanking Kalisto off the top rope during the commercials. Miz is really being a jerk, not just playing the big bully card, but also going after Kalisto's mask and everything.

Kalisto gets a hope spot when he interrupts Miz's backbreaker/neckbreaker combo, and turns it into a backslide pinning combo after just the backbreaker half. Then Miz back on offense for a bit, until he makes the mistake of letting the fans get under his skin. Miz spends a good 45 seconds yelling at the crowd, and when he rejoins the fight, Kalisto has recovered.

Babyface fire-up for the champ leads up to a final back and forth exchange in which Miz snatches the full nelson set-up for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Kalisto instantly jumps up to springboard off the top rope, flipping behind Miz into the Salida del Sol.

Your Winner: Kalisto, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Match was objectively mediocre in terms of action, but to me, it seemed like Miz was going out of his way to be more enormously dickish than he has in a while, and combined with Kalisto's perpetual underdogginess, it actually created a bit of tension and drama.

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ROMAN REIGNS & DEAN AMBROSE vs. SHEAMUS & RUSEV (w/ Alberto del Rio & Wade Barrett)

Last summer and autumn, Ambrose usually joined Reigns on his through-the-audience entrance, but tonight, they each get individual entrances because, hey, it's not like this show has massive time management issues, and it's already 10:50 pm (eastern), and the LoN hasn't entered yet, and we still have a Main Event Promo by the Authority AFTER this match!

Reigns and Sheamus start, and after some back and forth slobberknockery, Reigns gets the better of it. Reigns and Ambrose actually trade several tags in the opening 2 minutes, keeping things firmly in control. It builds up to Ambrose hitting a crazy dive from the top rope to the floor onto both Sheamus and Rusev.

Two minutes of action is plenty! Let's all enjoy some....

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Back, and it's Sheamus and Reigns. I'll give you one guess as to what hold Sheamus has on Reigns.

Reigns powers out of the chinlock in short order, and flattens Sheamus with a clothesline. Tag to Ambrose, but there is no corresponding move. Ambrose goes to town on Sheamus. He had just as tough a night as Owens did last night, but he's not showing it.

It's a solid couple of minutes for Ambrose, until Rusev keeps the ref distracted, allowing del Rio to shove Ambrose off the top rope, causing him to tumble to the floor. ADR also tosses Ambrose around at ringside, including into the Timekeeper Cubicle, before the ref starts to restore order.

Just like that, Ambrose is your Level 2 Face in Peril. The LoN intend to keep it that way, with Sheamus and Rusev making frequent tags and keeping Ambrose in the enemy corner.

Eventually, Sheamus gets a little too big for his britches, and loses focus. Sheamus starts trashtalking more than he's fighting, giving Ambrose the opening he needs to hit a rebound clothesline, and then get the tag to Reigns.

Corresponding move to Rusev, who takes the brunt of Reigns attack, including the Driveby, and the 10 pack of corner clotheslines. Reigns steps back and cocks the fist for the Superman Punch, but Barrett hops up on the apron to cause a brief distraction.

As a result, Reigns runs into a thrust kick by Rusev. Quick tag to Sheamus. Brogue Kick hits! But Ambrose breaks it up. Very quick Pier Four Brawl, then Ambrose and Rusev powder out, leaving Reigns to hit a Spear on Sheamus to end it.

Your Winners: Reigns & Ambrose, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. Not bad, but way too formulaic to keep the crowd engaged, as they are still waiting for the announcement by the Authority about Fastlane, and a real climax/punchline to the show. Meh.

After the Match: Reigns and Ambrose took out the entire League of Nations, culminating in a doubleteam powerbomb that put Rusev though the announce table.

After After the Match: Stephanie came out on the stage to reveal the main event for Fastlane... Triple H will defend his WWE Title at WrestleMania against the winner of a Triple Threat Match: Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar. Cole & the Gang start shrieking about how this is a huge deal, while the crowd is dead quiet and clearly underwhelmed. Just like me. THUD.

And so ends the show... and you know what? I think WWE just showed us what WrestleMania is gonna be like, unless they make some significant changes to their plans.

Tonight's RAW had some really good, fun stuff on the undercard. But everything about the main event/WWE Title picture was just wildly off the mark. If HHH/Reigns for the WWE Title headlines WM32, it has a chance of being a trainwreck of Lesnar/Goldberg proportions, with fans outright rejecting it as a valid contest, and causing the rest of the show -- which is likely to feature some pretty awesome bits -- to forever reside in the shadow of WrestleCrap.

So OK, we got AJ Styles making his singles debut in a really solid match against Jericho. We got a really good Owens/Ziggler match that instantly puts Owens back in prime position for WM. The women's division is tantalizingly close to a super awesome Charlotte/Becky/Sasha tripl threat. And the Rock, my goodness, THE ROCK showed up and was (mostly) high-larious and even got to go back-and-forth with the equally entertaining New Day.

That seems like the makings of a very dandy RAW. But then there's this whole messed up HHH/Reigns thing. Let me be very clear that I ACTUALLY WANTED TO SEE HHH/REIGNS AT WM32, and thought it could be a pretty excellent match that helped Reigns to continue gaining the support of the fanbase. But when you add the title in, that's all out the window. [It would take several paragraphs to fully explain, but just as a quickie piece of evidence: the Rumble crowd cheered widly when HHH eliminated Reigns. But when HHH actually won the match and the title, there was equal parts tepid cheering and frustrated grumbling. HHH and Reigns in a grudge match? YAY! HHH and Reigns, and the WWE Title is involved? Yuck.]

Even taking out the (utterly predictable) way in which the fans will shit all over a HHH/Reigns title match at WM, here's a pretty significant problem:

ALL OF DECEMBER/JANUARY: "The Authority do everything they can to try to make sure Roman Reigns is no longer the WWE Champion."

ROYAL RUMBLE: "The Authority successfully relieves Roman Reigns of the WWE Title."

THE VERY NEXT NIGHT: "The Authority, of its own volition and under no pressure, just goes and puts Roman Reigns back into a #1 Contender Match. You know, because they don't ever want him to be champion."

This is a level of mind-bendingly shitty storytelling that makes it impossible for anyone over the age of 8 to really buy in and suspend disbelief. It's bad enough that most WWE fans view Reigns as Vince's hand-picked Golden Boy, who has been pushed too hard and too fast against OUR will, but WWE tries to frame it as Reigns being OUR guy who is everything the Authority hates.... but now, you add in this extra layer of stupidity, in which the Authority vanquished Reigns, and unequivocally WON, only to instantaneously put Reigns right back in position to win the title. Not pressured into putting Reigns in there. Not forcing Reigns to jump through all kinds of hoops to get in there. Just putting him in there.

So bad.

It was made a bit worse, for me, because I'm an eternal optimist, and when Steph did that whole spiel about scouting high and low to find the most deserving guys for the #1 Contender Match, I let myself envision some kind of unexpected swerve that would lead to a major shake-up of the projected WM32 card.

But nope. Lesnar and Ambrose are in the mix, which (thankfully) opens up the possibility of WM32 being a Triple Threat for the WWE Title.... at least, that way, the fans would have SOMEbody to root for, instead of just crapping all over the entire concept. But mostly, this is a deal where WWE's made it clear since last autumn that Reigns/HHH was their plan for Mania, so it's really hard to believe that the Fastlane match is gonna change anything.

It's damned depressing, and I want to stop thinking about it now. So I will. That was an enjoyable 2 hours and 50 minutes of easy A-minus material.... but it was capped off by 15 mintues of grade-F crapola: a half-assed tag match and an ultra-shitty announcement that just killed whatever sense of enjoyment the live crowd had, and also whatever sense of enjoyment I was having.

I sincerely believe this is the exact same phenomenon we'll all be feeling at WM32 if WWE stubbornly continues down this path. Let's cross our fingers and hope that WWE will, instead, use tonight's shortcomings as a learning experience, so that they need not repeat them.

I guess I'll go with a final grade of C+, and see you all again in 7, when perhaps we'll see the WWE Title situation start to back away from The Suck, so it can slowly catch up to the rest of the show.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.