OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Ready to Rumble
January 18, 2016

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

You've no doubt missed PyroFalkon over the course of the last 4 months or so. Where's he been? NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS!

Well, actually, I'll leave it up to Pyro to decide how much is or is not your business, as he's making his victorious return to OO on Sunday night. He's coming back to handle the Royal Rumble Recap, and then back on duty for the recently revitalized SmackDown on Thursday nights...

Speaking of which, SD made it two-for-two in the new USA Network Era... last week's show had two really, really good matches. Alberto del Rio regained the US Title from Kalisto in one (he needed a lot of help from the LoN to pull it off). And in the main event, Ambrose/Neville vs. Owens/Sheamus was just pitch-perfect. Good show opening promo segment (Ambrose/Sheamus/Owens), too. And the Dudleys/Wyatts tables match wasn't too shabby, either.

SD is definitely worming its way back to must-watch status, after slipping to "DVR it and see if you can find time over the weekend" status the last couple months of 2015.

And RAW? Well, Monday is and always will be Wrestling Night, which makes RAW "must-watch-on-the-same-night" material. Even if only so we can all bitch about how shitty it was before we go to bed. Let's see what WWE serves up tonight, just six days before the second best PPV of the year:

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc, and we're live in Columbus, OH (tomorrow night, the crew comes here to Dayton for SmackDown tapings!), where Cole & The Gang offer up a few words of welcome, including hype for Brock Lesnar appearing on the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho. But then, it's time to send it down to the ring, because Roman Reigns' music just hit.

JERICHO IS AUTHORITAH?

And there's the WWE Champion, making his way to the ring, through the crowd, as is his wont. During his travels, we get about 90 seconds of highlights from last week's Very Special One-on-One Handicap Match main event. Let us all pause to remember that OO does not recap recaps. Especially not recaps of infuriatingly nonsensical baitandswitchery like last week's main event.

Reigns grabs a mic once he's in the ring, and does not mince words... Brock Lesnar besmriched him last Monday, and Reigns would like a chance to respond to Brock, face-to-face, man-to-man. So Brock, get on out here, and let's do this~!

No Brock.

Instead, we Break the Walls Down, and Chris Jericho heads to the ring, once again sporting a delightfuly idiotic and douchey ensemble (jeans, tuxedo jacket, no shirt), and once again displaying a self-centered egoism that's one notch too high to be endearing. He tells Reigns that while there is no Brock Lesnar, he's got something better than Brock: the Ayatollah yadda yadda yadda.

Also, he's got the WWE logo on his mic turned upside-down, Miz-style. So for the third week in a row, I'm going to suggest that Jericho is clearly just marking time until a big reveal that he's gonna play the heel at WM32. Either that, or he's having a blast planting all these seeds as a red herring. Seriously. The dumb-ass outfits could just be an honest miscalculation, but the Miz Mic? That's on purpose, baby. To what end, though?

Jericho offers Reigns a compromise.... if Roman wants to talk to Brock, face-to-face, maybe Reigns could drop by the Highlight Reel later tonight. It would be the biggest Highlight Reel of all time, with the three absolute favorites to win the Royal Rumble all in one place!

Reigns isn't exactly blown away by Jericho's unselfless act, but figures "What the hell else am I gonna do tonight? so he accepts...

And that's when the League of Nations hit the stage, and Sheamus waits out a "YOU LOOK STOO PID" chant before laying into Jericho for his dunderheadedness.... there are 27 other men in the Royal Rumble besides Jericho/Reigns/Lesnar, all with a an equal chance to win. And in Sheamus' case, it's a more than equal chance, because he had his WWE Title stolen from him by Roman Reigns, and he can't wait to do whatever it takes to regain it at the Rumble. If Jericho wants a star-studded Highlight Reel, with all the favorites to win the Rumble, he better invite Sheamus, or else Jericho is stupid.

Jericho replies with the predictable rant about who looks stupid, and basically declines to invite Sheamus on the show.

Alberto del Rio takes a turn, and calls Jericho a clueless ingrate, because he's never even won a Rumble Match, unlike ADR, and therefore any talk of Jericho being favored to win without putting ADR in the discussion is unacceptable.

Jericho says "Alberto del Rio" is Spanish for "jackass." Ha? The phoned-in halfassery of Jericho's zings also point to him wanting us to sour on him, in preparation for a heel turn, if you ask me.

Rusev takes a turn, and rants in mostly-not-English, before closing with a boast that he or one of the LoN will win the Rumble, guaranteed!

Jericho points out that Roman Reigns won the Rumble last year.... and guess who he eliminated last, to win it? Yep, Rusev. This just makes Rusev angrier, and cross words are exchanged until Reigns basically says "Hey, if you're so upset, why don't we fight about it?"

Rusev accepts, and it looks like that match is gonna happen RIGHT NOW.

But as Rusev hits the ring, flanked by Sheamus/ADR/Barrett, Jericho suggests a tweak.... since Rusev is bringing back-up, why don't we even the odds? Jericho appoints himself as Special Referee.

Reigns vs. Rusev, with Jericho as the ref is NEXT. By which we mean, after these....

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ROMAN REIGNS vs. RUSEV (w/ the League of Nations) (Chris Jericho as Special Referee)

Holy crap! For the first time since returning to WWE, Chris Jericho is wearing a shirt! His ridiculous string of vest-no-shirt, leather-jacket-no-shirt, tuxedo-jacket-no-shirt is over, thanks to the requirement that he don the Zebra Stripes of Officiating Power!

Power based onslaught by Reigns to start. Rusev bails out and regroups with his crew. Rusev is briefly focused for a flurry of moves, but Reigns snuffs that out, and continues a punchy-kicky offensive for a minute or two, until Sheamus distracts Jericho, while Barrett distracts Reigns.

Blindside clubbering by Rusev, and just like that, Reigns is crumpled in a heap. As Rusev taunts the crowd, we break for....

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Back, and Rusev has Reigns cinched in a side headlock. Reigns powers out with a backdrop suplex, but can't follow up. Both men down, so ref starts a double count.

When both men get up, Reigns goes on a Clothesline Rampage, culminating in the 10 Pack of Corner Clotheslines. Reigns goes for a Samoan Drop, but Rusev elbows out of it, and hits a flash thrust kick for a near fall.... Jericho seemed to count a bit slow, either intentionally or not, I dunno, but he was slow.

Rusev hoists Reigns up on his shoulders, and walks up to the second rope, with Reigns. Reigns has to fight out, and drops to the mat in position to pull Rusev off the second rope with a modified powerbomb. Reigns steps back and calls for the Superman Punch....

But ADR gets up on the apron to distract Jericho, while Sheamus simultaneously yanks Reigns out of the ring and whips him into the barricade. Jericho didn't see it, but he puts the pieces together and ejects Sheamus.

King Barrett erupts, and gets in Jericho's face, arguing the ejection of Sheamus. So Jericho just ejects Barrett, too, with extra hot dogging. And then, you guessed it, del Rio decides to register his displeasure, so Jericho ejects him, too. In so doing, Jericho goes full Frank Drebbin On Speed from the baseball scene in the Naked Gun, including a cartwheel, as he tosses ADR. Out-freaking-standing.

Rusev is just standing in a corner, watching in disbelief.... he makes the mistake of approaching Jericho to argue, and before you can blink, Reigns leaps into frame and delivers a Superman Punch. Jericho counts at normal speed, and gets to three.

Your Winner: Roman Reigns, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Nothing much to sink your teeth into, match-wise.... but for the purposes of the Rumble match, we need Reigns looking strong, and this did just that, but with enough extracurricular action that it doesn't completely expose the LoN, either. Jericho's coked-up antics while ejecting ADR were worth the price of admission on their own, too.

I'm also gonna say this, with regards to Jericho: last week, he made a match, and he put himself in the Usos' corner... tonight, he made a match, and he put himself in as Guest Ref.... the whole time, he's giving off this vibe that's just enough off-kilter that he's almost daring us to expect a heel turn.... but then, he plays it entirely straight in those matches, instead of dicking over the babyfaces. And even though it's not an over-the-top thing, you still sort of go "Jericho could've done a dick move there, but he didn't. Whew." All of which leads me to theorize that he's building up our tolerance to his suspicious self-inclusion in matches, so that we don't see it coming when he puts himself in the middle of a Dean Ambrose match, and then screws him over.

Well, it's not 100% for sure gonna be Dean Ambrose, but that's kind of the guy I'd like to see Jericho face at WM32.

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Backstage: Chris Jericho is WALKING~! And Stephanie McMahon is waiting for him, and says Jericho's really a pain in her backside, because he doesn't have the authority to make matches or appoint himself guest referee, much less alter an advertised segment, like he did by adding Roman Reigns to the Highlight Reel.

Somehow, Steph thinks that this change will now require negotiating different terms with Paul Heyman, which is stupid beyond words, but hey, she wants to be pissed at Jericho, so who cares if she's just making up bullshit as she goes. It's not like they had a whole week to figure out some kind of compelling reason for tension, or anything. Ahem.

We close with a vague threat that Jericho's on thin ice, and he'd better mind his Ps and Qs, because if he keeps screwing with Stephanie's business, she'll screw with his, and that won't end well for him.

Kudos for somebody realizing "Hey, Jericho doesn't have the authority to make matches" and writing it into the show. Anti-kudos for trying to pretend like adding Reigns to the Highlight Reel was any kind of inconvenience at all for Steph, when those segment pretty much have an open door policy for anybody to run in whenever they please.

NATALYA (w/ Paige) vs. BRIE BELLA (w/ Alicia Fox)

Yay! Ten out of ten for Nattie being back on TV. Minus several million for them using this as nothing but an excuse to talk about and show clips of That Which OO Does Not Acknowledge As Valid Entertainment, which is starting a new season on the E! "Network."

Your Winner: Natalya, via submission, in 90 seconds. Total Divas is back after its lowest rated season ever, and WWE's once again going to cross the streams on a weekly basis. Crossing the streams is bad. Even if it means Nattie is back on my TV, I wholehearted reject the notion that anything good can come out of using your wrestling show to promote something that has zero appeal outside of a "Real Housewives" demographic.

Backstage: the Royal Rumble Hopper is SPINNING~! And apparently, we're going to draw at least some numbers tonight. So stay tuned.

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THE DUDLEYS & RYBACK vs. BRAY WYATT/LUKE HARPER/ERICK ROWAN (w/ Braun Strowman)

The Dudleys won a tag team tables match over Harper and Rowan back on Thursday's SD, but then Strowman attacked, post-match, and the Dudleys were decimated in the 2-on-3 brawl. So the Duds went and got Ryback to even the odds, but now Bray's out there with his boys, so another numbers game is afoot, anyway.

Aaaaannnnnnnd, we're not actually going to start the match. Ring entrances took about 5 minutes, so before the bell even rings, we break for....

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Back, and we join the match in progress. Christ, what a mind-bending time management choice. One whole segment dedicated to ring entrances, and nothing but. Then, right back to ads, and when we come back, the match is already underway.

We return to an exchange between Harper and Bubba, then a pair of tags, and it's Devon and Rowan, which quickly breaks in Rowan's favor. Devon is our face in peril, as the Wyatts cut the ring in half and start making frequent tags.

Devon finally gets separation when Bray whiffs on a senton. Hot tag to Ryback, and the corresponding move to Harper. The crowd goes mild as Ryback rattles off a flurry of moves, building to a spinebuster on Harper. Then Bray steps in to create a distraction, and it breaks down into a Pier Sixer.

In the chaos Bubba blind tags himself in, and briefly has an opening where he calls for the 3-D.... but Rowan interjects himself, and takes out Devon. We're down to just Bubba and Harper (the legal men) in the ring, and Harper lands the big spinning lariat to finish things off.

Your WInners: the Wyatt Family, via pinfall, in about 6 minutes of televised action. Probably about 8 minutes total, but if it doesn't happen on TV, it doesn't count. Pretty short and sweet. The takeaway here is that, when the Wyatts are all working together as a 4-man unit, they are very tough to beat. And oh by the by, all four are in the Rumble match, so watch out.

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HEATH SLATER (w/ Adam Rose, Curtis Axel, and Bo Dallas) vs. BIG SHOW

The Social Outcasts are unstoppable, babay~! Slater got a singles win over Ziggler two weeks ago, and last week on SmackDown, the foursome won an 8-man tag match. So surely, Big Show is a massive underdog. Right? RIGHT?!?

Okay, probably not. Definitely not. Slater plays chickenshit, and runs away for about 30 seconds. Then Show catches him and hits the WMD.

Your Winner: Big Show, via pinfall, in about 45 seconds. After the match, the Outcasts try to avenge Slater's loss, and that does not go well. KO Punches for Rose and Axel.... then Bo decides that he'll just take the moral victory by running away. But as soon as he realizes he's free and clear, he makes the mistake of celebrating said moral victory by doing a lap around the ring. And he runs right into a KO Punch of his own. D'oh. So much for the Outcasts being protected or on a roll...

Backstage: the League of Nations are bemoaning Chris Jericho's antics from earlier, when Stephanie walks up and stirs the pot by talking about how Jericho just totally punked them. How dare he! And what are they gonna do about it? Afterall, Barrett is King of the Ring, Sheamus just recently held the WWE Title, and ADR won the only 40-man Rumble in history.... they don't have to take a backseat to anyone!

The LoN take the bait, and swear they'll get even. Steph says that's all well and good. But she doesn't want to hear about it. She wants to see it. The LoN have apparently been dared to crash the Highlight Reel later tonight...

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ALMOST AS BAD AS VINCE'S MCMILLIONS SWEEPSTAKES

The Royal Rumble Hopper has made its way out onto the stage, and we're told that right now, we're going to find out who will enter the Rumble at #1. So, ummmm, I guess this is a change in policy.... usually, the numbers are inside the hopper, and the wrestlers draw the number. But for this to work, the hopper must now contain the names of the wrestlers, and whichever one we pick out will be assigned #1.

To handle the draw, here are Vince McMahon and Stephanie, with Steph once again going out of her way to out-prance her dad. The two do a spiel, wondering just who might win the Rumble, with Steph doing the laundry list of names, while Vince chimes in with a "WHO?" between each one. "WHAT?" it is not.

Finally, Vince reaches in, and pulls out a ball. Then, he puts it back in when he can't open it, despite a good 10 seconds of struggling. The hell? So he puts it back in and pulls out the second one, opens it, and hands it to Steph. Who is #1? It's....

ROMAN REIGNS. How shocking~! By which, I mean, not shocking at all. The live crowd shares my lack of shits given.

But Vince wants to prove to us that this isn't some kind of set up. He'll call for a complete do-over... Steph spins the hopper, and Vince reaches in and pulls out a few more balls, which he AGAIN can't open. Yikes. But the fourth one, he finally opens.

And it's Roman Reigns again.

Let's try a third time.

Roman Reigns yet again. Are you catching on? The fix IS in, ahahaaahahahahahaha!

So Reigns is the first guy in the Rumble, which is a pretty big deal, but because of WWE's choice of presentation, it went over like a lead balloon. And not just because of the awkwardness of Vince's fumbling the balls (although that was pretty bad), but mostly because they never really established the premise, they just randomly showed up and said: hey, let's pick #1, and before you blinked, it was Reigns. Whee?

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BECKY LYNCH vs. TAMINA (w/ Naomi)

Charlotte and Ric Flair are seated at ringside to scout Becky, who has issued another challenge for Charlotte's Women's Title. Charlotte is supposedly pondering said challenge (but c'mon, this is wrestling, and the Rumble PPV needs undercard matches, so let's just be adults about this).

Tamina imposes her will out of the gate. She uses the size and power advantage to take us to the Time Compressed "Mid-Match" Heel Beatdown. That means Becky's comeback starts about 2 and a half minutes in. Dropkicks, legdrops, and then up top for a neat Honor Roll into the Disarmer combo. Fin.

Your Winner: Becky Lynch, via submission, in about 3 minutes. Pretty awesome finisher capping off an otherwise bleh match. Becky is clearly worthy of a title shot, and she reissues her challenge after the match.

Charlotte grabs a mic, and declines, saying that Becky already had her shot, and she lost. Becky says, yeah, she lost, but only because of Charlotte's "wheelin' dealin', title match stealin', catchphrase spewin', obnoxiously whoooin', scenery chewin'" dad. DELIGHTFUL~! Back and forth a couple more times, and Becky starts addressing Flair directly.... he's a two time hall of famer, so he knows greatness. She dares Flair to take off his daddy hat, and put on his HoFer hat, then take a good long look at Charlotte: is she acting like a real champion, or is she just a coward, and if Ric is standing behind a coward, what's that say about how far he's fallen?

Getting under Flair's skin proves the right play. As Charlotte looks on, dumbfounded, Ric accepts Becky's challenge for a match at the Rumble. WHOO~!

I gotta say, for as bad as WWE bungled the "Diva Revolution" thing for 5 straight months, since they reshuffled the deck to create actual heels and faces, Becky's the standout star of the division. Absolutely owning Ric Flair with that promo is just the latest of her triumphs.... who'da thunk that the "throw-in" of the NXT call-ups would be the one in position to score the most crowd-pleasing main roster Women's Title win in a long time, come this Sunday?

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Thursday on SmackDown (or, if you're like Me, Tuesday at the Nutter Center!): MizTV will feature IC Champ Dean Ambrose and Kevin Owens, just days before their LMS Match at the Rumble. And Roman Reigns will get a taste of the Rumble Match when he has to face the entire League of Nations in a handicap match. I can only assume that, unlike last week's abomination of a main event, Vince won't show up and randomly declare that this handicap match will be conducted under very special one-on-one rules....

DEAN AMBROSE/KALISTO vs. SHEAMUS/ALBERTO DEL RIO (w/ Wade Barrett)

No Rusev? Huh. There's no storyline reason for him to be missing; he lost a match, but he didn't take anything other than a single Superman Punch in the process. Wonder if he's really hurt?

But it's not like the deck isn't totally stacked against Ambrose and Kalisto. In addition to Barrett, we also have Kevin Owens sitting in on guest commentary, and I can't imagine he'll keep his nose clean.

Fast flashy start for the good guys leads up to Kalisto hitting a big ol' 7-10 Split Plancha onto both Sheamus and ADR. Heels are regrouping on the floor, Ambrose and Kalisto are standing tall, so we break for....

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Back, and ADR is having his way with Kalisto. Good teamwork keeps the LoN firmly in control for a good while. Pretty standard stuff, but Owens is killing it on commentary, telling his side of the story about how he's going to walk out of the Rumble with the IC Title.

But per the standard format, Kalisto gets some separation on ADR, and gets a tag to Ambrose. No corresponding move, so Ambrose goes to town on del Rio for a minute or two, until Sheamus gets in the ring for a brief cameo.... it's only a mild distraction, but with Kalisto down and out, it's more than enough of an opening for ADR to strike from behind and regain control.

Here, during our secondary heel beatdown on Ambrose, Owens also switches gear and delivers some yuks, mostly at the expense of Byron Saxton. Heh. After a backstabber, ADR gets a convincing near fall, and Ambrose seems in genuine jeopardy. ADR ties him to the Tree of Woe, looking for his double stomp finisher...

But Ambrose reaches up and grabs his wrist, and yanks him off. Missile dropkick hits, and Ambrose has separation. Hot tag to Kalisto. Corresponding move to Sheamus. Kalisto is en feugo. Kicks, flips, and pinning combos all over the place. Then, Salido del Sol hits!

Alberto del Rio in to break it up. Ambrose in to counter ADR. ADR and Ambrose spill outside the ring, where Ambrose gets distracted by Owens. As Ambrose stalks Owens, ADR hits him with a run-up enzuigiri (using the announce table for his run-up). That leaves Sheamus and Kalisto alone in the ring, where Sheamus lands a Brogue Kick.

Your Winners: Sheamus and Alberto del Rio, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Always a good thing when they layer the face in peril act, so it's not just the one big impenetrable and predictable narrative crutch. That keeps it a bit fresher and dynamic, and obviously, all four are more than capable ringsmiths, so everything was well executed, too. The fact that the win could have gone either way didn't hurt, either... but with Owens distracting Ambrose, that put Kalisto at a disadvantage, and so that doesn't at all hurt his US Title prospects on Sunday. If anything, I wonder if jobbing him out here doesn't increase his "underdog cache" ahead of regaining the title with a crowd pleasing win?

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Earlier Today: the New Day held an open casket wake for Francesca The Trombone, senselessly slain by Chris Jericho last week on RAW. Big E plays the role of the exuberant pastor, but even with his inspiring words, Javier Woods has a complete emotional breakdown, because he never got a chance to say goodbye to Francesca.

But Big E assures him that Francesca is not gone, as long as we remember her. It's very "Wrath of Khan," and it works. Francesca's spirit is alive in Woods' heart, and if he searches his soul, he'll realize that, and the New Day can still do Francesca proud.

Woods perks up, and says YAY AND VERILY IT SHALL BE SO. Tonight, Francesca Vengeance begins, as Big E takes on Jey Uso.... the wake ends with the New Day Clap, but the chant is "FRAN. CESCA." Good times.

Royal Rumble By the Numbers: The annual Rumble stat package is here, for the first of at least a half dozen times WWE will force us to watch it. Suspiciously, the package already has Reigns' #1 slot baked into the numbers, despite that revelation happening about 45 minutes ago. Could it be that pro wrestling is scripted in advance?!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

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JEY USO (w/ Jimmy) vs. BIG E (w/ Kofi and Woods)

Kofi and Woods are still in their formalwear from earlier today. And as the New Day hit the ring, they do so somberly, with even their clapping muted and respectful. The New Day rule.

But then the bell rings, and E starts clapping it up and gyrating like his usual animated self. He wastes little time using his power to dominate Jey. When Jey is able to use his speed to evade Big E's offense, he fritters the advantage away by showing off his own dance moves.

Big E quickly regains the advantage, and after dumping Jey out onto the floor for a hard landing, we take a break for...

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Back, and Big E has Jey trapped in the Abdominal Clap.... but not for long. Jey fights out, and enjoys a fleeting moment of freedom before he eats a serving of Triceps Meat. Another little sequence for E, but then he whiffs on a big splash.

Jey is able to begin a comeback, in earnest. Steamboat-style crossbody. Superkick. Samoan Drop. Rikishi Buttsplash misses, but on the rebound, a second superkick hits. Jey finally goes for a cover and gets his first near fall.

Big E gets dumped outside, and Jey hits him with a suicide dive... with the ref counting, Kofi and Woods help E back into the ring. In response, Jimmy gets a running start, springboards off the steel steps and hits a crossbody on Kofi to take him out.

But the ref is distracted by that, trying to sort things out, and as a result, Woods is able to avenge Francesca by getting up on the apron and shoving Jey off the top rope, as he perched for the Superfly Splash. Jey lands hard, Big E hoists him up and hits the Big Ending, which lives up to its name.

Your Winner: Big E, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. I'm reasonably certain these five guys would have to try incredibly hard to ever not be entertaining. Although this was little more than a tide-us-over match, with a full-on tag title match coming at the Rumble on Sunday, it was still a perfectly enjoyable little contest.

Backstage: Titus O'Neil, R-Truth, and Mark Henry are hanging out, and Titus is giving a pep talk.... he says that while they are all in the Rumble match, and it'll be every man for himself on Sunday, tonight, they have a tag match, so he wants them all on the same page to do MLK proud. He calls for hands-in and "Keep the Dream Alive" on 3.... and suddenly Neville pops in from out of nowhere and puts his hand in, too. Titus figures "what the hell?" and lets Neville join in on the moment, despite his overpowering caucasianness.

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TITUS O'NEIL/NEVILLE/R-TRUTH/MARK HENRY vs. STARDUST/ASCENSION/TYLER BREEZE

Well, Neville's random pop-in is apparently because the writers decided to get Breeze on TV, and in equally random fashion.... so what would have been a semi-logical six-man is now a head-scratching 8-man.

As slapdash as the teams are, the match is just as disjointed, as all 8 guys get a little something to justify their participation in the Rumble match (the Ascension are in the Rumble? Really? That kind of devalues it for everybody), but there's no flow or throughline. Not even a time compression formula layout. Just set piece to set piece, until it breaks down into a big ass brawl.

The babyfaces win it, and after a botched tandem move between Titus and Henry, Neville finishes off Breeze with a Red Arrow.

Your Winners: Neville, Titus, Henry, and Truth, via pinfall, in about 5 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened.

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THE HIGHLIGHT REEL

We come back from the break, with Jericho already in the ring. And he's already shirtless again (with a vest), because he doesn't want us to forget that his new gimmick is ridiculous wardrobe choices.

Jericho runs down the bona fides of what he considers to be the three odds-on favorites for the Royal Rumble.... first, WWE Champion Roman Reigns. Then, 6-time champ and 3-time Savior of WWE, Chris Jericho. And finally....

"Ladies and Gentlemen...." his name is Paul Heyman, and he'll handle the introductions for his client. Specifically, Heyman informs the audience that he is issuing an F-5 Warning, effective for the entire metro Columbus area.

Then a bit of sparring between Heyman and Jericho, as Heyman reminds us that the last time Jericho and Lesnar were in the same ring, it wasn't exactly --- tee hee -- a "highlight reel moment" for Jericho (about a year ago, Jericho was Guest GM, and Lesnar kicked his ass when Jericho was threatening to attack Heyman). Jericho grants that, but counters by pointing out that last week, Heyman may have failed his client, because last week, it was clear that Brock Lesnar was looking for a free pass to WrestleMania, but now, Lesnar is in the Royal Rumble Match, anyway. A failure of Heyman's negotiating skills? A hint that Heyman does not think Brock can beat 29 other men?

Heyman sputters, but then figures out how to spin it..... no, it's none of that, it was a conscious decision made by Brock and Heyman, and they couldn't be happier to be in the Rumble. For Heyman, it's all about the box office.... because it's one thing for Heyman to sell Brock vs. Sheamus, or Brock vs. Alberto del Rio, or Brock vs. Big Show, Brock vs. Dean Ambrose, even Brock vs. Jericho.... and they'd all sell like hotcakes. But on Sunday, Heyman is selling ALL THOSE MATCHES AT THE SAME TIME, and that makes him the promotional genius behind what could end up being the single biggest drawing Royal Rumble of all time. And for Brock, it's a chance to show his dominance of all those men, which is something that sets Brock to salivating. He's gonna get to take 29 other men to SOO PLEX SIT TEE.

Very nice rant that retcons the major plothole from last week (in which Brock showed up and willingly did the McMahons' bidding, after spending the night not wanting to be in the Rumble). Of note, Heyman namechecked ADR and Ambrose, both of whom are in singles matches on the undercard.... I can see ADR and Kalisto pulling double duty, but doesn't it kind of undermine the whole concept of "Last Man Standing" if you're already saying that Ambrose and Owens will just go out there after a brutal match to wrestle a second time? Oh well, we'll see.... Ambrose and Owens are such compelling contenders that I can probably bring myself to just look the other way.

Anyway, picking up where Paul left off, Jericho can't help but fixate on the fact that Paul mentioned the prospects of Brock vs. Jericho.... Jericho spitballs the scenario, and says the way he sees it, if it comes down to himself and Lesnar, he (Jericho) will toss Brock over the top rope to become a SEVEN TIME champion. What's Paul got to say about that?

Paul has nothing to say, he just facepalms. The crowd just sort of half-chuckles at the notion, too.

Then, apparently somebody else DOES want to say something about Jericho's boasting. At the top of the hour, Brock Lesnar's music hits, and he does the Lesnar Shuffle on down to the ring. He circles outside the ring, sizing up Jericho, when Reigns' music interrupts his stalking.

Jericho (and Heyman) take this as a chance to powder out.

Reigns gets to the ring, and then into the ring. Lesnar is still loitering around the ring. Reigns lays the strap down on the mat, and makes the International Sign of Bring It. Lesnar does his broadjump onto the apron, and is contemplating it. The crowd should be going ape-poopy for this, but they aren't really. Huh.

Lesnar does step into the ring, but almost as soon as his second foot hits the mat, Reigns charges him and cuts him in half with a spear. Reigns drops down for a bit of mount-and-punch, but barely gets 4-5 shots in before the League of Nations runs out.

Sheamus, ADR, and Rusev (no Barrett) jump Reigns, and get the better of him for a bit. But then Lesnar gets back to his feet, and decimates the entire faction. Germans for both Rusev and del Rio. An F-5 for Sheamus.

But as Lesnar was taking care of business, Reigns was regrouping. Just as Lesnar thinks everything is under control, Reigns takes him out with a Superman Punch. Now, it's Reigns who seems to have the ring to himself.

That is, until a Lights Out Freeze Frame.

When the lights come back up, there's a Wyatt on each side of the ring. They are quadrangulated on Reigns, and when Bray gives the high sign, the Wyatts attack. They have their way with Reigns, and then turn their attention to Brock.

Already rocked by a spear and a Superman Punch, Lesnar doesn't put up much of a fight as the Wyatts take turns kicking his ass; big boots and lariats all around. Then, Bray says it's time for him to finish things. Lesnar takes the Sister Abigail, and Bray Wyatt says this is just a preview of how his family will dominate the Rumble, and invites us all to Follow the Buzzards as we fade to black.

And so ends the show... inexplicably dead crowd aside, that was a pretty decent final sell on the Rumble. Given the announced participants, we got all the credible winners into the mix, and then WWE served up an unusual twist, with the Wyatts the ones who got the last laugh.

Combined with the dominant win in the 6-man, you gotta figure this is a moderate boost to Bray's chances... if not his chances to win the Rumble, then at least his post-Rumble prospects for a program against Lesnar, where his three "brothers" could help make it a less lop-sided affair. Who knows?

But mostly, it was a nice little mash-up where Reigns > Lesnar. But League of Nations > Reigns. But Wyatts > Lesnar... that's some decent ambiguity among the top challengers, and there are still a couple of credible potential winners who are likely to pop in as surprise entrants (at the very least, if HHH isn't in there, it's a mindnumbing misstep by WWE). Should be a fun hour on Sunday.

It was far from a wall-to-wall effective show... the Vince-picks-#1 segment was just a giant flop in every way, and the Total Divas Match and the Ritual Humilation of the Social Outcasts were of zero value, each, too. But the two bookends featuring the main players were solid, and we got a handful of decent little matches (Uso/Big E, and Ambrose/Kalisto/LoN, especially), along with a excellent exchange with Becky/Charlotte (OK, mostly Becky) that sets up their match on Sunday.

I won't let that shitty crowd spoil my general amusement. In a lot of ways, the Rumble is a show that just sells itself, so the heavy lifting was already done. But RAW still managed to squeeze out a few extra tiny bits of sizzle on the margins, so I think I can reasonably hand out a final grade of B-minus.

Hopefully, WWE keeps the streak alive with another strong SD on Thursday (live, on tape, from RIGHT HERE, in Dayton, OH!), and then serves up a Royal Rumble for the ages on Sunday.

Remember, Pyro is back with the Rumble Recap, which we'll have posted shortly after the show ends. You don't want to miss it!

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RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

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SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

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PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

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SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.