OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Least Mode (or, "The RAW in Which Brock Lesnar Returns, but Kalisto Winning the US Title is the Best Part")
January 11, 2016

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

I'm sure you've noticed, but we're enjoying something of a Renaissance of TV shows being revived after they are cancelled. The movement started slowly 10 years ago, when we got "Family Guy" back from the dead, but now, it's like there are perpetually a half-dozen revivals going on at any given time.

And most of them are pretty freaking awesome. [No, I am not including the "Full House" revival under that banner.]

We've had a nice little stretch where I've been treated to revivals of my personal favorites. A whole season of "Arrested Development" came and went, and now, they're getting ready to do yet ANOTHER NetFlix season.... Yahoo brought back "Community" just long enough to give us a proper finale.... "Mr. Show" returned under the guise of "W/ Bob and David".... but even with all that, I never, in my wildest dreams, would have held out hope for what HBO just announced last week.

"Deadwood" is coming back, baby! Sure, it's just a movie or mini-series to provide closure (I guess Milch always had his idea for how the show was gonna end, and has finally forgiven HBO for the screwed up circumsances of the show's early demise), and not a full season, but c'mon: I was POSITIVE that ship had sailed, and I'm ecstatic to know there's even one tiny little morsel of "Deadwood" to be had.

I look forward to the closure, but I think I look just as forward to the excuse to go back and rewatch all of the first three seasons for the first time in 6 years or so.... I've really let my fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck cocksucking motherfucker swearing slip in that time. I suspect it'll come right back to me once I immerse myself in that universe again. Ahem.

Now that I've accidentally caused you great workplace drama, after 6 years of lulling you into a false sense that OO was safe-for-work, let's get down to business. Here's what happened on tonight's just-completed RAW:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

REIGNS VS. THE WORLD

And we're live in New Orleans, LA, at the Worst, Most Embarassing Example of Corporate Naming Rights Arena. A large portion of the roster is standing out on the stage, as Vince McMahon and Stephanie power-prance down to the ring. Oy. It's only been a month, and I've already had my fill of Vince being a dated excuse of a buffoonish villain. Triple H can't get back soon enough to replace him as Reigns' less-silly authority figure foil....

Vince opens by gesturing (Broadly) towards the stage and saying, "Ladies and Gentleman, your NEXT WWE Champion!" Steph wants to know which one. So Vince just randomly starts going into "What if?" scenarios for a few guys... maybe the New Day, maybe Ziggler, maybe...

And he's interrupted by Bray Wyatt, who is not on the stage, but on the Tron, and wants to remind him that not all the possible winners are out there. There are other men that Vince is forgetting about.

Vince agrees, and apologizes, and says it's true that we don't know the full line-up for the Rumble match. And of the participants we DO know of, they're not all out there on the stage. For instance, we should all keep BRRRRRRRRROOOOCKKKK LESNAR in mind. The crowd pops for that. But Vince's point is that the one man who WON'T walk out as WWE Champion is Roman Reigns....

As if on cue, Reigns' music fires up, and he enters through the crowd to a tepid response. In fact, it's such a tepid response that Steph makes fun of it, and says, "You know, if you want to chant for him, you should get your act together. Why don't you try one more time? You know, in unison?" It was meant to goose the audience into a louder response, but instead, the audience just grumbled and gave Reigns no love. Whoopsie.

They go back and forth, and basically, Reigns thinks the McMahons are getting ahead of themselves. Because what are they gonna do when Reigns wins?

Vince just laughs him off, and says there's no chance in hell of that. And if Reigns needs proof, well, he'll get it tonight, because Reigns is going to take part in a first-ever "One Versus All" Match.... on one side of the ring, it'll be Reigns. On the other side: it'll be 10, or 15, or 20 of the guys up on the stage.... frankly, Vince hasn't decided for sure just yet.

But one thing Vince has decided upon: Roman doesn't have to worry about facing off against his brother, Dean Ambrose. Because Dean Ambrose is in our very first match tonight....

Camera cuts to Ambrose, who looks up to the challenge..... but then he's blindsided by Sheamus. Vince continues that Ambrose is facing Sheamus, and that match is happening RIGHT NOW. By which he means, it'll happen after these....

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. SHEAMUS (Non-Title Match)

We join the match in progress, with Sheamus dominating the IC Champ. It's pretty barroom brawly for several minutes, but then Sheamus decides we've had enough hard-hitting action, and settles in for a chinlock.

The chinlock, as always, proves to be the break both guys need to catch their breath before the babyface fires up.... Ambrose does just that, and even gets Sheamus tied up in the ropes for the Ten of Clubs! But Sheamus blocks him after 4, and the fight spills outside.

Sheamus introduces Ambrose to the announce table, and then takes it back in the ring for another chinlock. That leads to another fire-up, and this time, it sticks. Ambrose with a wild flurry, and this time, he sends Sheamus out over the top rope, and hits him with a Suicide Dive. Sheamus in a heap, Ambrose a bit worse for wear, too, so we break for....

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Back, and it seems we are mid-end-game, with Sheamus hitting the Irish Curse and then cinchin in the Cloverleaf.... Ambrose fights it, and gets a rope break. Sheamus sells the frustration, and when he tries to follow up, Ambrose greets him with a swinging neckbreaker for his first near fall of the match.

Ambrose follows up with a Tornado DDT for another, and more convincing, near fall. Ambrose with the standing elbow from the top rope, but Sheamus just barely kicks out again. Ambrose calls for the Dirty Deeds, and hooks it.... but Sheamus powers out and sets up for the White Noise.... but Ambrose fights out, and falls back into the ropes, and comes off with a rebound clothesline.... Sheamus tumbles out of the ring, so Ambrose sets up for another Suicide Dive.

But at the last second, Sheamus meets him with a forearm before he can dive between the ropes. Sheamus pulls Ambrose out to the floor, and the two start brawling. Sheamus dominates as the ref counts up to 7, then Ambrose turns the tide, and decides to keep the pedal down even as the ref gets to 10.

Your Winner: None, via double count-out, in about 12 minutes. First half was really bland and flat. Second half was pretty good, as it was pretty much solid back-and-forthy as soon as we got back from the break. Still, it was back-and-forthy to a non-finish, so there was nothing to sink your teeth into and nothing you'll remember tomorrow morning. Then again, there's no issue between Ambrose and Sheamus, so why sacrifice one to the other if you don't have to? The stories are Sheamus/Reigns, and Ambrose/Owens....

After the Match: Holy Crap! Sheamus is busted WIDE OPEN. It happened when Ambrose sent him into the ring post, and at first, it seemed like your usual trickle of hardway blood, but on second and third glance, he's wearing a Crimson Mask and splattering blood all over the place.

Then, the other shoe drops, and despite the non-finish, we get something to sink our teeth into, as Kevin Owens runs out and puts an end to Ambrose's beatdown on Sheamus. Ambrose had mostly cleared the announce desk, with designs on putting Sheamus through it.... so after Owens attacks and wins the brawl, he finishes clearing it, and slams Ambrose through it. Ambrose is destroyed, and Owens finally opts to retreat -- with a shit-eating grin on his face -- when officials encircle Ambrose and break it up. So the match is a no-decision, but the winner is still Kevin Owens!

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Backstage: Renee Young is standing by outside the Trainers' Room, and is awaiting word on Dean Ambrose... conveniently enough, Ambose bursts out the door (with two trainers following, and demanding that Dean come back and get more treatment). Renee asks how he's doing. Dean invites her to feel his pulse. Renee confirms that she can feel it, and Ambrose says that means he's still alive, and that's bad news for Kevin Owens. Ambrose storms off, and the two trainers call after him, saying he's not a well man.

Elsewhere Backstage: Vince and Steph are WALKING~! More accurately, Vince is walking, and Steph is testing out some new prance moves for future ring entrances, which despite my best attempts to get annoyed, are actually not without their charms.... and all of a sudden, they run into Paul Heyman.

Heyman says it's great to see Vince, it's been a while.... but also, Heyman heard Vince out there earlier, and it sounded like he just assumes that Brock Lesnar wants to be in the Royal Rumble. Vince and Steph are all "Uhhhh, yeah, why wouldn't he?" And it turns out, Heyman has a very good reason why not.... you see, Brock Lesnar is a prize fighter, and Vince's biggest box office draw. Why would Brock waste his time in a 30-man scratch-off lottery match where luck is such a big part of it, and why would Vince waste his biggest box office draw by hiding him in a match with 29 other men?

Vince is getting annoyed, but Heyman reveals his master plan: do the Royal Rumble, and crown a new WWE Champion.... but then, at WrestleMania, that new Champion will have to face the Beast Incarnate, the biggest draw in WWE history, Brock Lesnar, in the main event. Essentially, Heyman wants Brock in the WM Main Event without having to muck about in the Rumble match.

Vince sees through it, and says he's had enough of his plans messed up lately (OMG, SHOOT~!), and he doesn't need Heyman being a pain in the ass and so unless Paul...... and before Vince can finish the threat, Steph steps in and says they should cool down and take this behind closed doors, because this is a sensitive issue.

So this week, Steph realizes there ARE cameras there, and it's dumb when wrestling tries to have a fourth wall. Which is great. Until next week, when they forget again. Regardless, an interesting wrinkle, as they work Lesnar back into storylines.

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TITUS O'NEIL vs. STARDUST

Stardust is rocking some modified face paint, in honor of David Bowie. Very cool. And either JBL has better taste in music than I ever would have given him credit for, or somebody was feeding him Bowie references. I mean, some pretty deep cuts, too, not just Space Oddity references. Also cool.

But ultimately, this isn't much different from last week. Very basic, time compressed formulaic affair, with Titus firing up after about 4 minutes to get the decisive win.

Your Winner: Titus, via pinfall, in 5 minutes. After the match, they did change it up from last week, as Titus tried to celebrate with ringside fans, only to have Stardust chopblock him from behind, and then kick the crap out of Titus' knee. So Titus won the battle for the second week in a row, but all of a sudden, the war is still ongoing, and Stardust is winning it. Huh.

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THE HIGHLIGHT REEL

Chris Jericho gets a full ring entrance, and I suggested last week he's trying to work in a subtle heelishness.... just based on his wardrobe choice, he's still going for vague heelishness this week. He's wearing one of Miz's Infinity Scarves, with a leather jacket, without a shirt. Ewwwww.

And before he brings out his guests (the New Day), he also does a very egomaniacal prefatory speech about how he set the world on fire last week, so he's already making headway in his attempt to save WWE. But his mission won't be complete until he wins the Royal Rumble and goes on to once agayn headline WrestleMania.

With that, Jericho's guests have heard enough of this happy crappy, and they decide to interrupt. On their way to the ring, the New Day say if Jericho's not a skilled enough talk show host to properly introduce his guests, then they'll just introduce themselves.... so they get on a typically-awesome New Day roll as they get into the ring.

But then, Jericho shows off that he's an EXPERT talk show host, as he has changed his leather jacket out for a suit coat (but still no shirt, and still that silly looking scarf). He also gets the crowd to chant "Rooty Tooty Booty" once again.

Predictably, this sends the New Day into a rage, as they say that's not even a thing, and they are the best tag team of the year and Jericho should be ashamed. Shame! SHAME!

The New Day's rant is cut short by the Usos' music, who proudly show off their Slammy trophies, and wonder how the New Day can claim to be the best tag team, when the Usos have the awards that say otherwise. Woods retorts by saying that those trophies don't prove anything, and in fact, he thinks the Usos should get the award for the WORST tag team, even worse than Ricky Gervais and Mel Gibson. TIMELY~!

The Usos laugh it off, and basically say, hey, let's have a match. The New Day accuse the Usos of being bad at math, because there are only 2 of them, but 3 New Days. Then Jericho chimes in that the New Day should do a recount, because there are 6 men in the ring.... so Jericho proposes that we have a match with "Javier" Woods in the corner of Big E and Kofi, and Jericho will be in the corner of the Usos.

Sounds like a plan, and it's come up next. Fun promo, and unlike most WWE promos these days, it felt like the guys all had some material in their back pockets, but they weren't sticking to a word-for-word script.... instead, there was genuine interplay and guys playing off each other. I mean, you can't tell me that Woods told Jericho he was going to do a fancified pronounciation of "Geeeebson" ahead of time, and suggested Jericho use the exact same accent to call him "Javier." Can you? That had to be random, spontaneous silliness.

Also, by "next," we once again mean: after these....

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THE USOS (w/ Chris Jericho) vs. THE NEW DAY (w/ Javier Woods)

They waited for us to return before ringing the bell. How sweet of them.

Opening moments see the Usos get off to a hot start against Kofi. Then Big E comes in and snuffs that out with his size and power. And his gyrations. So much gyrating. That gives Jey time to recover, and catch Big E off guard, before turning things into a bit of a Dance-Off...

Watching somebody else gyrate just pisses the hell out of the New Day. Big E drops Jey with some tricep meat, then Kofi comes into continue the onslaught. Jey becomes a Level One Decoy Face in Peril for about 2 minutes, getting his ass handed to him.

But soon enough, he manages to get to his corner to tag his brother. Jimmy gets in a nice flurry of moves, but then he gets greedy. He goes up top, and tries to hit a crazy crossbody to the floor... but Kofi moves out of the way, and Jimmy lands hard. Woods celebrates with a Trombone March, until Jericho steps in front of him. Woods backs off after a staredown, but with Jimmy down and out, and Kofi recovering from a mini-beatdown, it's time for...

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Back, and Jimmy is clearly now our full-on Face in Peril. New Day have the ring cut in half, and play all their greatest hits. Unicorn Stampede, Abdominal Clap, and so forth. And when Jimmy finally does get separation, and dives for a tag, Big E yanks Jey off the apron to prevent the tag, and it's a few more minutes of Ricky Morton duty for Jimmy.

But only a few. Maybe another 2 minutes. Then, Jimmy hit a enzuigiri and was able to make it to his corner. Hot tag to Jey, and Big E in on the corresponding move. It's a one-sided rally for a minute or two, until Jey sets up a corner charge, only to have Big E get up and snap off a belly-to-belly.

Kofi tags in, and tries to follow up as a fresher man, but he walks right into a superkick. Jimmy heads up top, but Big E distracts the ref, and Kofi crotches Jimmy on the top rope. Woods breaks into a celebration.... but it's short lived, as Jey attacks E, and those two powder out, and then Jericho steals Woods' trombone.

Jericho and Woods do a big over-done exchange in which Jericho threatens violence against the trombone, and Woods pleads for mercy. It's so riveting that Kofi has turned his attention to watch it play out. Finally, Jericho breaks the trombone in half, and Woods breaks into tears.

Oh, and Jimmy hits a quick roll up on Kofi, too, because there's still -- you know? -- a match happening.

Your Winners: the Usos, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Nothing fancy, just easy, crowd-pleasing fun that shifts the pendulum back towards the Usos as #1 Contenders. And despite the lingering cloud of douchiness, Jericho's still riding that wave of feelgood welcomebackery. I suspect he keeps it like this, and it's only when it's time to reveal his opponent/plans for WM32 that he'll turn to the dark side (and if you recall, when Jericho was last on TV, he had some prickly heat with Dean Ambrose; Ambrose/Jericho IC Title Fight, anyone?).

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Backstage: it's down to just Steph and Paul E., because Steph wants to spell this out for Paul, without her hothead dad stirring the pot. Paul's a businessman, so Steph says this is a done deal, the biggest Royal Rumble in history, and his client is expected to participate. Paul replies that his client says "No." Steph is starting to get annoyed, and repressing a decade of onscreen Seinfeld/Newman heat between the two, she grits her teeth and reminds Paul that his client's contract is actually owned by her dad, and if he wants to bring Vince back into this, well, so be it. But she thinks Paul would rather deal with her.

Paul swallows his pride, and says, OK, Steph, I'll talk to Brock, and I'll take care of this for you.

Hall of Fame: the first member of the Class of 2016 is Sting. A deserving headliner for the HoF, even if 99.8% of his major career moments happened in WCW, and only 0.2% in WWE. [YOU: "But Rick, you're forgetting about the 8 years Sting spent in TNA!" ME: "No, I didn't. I said 'major.'" KAPOWZA~!]

It's expected that Sting's second-greatest nemesis, Vader, will also be inducted this year, with other inductees surely featuring a Dallas/Texas theme (the Freebirds MUST go in, and JBL is a fairly reasonable choice, too). To say nothing of Lemmy for the Celebrity Wing, dammit!

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Thursday on SmackDown: the Dudleys vs. the Wyatt Family, in a Tables Match. I'm there.

SLATER AND CREW BITE OFF MORE THAN THEY CAN CHEW... SO RYBACK SHOWS UP TO HELP THEM EAT THEIR WAY OUT OF IT

They Wyatt Family hit the ring, allegedly for a match. Bray grabs a mic, intending to say a few words.... but before he can say Word One, he is cut off by some unfamiliar music.

But the graphics on the Tron reveal that the "Social Outcasts" are about to hit the ring. And sure enough, Heath Slater leads Adam Rose/Bo Dallas/Curtis Axel to the ring, and each guy says a few words on the way. They claim they are a TRUE family, and they'll prove it if the Wyatts accept their challenge for a match.

Bray just laughs and says, Fine, get in here and take your medicine. The Wyatts dominate for about 45 seconds, and then Ryback's music hits, and he storms the ring to make the "save."

In the Pier 9 Brawl, Ryback and the Outcasts get the upperhand, and the Wyatts opt to retreat from the 4-on-5 fight.

Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Kalisto. Tonight, Kalisto gets a US Title Match against Alberto del Rio.... what are his thoughts as that match approaches? Kalisto says that the US Title means the world to him.... from his hero Eddie Guerrero, to the present day when John Cena reinvented the title to represent opportunity, it would be an honor to hold that same title. So Kalisto doesn't get cocky, he merely says he relishes this chance and promises to give it his best.

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ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. KALISTO (US Title Match)

Before the match, Alberto does some mic work, taking credit for John Cena's injury, and taking joy in the fact that he didn't just break John Cena, he singlehandedly took John Cena out of WrestleMania. And if ADR can do that to the mighty John Cena, just imagine what he's about to do to that worthless little mosquito, Kalisto.

So just like that, the story is set: ADR's mind is stuck on his "victory" over Cena, and he's not taking this mosquito seriously. Uh oh.

Then Kalisto makes his entrance, and we get full Boxing Style Ring Introductions from Lilian. As if Lilian isn't already delightful enough, with two Mexicans, she gets to go full speed ahead with rolling her R's and everything, which is somehow even more delightful.

Bell rings, and to start, it seems like maybe Alberto IS focused, afterall, as he starts squashing the hell out of Kalisto. That's a change of pace from the standard "high flying babyface gets a flashy hot start" formula, and oddly enough, I think that bodes ill for ADR.

Inside the ring, outside the ring, vicious strikes, and even some high flying by ADR.... he's controlling every facet of the match. In the first 6 minutes, Kalisto gets 3 hope spots, totally about 45 seconds. But that doesn't stop the crowd from rallying behind him.

That third hope spot ends when ADR rolls out of the ring to slow things down, and Kalisto tries to catch him with a suicide dive.... so ADR sidesteps and Kalisto crashes into the barricade. With ADR resuming control, we break for....

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Back, and surprisingly, Kalisto is poised on the top rope, and ready to strike.... but when he leaps, del Rio sidesteps AGAIN, and Kalisto crashes hard. So we right back to where we were before the commercial break, and Kalisto's cumulative offense is still at about 50 seconds. D'oh.

Another minute or two of control for Alberto, but he leaves his comfort zone and heads to the top rope.... Kalisto manages to knock his leg out, crotching ADR, and then leaping up to his a top rope rana. Looks like this is Kalisto's for real comeback, as he rattles off a couple flashy moves, leading to a leaping DDT, which nets him his first near fall of the match.

But just like that, del Rio snatches him out of mid-air and hits a tilt-a whirl backbreaker. It seems Alberto has had enough, as he steps back and lines up the Low Concussor Kick. Kalisto rolls out of the way, and catches ADR with a front kick of his own. Kalisto up top. ADR knocks a leg out, and Kalisto is crotched, but in a sitting position facing AWAY from the center of the ring.

Alberto gets up on the second rope and hits a wicked inverted superplex. Kalisto bumps all the way across the ring, so when Alberto goes for the pin, Kalisto gets a foot on the ropes. ADR sells the frustration, and when he approaches Kalisto again, Kalisto catches him, and goes for a run-up-the-ropes bulldog type move (Spike Dudley's move).... only to have ADR shove him off at the last minute so that Kalisto is hung over the top rope.

From there, it's an easy bit of repositioning to tie Kalisto to the Tree of Woe, and ADR goes for his Double Stomp of Woe..... but Kalisto disengages at the last second, and Alberto whiffs. Kalisto immediatley follows up with a Snap Low Rana for a very convincing near fall.

Kalisto sets up Salida Del Sol. Del Rio powers out, and lands a kick to the midsection. With Kalisto doubled over, del Rio grabs the wrist and tries to twist into the Cross Armbreaker.... but Kalisto flips through, gets behind, ADR, leaps up onto his shoulders, and turns it into an honor roll pinning combo. One.... two.... THREE~!

Your Winner, and NEW US Champion: Kalisto, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Good stuff, from the prematch "mosquito" foreshadowing, to the purposely one-sided lay-out, all setting up the hot end game and cathartic victory for Kalisto.... so much of what's wrong with WWE is that it's so clearly mapped out and shoved down our throats.... but this was totally the opposite. Without a freak injury to Sin Cara, Kalisto wouldn't have been in position to break out as s singles, and without a freak injury to John Cena, he wouldn't have been in position to face del Rio (the plan was for Cena to regain the US Title last week)... but those things happened, and for once, WWE rolled with it, and just let the fans dictate their contingency plan. A good match, with a surprising-yet-satisfying finish that almost makes it seem like Anything Can Happen in WWE (tm, mid-90s WWF).

Backstage: Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo Jr. is standing by with Charlotte and Ric Flair... Charlotte retained her title in a match against Becky Lynch last Thursday, but once again did it via underhanded means. What's Charlotte got to say for herself? Charlotte immediately paints herself as the victim in all this, saying that she won "Flair and Square" and Becky brought this all on herself by asking for a match against Charlotte when Charlotte thought they were friends. Friends don't fight, so as soon as Becky asked for that match, she made this all about business, and all's fair yadda yadda yadda....

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BRIE BELLA (w/ Alicia Fox) vs. CHARLOTTE (w/ Ric Flair) (Very Special Not a Match Match)

Before the bell rings, Becky Lynch charges the ring and proves her t-shirt accurate by beating the ever-loving crap out of Charlotte. WIth Charlotte reduced to cowering in a corner, Becky decides her work here is done, so she shouts that she's gonna be taking Charlotte's title sooner than later, and leaves the ring....

Brie starts circling, and ref Charles Robinson is imploring Charlotte to get back on her feet to start the match.... but Ric grabs a mic, and says NUH UH, NO WAY, The Champ is NOT having a match tonight, and it's all Becky Lynch's fault. The crowd boos, and Ric tries to convince them that they're really mad at Becky, not Charlotte, but nobody's buying it.

Charlotte starts limping up the ramp, as Flair lingers long enough to call some ringside fan "Fat Boy" and then forces Robinson to go fetch his sportscoat for him. Heh.

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Backstage: Paul Heyman is trying to explain the situation to Brock Lesnar. We don't have a live mic (just the camera, so just like that, back to the inexplicable Fourth Wall), but the vibe is that Heyman is putting his best spin on it, and Lesnar isn't quite sold, yet. Whatever will Brock do? My money's on F-5'ing the hell out of 20 or so men in the main event One vs. All Match. Ahem.

Backstage: Jo Jo catches up to Becky Lynch, and wants a few words about what just happened. Becky recaps a few notes about how she and Charlotte used to be friends, and back then, Charlotte swore up and down that she wanted to make it on her own, and not trade on her family name, and now, she's doing just that. And she's not just using Ric's name, she's using his tactics, too, and that's just sickening.... it's always a one-on-two fight, but Becky says even if she's alone in this fight, she's made Charlotte tap out once, and she'll do it again, and take the Women's Title in the process.

So, ummmm, did anyone else see where Mick Foley volunteered to be in Becky's corner against Charlotte so that maybe, just maybe, she won't be so alone in the fight? I'm The Rick, and I endorse that idea.

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Thursday on SmackDown: in addition to the aforementioned Tables Match, we're also going to get Kalisto vs. Alberto del Rio in a US Title Match. Well, that escalated quickly.

ROMAN REIGNS vs. "ALL" (First Ever 1-on-1 "Handicap" Match)

Reigns makes his standard entrance, but then Vince's music hits, and he makes the Universal Sign for "And I Give To You....." and the majority of the heel roster start filtering out. It's the Wyatt Family, the League of Nations, the New Day, Stardust/the Ascension, and then the lone solo guy, Kevin Owens. So I think that makes it 15-on-1.

Nope, wait, I missed Tyler Breeze. So 16-on-1. But then Vince grabs a mic, and declares that it's not really a handicap match.... Reigns will face all these men, in sequence, one at a time. Which is how mentally enfeebled ninjas attack in action movies. So dumb. Vince orders Owens to start, and so we begin a one-on-one match, as Vince and Steph take a seat near the Timekeeper Cubicle.

Reigns wins the opening exchange. Owens bails out, regroups, and takes control in the least exciting way possible. Owens takes Reigns to Chinlock City, while 15 other guys just loiter around ringside. This is NOT anything even remotely resembling the unprecendeted super-exciting stipulation match WWE spent the entire show promising.

Reigns gets a mini-rally, but then Sheamus creates a distraction, and Reigns falls for it. Owens punks him out from behind, and Reigns tumbles out of the ring to the floor. Owens tacks on a fatman senton, and Reigns' ribs have been compromised. That's the first sign of compelling drama, so hey, let's cut away for some....

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Back, and our one-on-one Reigns/Owens match continues, with Owens still in control. Seriously, WWE sold the shit out of this as some kind of thrilling, never-before-seen main event, and at this point, it's not even as intrigue-laden as a Lumberjack Match would have been. That's how useless and pointless everybody who isn't Kevin Owens is.

I mean, part of me is perversely amused, because Owens is really good, and therefore, it's fun to watch him single-handedly do the job. But that doesn't change the fact that WWE promised one thing, and has delivered another. You want to do a Reigns vs. Owens main event, with a giant schmozzy run-in finish? Fine, but set it up differently, and sell us on THAT, not on some other thing that you had no intention of supplying.

Reigns' comeback begins at exactly 11pm (eastern), after Owens whiffs on another senton. Clotheslines, clotheslines, and more clotheslines, including the 10 pack of corner clotheslines. Big Boot. Reigns sets up for the Superman Punch, and Vince finally gives the high sign, and the heels start attacking.... but still in dipshitted one-at-a-time fashion. Superman Punches for Stardust and the Ascension. Spear for Breeze....

And then FINALLY, Sheamus/ADR/New Day attack at the same time, and together with Owens, Reigns falls to the 6-on-1. When Sheamus lands a Brogue Kick, Vince starts directing traffic, as if he wants to hit one last big debilitating move to end Reigns....

ANd that's when Brock Lesnar's music hits. The Beast storms the ring, and has little trouble destroying those lead 6 guys, while the other 10 all run away. Lesnar has Suplexes For All, and the heels are all deposited around ringside. Only Roman Reigns' carcass remains in the ring....

So Brock goes over, and it's not initially clear what he intends as he helps Reigns up.... but then he snaps off an F-5 to clarify things.

At this point, Brock surveys the scene, and decides to be a sportsman. He's made his point, and he leaves the ring... what, exactly, is his point? Well, according to Cole & The Gang, it's that Brock is sending a message to Roman Reigns that he's coming for his title at the Royal Rumble.

Your Winner: Who Knows, via Who Cares, because WWE just completely pooped in our mouths and called it a sundae. That was not a "One Vs. All Match." That was not anything remotely noteworthy or unique up until the second Lesnar showed up. It was Reigns vs. Owens, and while it's neat that Owens dominated, it wasn't even that good a Reigns/Owens match (it was on the very slow/methodical side, like they decided to go through the motions until the big "surprise" finish that would hopefully make everyone forget the match ever happened), and it wasn't even close to what WWE spent 3 hours promising.

You tell me it's a Reigns vs. Owens main event, and I'll set my expections accordingly, and be able to cope with what just happened (maybe even perk up when Lesnar turns the schmozzy non-finish into a crowd-pleasing beatdown). You promise me something special and history making, and you deliver THAT? No, I can't cope, because I'm too busy feeling insulted and annoyed at how shabbily you just treated each and every loyal fan that gave you the benefit of the doubt when there WERE other things on TV tonight. Ahem.

As the show ends, we get a camera shot of Reigns regaining consciousness, and getting his bearings.... and once he figures out what happened, he starts smiling. Brock spots this on the Tron, and pauses to turn around and smile back.

On paper, that may sound stupid, but for anyone who saw WrestleMania 31, this was an ongoing theme of their main event match.... as the violence escalated, each guy seemed to enjoy it, and both kept on smiling away as they gave as good as they got. Reigns had a breakthrough int he match, and part of it was that he DID seem to gain some measure of Lesnar's respect, and this seemed like a callback to that. So, uhhh, nice touch, I guess, and it's on that note that we fade to black...

And so ends the show... and WWE really screwed the pooch. They had a pretty damned good undercard, and they had a big post-main event Brock Sighting. All they had to do was not insult the fans with a desperation bait-and-switch after the undercard and before the Brockening.

But they did.

And look, it's pretty easy to guess what they were thinking. "Oh, shit. Tonight's the night we bring back Brock Lesnar, and we forgot it's the BCS Title Game. Nobody's going to be watching. We have to trick people into watching. Even in a good week, our third hour is usually our lowest rated hour, so c'mon, everybody, let's really think up an EXTRA TRICKY scheme to dupe our loyal viewers into sticking around, and then, they'll just forget all about how we just fooled them, because TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT WE GAVE THEM BROCK LESNAR. Nope, no deception is too egregious, we just have to mislead those idiots into hanging around long enough to see BROCK LESNAR."

And from that, somebody decided "Hey, let's just lie, and say the main event is gonna be something really cool and special, but really, it'll just be a slow-motion Reigns/Owens one-on-one match with a heel run-in for the non-finish. But then, we win everybody back with BROCK~!"

Except, that's not how it works. Pretty much everybody already knew Brock was gonna show up, so it's not like that was the big, shocking "make good." It was more like "Yep, there he is." And sure it was fun, because Brock Brocking the shit out of people is never not fun. But it wasn't the kind of Moment that makes up for 3 hours of outright lying and hoodwinking. At best it's a lower-case "moment," and even then, it's never a valid promotional tactic to insult your audience to quite this degree just because you forgot that one of your major developments on the Road to WM was gonna happen against a ratings juggernaut on ESPN. I'm begging you, WWE, just ignore what's on other channels and just focus on doing YOUR show, and making it good; the rest will sort itself out.

More than anything, this whole mess made me have visions of Vince McMahon turning into Michael Scott from "The Office," and his myriad displays of complete and utter desperation to get people to like him, without realizing that lies told now will have consequences later. Like the time Michael promised an entire class of fourth graders that he'd pay for their college educations, if they graduated high school. And then, years later, when they did so, inspired by his promises, there's the painfully awkward moment when he reveals he can't afford that, so he tries to placate them with free laptop batteries.

Yes, my friends, that's tonight's RAW in a nutshell: WWE's front office is Michael Scott, a free college education took the form of "One vs. All," and Brock Lesnar was a free laptop battery. And all of us poor saps are Scott's Tots, who suddenly find it impossible to appreciate a perfectly fine free battery because you are a damned dirty liar, WWE.

Which is too bad, because other than that mind-bending miscalculation, it was a good show... the two biggest segments were the US Title change (ADR's promo set the table, and then the match was excellent) and the Highlight Reel into the tag match (no big newsworthy developments like a title change, but just plain funtimes), and right there, you had, like 45 REALLY strong minutes... Ambrose/Sheamus was painfully slow to start, but had a solid second half and a hot post-match.... and I gotta say, we endured months of lazy/random booking in the women's division, but all of a sudden, there is a laser-sharp narrative focus with both Charlotte and Becky nailing their marks as antagonist and protagonist...

It's basically 2 hours and 45 mintues of B+ show, with a big fat stinky brainfart of an F wedged into the other 20 mintues. I don't feel like doing any complicated algebra, so let's just ballpark it, and call this a final grade of C, in which the overall trajectory of the product is fine and dandy as WM Season picks up, but where a single indefensible promotional decision spoiled the individual night's action.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

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RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.