OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Roman's Reign Begins
December 14, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Star Wars week is upon us, and I have to admit, I'm probably more fired up than I should be. Then again, maybe not: going by the marketing saturation, Disney probably thinks I should be even MORE fired up.

I mean, I'll see the movie over the weekend, but I shall not be camping out or trying to see the earliest show possible. I'll attend a showing that is crowded, but not packed in like sardines. Stinky, hygeine-deficient, be-costumed nerd sardines.

But with Star Wars being licensed out to Jeep and Revlon and Honey-maid graham crackers and Campbell's Soup and -- I am not making ANY of these up -- designer handbags, you get the impression Disney will be disappointed if they don't sell $8 billion worth of tickets this weekend. It doesn't matter that these are completely insane and ridiculous marketing tie-ins, it only matters that every sentient being in every demographic group must know about Star Wars!

But mostly: it actually looks like the movie will be pretty good, and a welcome nostalgic reminder of my youth (I'm not so old that I saw the original in the theaters; "Jedi" is the only one I attended that way; but between HBO and the toys, I still kind of grew up on Original Star Wars and was plenty old enough to despise the prequels), which is my own personal motivation.

Added bonus for me: today, Paramount let loose with the new Star Trek trailer. And I've always been a Star Trek guy ahead of a Star Wars guy, because -- you know? -- my big fat brain and liking the fact that Star Trek told real sci-fi stories and wasn't just fantasy.

Well, it used to be. Now, the JJ Abrams reboot alternaverse is mostly as mindless fun as Star Wars. And luckily, next year's third movie looks to be getting back to being fun in the right way. Unlike "Into Darkness" which was funny for all the wrong reasons. Audible chuckles during a death scene because of how terribly ill-advised your rip of of Star Trek II is is NOT what they were looking for, I assume. But for the third movie, we're right back to where that big dumb-but-lovable first movie started: with "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys. I'll take it. [Also: are those bad guys Cardassians, or is that my big fat brain thinking too hard again?]

And hey, speaking of mindless fun versus ham-handed writers making terrible miscalculations, and how it can be tough to reconcile the two, here's what happened on tonight's RAW:

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc, OO does not recap recaps.

REIGNS VS. A MCMAHON, PART 1

And then we're live in Philadelphia, PA, where Stephanie McMahon is on her way to the ring. Based on Cole & The Gang's narrative, Triple H is hospitalized after Roman Reigns snapped last night, and now, Stephanie is in charge.

And right off the bat, she completely goes off the rails by turning a straightforward wrestling angle into a labored thesis about how women in positions of power are demonized as vindictive bitches and yadda yadda yadda, she has the same education and qualifications as any man, and she doesn't want to be judged on her gender, but since the WWE universe are just like everybody else, and they WANT to treat her like a vindictive bitch, she's gonna give them what they want.

Way to take 4 minutes of ham-fisted, over-written monologue to convey a simple idea. Hooray, your dad is Vince, and your man is Hunter.... but you've been on TV for fricking 18 years, and we have a relationship. We hate you because you do spiteful things, Steph, not because you are a lady. Iterjecting that false narrative exposes the process and the over-writing. This weird random rant about women in the workplace (which is acutally a cheerable thing) just takes us out of the moment rather than servicing a story where everybody already wanted to boo you, and yout tried to turn it into something else.

Anyway, before she can drop the hammer, Roman Reigns himself makes an entrance from the crowd so he can get the bad news, face-to-face. He flat out owns it, saying he enjoyed kicking HHH's ass, and doesn't regret anything that happens from here on out. Steph keeps on trying to make this something more than it is with talk of spouses and children. Roman: "You know, we all got better things to do, and I don't want to hear your babbling, so if you're gonna fire me, fire me."

Steph then continued with over-written dialogue that does not logically follow, as she rants about how Roman should stand up and own what he did, and accept responsibility. Uhhhh, Steph, that was literally the first thing out of his mouth. Christ...

This is verie bad and dum riting. But when both Reigns and Steph start shouting, and Steph starts slapping Reigns (who restrains himself, because hitting a woman is not TV-PG), and the crowd reacts to the more visceral outbursts.

Finally, stops flailing and gets to the punchline. She's not going to fire Roman, because HHH asked her not to. He wants to deal with Reigns himself. But Steph cannot promise that Reigns won't be fired before the night is up, because Vince McMahon is on his way to the arena to address this situation later tonight. Yay?

I cannot overstate how much WWE needs to get away from the Writer Monkeys and get back to two believable characters saying things, listening to each other, and responding to what is said, because Steph's random rant about women in the workplace and then telling Reigns to own up to what he did three minutes after he opened his comments by owning it was just mind-bendingly bad.

But the point is made: HHH wants to keep Reigns around to beat his ass himself (presumably at WrestleMania), but we're gonna milk the drama for a bit with a rare appearance by Vince. It'll get a buzz going, which is good, but I'm not sanguine about the payoff just yet....

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER (Non-Title Match)

WWE quietly blew off the Ziggler/Breeze match on last Thursday (Ziggler won, clean), and now, this.... huh, am I thinking too hard, or does this start lining up for the long-rumored Ziggler heel turn?

If that's the plan, it's not happening tonight. Out of the gate, Ambrose gains the advantage, starts working methodical holds, and Dolph is the time compressed Face in Peril. All of four minutes in, Ziggler gets a mini-rally, leading to a stand-off of mutual respect. Break in the action means we break for....

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Back, and we see Ambrose going for the standing elbow, only to have Ziggler catch him in mid-air with a dropkick. Seems we joining back-and-forth End Game, already in progress. Stinger Splash misses. Ambrose slam reversed. Fameasser hits for a near fall. Ziggler calls for the superkick, but Ambrose dodges. Ambrose up top, and hits a missile dropkick for a near fall. Running bulldog for another near fall.

Philly says "This is Awesome," which is a bit charitable, unless the 3 minutes during the commercial were really red hot.

Ambrose calls back to last night, getting frustrated by the kick-out, which gives Ziggler time to recover.... superkick lands, but Dean falls back into the ropes, and come back with the Rebound Clothesline.

With both men down, the crowd starts booing.... ahhh, I see, it's because Kevin Owens is on his way to the ring to ruin a good match. He attacks Ziggler first, and that's when the ref calls for the bell. But as soon as Ziggler's tossed out of the ring, Owens turned his attention to Ambrose, and positively kicked the crap out of him.

The beatdown lasted long enough that Ziggler recovered and tried to make the save.... that did not end well, and Owens wound up powerbombing Ziggler onto Ambrose's carcass.

Your Winner: Not Sure, via I Dunno, in about 10 minutes. Technically, the ref called for the bell as soon as Owens attacked Ziggler, which would make Ambrose the winner via DQ. But then Owens attacked Ambrose, too, and no winner was announced, so probably just a No Decision. But it does introduce the likelihood of Ziggler being in the IC Title hunt as a wild card.

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Backstage: Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo Jr. catches up to Kevin Owens to ask him about what he just did. He's basically a dick to her and underscores that what we just saw is just a taste, and this doesn't end until he gets his title back.

Elsewhere Backstage: the Dudleys, Tommy Dreamer, and Rhyno have gathered together, and Bubba delivers a big ol' pep talk. He says last night did not go as planned, but they are in Philly, and they've all spilled more blood, sweat, and tears in this city than any men alive. Dreamer, Devon, and Rhyno like what they hear, and finally declare that tonight, they want to see the Wyatts in that ring, because they are gonna take Philly back to the Extreme. Predictably, the crowd thinks this is a dandy idea.

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R-TRUTH vs. BO DALLAS

Ummm, so usually when one of these guys is in a match on RAW, I can bust out my beloved chestnut "We're all adults here, so let's not pretend this is something it wasn't." But in this case, they are both equally jobbery, and while we remain adults, the Thing This Is isn't clear.

Oh, wait.... after about 45 seconds, we cut away from the ring to the parking lot, so we watch Vince McMahon's limo arrive. He and Steph have a quick exchange in which Steph suggests they head to the ring and "do this." But Vince tells her to catch the company jet and go back to take care of HHH, and HE will "do this."

Then we go back to the ring for another 45 seconds of pointless action, before Vince McMahon's music hits. Based on the almost-reasonable amount of silliness in his walk, I think this is Vince trying to be a babyface, so there's that.

But then he tells those two schlubs to get out of his ring.

Your Winner: No one, via random act of Vince, in about 3 minutes. Whee.

Vince gets in the ring: Vince opens by saying there's somebody backstage who is probably sweating profusely and worried about his future with the company. And guess what?

Vince exits the ring, and pulls up a chair next to the announce table, where he says, "Roman Reigns, prepare to sweat a little bit longer." And with that, Vince kicks it to a commercial break. The hell? You go out of your way to create a sense that "OMG THIS IS LIVE TV, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN" by having Vince's surprise arrival happen in the middle of a match. But then, you do the opposite of live TV, by sticking to the format and doing a planned commercial break? How is this getting through a basic quality/continuity check? That's not just sloppy, that's distractingly schizoid, doing one thing, and literally less than a minute later, doing the opposite.

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REIGNS VS. A MCMAHON, PART 2

We return to find Vince randomly berating people at ringside for about 5 seconds, before suddenly sitting back down in his chair when he realizes he missed his cue, and we're already back from break. He sits in the chair long enough to re-establish that he's making us all wait for HIM to be ready, and then he slowly stands up and tells Roman Reigns that it's time to get his ass out here.

Reigns enters, this time down the ramp, and meets Vince in the ring, conveniently at the exact top of the hour, exactly like the format said it would. Ahem.

Vince puts himself over as an intimidating presence who makes grown men quivver. And Roman Reigns will be no different. Vince demands an apology. Reigns just shakes his head. Vince ups the ante, and says now he demands that Reigns get on his knees to issue the apology. Reigns just smirks and refuses.

Then, Vinces enters the realm of the absurd, saying he will beat an apology out of Reigns. This is met with bemused chuckling, at first, but as Vince actually takes off his jacket and starts puffing out his chest, the crowd starts to buy into it.... and just in the nick of time, too, because about 3 seconds later, Sheamus' music hits to take the drama out of things.

Sheamus says he totally respects Vince and knows he could beat Reigns' ass, but Sheamus has a personal bone to pick from last night, and wants the honor of being the next man to destroy Reigns. And he asks Vince for permission to do it tonight.... because Reigns had himself one hell of a hissy fit last night, but every time Reigns and Sheamus have been in the ring with the WWE Title on the line, Sheamus has been dominant.

Vince asks the fans if they want to see a title match tonight? Of course they do. "Ahhhh hahahahaha, I can't believe you fell for that AGAIN. There's no chance in hell I'm giving you a title match for free tonight." Boo. So Reigns responds, "Why not? He wants it, I want it, they want it. Why don't you want it, Old Man? I think it's because you're 70 years old, and you're completely out of touch with reality. And you have tiny balls, because talking about other mens' testicles is my new thing." SICK BURN~!

And it works. Vince busts out his Angry Growl as he says, fine, the match is on, Reigns gets his title shot. Yay. On one condition: if Reigns fails to win the WWE Title, HEEEEEEEEEE'SSSSSSS FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRED. Yay, again.

Vince appears to want to seal the deal with a handshake, but at the last second, he pulls back his hand and kicks Reigns in the balls. Then Vince's music hits, and he celebrates up on the stage with Sheamus, confident that this will all work out for the best.

Notable: Vince clearly stated that Reigns had to WIN THE TITLE, not win the match. So the loophole that existed a few weeks ago in the 5:15 challenge does not exist here. Then again: remember 50 minutes ago, when Reigns said he owned his actions and was ready to get fired, because he wouldn't change a thing? You're making it too easy for me tonight, Writer Monkeys. The title being on the line is neat, but if Reigns doesn't care about being fired, why should we care on his behalf.

Also notable, on a similar note: I'm not sure WWE thought this through.... Reigns had his nice breakthrough last night, but still hasn't done enough to totally win fans over, so it would not surprise me if more than a few fans are rooting for Reigns to lose later tonight. Better to have kept it simple, with the "HHH wants to keep him around" angle, rather than hoping against hope that there's gonna be some kind of Bryan-esque grassroots support for Reigns after all of 24 hours.

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JACK SWAGGER & RYBACK vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO & RUSEV (w/ Lana)

Both heels scored pretty decisive wins last night, so I guess let's see if the faces can change their luck by joining forces? I'm guessing not.

Pretty quickly into a heel beatdown. Rusev and ADR work well together as soon as they can isolate on Ryback. After about 4 minutes, Rusev gets cocky and berates the crowd. Ryback hits a bellly-to-belly that creates separation. Hot tag to Swagger.

Swagger goes to town on Rusev, until he whiffs on a Swagger Bomb, and it breaks down into a four-way brawl. When Lana gets on the apron, the ref is distracted, and Swagger falls prey to some illegal double-teaming, ending with stereo superkicks.

Your Winners: Alberto del Rio and Rusev, via pinfall, in about 5 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened.

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The Rosebush: Adam Rose gets 60 seconds of TV time to "zing" Charlotte and Tommy Dreamer. I assure you, the 7 seconds you spent reading this paragraph was a much better use of your time.

NEVILLE vs. TYLER BREEZE (w/ Summer Rae)

Breeze beat Neville a few weeks ago, in between losses to Dolph Ziggler, and that loss kicked off Miz's recruitment of Neville, because Neville clearly needs some help

This is the continuation more of the Miz story than of a Neville/Breeze feud, as Miz shows up before the bell, sits down in a director's chair, and then declares that it's time for quiet on the set, and demands Lights, Camera, and Action.

Neville and Breeze proceed to wrestler for Miz's enjoyment, as Miz shouts "direction" through a megaphone, like the magnificently annoying tool that he is. He mostly shouts encouragment towards Neville, but does it in a clearly condescending fashion, so Neville starts to get distracted by it.

Likewise, when Miz encourages the crowd to chant for Neville, he does it in the exact sort of way that causes them to boo vociferously. Finally, Neville makes his big comeback, entirely of his own volition, and hits the Red Arrow.

Your Winner: Neville, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. Miz (and JBL on commentary) try to attribute the win to Miz's "direction," even though he contributed nothing. We'll have to see exactly where they go with this, but on the face of it, Miz does have the chops to be Jimmy Hart v2.0, so that's not nothing. Also: man alive, how fast was Breeze's descent into jobberdom?

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Backstage: Neville and Miz are arguing. Neville is saying he doesn't need Miz, and Miz's rebuttal is a ridiculous rant about how he can totally turn Neville into the star of Star Wars Episode 8. Just imagine Neville's crazy Jar Jar ears flopping around as he swngs a lightsaber! Also, there is talk of Miz wanting to learn from Neville, too, because if Miz can master a realistic English accent, he'll be the next James Bond. Needless to say, Neville is having none of it, threatens to find a lightsaber so he can stick it where the sun don't shine, and he walks out of Miz.

THE DUDLEY BOYS/TOMMY DREAMER/RHYNO vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (Extreme Rules Match)

The ringside area is loaded with all manner of toys. Tables, ladders, chairs, trashcans, kendo sticks, and so forth. Bell rings, and it's an insta-8-way brawl. The good guys have way more experience with said toys, so they gain the early advantage.

But the Wyatts survive the opening flurry, and we shift from the all-8-guys-in-one-big-fight to a couple different fights. While Harper and Strowman are having their way with Dreamer and Rhyno, the Dudleys hit Whassup! on Rowan.

More brawling, generally in favor of the ECW alums, thanks to Rowan powdering out. There's a build to a spot where Bubba's setting up to superplex Harper, but Strowman gets under then, and turns it into a Tower of Doom. It's total carnage, so let's break for...

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Back, and the Wyatts have taken over. It's completely one-sided for a bit until Rhyno shows signs of life. Swinging a kendo stick helps. Harper powders out after a low-altitude take on the Van Terminator. Strowman powders out after eating the announce table.

Harper powders out when Dreamer hits a Samoan Drop off the stage and through a triple table structure.

Meantime, Bubba and Bray have brawled into the crowd and over to the camera-side production area. Both Strowman and Dreamer join in, and then both peel off.... Strowman picks Dreamer up and rams him through the ringside barricade in a scary spot where Dreamer seemed to be too low to land safe (he was upside down for the bump).

"HOLY SHIT" and "THIS IS AWESOME" are heard as Bubba gets the better of Bray, and then gets joined by Devon with a shot to isolate on Harper. The Dudleys hit 3-D through a table on Harper. But when Devon makes the cover, Bray yanks him out of the ring, and drops him with Sister Abigail on the floor.

Rowan takes out Bubba. Sister Abigail on Rhyno, as Bray calls for a table. Devon is laid out on the table as Bray orders Rowan to the top rope. Rowan flies, and splashes Devon through the table. Bray says it's enough, or orders the pinfall. Rhyno does not kick out.

Your Winners: the Wyatt Family, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Fun, chaotic brawl, and the fact that we see Dreamer on his feet so the crowd can give Team ECW anice little standing ovation of respect was nice, too. I'll go so far as to say I liked it more than the match last night, just because there was a moment or two where I actually thought the ECW guys might win.... they only had to get one fluke pinfall, and there WERE openings (as opposed to last night, when they were gonna have to get 4 decisions, and they only managed to get 1).

Next Monday: it's the Slammy Awards, and for the first time in a while, WWE is actually opening up the voting starting a week ahead of time, with certain categories having a fully open ballot. Sure as hell beats the recent years of starting the voting at the end of one segment, with only 5 choices, and then announcing the winner at the start of the next segment, after 3 whole minutes of voting during the commercial. In fact, voting is apparently already open RIGHT NOW~!

NO, SERIOUSLY, THEY MEAN IT....

A decidedly subdued New Day walk to the ring, and say that while they are very happy to still be OUR WWE Tag Team Champions, they gotta be honest.... last night, the Power of Positivity met the Power of Gravity. Some still shots illustrate the awesome ladder match, which featured all kinds of creativity and carnage.

The crowd thanks them with a "NEW. DAYROCKS" chant.

But regardless, tonight, the New Day are still champions, but they are also the walking wounded. Their bumps and bruises have bumps and bruises. So they just want to take a night off from fighting, and show some respect for the noble warriors who put up such a hell of a fight last night. They ask the Usos and Lucha Dragons to come to the ring and get their share of the cheers.

The Usos are suspicious, but they come out first. Woods says they did enough fighting last night, and now it's time to extend an olive branch, and a handshake of respect. The Usos are not buying it and decline. Big E tries to make the case that this is all on the level, and says "OK, look, you don't believe us, let's get the Lucha Dragons out here. Why would we want it to be 4-on-3 if we were planning to fight?" Nice, tight logic from Big E.

The Dragons come out, and Kofi puts them over, big time, even talking about how the Dragons are his son's favorite tag team, and last night they showed why. The Dragons also no-sell the apparently sincere display, by pointing out that for all this big talk after the fact, the truth is that a trombone to the back is the only reason the Dragons didn't win the titles.

Woods admits, yep, he did that, and in the heat of the moment, maybe he didn't do the right thing. But he offers an apology, and asks the Dragons to accept. Instead, the Dragons and Usos go back and forth about how none of them are buying it.

Finally, one last impassioned speech by Woods in which he says they mean every word of this, and at the end of the night, they didn't have that match for themselves, they had it for the fans. And together, they -- all six of them -- stole the show and took the tag team division to all new heights. Big pop!

And with that, the Usos and Dragons are convinced. Jey breaks the ice and shakes Woods' hand. Then, it's handshakes all around, and the Usos and Dragons leave the ring to a respectful ovation....

Then, as soon as they are a safe distance from the ring, the New Day drop the other shoe: GOTCHA, this really IS all about the New Day. Still your champs, still your daddies, still the best. Big E demands to hit their music, and the New Day start boogying down, with some extra stank on it! Crowd also loves this, and eats it up.

But the Usos and Dragons can only take about 20 seconds of having it rubbed in their faces, and rush the ring to deliver a 4-on-3 beatdown. Philly boos the hell out of them, but it's short-lived as the New Day quickly retreat and call off the fight. Not sure if WWE honestly expected any other response, but I hope not. It's OK, though, since there was enough "meta" to it that I felt like that was a pretty genuine moment, but then the New Day just had to New Day, and got back into character. And it's not so much that the Usos or Dragons did anything evil, it's just that Philly had to Philly, too.

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CHARLOTTE & BECKY LYNCH (w/ Ric Flair) vs. BRIE BELLA & ALICIA FOX

Charlotte and Becky mended fences since last night verbal exchange (in which Becky seemed to disapprove of Charlotte's methods of retaining her title). Also of note: Team BAD are seated at ringside. As in, they have tickets and are in the crowd.

Match starts, and Charlotte and Brie are doing their level best, but the crowd immediately decides to chant "WE WANT SASHA." For all the lack of clear cut heel/face alignment in the division, Charlotte immediately slides into a time-compressed Face in Peril role, while Brie is acting quite heelish.

Team BAD sarcastically tries to cheerlead for Charlotte, but the only effect that has is to cause the crowd to keep ignoring Charlotte to chant for Sasha. About 3 minutes in, hot tag to Becky, it immediately breaks down into a Pier Four Brawl, the ref AND Becky are distracted, and Flair reaches in to trip up Alicia.

Becky doesn't know how it happened, but she knows what to do about it. Boot to the head and then the Disarmer is locked on.

Your Winners: Becky and Charlotte, via submission, in 4 minutes. No idea what purpose Team BAD at ringside served, other than to keep things completely random and muddy. But the takeaway is that Becky won a match, via means that she would disapprove of, if she knew. Which is something you have to assume she'll find out about, sooner than later. If it doesn't happen by the time we come back from commercials, well, that more gaping logic holes, which I guess would be in keeping with tonight's overriding theme...

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Backstage: nope, it's not Becky checking the tape.... looks like she'll be leaving the building without finding out what every other wrestling fan in the universe knows. D'oh. Instead, we're backstage because Vince has gathered the League of Nations for a pep talk. Well, most of the League of Nations. For the second night in a row, Wade Barrett is conspicuously absent.

SHEAMUS vs. ROMAN REIGNS (WWE Title Match)

Vince enters first, and takes up a seat at ringside. As in, he pulls up a chair next to the announce table, again. He does not have to pay for a ticket, like the ladies did. Then Sheamus enters, solo for the time being. Then Reigns, through the crowd again.

As Cole talks about the stipulation during the ring entrances, he alternates between Vince's choice of words ("If Reigns doesn't become WWE Champion, he is fired") and "If Reigns loses, he's fired." Until I hear something more definitive, I'm gonna assume we're still doing the former, but that the latter is the easier shorthand way of conveying the stakes.

Full boxing-style ring intros by Lilian Garcia, who -- the second night in a row -- has put together an extra-delightful ensemble. She does not clarify the bonus stip, just declaring it a WWE Title Match. Bell rings at 10:54, eastern, so it's gonna be one of those.

Fast start for Reigns, who is powered by vengeance, rage, indignation, and so forth.... but rather than picking up where he left off last night, he's playing to a dead crowd. Which is exactly as I feared, given the way WWE mishandled the two previous Reigns segments.

When Reigns takes the match outside, Sheamus is able to turn the tide. He rams Reigns into the announce table. As Reigns crumbles and Sheamus celebrates, we break for our final....

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Back, and Sheamus has Reigns in -- you guessed it -- a chinlock. I guess with the boss sitting right there, 12 feet away, you do NOT deviate from the prescribed formula!

Reigns powers out of it using a belly-to-back s uplex that leaves both men down on the mat. We've now had a grand total of 2 and a half minutes of action (90 seconds before the ads, 60 since coming back), and the ref is applying a double count, as if this has been an epic war. Oy. Look, I know it's a trick to fabricate some drama, but it's only a "trick" if it fools anybody. And I honestly don't see how anybody much over the age of 10 is buying into "both guys are running on fumes" when they haven't even seen 3 minutes of action. And some of that was a chinlock. Oy again, I say! OY~!

But in a match that's apt to run for 10 minutes, at least this means that 7 of them will be "End Game" material. Hopefully. Both men up at the count of 8, and they trade fists. Reigns gets the better of it, and begins a full-on hulk up. Builds up to Reigns attempting a Super Samoan Drop off the second rope.... and he hits it! Impressive.

Takes the starch out of both men, though, and the ref applies a slightly more believable double count.... and the crowd is still not really giving it anything (unless you count grumbles and a half dozen dudes audibly chanting "BOOOOORRRRRRRRIINNNNGGGG" over the silence). Reigns is first to his feet, and he stalks Sheamus... but Sheamus grabs him by the belt and drops him across the middle rope. Irish Curse hits for a near fall.

Sheamus tries to follow up with the White Noise, but Reigns escapes and hits a powerbomb for a near fall of his own. After another allegedly "dramatic" double count, Reigns steps back and calls for the Superman Punch. But upon entry, Sheamus picks the wrist somehow morphs it into a single arm powerbomb of his own.

Reigns kicks out at two, but Sheamus is back in control. Sheamus cinches in a modified Cloverleaf submission, but Reigns gets a rope break.

Sheamus glances over to Vince, and Vince nods meaningfully at him. Why Sheamus needs or wants Vince's permission to end things is beyond me, but Sheamus does seem to take it as an excuse to set up for the Brogue Kick.

But instead, Reigns blocks it, hits a wickedly stiff headbutt (blood is drawn), and then follows up with a Superman Punch. That wakes the crowd up. When the ref drops down to count, Vince yanks him out of the ring. Reigns is distracted by this, and eats a Brogue Kick.... but there's no ref, as Vicne suddenly changes his tune and tells the ref to get in there and do his job.

The delay allows Reigns to kick out. Vince once again distracts the ref, and Alberto del Rio and Rusev hit the ring and deliver a mini-beatdown. They feed Reigns back to Sheamus. Another Brogue hits, and again, Vince releases the ref to make a count.... but once again, Reigns kicks out.

The heels are all stunned, which means they all instantly lose about 60 IQ points apiece. They look at each other, they argue with the ref, and then they try to re-attack, one-at-a-time, so that Reigns can pick them off.

Superman Punches all around. And one for Vince, too. That one pops the crowd, big time. It's just Sheamus and Reigns. And Sheamus eats a spear. One. Two. And yep, three.

Your Winner, and NEW WWE World Champion: Roman Reigns, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Welp, that just happened. A lot of parallels to last night, in the sense that WWE really mishandled the first two Reigns segments to the point that the audience was booing, chanting "boring," and otherwise disengaged for the entirety of the "match" part of the match. Then, as soon as it broke down and got crazy with Vince attack the ref and the LoN, the crowd perked up.

By the end, it seemed like they were not too upset by the title change. Certainly, they managed to undo any audible booing with the overbooked craziness.... but with Cole and the announcers purposely shouting to oversell this as A Moment (which it wasn't; it was just a moment), who knows what they were hiding. Tellingly, most wide shots revealed a goodly percentage of fans just standing there, unimpressed, casually glancing at the stage, like they were expecting another swerve to happen. But it didn't, and in so far as the fans who decided to react strongly, it seemed like a positive reaction.

Reigns' win may or may not "stick" (punching McMahons tends to result in swift title lossage), but they pushing like hell to make it seem permanant during Reigns' celebration as we fade to black....

And so ends the show... I fully expect word to get out by mid-week that this was a last second booking decision, inspired by the success of last night's post-match angle.

Because this was not a well-constructed three-hour arc; there were all kinds of random bits, logic holes, and internal inconsistancies that reeked of "slapped together this afternoon, quite possibly because of one of Vince's random mood swings." If it was thought-through and well-planned, you would have had Reigns build and build to a win in a linear fashion. Instead, those first two segments were just flamboyantly hot-shotty.... nothing at all to sink your teeth into, just WWE banking on visceral reactions to Steph slapping Reigns and Vince getting physical.

Then, WWE goes and replays the hell out of both those things, and the visceral thrill wears off. The excitement you felt wanes, and you realize that none of this really makes a whole lot of sense. And that's why Reigns -- instead of building in a linear fashion -- backtracked for the first two hours, and when it was main event time, he was right back where he was before LAST NIGHT's main event.

Which is to say: not exactly setting the crowd on fire. I can't overstate how little the fans got into either of Reigns' matches the past two nights, only to finally give it up for the tagged on crazy shit. Like I said, a moment, not A Moment.

But if this was the "best they could do on short notice," that mitigates some of the shoddiness, I guess. It's also one of those times where it's entirely appropriate to respond with "That was your best, really?" because if it's your job, you ought to be better than THAT at it. But when Moody Vince happens, maybe you just stop trying to give him what he wants? I dunno.... but no way was that part of some sort of carefully planned two-night arc.

Even if there's any substance to rumors that HHH actually did get injured last night, and maybe WWE used that as part of the motivation for some spazzy change of plans (let's face it, if Reigns vs. HHH happens, there is no justifiable reason for the WWE Title to be involved, but if that match is off the table, then who knows?), I don't buy it. You wouldn't take one bad thing, add another bad thing, and expect it to come out good.

As for the rest, meh, some good, some not so much, but mostly, it's all gonna get lost in the noise as we try to decide if we need to get used to Reigns as champ, or if they're gonna hotshot the belt off him just as quick and randomly as they hotshot it onto him.

Definitely a moment to pause and single out the ECW/Wyatts match, though... enjoyable and definitive. As I understand it, Dreamer and Rhyno will be on house shows for another month or so against Harper/Rowan, up till the Rumble... but as for TV, the Wyatts, particularly Bray, now move on to something fresh.

And if I pause to single out the best part of the show, I guess I'll also point out that the Women's Division found a way to get even \messier and stupider tonight, which I would not have thought possible. Such a waste.

Also: where were Ambrose, the Usos, and Barrett for the second night in a row? Barrett might be hurt, or something, and they're just trying to gloss over his absence. But Reigns getting no help from his "family" requires explanation and is another sign that nobody is taking the time to do any real quality control on this material. It's getting to the point where the best thing Reigns could do is cut a promo next week in which he says "Thanks for Nothing, Everybody" and turns on the fans for booing him and beats down his "family" for abandoning him, and so he had to go and do it All By Himself.

I'm only half joking. I mean, it's almost as tough to explain and hotshotty as what WWE did tonight, but you could twist it around enough to make it work. But I suspect WWE's explanation will continue to be No Explanation, because we weren't meant to notice this massive narrative black hole.

So.... what final grade. If the criteria is "getting people to talk about you" (and to some degree, it is), then this is an A+ show. But if the criteria is "having people say universally good things about you" (and it ALWAYS is), then this was more like a D+. But tonight, I don't think you can just average those together and have "B-minus" make sense.

I think this is a rare "two shows in one" where some fans gave in to the desperation hot shot booking and got caught up in the excitement. To them, there no sense taking that joy away from them. But then, there's a lot of us who just instinctively noticed all the flaws accumulating, and couldn't sell out to the moment (and my guess is, there are also alot of the first kind of fans who, once the afterglow is gone, will inch over to our side), and there's no point trying to convince us that was really the best way to play it with Reigns.

If you really liked tonight's RAW, I get why. If you were significantly underwhelmed and think it should have been handled way better, I get why, too. But I don't see a way where I can mix it all up and call it a mediocre night of wrestling. It was one show or the other, depending on your temperament.

See you next week for the Slammys, everybody!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.