OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Retroactive Gravitas
March 24, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

Greeting, everybody. PyroFalkon is still away on Madden '16 duties, so please allow me to briefly fill you in on what happened on last Thursday's edition of WWE SmackDown:

New Day opened the show with a big promo about their general greatness, and how they really want to SAVE. THETABLES. This brings out the Dudleys, who do a fun job getting themselves over as compelling challengers to the Tag Titles. But that has the effect of bringing out the Prime Time Players, who already have an obligatory tag title rematch, and who wax semi-heelishly about the Dudleys just waltzing in here, like it's still the Attitude Era, demanding title shot. Oh my... there's nothing to do about THEM WORDS but FIGHT. [The New Day believe they got out of this scot-free, but they didn't.... they will have to face Reigns and Ambrose tonight in a tag match, as revealed to them backstage, by Renee!]
So they fight, and the Dudleys beat the PTPs, cleanly, in a decent little match.
We're scheduled for a Neville vs. Stardust match, but the Ascension attack Neville before the bell, and it's a 3-on-1 beatdown. After it's done, Stardust reveals that we've just seen the genesis of the Cosmic Wastelands.
Sheamus beats Cesaro in a pretty good match. Good, but no need to go rushing out to the youtubes. Cesaro was overselling his rib injuries from RAW, so it was a bit more on-sided than it could've been.
Miz TV has Summer Rae as the main guest. She's terrible. I mean, the MATERIAL is mind-bendingly awful, and I don't know how it got approved.... but her deliver did nothing to improve it. Then Dolph and Rusev and Lana showed up, and ahhhh, I don't even care....
Bo Dallas squashes R-Truth. Crickets.
In a backstage segment, Renee interviews Nikki Bella about her aspirations for a record-length title run, and is in interrupted by Charlotte, who reveals that she's the #1 Contender, but she doesn't want to wait for NoC.... she wants to cut Nikki's reigns short of the title, and has reached out to the Authority to make this happen.
Charlotte beats Tamina. Don't act surprised.
Renee does an interview with Kevin Owens.... it spans a few topics, but the takeaway is that Owens is setting his sights on Ryback's IC Title...
Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose settle for a DQ win over the New Day, when Eggsavier Woods decides to just blatantly interfere in the match to save it. Ref calls for the bell. Brawl continues, and Reigns and Ambrose win it... when the New Day bail out, they even call for the Wyatts to come get some, but Bray only shows up on the Tron to offer some vague threats. ANd that's how the show ends.

That was Thursday, this is Monday!!!! So let's find out what happened on tonight's just-completed RAW:

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc, and we're live in Baltimore, MD. Cole & The Gang welcome us to the show in the most perfuctory way possible, because the Greatness that is Seth Rollins is already on his way to the ring...

SETH IS SPECIAL

Rollins gets to the ring, and his body language is pretty negative, as you might expect given his situation where he has to fight twice at Night of Champions. And Seth starts talking, and he mentions his plight, and teases that he's pissed, but then....

"I had an epiphany. Why should I be upset? I'm Seth freakin' Rollins. I'm special. I got this."

BOOOOO~!

He's not just special, he's once in a lifetime special. Until Seth Rollins, nobody even dared to think about cashing in MitB in the Main Event of WrestleMania. He twists history into claiming he beat Brock Lesnar AND John Cena (he's never really beaten Lesnar). He says he's the first person to ever hold the WWE and US Titles at the same time.

He's special. He's GREAT. And he knows Baltimore isn't familiar with greatness, but even THEY must recognize they're in the presence of it right now. So Seth projects this greatness forward to Night of Champions, and he's supremely confident that he'll beat John Cena, because he already has, and then he'll move on and beat Sting, because Sting's not in his league anymore. And at the end of the night, he'll be greater than ever, because he'll have faced two future First Ballot Hall of Famers in the same night, and beaten them both. And once that happens, even the densest WWE fan will have to recognize that Seth Rollins stopped being the Future a long time ago, and now, he is simple THE MAN.

A crow calls. The Tron scrambles. And then Sting shows up on the Tron. He jokingly says that he totally agrees... Seth is the Man.

"The Man Without a Statue." Heh.

Sting steps back, and we see he's got the statue with him. He goes on a spiel, talking up the statue and how important it is, building up to a dare: he wants Seth Rollins to come and get the statue. "Come and get it." Crow calls, and Tron scrambles, and Sting's gone.

Seth starts getting pissy, but that's instantly snuffed out by Sheamus' music. Sheamus storms down the ramp, holding up his MitB briefcase. Sheamus has a mic, and makes some vague threats, and Rollins just totally begs off, claiming that he's got this whole statue thing he's gotta deal with, so he's got no beef with Sheamus...

But Sheamus has a bit of a beef with Rollins, and wants Rollins to hold tight for a bit, and recognize the simple fact that even if Rollins pulls of a miracle at NoC, he stands zero chance of surviving a THIRD match against Sheamus. Sheamus isn't saying he's doing it. He's saying he could choose to make his point later tonight, in two weeks, or at the next WrestleMania. But he wants Rollins to be fully aware that NoC is shaping up to look like a really nice shot.

Sheamus shoves the briefcase in Rollins' face, and Rollins sort of begs off, and that eases the tension. Interesting opening segment, but useful; I'd hyped up the idea of the double-match making Sting a WAY more compelling challenger than if he was Rollins' only opponent. They only amped up the tension that Rollins MIGHT ACTUALLY LOSE THE TITLE, by emphasizing that Sheamus is eyeing the opportunity.

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Backstage: Seth Rollins is chatting with Stephanie McMahon. He's pissed about what just happened, and wants to know "Where's HHH? He wasn't here last week? We need a plan!"

But Steph is a bit put off by this, saying, "Well, I Have a plan, and I think the smart thing is...." but Rollins just shouts over her that he wants HHH to fix this.

Enter HHH, who is clearly a bit annoyed by Rollins, both for calling him out AND belittling his wife. Rollins says, OK OK Sorry, I just thought we could all work together on this... and Rollins first idea is about getting his statue back.

HHH cuts him off, and says, Nope, the most important thing is proving all the haters wrong. You gotta show everybody that YOU ARE THE MAN.

Seth is tenatively down with this, but you can tell he doesn't entire trust HHH at this point, so he asks "How do we do that?"

And HHH reveals that the whole plan is for Seth Rollins to defend two titles in two matches at NoC. So what better way to silence the critics that to fight twice. Tonight, Here on RAW.

Seth is not happy, but the way HHH is spinning it, Seth also can't decline without looking like a doofus. He accepts.

Then HHH reveals the rest: for starters, Rollins will face Ryback, one on one. And then, Rollins will team with his fellow champions, the New Day, against a team of #1 Contenders, John Cena and the Prime Time Players. "You got this, right? You're the Man, right?"

HHH and Steph leave, and Rollins just slowly starts pep talking himself. "I'm the man. I'm the Man! I'M THE MAN!!!!"

Scene.

PAIGE (w/ Charlotte and Becky Lynch) vs. SASHA BANKS (w/ Naomi and Tamina)

This is a rematch of last week's final BtC Match, which lasted an indefensible 1:40 and ended with a fizzle as Sasha outlasted the clock.

So Paige is understandably pissed, and comes out strong. For about a minute. Then she misses a corner charge, and Sasha takes over. It hasn't even been 1:40, but we've already gotta break for....

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Back, and Sasha is in control, working modified chinlock. Paige immediately fires up out of it, and Sasha just as quickly snuffs that out picks up a more dynamic offensive.

In addition to Sasha's offense ticking up in pace, we get a bit of extra sizzle from Tamina and Naomi making their presences felt. Paige gets more hopes spots, thanks to a flash suplex and a whiffed top rope move, but for the most part, it's all Banks for about 3-4 minutes.

Then, Paige sidesteps a corner charge, follows up with knee strikes, and even gets Sasha set up for the RamPaige... Sasha just barely evades it, and bails out of the ring to avoid any follow-up.

Paige hits a sommersault senton onto all three members of Team BAD, tosses Sasha back into the ring and hits a wheelbarrow suplex for a near fall.

Paige calls for the PTO submission... Naomi jumps in on one side of the ring, and Tamina on the other side. The ref turns to Naomi, and Paige turns to Tamina.... then Noami and Tamina both bail out, as Sasha grabs a handful of Paiges hair, and gets her with a cheap schoolgirl roll-up.

Your Winner: Sasha Banks, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. That's more like it, WWE. Nothing to write home about, but that was a legitimately compelling and entertaining wrestling match that just so happened to be performed by women. As opposed to what WWE usually serves up, which are "diva matches meant to be judged by their own criteria." The reason NXT women get the response they do is because they are treated like the former. The reason those same women have gotten underwhelming responses since the "Diva Revolution" is because WWE keeps doing the latter.

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ROMAN REIGNS & DEAN AMBROSE vs. THE ASCENSION

Rather than separate entrances, Reigns and Ambrose enter together, though the crowd, to Reigns' Shield music.

After last Thursday's formation of the "Cosmic Wastelands," there is no Stardust in the Ascension's corner. At least, not to start. And in straight-up 2-on-2 action, uhhhhhhh, I don't like the Ascension's chances.

Reigns and Ambrose make me look like a very wise man as they proceed to squash the Ascension, ending with the Doomsday Device.

Your Winners: Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened. The absence of Stardust is a bit odd, as they could have used this as an excuse to show Reigns and Ambrose in another 2-on-3 situation, to mirror their issue with the Wyatts. But nope....

Freeze Frame: on the TitanTron, Braun Stromann's black sheep mask appears. He removes the mask and says he doesn't blame them if they're scared. They should be. Bray adds on a generic threat of destruction facing them and anybody stupid enough to team with them at Night of Champions. And Harper merely suggests, "Run."

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Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with IC Champion Ryback... after Ryback dispatched Big Show last week, the new challengers are lining up, starting with a non-title champion vs. champion match against Seth Rollins. So Ryback says a few nice things about Rollins' accomplishments, before dropping the other shoe, and promising to pin Rollins after a Meathook and the Shellshock.

Then, Kevin Owens saunters in, snacking on an apple. Last Thursday, he vaguely challenged Ryback, and tonight, he keeps that up by offering sarcastic compliments before telling Ryback to be careful not to bite off more than he can chew. I can't be the only one who is perversely entertained by the prospects of Owens/Ryback, can I?

Recap: no, OO will not recap the recap. But OO will report that WWE's recap of the whole Lana/Dolph/Summer/Rusev crap actually made that whole shitstorm of stupidity EVEN WORSE. Usually, it's a strength of WWE's that -- even when the seriously screw up and present terrible TV -- they can polish it up and make the story seems halfway sensible in a video package. Instead, this video package just exacerbated the problems by making the "drama" even more ludicrous and tabloid-y.

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RYBACK vs. SETH ROLLINS (Non-Title)

Even after the previous segment in which Rollins was pep talked into believing that he can use toinght's assigment to prove how good he is, he immediately bails out of the ring and threatens to walk about, because he has nothing to gain fromt his match. Ahhhh, continuity!

The process repeats a few times, with Rollins bailing out as soon as Ryback would hit the most basic offensive move, only to have Ryback goad him back into the ring.

On the 4th time, Ryback just grabs Rollins' wrist and keeps him grounded or under control so he can't scurry away. Grumbling and a mild "BOOR RING" chant can be heard, until Ryback steps it up with a Thesz Press and more striking.

About 5 minutes in, and Rollins has gotten about 3 offensive moves of his own. All Ryback.

Impressive super-delayed suplex gets Ryback his first near fall. Gorilla Press Slam, and Rollins ducks out of the ring again.... and that's when the tide turns, as Rollins introduces Ryback to the ring post, and then the ring steps. Just like that, Ryback is a broken man, and Rollins is starting to regain strength. But for now, there's a break in the action, so we break for....

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Back, and Rollins is working a sleeper. That lasts about 7 seconds, and then Ryback breaks it up by falling back into the turnbuckle. However, Rollins sidesteps Ryback's corner charge, and goes right back to a chinlock, retaining control.

He keeps it for a few more minutes, until Ryback catches Rollins on a springboard, and turns it into a slam. A little back and forthy, Ryback gets the better of it, hitting a big powerbomb for a near fall. But then, Ryback goes up top.

Rollins catches him, and tries to turn it into a superplex. Ryback powers out, and sends Rollins crashing back to the mat. Ryback regains his footing up top, and comes off with a flying splash.... Rollins rolls out of the way, and regains control.

Rollins chucks Ryback out of the ring, and calls for the ref to apply a count. Ryback gets on the apron, so Rollins knees him to the mat, and tells the ref to get back on it. Ryback gets to his feet, so Rollins takes him down with a suicide dive, and calls for another count.

Ryback no sells this, and just follows Rollins back into the ring, surprising him with a spinebuster, and then setting up for the Meathook. Rollins dodges it, and all of a sudden a crow calls.

Sting (with the statue) are on the Tron, and Sting says, "Man, Seth, what's the matter with you? You've got your priorities all wrong. Your statue is right here. Why don't you come and get it?" Then another crow call, and Sting disappears.

But the distraction is more than enough to allow Ryback to snag a quick small package.

Your Winner: Ryback, via pinfall, in about 12 minutes. Pretty slow getting warmed up, but decent enough by the end, with a finish I wasn't expecting.

After the Match: Sting popped up on the Tron, again, and rubbed it in by placing a Sting mask on Seth's statue. Ooooooooooohhhhh, burn!

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Backstage: Seth Rollins is storming down a hallway, demanding to know where Sting is.... but isntead, he finds the New Day, his partners in a match later tonight.

The New Day are all POSITIVE and stuff, which only makes Rollins' even pissier. He just does not appreciate the genius of the New Day.

But all of a sudden, Edge and Christian walk in (they are guests on the Steve Austin Podcast later tonight). Edge eyes Rollins, and says the last time they were in the same building, Rollins was trying to leave Edge paralyzed for life. Rollins says, yeah, he did what he had to do to get the Authority back in power. Edge points out that Rollins might have gotten the Authority back, but he didn't finish the job on Edge.

Mayhap he would like to finish it tonight? Rollins steps up, realizes Christian is right there, and that the New Day have stepped back, so he's fighting alone. So Rollins just says, "Bah, I've got bigger stuff on my plate. I have a statue to find!" And Rollins storms off.

That leaves E&C and the New Day, and hilarity ensues. Just go find it on the youtubes... I'll just sum up that the End Game featured a Trombone vs. Kazoo Battle.

Just when you thought that was the punchline, however, the Dudleys also appear. They inform the New Day that they will defend their tag titles next Monday on RAW... against the Prime Time Players.

But then, the winners of that match will face the Dudley Boyz at Night of Champions. The New Day are horrified, so the Dudleys try to console them with song: "GET. THETABLES." To the beat of "NEW. DAYROCKS." And with E&C accompanying on kazoo.

Awesomeness.

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THE WORST

Summer hits the ring for the next phase of his insulting garbage. They even replay the terrible recap package for a second time, which is mind-blowing.

Summer doubles down on her story about Dolph (the one which we all know to be false, because it happened on camera), and begs Rusev for forgiveness, because she was weak and let Dolph seduce her. So Rusev forgives her, and talks some trash about Lana.

So Dolph comes out to defend Lana's honor and says that he and Lana are better than ever, despite Summer's lies. Then Dolph superkicks Rusev.

I know that report lacks a bit of detail, but honestly, the less said, the better. Pretty much everything until Ziggler showed up was met with silence or "BOOOR RING" or "BUUUULLLLL SHIT" because it was the worst.

Backstage: Randy Orton is headed to the ring for his match against Sheamus... but first, he stops and chats with Reigns and Ambrose. OMG, MYSTERY PARTNER REVEALED~! Or not.

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RANDY ORTON vs. SHEAMUS

It's a SummerSlam Rematch! But the SummerSlam Match was, itself, about the eleventy billionth time we've seen that match, and to cart it out again is really just milking the he-goat.

An old-school slow feeling-out process to start just makes matters worse. But hey, that's all part of the WWE philosophy ("Keep it slow, remember YOU'RE telling THEM the story, not the other way around"), no matter how many times that philosophy has been found wanting.

Dead silence, until Sheamus dives out of the ring at the 3 minute mark, and just starts screaming "I do not look stupid!" Even though nobody said he did. But once reminded, the crowd does deliver a "YOU LOOK STOOO PID" chant, so Sheamus dives out of the ring again, this time to grab a mic and berate the crowd.

Halfway through his spiel, he looks back, clearly expecting Orton to be attacking him, but Orton's still standing in the ring. Dolt. So Sheamus has to turn away gain, and act distracted until Orton can scurry about and "sneak attack" him. It probably won't go down in history as epically hilarious as Orton asking Sheamus "What's My Line?" on live TV, but it certainly was another noticeable brainfart from the Mantard.

With the sneak attack finally concluded, Sheamus is in a heap outside the ring, and Orton is posing in the ring. So we break for....

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Back, and Sheamus has regained control, and guess what he's working? A chinlock. Orton tries to fire up, so Sheamus turns it into a rolling senton. The newly-silent crowd is not entertained, but Sheamus does his level best to re-engage them with a shout of "YOU WILL RESPECT THE 'HAWK!" Mixed results, at best.

But Sheamus' obsession with the crowd gives Orton the opening he needs to start a full-on comeback. Pendulum powerslam, and his new T-bone suplex for a near fall.

Orton tries for the Hanging DDT, but Sheamus fights out, and goes for the Ten of Clubs. He pauses when the crowd starts counting along, and instead drops Orton with a clothesline, and follows up with a top rope battering ram for a near fall of his own.

Some more back and forth, with Sheamus getting the better of it, ending in a modified bow-and-arrow submission. Orton has to get the rope break, and he gets it... but isntead of following up, Sheamus wastes time acting frustrated.

As a result, Orton dodges his next change, and sets Sheamus up for a superplex. Nails it, too. Orton makes the cover, but Sheamus escapes at two. Orton sets up the Hanging DDT again, and this time, it lands.

Orton coils, calling for the RKO. Sheamus shoves him off into the ropes, and catches him on the rebound with White Noise. Near fall.

Sheamus steps back, and calls for the Brogue. Orton side steps, tries for an RKO, Sheamus ducks it, but Orton catches him with it on the rebound.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Not bad. But not nearly good enough to make up for the fact that we've seen this a hundred times before. It's only been over for 90 seconds, and I've already completely forgotten that it happened.

After the Match: Orton's leaving the ring when we get the Wyatt Family Freeze Frame. Lights go out. When they come back on, Orton is surrounded by the Wyatts. Three-on-one decimation, with Stromann getting the last shot (that weird release shoulder-breaker thingie).

The message seems to be: if you even TALK to Reigns and Ambrose, the Wyatts consider you to be an enemy combatant. Alas, did nobody ever introduce them to the concept of the "self-fulfilling prophecy?" By attacking Orton, they just ensured Orton will join the cause.

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THE DUDLEY BOYZ vs. LOS MATADORES (w/ El Torito)

The Matadores give Lilian an excuse to bust out full-on Spanish ring intros. And that gives me an excuse to mention Lilian, who is sporting an extra tasty-looking ensemble tonight. Just tremendous, to a distracting degree.

But other than that, we're all adults here. Let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Your Winners: the Dudley Boyz, via pinfall, in under 2 minutes. Of note, there have been rumors about repackaging the Matadores (remember: they're Epico and Primo, Carlito's brother/cousin, and do have some promo/personality skills that are wasted under masks)... and after the match, they blame Torito for the loss.

And after they physically assault Torito, the Dudleys are motivated to come back to the ring, for the rescue. Not unexpectedly, this ends badly for the Matadores. Another 3-D to one, and a Bubba Bomb through a table to the other. Yep, that's thelast time we see the Matadores in that exact incarnation...

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CESARO vs. MIZ

Little backstory to this one, as Miz has been in awe of Cesaro's skills, and wants to take over his career, and turn him into a star. Only thing is, Cesaro is not impressed my Miz in any way, shape, or form, and has rebuked Miz's offers of career assistance.

So let's fight about it!

Cesaro's having fun out of the gate, just flat out-wrestling Miz, and mixing in taunting his mannerisms, and other stuff that has the crowd really enjoying things.

Miz decides to take a breather, so Cesaro follows, pauses at the commentary desk to grab JBL's hat, and hits a running uppercut on Miz. Then celebrates on top of the commentary table in JBL's hat, before finally returning it.

As much as these antics please the crowd, it means that when Cesaro rolls back into the ring, Miz is able to catch him with a stomp, and begin an offensive of his own.

Cesaro was selling injured ribs last week, and although he lost the tape job tonight, Miz starts targeting them again, and Cesaro pretty much just crumbles.

Miz is methodically stomping away on Cesaro's ribs, outside the ring.... and that's when Big Show comes out and starts stalking Miz. Miz just runs away, eventually out into the crowd.

The ref was counting the whole time.

Your Winner: None, via double count-out, in about 5 minutes. Actually some fun stuff, despite the brevity and the non-finish, a testament to the fact that Cesaro's pretty badly underutilized. After Miz escaped through the crowd, Big Show stormed back up the ramp, only stopping to hit the KO Punch on Cesaro, who was just getting back to his feet.

Huh. Obviously, Miz vs. Big Show is a thing we're exploring. But does Cesaro figure in, now, too? Or was that KO Punch just a random pointless tag?

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WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 1979!

So the Bella Empire are here to talk about the impending record that Nikki's about to set... and before Nikki speaks, Alicia channels Road Dogg, and Brie does a bit of Billy Gunn to goose some cheap heat out of the crowd.

Then Nikki takes the mic and calls our attention to the BellaTron, where there's just over 7 days left before Nikki becomes the longest reigning Pink Butterfly Champion in history (the title was created in July 2008). Nikki says it's clear sailing to the record, and when she breaks it, she's gonna through the greatest party ever, a true "Bellabration."

Enter Team PCB, with Charlotte leading the charge... Charlotte says she loves a good party, hell, we all know her dad, partying is in her blood. She's pretty sure she's better at it than the Bellas, just like she's better at wrestling.

So, building off a seed planted last Thursday, Charlotte says she's campaigned for her title shot to come a week early, and the Authority have granted it: next Monday on RAW, Charlotte faces Nikki in a title match. Charlotte fully plans on beating Nikki and ruining her plans to set the new record.

And oh, the party afterwards will be pretty good, too.

Team Bella gets a bit annoyed that Charlotte got her wish granted, and they go nose-to-nose, very brief one-sided brawl, won by PCB, and the Bellas retreat.

Next Monday shaping up pretty big: two title matches (tag and women's), along with the rest of the final-show-before-a-PPV fireworks. Must be the first night of Monday Night Football! [Actually, it's not. The first meaningful Monday football is happening tonight, just not in the NFL. Living where I live, I am PAINFULLY aware that tonight, there's some team I don't give a shit about having an allegedly "huge" revenge game. Ugh.]

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JOHN CENA & THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS vs. SETH ROLLINS & THE NEW DAY (w/ Eggsavier Woods & a Trombone)

Rollins is acting like an 85-year-old with a recent hip replacement, milking the non-existent sympathy for his over-sold injuries. Nice work. And then, some jackwagon fan jumps the barricade and wants to walk to the ring with Rollins (he's not an obvious threat, he's just a moron), so Rollins has to step up his pace and stop over-selling. But the ref jumps out and helps security get that sorted out.

Back to the story: Obviously, Rollins goes back to selling, and he wants no part of in-ring work, so he asks Big E to start things off against John Cena.

Big E is more than happy to do so, and immediately introduces a new awesome trick. He cinches a side headlock (normally the most boring of all moves), but does a stomp-and-drop to the beat of the "NEW. DAYROCKS." chant. Not as good as the Abdominal Slap (when he modifies the normally boring-as-hell abominable stretch with the "NEW. DAYROCKS." slap on his opponent's ribs), but still pretty cool.

In fact, Big E just continues a pretty continuous assault on Cena, to the degree that Rollins grows a pair, and asks to be tagged in. He applies about two stomps, then tags back out.

Big E and Kofi go to the frequent tags to keep Cena trapped in the enemy corner. And Eggsavier provides a spectacular trombone soundtrack. It's great.

But about 4 minutes in, we've got Cena in a heap, and the New Day are celebrating, so we gotta break for....

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Back, and Kofi is dominating Cena. He eats a kick, a high Steamboat crossbody, and Kofi cinches a submission. Cena's able to escape, but Kofi immediately hits the SOS and tags in Big E.

Cena gets separation almost immediately, but Big E tags in Rollins, who is suddenly spry, leaps to the top rope and hits a drive-by knee strike. Coming up on 10 minutes, and neither of the Prime Time Players have legally entered the match.

Oh, and Eggsavier keeps punctuating spots with trombone blasts. Delightful.

The heels have kept cycling through, and we're back to Big E vs.Cena, including a delay suplex, with trombone accompaniment. But Big E is a little TOO embiggened by that success... he flaunts it a little too much, and when he tries to follow up with the criss-cross Warrior Splash, Cena rolls out of the way and makes the tag to Titus O'Neil.

It's briefly power vs. power, and Titus takes out Big E... then a brief Pier Fiver (Cena is too broken down to join in) breaks out, and Titus barely handles it. Woods joins in to make it a Pier Sixer, and that's too much for Titus. Big E recovers and hits the Big Ending.

But Titus rolls towards his corner, and Cena is able to lunge over the ropes to tag himself in. Big E drops Cena, and Rollins demands to be tagged in.

Cena immediately gets the better of Rollins, and cinches in the SSTF... Rollins crawls towards his corner, and manages to tag Kofi in. So Cena hits the F-U on Kofi, and pins him. Just like that, there's nobody well enough to make a save, so Cena gets the three.

Your Winners: John Cena & the PTPs, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Break it down, and on paper it's not really anything... but something about the execution -- especially the sheer effort the New Day are putting into their schtick -- meant this was easily greater than the sum of its parts. A fun way to close out the show, even if it didn't really advance anything of significance.

After the Match: the faces powder out so that Seth can pitch a hissy fit over how terrible his night was. And then, Sting pops up on the TitanTron, and Seth's night gets worse.

You see, Sting REALLY wanted Seth to come and get his statue, and he never did... and now, Sting's got no choice.

The lights come up, and we're in a parking lot, and Sting's got a garbage truck standing by. A for real, stinky garbage truck.

Sting does some Broad Physical Comedy, as he teases the inevitable... and then he finally just up and dumps the statue into the garbage truck, and pulls the lever. The big cruncher comes down and breaks the statue in half.

Sting celebrates his glorious victory, and rides off on the side of the garbage truck.

And back in the arena, Seth's hissy fit reaches epic levels as we fade to black....

And so ends the show... fun, fluffy forgetable ending to a show that never bothered to rise above mediocire int he preceding 2 and a half hours.

I could probably expound at length, but why don't we all just agree that tonight was a textbook C-plus effort, and convene again here next week? See you then, kids......

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.