OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Sensory Overload
August 24, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So, after I hit "upload" on last night's SummerSlam Recap, I did go and watch Saturday's "Hannibal" on DVR. I was wrong. That was NOT the finale. It WAS the 12th episode, which is how many episodes I thought they agreed, to.

But next Saturday, a 13th episode is on tap. Well, penetrate my ass and call me Sally. I'd rather have a 4th Season of "Hannibal," but in the short term, I'm actually quite pleased to be getting one more hour of it than I was expecting.

Comedy Central is going on a 2-week Late Night Outage, and when they come back, Colbert also comes back as the host of Letterman's show.... I thought I was done watching TV after tonight, until September 8. I mean, I'm done with the Reds for this year, because I'm not a big enough masochist to watch the games and root for the higher draft pick, next year. At least now, I've got one more episode of Hannibal to tide me over.

Also, there's some stuff on Netflix I need to get to, which I haven't really had time for. So that should come in handy. But I'm cereal, people: getting Colbert and the entirety of Late Night back has me jonsing pretty hard for September.

Till we get to there, here's what happened now, on the just-completed edition of Monday Night RAW:

Cold Open: Triple H is standing in front of a giant SummerSlam banner, talking about how the show lived up to all the hype, and not just because of Brock Lesnar and the Undertaker (well, duh, they were kind of a let down thanks to your dumb-ass choice of a finish)... instead, it's because of one man:

Seth Rollins.

Rollins strolls in, wearing both the WWE and US Titles, and looking rather proud of himself. Triple H solemnly says "Seth, just so you know, the Authority has made a big decision, and you are no longer the Future of WWE." Seth momentarily looks worried, but you know what's coming: "That's right, you've proven everything you've needed to prove, and you're not the Future, you're the present, you're... The Man."

We pull back, and it turns out we're actually in the lobby of WWE HQ, 45 minutes north of NYC, and they're standing near the Statues of Bruno, Andre, and Warrior.... so HHH goes on a spiel about how Seth Rollins has proven he belongs alongside these other greats, that's he's totally statue worthy, and tonight, HHH has something special planned to prove it to the Universe. Rollins nods enthusiastically, but part of me can't help but think that HHH is just laying another trap.... we'll have to wait and see.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Brooklyn, NY, for the third night in a row. Should be interesting to see if the assembled hipster wankers are tired out, or if they've still got some hardcore smarky chanting in them. Cole & The Gang provide a very abbreviated welcome, and then it's time to shoot it to the ring, because The Beast is here, and he is pissed.

Paul Heyman: Turd Polisher Extraordinaire

Oh, and Paul Heyman, too. WHich is probably more important, since Lesnar is just gonna stand there and look pissed. But Paul is gonna do the talking. Paul says, point blank, that he, too is "The pissed-off advocate for the ripped off Beast" and he's not gonna stand for the misrepresentation of reality that the Undertaker "beat" Brock Lesnar.

He has some slow motion footage of Taker tapping out (the footage that WWE missed in real time) as the ref checked on Lesnar's shoulders during the closing moments of last night's match. OK, fair enough. But so far, nobody has ever addressed the stultifying stupidity of the timekeeper ringing the bell without the ref calling for it.

Heyman says the unpleasant truth is that the Undertaker is mortal, and he doesn't necessarily take any joy in the fact that this revelation probably ruined some fans days. But it's still true, and Lesnar proved it by "tapping out the Undertaker." [Pet Peeve Warning: the Undertaker tapped out. Lesnar made him tap out. Lesnar did not "tap out the Undertaker." That not how verbs work, and I hate that this is now accepted verbiage. I suspect that charming dimwit Joe Rogan is to blame, But that doesn't excuse smarter people parroting it.]

Heyman keeps running his mouth, saying the tap out is tantamount to Taker saying "Brock Lesnar is the better man, the better fighter." Heyman makes mention of the cellphone footage of Taker collapsing in the aisle on his way out of the ring last night. Heyman mentions that Lesnar never tapped out or gave in, because his last conscious action was telling the world to "Gee Eff Why" (Lesnar flipped the middle finger when the ref asked him if he gives up; then he passed out). He says he can go on and on, because the record books say the Undertaker beat Brock Lesnar, but objective reality says something different, and Heyman has infinite ammo to drive that point home.

But it's only a 3 hour show, and he's sick of flapping his gums, so let's cut to the chase. Brock Lesnar wants to face the Undertaker, one more time.

And he doesn't want it at Night of Champions. He doesn't want it next Monday on RAW. He doesn't want it Thursday on SmackDown, or Wednesday or Tuesday or anything else. He wants to do this tonight, right here, in Brooklyn. So come on, Taker, Get yer broken ass out here, and prove last night wasn't the fluke that Heyman says it is.

But there is no Taker (word is, he caught a flight back to Texas earlier today), and instead, Bo Dallas comes out. He smarmily congratulates Lesnar on his positive mindset, but the truth is he passed out, and woke up DREAMING that he won the match. But that's not what re.....

German. Stalk. German. German. German. Huge cheers and "Suplex City" chants. Brock has had enough, and gets out of the ring. The crowd wants more, and Heyman talks Lesnar into one more. German. NOW Lesnar has had enough.

But the crowd hasn't, and neither has Heyman. Heyman asks for a personal favor, and Brock breaks out into a smile. He heads back to the ring. This time, it's an F-5. That brings our show-opening ass-whupping to an end.

Heyman didn't undo how awful last night's finish was, but he EXPLAINED IT in a way that we have a hook, something to care about. WWE Creative and Production f'd up last night. Paul Heyman just bailed them out.

[ads]

THE LUCHA DRAGONS vs. THE NEW DAY (w/o Eggsavier Woods)

That's right. To start, Kofi and Big E are solo, and they come out and make a huge introduction for Woods, who comes out playing the main fanfare of "New York, New York" on trombone... and Big E and Kofi bust into alternate lyrics. The vocals aren't as hilarious as last night, but one zillion bonus points for the Trombone Usage. A "NEW. DAYROCKS." chant breaks out as the match starts.

Fast and flashy start for Kalisto, on Kofi, then Big E tries to jump in. But so does Sin Cara. And the Dragons win the brawl, ending with stereo planchas onto New Day, at ringside. Heels down, faces up, so let's break for....

[ads]

Back, and in all the tromboning, I forgot to mention that the Prime Time Players are sitting in on guest commentary. Also, the tromboning has resumed, as the New Day have gained control, and Woods is hitting a horn blast every time E or Kofi hits a move.

And then, without any babyface comeback to speak of, E and Kofi set up for their finisher, and Eggsavier busts out into "Taps." Hilarious.

Your Winners: the New Day, via trombone assisted pinfall, in about 5 minutes. Pure squash, but tons of fun. And then, it gets more fun.

After the Match: as the New Day celebrate, their music hits, and a pyro burst hits, and gives way to the Dudleys' theme music. Holy shit, they're really here. BOTH of them, this time. The Dudleys storm the ring, and have their way with the tag champs. 3-D for Big E. Whassup for Woods. And then DEVON GET THE TABLES spells the end for Kofi.

To cap it, Bubba and Devon roll out of the ring and get in the faces of the PTPs (who are due an obligatory title rematch, before the Dudleys will get one of their own, and basically tell them, Good Luck, but even if you win, we're back, and those titles are ours).

Tromboners and Wood.... holy shit, my Inner Beavis has not been this close to bubbling to the surface in a long time!

Good times. Good times. The Duds can still go, and it's been a decade since they were really the full-on Dudleys, so this'll be a nice mix of nostalgia and present-day relevance. And even though the Duds handled the New Day just fine tonight, is it too early to call for Spike coming back, eventually, to negate Woods at a crucial moment?

[ads]

Backstage: HHH and Steph are admiring the Seth Rollins Statue, when Rollins himself knocks... they quickly cover it back up with a black cloth, and let Rollins in. They say he shouldn't be in here, he might see something he shouldn't... Rollins says he knows, but he's not here to spoil any surprises. He's just been thinking about it, and he's got something really important and heartfelt that he wants to say...

Wehn Seth was at WWE HQ earlier today, he was struck by what an amazing place this is to work, and how it's become an even better place to work since the Authority took over (uh oh!). The Authority give it right back to him -- no sense of trap-setting, like earlier -- and say that WWE is a much better place with Rollins as champ, and they expect it to stay that way for a long time, because he's now The Man.

Rollins strolls off, satisfied that that went very well. And it did... except, did he just tacitly criticize Vince McMahon for not being as good of a boss as his daughter and son-in-law? ANd if so, is it Vince who will show up to screw Rollins, and not HHH? That's MY takeaway, from this, anyway...

[ads]

DEAN AMBROSE & ROMAN REIGNS vs. BRAY WYATT & LUKE HARPER

Yep, last night's match couldn't have been more decisive, but here we get a rematch. Curious. I sense there is another shoe, and it will drop, shortly.

Ambrose and Harper start, but then they just go straight into replaying last night. The brawl spills outside the ring, Wyatt and Reigns get involved, and it gets crazy for a bit. Ambrose and Reigns win it, as Ambrose takes Wyatt out with a modified rebound clothesline, and Reigns using the step-assisted springboard clothesline to take out Harper. Break in the action means we break for....

[ads]

Back, and the tide has turned, because that's how wrestling works. Wyatt is working over Ambrose to start, but we're actually in the middle of some pretty frequent tags. The Shield were always the ones with the strong Cut The Ring in Half Game, but here, it's the Wyatt Remnants who are putting those skills on display.

Ambrose is full on Ricky Morton for 4-5 minutes, until Harper sets him up for a superplex... and instead, it turns into a Tornado DDT. That's all Ambrose needs to get to his corner and make the hot tag to Reigns. Wyatt in on the corresponding move.

Reigns cleans house, to a decidedly mixed reaction, and steps back to call for the Superman Punch. Bray is able to dodge it, and then Harper creates a moment of distraction. Bray hits a bit swinging uranage for a near fall so close that Ambrose comes in to break it up. Ambrose then powders out with Harper, and Reigns refocuses on Bray.

Reigns with a Jackhammer for a near fall. Harper back in. Ambrose again neutralizes him, and Reigns hits the Superman Punch on Bray. Step back, setting up for the spear.

And there's the other shoe: the lights go out. Pregnant Belly Freeze Frame. And when the lights come back, a 7', 300 lbs guy is standing in the ring, and he's got a magnificent Wyatt Beard sticking out of a Hannibal-ish black goat mask. He removes the mask, and I can report that that is Braun Strowmann, a non-NXT Performance Center guy who came in about 18 months ago, completely green (he's a weightlifter, not a wrestler, and hasn't even had a match in front of cameras; I think he was a Rosebud, a few times, but that's it). But as for who he is now that he's a Wyatt? I have no idea. He now has the beard, and I assume he'll get a new name, too.

Reigns and Ambrose fight the good fight, but the for-now-unnamed new Wyatt takes them both out while no-selling everything they fire at him. Segment ends with Bray proudly gazing upon his newest creation, and telling us all to Follow the Buzzards.

[ads]

MIZ TV

Miz gets a babyface pop as he asks if we're ready for a Divas Revolutuion... but then he gives us a tone deaf introduction for Team PCB, calling them hot and sexy and gorgeous, without saying one thing about the in-ring skills.

Paige, Charlotte, and Becky hit the ring, and Miz opens by congratulating Becky on scoring the pinfall last night.... and she responds by saying that doesn't matter, because Becky didn't win, Team PCB did. All for one, and one for all. Paige doubles down, saying that we aren't looking at three individual wrestlers, we're looking at one team. And Charlotte drives it home by mentioning she has a dad who knows a little something about factions, and he taught her the exact same lesson: if you're all on the same page, if you truly have each other's best interests in mind, you can accomplish anything.

And that's how the Four Horsemen happened. so the three of them are more than happy to heed that advice. WHOOOOOOOO~!

Miz, "Aw, wow, three super hot girls who actually get along. RARITY~!"

Paige, "Mizzy, darling, first of all, thanks for the compliment, but rest assured, we are just not that into you. And second, this has nothing to do with looks, you pervert."

Charlotte and Becky both join in, underscoring that this isn't about looks and outfits and beauty contests.... this about them being legitimate female athletes who want to prove that they can do everything the men in this industry do.

The crowd starts sensing that WWE might have taken a note from Saturday's NXT Takeover, where Bayley and Sasha tore the house down with a Match of the Year candidate... they start chanting "WE WANT SAH SHA."

But they don't get her. Instead, they get the Bellas. Dammit.

The Bellas do some heel schtick, and at one point, it is actually stated, FOR REAL and IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ALLEGED "REVOLUTION," that "Well, PCB won last night, but Team Bella are still the stars of Total Divas." The hell, WWE? The whole story here is that "Total Divas" is a steaming garbage pile that has nothing to do wrestling, and you're using it as a virtue-worth-bragging-about? No wonder this whole 9-sided "feud" hasn't found any traction, even though a bunch of the women in question are individually very popular: it's because you are telling two parallel narratives that are directly opposite of each other. Bzzzt.

After some back and forth, the crowd realizes there will be no Sasha and no Takeover Do-over. Instead, things build up to Miz siding with the Bellas, and calling PCB "Three women who have accomplished nothing here in WWE, and who fight like girls."

Paige, Charlotte, and Becky share a look, and decide the only way to advance their message is to beat the shit out of Miz. So they try. But the Bellas jump in and save Miz. Officials swarm, and we're told that a 6-woman tag match will take place, after these....

[ads]

TEAM PCB vs. THE BELLA EMPIRE

We join the match, in progress. For the entirety of this segment, the Bellas are in control. The crowd chants for Sasha, again. And then, they chant for Blue Pants. Because being on Total Divas makes you part of the problem, no matter how unfair that might be to the improvements the Bellas have made. You want the same results you get out of the NXT Women's Division? That only happens once the toxic elements (anybody who got a job for reasons other than wrestling) are eliminated.

Then a hot tag to Charlotte, who cleans house, ending with a plancha that takes out the heel team. You know what that means....

[ads]

Back, and hte Bellas are back in control. Specifically, Nikki has Charlotte in a half-crab. A split screen reveals that Brie created a distraction to help Nikki regain control. The fan displeasure reaches a point where they actually chant "SEE EM PUNK," for some reason. Probably because they assume it's the best way to displease Vince to the same degree that they are displeased that Vince is giving them a 15 minute Bella match, when Sasha's RIGHT THERE, ready to work.

Then, they just get bored, and do the wave. After that, they go one step too far, and start chanting "We Are Awesome." Nope. The second you chant that, you are not that. Wankers.

Charlotte finally makes a hot tag to Paige. Paige is a house o' fire, but the crowd is busy doing the Yankee Stadium Style Roll Call for the announcers. They finally perk up when Paige cinches Alicia in the PTO, and sense a possible finish. But Brie jumps in to break up the submission, and it breaks down into a Pier Sixer.

In the chaos, Nikki grabs her title belt and whaps Paige with it. Alicia falls on top of Paige for the cheap pinfall win.

Your Winners: the Bella Empire, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Not bad, if we're being fair. But the fans weren't being fair, because WWE's not playing fair. They claim they are having a Diva Revolution, and they do it so right on NXT, only to do it so wrong on the main roster. You can't show us "Hey, look: we're being honest when we tell you the women can steal the show" and then turn around and withhold that same level of quality on the main show, and expect us to accept the slightly above mediocrity that you serve up, instead.

[ads]

STARDUST TURNS ON BARRETT?

The Perpetually Delightful Lilian Garcia informs us that we're set for tag team action.... and Wade Barrett and Stardust hit the ring.

But then, before opponents are announced, Stardust blindsides Barrett, laying him out with the inverted CrossRhodes (Queens Crossbow, or whatever he's calling it, now that it's not the Dark Matters). Odd.

Making it more odd, Neville runs out to make the "save" for Barrett. He wins the brawl over Stardust, and Stardust grudgingly retreats, threatening to get back at Neville, some day.

Ummm, I was envisioning Stardust/Cosmic King spending some time as a real tag team, but I guess not.... face turn for Barrett? Or is he just random collateral damage?

[ads]

This Thursday: The Dudley Boyz will have their first official match back in WWE on this week's SmackDown. Awright, I am so there!

YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN

Jon Stewart hits the ring, using the Daily Show theme as his entrance music. And he is greeted with a mighty "THANK YOU STOO WART" chant. Jon acknowledges the chant, and says that he had a busy night last night, and he knows he upset some people. "Boo" says the crowd.

But he also knows he made some people happy. "YAY" says the crowd, and also "YES." And one more time "THANK YOU STOO WART."

Jon says he knows some parents probably had to explain to their kids just who that old, weak, Jewish man was, but he wants them all to know why he did what he did.... he did it because he believes in history, and he believes in streaks and he believes in records. Just look at the dressing down he gave Paul Heyman last night.

So what Jon did last night had nothing to do with Seth Rollins. It had everything to do with John Cena trying to match Ric Flair's record 16 times as World Champion. And Ric Flair is the Man, and Jon couldn't stand to let another streak, another record fall. Not on his watch. So that's why he did what he did.

And as if on cue, here's Ric Flair.

He gets a huge pop for his entrance and various flailings, but when he grabs a mic, his first words are, "Man, I appreciate it, but I was pulling for Cena." BOOOOOOOO~!

He asks for the crowd to hear him out. He basically says that records are made to be broken, and he knows his recrod will be broken some day. So he's just hoping that it's broken by somebody he can respect. And he respects John Cena. He would have been OK with Cena winning, and Jon screwed that up.

Jon lowers his head, and admits he didn't quite think this through... Flair just repeats his last line, about Jon screwing up. A bit awkward, so somebody just hits John Cena's music..

Cena comes out to a chorus of boos, and says as far as the WWE Title goes, he actually sort of gets it. Jon is a fan, Jon was also in a rare position of power last night, and Jon did something because he believed that strongly in Ric Flair's legacy. To believe that strongly in something, and to do something about it, Cena can almost respect that Stewart kept him from winning the WWE Title.

But there's something else: and Cena cannot forgive Stewart for allowing the US TItle to fall into Seth ROllins hands. Stewart's a fan, SURELY he has noticed what Cena has done with the US Title since wresting it from Rusev's Russian Hands. Cena's used it as a tool to provide an opportunity to an entire new generation of talents, the very talents the fans have been clammoring for.

Thanks to Cena, we know what the Kevin Owens, Cesaros, Sami Zayns, and Nevilles are capable of... if Jon's such a fan, surely, he appreciates all that, right? And now, it's gone, because Seth Rollins is NEVER gonna do anything like that with the US Title.

Stewart says yeah, he appreciated all that, and he enjoyed every second of the US Open challenge, and respects Cena for it.... it's just that however great that respect is, it's still nothing compared to the respect Stewart has for Ric Flair. And so that trumped all, and it's why he did what he did. He knows it wasn't a particularly well thought-out plan, but that's all he can say.

But Cena can't let it be. Instead, he declares, "OK, well, if your defense is that you just did what you had to do because it's what you believed in, I guess it's time for me to do what I have to do." And then Cena drops his mic and hoists Jon Stewart up for the F-U. Asshole!

Cena leaves to a mix of boos, with some "Whoa, pretty cool, didn't see that coming" mixed in. Cameras linger on Stewart as he gets checked by trainers and finally helped out of the ring by some refs.

Good segment, believable explanation for Stewart's actions, and it gives them an out so Stewart can just walk away and disappear. No loose ends.... unless Stewart's now REALLY pissed, and actually DOES turn heel for some reason, seeking revenge on Cena. [/fantasywish]

[ads]

Backstage: John Cena is WALKING~! And he bumps into Renee Young, who just wants to know, "The hell?" (I'm paraphrasing). Cena says, hey, Stewart just did what he had to do, so Cena is sure he understands that Cena just did what HE had to do. He does not expect any further troubles, and is happy they got to talk.

And speaking of talking. There's one more guy he wants to talk to tonight. And he'll make sure that conversation happens. He does not spell it out, but I think we can assume he means Rollins.

CESARO/DOLPH ZIGGLER/RYBACK/RANDY ORTON (w/ 80s Groupie Lana) vs. SHEAMUS/KEVIN OWENS/RUSEV/BIG SHOW (w/ Summer Rae)

A quad-style rematch of four different matches from last night... if you read my RAW preview, you know I'm looking for them to use this as a "Mix Master" that churns out fresh singles pairings for some of the guys (other than Rusev/Ziggler, I see no real futures for any of the other three feuds; Orton vs. Owens, in particular, would make a lot of sense).

Since the ring introductions took about 5 minutes, we get 45 seconds of action, then some heel interference, and it turns into a four-on-four staredown with all 8 men in the ring. Break in the action leads directly to.....

[ads]

Back, and it's Big Show putting the boots to Dolph Ziggler. For his troubles, Brooklyn keeps feeding him a "BIG. SHOWSUCKS" chant. Ziggler with hope spots here and there, and Big Show just crushes him and shouts "I'm a freaking giant!" every time.

Big Show has had enough, and tags in Owens, and the crowd changes its tune. They are very pro-Owens, and cheer extra loud when Owens gives them a Fat Man Hip Swivel. Heh. But Owens only puts in about 30 seconds of work, and tags in Sheamus. We are right back to the live crowd savaging the heel. The "YOU LOOK STOO PID" chants are raining down. But Sheamus keeps punishing Ziggler. Are we not entertained!?!?

I kind of am, but the live crowd, not so much. With Sheamus taunting the crowd and gently massaging his mohawk, we break for more...

[ads]

Back, and we've cycled back around to Big Show vs. Ziggler, with Show firmly in command... at least tonight, Lana's remembered to cheer for Dolph. Ahem. Ziggler gets another hope spot, and this time, Big Show's response is to tag to Rusev.

Rusev stays in control until Summer gets on the apron to taunt.... that brings Lana over for a brief catfight, which distracts Rusev. Ziggler has some separation, but the heels short circuit it, ever so briefly, when Rusev manages to tag in Owens.

But then Ziggler hits a flash enzuigiri, and gets to his corner. Tag to Cesaro, who goes to town on Owens. At the first sign of an Owens comeback, Ryback is tagged in, and keeps the pressure on Owens, leading up to a Meathook. No pin attempt, straight up for Shellshock... but Owens escapes, they criss cross the ropes, and both men fire clotheslines.

Both men down, double count applied. Both men crawl to their corners. Orton and Sheamus tag in, and Orton immediately dominates. Pendulum powerslam, and the hanging DDT both hit. Orton coils, but that's not really effective in an 8-man match. Big Show in to break it up. But it screws up, as Orton dodges a KO Punch, and Show hits Sheamus.

Sheamus stumbles backwards, and eats and RKO, for shits and giggles.

Your Winners: Orton/Ziggler/Cesaro/Ryback, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Nothing fancy, just a very solid execution of a tried and true formula by 8 guys tend to hit more than they miss. A thoroughly unobjectionable way to spend 15 minutes.

After the Match: Owens and Rusev still had their wits about them (Sheamus was powdered out), and decided that Big Show just really screwed the pooch, so they confront him. They deliver a verbal smackdown, and Show's all "Screw you guys, I'm going home." But Rusev and Owens pull him back, and beat the crap out of him. Savate kick/cannonball combo finishes things.

Then, it gets weird, because I assumed this was positioning Show to turn back babyface. But WWE decided to give the Show-hating Brooklyn fans a little extra, as the babyfaces consulted, and decided THEY would team up on Show, too. They jump in and kick the crap out of him, ending with Cesaro/Ryback hoisting Show up and dropping him into an RKO. Brooklyn did, in fact, appreciate this.

[ads]

Freeze Frame: and we're back in the Wyatt's darkened lair, where Bray is talking, and Luke is standing in the background... no sign of the new guy, as Bray does a spiel sarcasti-congratulating Reigns and Ambrose on their moment of glory last night. But oh, how fleeting was that glory. Tonight, reality strikes, and that reality is that Bray Wyatt is always one step ahead, and tonight, that meant introducing the world to Her Greatest Gift, Abigail's Black Sheep... and the new guy in the black mask pops into the background.

He removes the mask, as Bray announces that his name is.... well, how about that, it's Braun Strowmann. No rebranding necessary, I guess. Predictably, he says nothing, but just glowers at the camera to close the segment.

Backstage: John Cena is WALKING~! again. This time, it's the Authority he bumps into. Steph is oozing insincerity as she says "Ooooh, wow, amazing work, John. You just F-U'd a beloved TV star who weighs 100 pounds less than you. You must be really proud." Cena responds by repeating that he just did what he had to do, but he's got his sights set higher, and he will be moving up in weight class before the night is over.

Steph gestures, and the camera pans back.... Cena is now flanked by security. Stephanie knows that Cena has his eyes on Seth Rollins, but tonight is Rollins' night to shine, and Cena will NOT be permitted to spoil it. She tells security to escort Cena out of the building. Cena scowls at her, but complies.... we'll see if that sticks. I actually have a feeling it will; I just don't see Rollins vs. Cena happening at NoC if it's just for the US Title... and that's the title to which Cena is entitled a shot. But NoC is predicated on ALL titles being defended, so Rollins needs somebody to show up and present a case for being the #1 Contender to the WWE Title.

That's not Cena.

[ads]

THAT'S NOT A MOON..... THAT'S A SPACE STATION (or, I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS....)

A giant box is in the ring (which is also covered in a red carpet). So it's time for the Statue Unveiling.

Triple H and Steph enter first. And Steph says "I'm gonna go off script, and get i so much trouble for this, but....." And then she says that while we're about to celebrate a great champion, first, she wants to celebrate a great MAN and a great father. Today is Vince McMahon's 70th Birthday, and she knows he won't come out to accept the cheers, but she still wants everybody to join in and sing "Happy Birthday" to him.

So the crowd does. Mostly. Sort of. And then, it's back to business.

Triple H does a huge spiel about how, before you immortalize someone in bronze, you look for a bunch of qualifications. Jokingly, he mentions Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect as important traits, and Seth Rollins has all of them... but more seriously, to be immortalized, you must be a winner, and right now, there is no greater winner in WWE than Seth Rollins. He's the WWE Champion AND the US Champion.... he is THE MAN.

Here's Seth Rollins.

Enter Rollins, decked out in a suit, wearing the US Title around his waist, and with the WWE Title draped over his shoulder.

Rollins gets a mic, and says he can't believe what an honor this is. This is actually bigger than his eventual Hall of Fame induction. This puts him on the Mount Rushmore of WWE. He says heros are remembered, but legends never die, and last night, he turned into a legend. Like Babe Ruth, he called his shot. He promised to eradicate the disease that is John Cena, and he did just that, and now, John Cena is the past. For 10 years, John Cena was The Man. Past tense, WAS.

But to be the Man, you gotta beat the Man (WHOOOOO~!), and Rollins beat the Man, so he IS The Man. So this statue is a perfectly fitting tribute.... Bruno Sammartino.... Ultimate Warrior.... Andre the Giant.... and now, SETH ROLLINS.

Brooklyn, are you ready? I said..... BROOKLYN..... ARE.... YOU.... READY....

Brooklyn makes enough noise on the second one, and Seth gestures to unveil the statue.

But that's not a statue. THAT'S STING.

BAH GAWD THAT'S STING, and he wants a piece of Seth Rollins... and Rollins is pissed off that he does not have a statue! So the two agree to be disagreeable, and start trading punches!

Sting wins it. After a Stinger Splash, Rollins bails out, and seeks solace with StepHHH, but they are just as pissed and confused as he is.... it only gets worse when Sting eyes the WWE Title belt, which was left in the ring as a result of the brawl.

Sting picks up the belt, and makes eyes with it. They are clearly in love, and want to be together, so Sting holds up the belt and gestures (Broadly, the finest sort of all gestures) that he wants a title match. Rollins is all "NO, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS," but Triple H, who has already had a year's worth of Sting-related drama, is smoldering, and clearly wants to use this as a way of ending Sting forever....

How will it end? Not on RAW!

Because, even with HHH still at ringisde, Cole declares that as soon as RAW goes off the air, HHH has declared that he will respond to Sting, EXCLUSIVELY ON THE WWE NETWORK. Oy.

Obvious continuity dumbness aside, red hot finish. They did a GREAT job on red herring'ing the whole night, from actually showing the Rollins Statue to "banning" Cena, so most people weren't thinking in terms of THAT. They were thinking "Real statue, Cena run-in." And THAT was so much more fun.

I do, however, have to reveal that I actually did call it: I didnt' call it until AFTER the Cena Dismissal, but that's when the penny dropped, and I put some pieces together, and decided Sting HAD to be in there. The Authority's promo didn't dissuade me, and Rollins' actually embiggened me. I was pretty sure that was Sting under there. And I can provide a witness if you doubt me.

Regardless, super-awesome closing segment. Sting's thorn-in-the-Authority's-side vibe continues, and makes this a semi-sensible bit of Stunt Casting (it is NOT just random), and should give Rollins a really, really hot match at NoC, which he will win just to get on our nerves even more. I mean, Sting lost to HHH in a meaningless match, I'm sure he's perfectly happy to drop a match to Rollins where the outcome actually DOES matter, and he can help the other guy....

Sting is celebrating with Rollins' WWE Title belt as we fade to black....

And so ends the show... sensory overload. There were a handful of spots where WWE objectively fucked up, but there were Dudleys, there was a top-shelf A-list celeb taking an F-U, there was Sting.

How do you stay mad at that show? You don't.

Fun night. In hindsight, maybe too stunt-booky or too much all eggs in one basket, but for one night of sitting down to watch wrestling, pretty hard to be anything but super fired up and excited.

Oh, and as a bonus, on the WWE Network interview of HHH, he authorized the Rollins/Sting WWE Title Match for Night of Champions, saying that it's been a year of Sting screwing with the Authority, and HHH messed up by not finishing Sting at WM when he could, so now: here's your shot kid, finish Sting for us. FINISH HIM. DO IT! HHH actually starts Flair Chopping Rollins to fire him u p, and Rollins does accept the mission, and says Sting's crossed a line, and Rollins will end him.

Should be a good one.

But as far as tonight's RAW goes, the handful of spot where WWE just seems to have no clue are MORE than offset where the parts where they are almost trying too hard. The parts where there was a suspicious surplus of Awesome render the parts where Awesome was utterly absent irrelevant.

Final Grade: A.

Dudleys first match as the Dudleys on Thursday. More Sting next Monday. OO's got all of it covered for you!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.