OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Same Outcome, Different Heel
June 29, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So, last week was a pretty big week for the Supreme Court of the United States, and it sure seems like the majority of people are OK with how things turned out.

Not unpredictably, however, there were pockets of discontent... and one of those pockets was the state-sized vortex of punchlines that is Texas. I don't say this lightly; I lived there for the first 5 months of this calendar year (for reasons we have already lingered on for far too long), and got to know some very nice people, and also got to confirm a lot of stereotypes.

What I'm wanting to discuss, specifically, is how the Supreme Court said "It's against the law to prohibit same-sex couples from getting married," and then, the Texas Attorney General said, "OK, but it's not against the law for one of our clerks to refuse a marriage license, because it's a violation of their religious freedom to force them to do it if they're Christian, and we will also arrange for legal support for any of our clerks who want to refuse to issue said licenses."

Oh, Texas AG. To reach that office, you can't be genuinely stupid or mentally enfeebled... I guess it's possible that you're pretending to think this will work, because it will enhance your chances of keeping your job, if you pander to the more hardline members of your side of the political spectrum... but you do realize this approach makes no damned sense, right?

Look, people of all persuasions get caught up in debates of ideology, but at the end of the day, we do have an established law of the land, here. And that law grants a LOT of freedoms FOR certain things. But we have very few situations where you are granted freedom FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S FREEDOM TO HAVE THE SAME FREEDOMS YOU HAVE.

This is why you are free to not be killed, raped, or stolen from by somebody else; because you aren't really free to do those things yourself in civilized society. Nobody gets to do those things. But EVERYBODY gets the freedom of religion and free speech and stuff, and therefore, YOUR freedom to have those things does not include the freedom to make everyone see things exactly the same as you.

You need to get over this hump, because you have no legal standing to defend a county clerk who is basically refusing to do his job.... yeah, it might get messy if we have to start firing people who claim to just be good, plain, god-fearin' folks who don't want to assist in marrying heathens... but this is NOT a "Freedom of Religion" issue. Not even close.

It wouild be if this law somehow prevented YOU from entering into a marriage of one man and one woman. It does not. It would be even worse if the law REQUIRED you to enter into a gay marriage. It does not. If you are somehow opposed to homosexuals, that's your thing and good luck with that as history leaves you further and further in its rear-view mirror, but this law has NOTHING TO DO WITH changing your situation for the worse. It merely changes theirs. For the better. And you need to let that be.

Here's an example that I used over the weekend. It made all of us laugh, and it even seemed to make one person think, so I'll repeat it:

Let's say I'm a devout Jewish person. I take a job waiting tables, but every time a cusomter orders a bacon cheeseburger, I make a big stink and refuse to sell it to them, because my religious beliefs are clear that there is to be no bacon, and I make it clear that I think the customer is a terrible sinner who is going to hell.

Which is the more reasonable course of action: I get to keep doing this every time a customer wants pork, or my manager fires me? Not because I'm Jewish, but because I am a terrible waiter, who is not doing the job for which I was hired, and in the process, I'm abusing the customers. It's not a totally clear-cut issue, but ultimately, if you weigh everything together, I probably shouldn't have taken a job where part of the job description REQUIRES me to facilitate an activity to which I'm opposed. If I want the job, I just have to make my peace with the fact that nobody's making ME eat bacon... but if other people want to, they are free to. And if I can't deal with that, I probably deserve to be fired.

Ultimately, any Texas County Clerk who actually goes along with the AG's utterly dipshitted notion that they are legally permitted to NOT DO THEIR JOBS may find out the same thing. Freedom and liberty aren't absolute concepts, and in this case, your religious belief that somebody else is wrong doesn't absolve you from doing the job you were hired and are paid to do. Because somebody else's perfectly legal right to do that thing trumps your moral objection to it. They're not asking you to join in, they're just asking you to give them the documents that they need to do it themselves. Quit acting like this is a huge problem.

Gay people did not win the right to come into your church and be married by your ministers. Your religious freedoms have been eroded by exactly zero, because this is merely a case of asking for (and receiving) the same legal benefits as you. Overall freedom and liberty has been increased, with absolutely no reduction of yours. This is a good thing. Just like me being allowed to eat bacon in a world where some people find bacon morally repellent, because bacon is delicious, and nobody's forcing them to eat bacon if they don't want. Everybody's happy with this arrangement.

And if anybody out there has a problem with me equivocating marriage and dietary choices, I'M DOUBLING DOWN, BITCHES. I know they aren't exactly the same, because that's how analogies work. But you just might be surprised that these issues are way more similar than they are different.

(1) Neither was remotely hinted at in the New Testament. So this is stuff hinging even more on mythology than the largely historically-provable settings of the Gospels.

(2) The reason why tribal elders didn't want you to eat a pig 4000 years ago is BECAUSE IT MIGHT KILL YOU, so if they attributed that advice to God, you might actually listen to it. Pigs are delicious, but back then, they were filthy, filthy creatures, ridden with diseases, so they had to do SOMEthing to convince you they weren't delicious. [Hell, up until 25 years ago, you had to cook pork chops to the point of horrible dryness because of trichinosis. I STILL have nightmares of my mom's interpretation of "done" pork.]

(3) The reason why tribal elders didn't want you having sex with other men is because, back then, the concept of "over-population" didn't exist, and YOUR SURVIVAL AS A PEOPLE WAS PREDICATED ON BREEDING so you had more manpower than the next tribe over. It's not so much that people were offended by homosexuality as it was "Jesus, Ted. Can you at least stop schtupping Frank long enough to give us a couple of babies with your beard-wives? If you don't, it could literally be the difference between life and death for all of us." This problem also does not exist today; if anything, we have too much reproduction going on.

(4) These are both "rules" that didn't actually come from the lips of God to your ears. But they are both common sense rules that were attributed to God 4000 years ago, because they were the Best Known Practices of the time, and the rulers wanted people to follow them, even if they weren't always popular rules. FOUR THOUSAND YEARS AGO, people had a hard time listening to common sense because they didn't understand how the world around them worked, and would only do things if a supernatural being was credited as the source of an idea.

(5) Today is not 4000 years ago.

(6) You do the math.

Awwww, crap. That last three sentences got way more atheist-y than I meant to be. Because my whole point is that this is not an issue where religion is in play. If religion gives you happiness or peace or anything good, I do not seek to take that away from you. I really don't; I hate the way a lot of atheists go about their business. I'm just asking you to not take away the same thing from other people, who aren't hurting you.

Which means, please, just let Marriage Equality be. Some people win, but nobody loses. And also, on a much more personal note, can we just cut it out with the creationism and messing with textbooks? America was 18th in the world in allowing gay marriage, and we're way, way worse in terms of scientific literacy (in the 40s, I think)... making our kids stupider is not the solution to anything. I will never want to have sex with a man, my own self, but there's a chance that one of these times I plant my penis in a vagina, that a child might be born, and I don't want he/she to live in a world where people think humans and dinosaurs co-existed. Or that dinosaurs never really existed, or whatever intellectually dishonest narrative Evolution Deniers have to use to sleep at night.

But other than that, live and let live really is my whole guiding philosophy. "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you," "Judge not lest you be judged," and so forth, because that Jesus guy was a pretty good moral philosopher, if I do say so myself. And I don't have to know who his dad was to think those ideas were good. Ahem.

And with that out of my system, I hope we can still be friends. To help you remember why you ever liked a disgusting heathen like me in the first place, here's what you came for... this is what happened on tonight's just-completed edition of RAW:

Video Recap for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

NOT WITH A BANG, BUT A WHIMPER

Coming out of the video package, we are live in Washington, DC, where Seth Rollins is already on his way to the ring, flanked by Kane and J&J Security. Yep, both of J and J (Noble cracked a few ribs last week, but he's toughing it out).

Rollins immediately notes that we're in Washington, DC, a city obsessed with power. But that's ironic, since the vast majority of people in this cesspool have none, and have no idea how to get any. But that's OK, because they are in the presence of the personification of power. Seth Rollins is the man who did what no other man has done in a long, long time. He destroyed Brock Lesnar, and sent him packing his bags.

Literally. Brock Lesnar is already over in Japan for the upcoming WWE tour, rather than coming to Monday Night RAW to face Rollins again.

In contrast, this entire Washington crowd needs to get up off their asses and give Jamie Noble a standing ovation, because Lesnar broke three of Noble's ribs last week, but Jamie Noble didn't even THINK about missing tonight's RAW.

In fact, Joey Mercury and Kane are just as commendable, so Rollins splurged and got all three of them gifts.... APPLE I-WATCHES~! Kane and J&J's eyes light up, because it's not the actual objective usefulness of a gift that matters, it's the dollar figure! ZING~!

Then, Rollins pulls Kane aside, and says he's got something special for Kane. Kane's been here for 17 years. He's been here since Bill Clinton was president, since the internet was on dial-up, and since Apple I-Watches were science fiction..... but just when you think he's teasing Kane for being old, Rollins shifts his focus and says that Kane's also been here since Paul Heyman was a fat, sleazy piece of garbage, so it's like Kane just got here yesterday. Nothing's changed~!

As a gift, Rollins has gotten Kane a special gift: a vacation in Hawaii. Well, it IS on the way to Japan, so way to splurge on a stop-over, Seth. But Kane's pretty happy, as Rollins brings out a hula dancer and everything.

Then, it's time for a special gift for J&J... Rollins is sick of seeing them slumming it to arenas in rental cars, so he just bought them.... a BRAND NEW CADILLAC~! It comes with full-on game-show music, and everything!

Somebody apparently forgot to write an ending to the segment, because the Authority are all just cheering and wallowing in their respective financial windfalls when Big Show's music hits.... he's face Mark Henry, and it's next.

By which we mean, after these.....

[ads]

MARK HENRY vs. BIG SHOW

Miz decides to join in on guest commentary, since he and Show are the two challengers to Ryback's IC Title at Battleground. But coming off that Opening Segment to Nowhere, where WWE declined to write an ending/punchline, that just underscores the fact that Big Show is challenging for the IC Title and Mark Henry is..... uhhhhh, not. And so Miz is really the only chance Henry has to be Not a Jobber.

And that's not exactly thrilling TV.

Even less thrilling than Miz creating some shennanigans: Big Show hit the WMD 45 seconds into the match.

Your WInner: Big Show, via pinfall, in under a minute. So Henry IS a jobber, afterall. Yay?

After the Match: Ryback comes down to interrupt Big Show's celebration, and the two have a quick brawl, won by Ryback. Then Miz jumps into the ring and hits an even quicker fly-bye cheapshot on Ryback, before scurrying up the ramp.

Ryback reveals that the two of them are scheduled to fight later tonight, but Ryback doesn't want to wait. He wants them to have their match RIGHT NOW. By which he also means, After These....

[ads]

RYBACK vs. MIZ (Non-Title Match)

They waited till we came back to start.... or, more accurately, Miz apparently spent the entire ad break playing chickenshit, and only got into the ring once we were back. Ergo, once the bell rings, Ryback kicks Miz's ass for a bit.

Miz bails out of the ring and gets a few rope breaks, but it really is all Ryback for the opening 3 minutes or so, including an impressive 45 second delayed vertical suplex.

After that move, Miz makes a concerted effort to leave and get himself counted out. But Ryback chases, and it ends up being the basis for your good ol' fahsioned cat and mouse role reversal spot.

Heel beatdown generates surprisingly good heat on Miz, and a lot of cheers/chants for Ryback. So there's plenty of electricity when Ryback catches a boot by Miz, and starts his rally.... and even more heat on MIz when he once again just decides to bail out.

For some reason, Ryback opts not to follow this time.

Your Winner: Ryback, via count-out, in 6 minutes. Not bad... it seems these two have some pretty solid heel/face chemistry. The only off note is that Ryback just stood around and let Miz get counted out, when earlier in the match, he refused to let Miz have that cheap out. I know you don't want to have Miz look weak before the title match, but there HAD to have been a less bludgeoningly lazy way to get there than this....

[ads]

PAIGE vs. ALICIA FOX (w/ the Bella Twins)

The entire diva roster has forsaken Paige, but mostly via sins of omission, opting not to help Paige in her war against the Bella Empire. Alicia has actually actively joined the Bellas in a sin of commission. Ergo, this match.

Fast start for Paige ends when Alicia bails out of the ring, and Paige follows. She's immediately surrounded, and while the Bellas just threaten without getting physically involved, their distraction is more than enough for Alicia to recover and blind side Paige.

Advantage: heels. As they gloat their 3-on-1, ill-gotten advantage, we break for....

[ads]

Back, and Alicia is firmly in control. Very stompy-punchy, but with a random Northern Lights for a near fall thrown in. Meantime, JBL -- for the second week in a row -- goes on a labored "spinning at windmills" tirade which mostly just serves to make him sound like a high school sophomore who TOTALLY wants you to be impressed that he just read "Don Quixote," rather than amplifying his underlying point in a useful way.

Alicia keeps snuffing out Paige's hope spots for a few minutes, but the crowd stays strongly behind Paige until she can finally fire up, after a series of knee strikes and kicks. The flurry continues until Brie is compelled to get up on the apron to create a distraction. Paige is suitably distracted, but when Alicia goes for the cheap schoolgirl roll-up, Paige rolls through into a pinnng combo of her own. Success!

Your Winner: Paige, via pinfall, in about 8 minutes. Decent little match, with a finish that reminds us that Paige is a formidiable adversary, even if she didn't quite beat an Actual Bella.

[ads]

US OPEN CHALLENGE

We're told that this is a US Open Challenge, but as soon as Cena's in the ring, Kevin Owens' music hits, and it appears as though Owens is taking the match tonight, even though he's already got his US Title Match coming in 3 weeks at Battleground.

And sure enough, that's why he's here. Lilian Garcia (no thigh-high boots this week, if you're scoring along at home) does full boxing-style ring intros, and everything.

SUCKERS~!

You all fell for it, but it was totally a trick by Owens, who goes over, grabs a mic, and says that maybe he'll just wait till Battleground... but make no mistake, Owens will be the man who beats Cena for the US Title. In the meantime, proceed with your silly little challenge, Johnny Boy...

JOHN CENA vs. CESARO (US Title Match)

Gotta wonder if Owens' attitude might drive him to interfere (and help Cena retain the title), given his comments and the fact that he's already had one run-in with Cesaro (on SD, two weeks ago).... there are far worse things than more Owens vs. Cesaro!

As Cesaro and Cena go back and forth with old school feeling out moves, the crowd is enthusiastically split, and the "LET'S GO CENA"/"CENA SUCKS" chants are mighty.

Cesaro finally starts to get the better of it, and uses a mix of power offense and plain old punchy-kicky to keep it up for a bit. In fact, things get to the point of being so one-sided that Cesaro -- sporting full heel mannerisms, despite the fact that he was a babyface when last seen on TV -- starts gloating and wasting time, which give us a window to break for....

[ads]

Back, and Cesaro is still in control, for about 20 seconds.... and that's when Cena fires up the Five Moves o' Doom. But he only gets two of them in, before Cesaro flattens him with a clothesline. Although giving off a heel vibe, the crowd is strongly behind Cesaro, and actually calls for the Cesaro Swing.

Cesaro stops and listens, and decides to go for it... but his one little delay gave Cena time to recover, and he shoves Cesaro off into the ropes, and after a quick exchange, hits the Springboard Stunner for a near fall.

Cena goes for the F-U, but Cesaro sneaks out the back door and counters it into the Elevation Uppercut for a near fall. Impressive elevation, to be honest. Cesaro calls for the Neutralizer, but Cena picks an ankle and turns it into an SSTF. Cesaro immediately flips thruogh and turns it into a Sharpshooter, in honor of his fallen tag partner, Tyson Kidd (who is out for upwards of 12 months after neck surgery).

Cena has to take a rope break, and rolls out of the ring for a breather. Cesaro brings him back in with his awesome deadlift apron superplex. Wow. The crowd is chanting "THIS IS AWE SOME," and they're only slightly exaggerating.

Cena finally blocks a corner charge and turns it into a Tornado DDT to start another comeback. Cena gets a near fall off that, then another near fall off a front facebuster. When Cena goes up top, Owens creates a distraction, allowing Cesaro to hit a dropkick, which sends Cena tumbling off the top rope and to the floor. Cesaro dives out and hits a big uppercut before sending Cena back into the ring.

Cesaro sets up for the Neutralizer again, but this time, Cena counters it into a Flip Powerbomb for a near fall. Cena steps back and calls for the F-U, but Cesaro immediately counters it into a flash Neutralizer for a near fall. Cesaro is shocked, but he doesn't waste any time: he just lays in with a series of vicious uppercuts, and then hits the Giant Swing.

Cesaro gets 10 rotations, and then re-cinches the Sharpshooter.... this time, Cena seems powerless, and can't muster an attempt for a rope break. Could Cesaro really get the win?

Nope, because (as I suggested earlier) Kevin Owens doesn't want anyone taking that US Title until HE does. He jumps in and attacks Cesaro, and the ref has to call for the bell.

Your Winner: John Cena, via DQ, in 18 minutes. Really excellent match, youtube worthy if you didn't see it. Owens causing the DQ isn't just a good call, for storyline purposes (now, we can look for more Cesaro/Owens matches down the line!), but because if you want an excuse to boo Owens, he just gave you one: he prematurely ended a possible Match of the Year candidate. Jerk!

[ads]

Backstage: after a creepy freeze frame, we find Bray Wyatt in his lair, where he's talking to a picture of Roman Reigns (it has "Anyone but you" written on it), and saying, "Roman Reigns, I can't wait to find out, and choke the breath out of your lungs, so you can't tell me no more lies." Then there's another minute or so of ranting and raving about Wyatt can't let Reigns be The One, and how the "insects" watching are inconsequential, because this is about them. Bray is the yin to Roman's yang and yadda yadda yadda...

I'm not quite sure the yin/yang works, since that implies that they need each other to be whole, and Wyatt's goal seems to be to end Reigns.... if he was making more of a play to convert/absorb Reigns, then it works. But that's not what's going on here. Oh well.

Also, for the second time in the past few weeks, Wyatt talks about how his own daddy didn't love him.... which is clearly meant to tie into how Bray is using Reigns' daughter in this storyline, but it takes on an extra level of humor if you try to envision Irwin R. Shyster as Bray's dad (cuz he is!).

[ads]

THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS & THE LUCHA DRAGONS vs. THE NEW DAY & BO DALLAS

The MegaPowers of Positivity are together again, after their formation last Thursday. Of course, Bo Dallas the victim of a Rock 'n' Run attack over the weekend, when The Rock showed up at a house show for a surprise appearance, and he kicked Bo's ass, so we get a lengthy hype video of that before the match even starts...

Then, this rematch from Thursday is on....

Fast and flashy start for Kalisto. Sin Cara tags in, and keeps it going for a brief moment.Darren Young and Titus O'Neil both put in about 15 seconds of work, too, and things cycle back to Kalisto, who immediately gets into trouble.

Kalisto manages a tag to DY, who has a rally against Bo Dallas, which promptly breaks down into all 8 guys staring each other down, and the ref trying to restore order. With this break in the action, we break for...

[ads]

Back, and although Kalisto is the Face in Peril, he gets a hot tag to Sin Cara after about 20 seconds, so we are still eschewing anything resembling thestandard tag match formula, here. Sin Cara does his 30 second rally, then brings in DYoung, who gets a few moves of his own, before losing track of the legal man, thanks to Bo Dallas hitting a blind tag.

Just like that, we finally seem to have a for-real Face in Peril, as Young is trapped in the enemy corner, and can't escape. After 4-5 minutes and several rotations through the heels, Young and Dallas bonk heads in the middle of the ring, and he's able to get the hot tag to Titus.

Kofi in on the corresponding move, but Titus dominates him, necessitating a heel swarmjob, which in turn sets off a Pier 8 Brawl. It boils back down to Titus vs. Kofi after the Dragons take out the heel dogpile with stereo planchas. Kofi tries going up top, but Titus catches him in mid-air and hits a big ass powerbomb for the win.

Your Winners: Prime Time Players and the Lucha Dragons, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. They totally stayed away from the formula fwhich kept things pretty fresh or the first half, but then got fans roped in with an old fashioned heel beatdown leading to a babyface comeback in the second half. A pretty effective blend, if I do say so, myself.

[ads]

DOLPH & LANA, SITTIN' IN A TREE

So the thing here is that Dolph and Lana have "an announcement." Oh my, whatever could it be? [hesaidknowingly]

At least Dolph starts us off with a touch of "realism" by admitting that this wasn't supposed to happen, because he knew from the first moment that Lana was just playing him to get back at Rusev. But hey, he was getting to make out with a hot chick, so he was willing to play along. Win/win, right?

Lana doesn't come right out and admit it in words, but the sheepish look on her face tells us all we need to know. Using her words, she just says that for a long time, Rusev told her how to act, how to talk, what to say, and she thought that was how it should be. But once she met Dolph, she realized what it was like to be with a real man, and that changed everything for her.

She and Dolph became very good friends. Nahhh, wait, that's not true. She and Dolph became More Than Friends. Wink wink, nudge nudge. And she couldn't be happier.

Enter Rusev. Followed closely by Summer Rae.

They get to the ring, and Rusev asks for a mic. He immediately launches into a tirade about how Lana is a "how you say, cold fish." Kissing her was like kissing that ring post. Dolph speaks up and is all, "Whoa whoa whoa, America is the land of free speech and all, but Lana's my girl, and I gotta stop you there." He says Rusev should just move on, because Lana's entitled to make her choices, and she's decided to be with a real man. And hey, if you're gonna obsess over bad mouthing Lana, what's that say about your so called new girlfriend if you can't forget your old one? Have some manners, man!

Rusev and Ziggler go back and forth a couple more times, until Ziggler pretty much says Rusev needs to back off unless he wants to go from one leg to none. Rusev finally does leave the ring...

But Summer's not done. She takes Rusev's mic, and says Lana's nothing but a gold digger. Up until WrestleMania, Rusev was on top of the world. But as soon as he got injured, she ditched him to latch onto a different big star. But Summer's not like that, and as a result, she knows the Real Rusev, who is totally a good guy, who was totally in love with Lana, and she hurt him, and she is a terrible person and....

Lana has heard enough, so she tackles Summer. Somewhere, Joey Styles is in need of a lozenge, because even 10 years after the last time it was appropriate to say so on TV, that's a good ol' fashioned CATFIGHT~!

Sadly, unlike the good ol' days, this catfight isn't nearly as much fun, because as soon as Lana's skirt rides up even the slightest little bit, we see that's she's wearing those damned sensible underpants that long ago ruined women's tennis. Boo. My brain likes things that are sensible. This segment was not designed to appeal to my brain, however.

Backstage: Dean Ambrose is hanging out with two Terminator skeletons, because Corporate Synergy, or whatever. About half a yuk is had with Dean talking to them like they are real, then in walks Roman Reigns to talk about tonight's main event. Is Ambrose focused, or is he too busy talking to toys. Ambrose assures him, he's ready to face Rollins and Kane, and what Ambrose wants to know is: Is Reigns angry? Reigns says, yeah, between everything with Wyatt and the AUthority, he's good and angry.

Ambrose approves, because he likes his Roman Reigns pissed off. And tonight, it looks like he's got it.

[ads]

NEVILLE vs. SHEAMUS

I guess they are going balls-out with this whole "Altitude Era" catchphrase for Neville. D'oh. That's pretty cheesy. And on top of that, it makes me think I shouldn't have swallowed my own jokey "Era" about a year ago, when it became apparant that WWE was going to start pushing the envelope of TV-PG... gone are the days of "JBL is poopy" and firing guys for using ties as a weapon. Instead of existing on the kiddy side of TV-PG, WWE has moved onto the edgier side of it, and I figured that might justify calling this the "Latitude Era."

But then, I didn't, because it's pretty stupid. Still, not even half as stupid as "Altitude Era," and somehow, that passed muster in the marketing department. So I repeat: D'oh.

Match starts, and it's all Neville until Sheamus gets fed up and bails out. As he regroups at ringside, all of 45 seconds into the match, we break for...

[ads]

Back, and Sheamus has taken over. He hits a rolling senton for a near fall, and then keeps piling on with the physical dissection of one of his dreaded tiny men. He pauses to encourage chants about his stupid-lookingness by dramatically pausing to "fix" his mohawk. Then, he trolls some fans who start chanting "Boring" by going straight into a chinlock. Are we not entertained? No, we are not, but Sheamus wants it that way!

But Sheamus' self-awareness justifies the 15 seconds of chinlock, then Neville tries to fire up, but Sheamus snuffs out his hope spot with the Irish Curse, and returns to a more kinetic heel offensive.

Neville finally starts a for real comeback by countering out of a superplex attempt by Sheamus, flipping over him, running to the opposite corner, then low-bridging Sheamus' charge, sending Sheamus to the floor, and then hitting a springboard Asai Moonsault. From there, Neville rattled off a series of moves for increasingly convincing near falls.

It leads up to hitting a huge front kick, and going up top for the Red Arrow.... but Sheamus kicks the top rope, and Neville tumbles to the mat. Sheamus calls for the Brogue Kick, but Neville sidesteps and turns it into a roll up. Sheamus kicks out at two, waits till Neville gets to his feet, and then hits the flash Brogue without any posing or taunting to preface it.

Your WInner: Sheamus, via pinfall, in 10 minutes. Solid, but a bit flat early on, hurt by the ad break after all of 45 seconds, which means it felt a lot more like a 7 minute match where you were taking somebody else word for the first half of the match. I know ad breaks are a necessary part of the show, because that's what makes TV free, but still... I'll never get the point of starting a match, and then doing anything less than 3-4 minutes before finding a more natural spot for an ad break. Matches should all be under 6 minutes or so, and single segment, or over 12 minutes, and multi-segment. These middle ground 7-10 minute matches broken down into two segments do no one any favors.

[ads]

JACK SWAGGER vs. KING BARRETT

On his way to the ring, Barrett has some bad news for us... from no one, all of his opponents will be forced to bow down and pay respect to King Barrett before he will face them. Needless to say, Swagger does not comply, and Barrett freaks out, bailing out of the ring twice when Swagger dares to WRESTLE, instead.

On the second time, Swagger follows and fetches Barrett, bringing him back into the ring, only for Barrett to turn it into the cat-and-mouse role reversal. Bullhammer, and we're through here.

Your Winner: King Barrett, via pinfall, in 3 minutes flat. After the match, Barrett waved his boots in the general vicinity of Swagger's lips, so I'm assuming that counts as "respect." I'm also increasingly starting to wonder if Swagger's gonna be employed much longer... I thought I heard Zeb Colter was back on his feet after knee surgery, and they're just carting Swagger out there, solo, as a job boy the past few weeks? Not promising...

[ads]

DEAN AMBROSE & ROMAN REIGNS vs. SETH ROLLINS & KANE (w/ J&J Security) (No Disqualification Match)

In addition to somehow being sponsored by Terminator skeletons, this match is also now a No Disqualification Match. Seems to me to be foreshadowing interference from Bray Wyatt, but let's play out the string...

There is one potential fun wrinkle to this seemingly obvious cop-out non-finish, as J&J come out into the staging area, driving their new Cadillac. And then, they leave it there as they head to the ring. I guess some unhinged vehicular lunacy might make up for the predictable schmozz finish!

With no DQs, the bell rings and nobody's listening to the ref. Ambrose pairs off against Rollins, and Reigns against Kane, for a few minutes of Tornado-Style Action. Ambrose and Reigns get the better of it for a bit, until they isolate on Kane, and Ambrose goes up top... Rollins sneaks back into the picture to shove Ambrose off the top, all the way to the floor.

Then, Rollins and Kane team up to destroy Reigns, and they are joined by J&J for high fives all around as we break for our final...

[ads]

Back, and after 3 hours of bucking tradition, we return to the sight of a heel working a chinlock! Specifically, it's Rollins working a chinlock on Reigns, and the ref apparently restored order, because Kane and Ambrose are hanging in their respective corners.

Reigns powers out of the chinlock, but Rollins tags Kane in, who short circuits the hot tag for a bit... but then Reigns manages to hit a clothesline on Kane, and makes it to his corner to tag Ambrose in. Rollins tags in on the corresponding move.

Ambrose is en feugo, taking out Rollins, then Rollins and Kane on a giant standing elbow from the top rope to the floor. Mercury gets chucked into the ringside barricade. Ambrose is nice, though, and lets Noble get away. Instead, he starts setting up a table...

The Authority get their wits back about them, and break that up, but at the same time, Reigns rejoins the fight. Together, Reigns and Ambrose and a Kendo Stick are able to fight off Kane and Rollins and Mercury. It builds up to Reigns hitting a trio of Superman Punches....

And then the lights go out. WHen they come back up, Bray Wyatt is beating the crap out of Reigns. And it's all "legal." Told you so.

After Wyatt slams Reigns into the announce desk, he allows himself to be escorted out by a slew of refs. In essence, we are down to an Ambrose vs. Kane/Rollins handicap match. He fights the good fight for a moment or two. But then, the chokeslam, and a Pedigree.

Your Winners: Seth Rollins and Kane, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Not bad. But also, not in any way surprising or engrossing. The only really intriguing and unexpected development is that the damned Caddy escaped absolutely unscathed. INCONCEIVABLE!

After the Match: Rollins calls for that table that Ambrose had started setting up, and J&J prop it up in a corner... Rollins clearly wants to hit his running Turnbuckle Bomb into the table.

Reigns briefly resurfaces to save Ambrose. But the numbers are just as unkind to him as they were to Ambrose. After the most ephemeral moment of hope, Reigns is put down after a chopblock (the same thing that ended Lesnar's rally last week). Reigns eats the table powerbomb.

Then, when Reigns dares tos tart crawling out from under the carnage, Rollins hits another Pedigree for emphasis. It doesn't have nearly the same impact as last week, when they did it to Lesnar, but the destruction of Reigns certainly reminds us that the Authority United is a mighty force.

In turn, that reminds me to point out that "Authority United" is a much better sounding turn of phrase than "The United Authority" (which is what WWE is using). I mean, I have zero interest in soccer, but even I know "Manchester United" is a thing that people like. On the flip side, everybody hates "United Airlines."

But I digress. As we watch a replay of the Authority's handiwork, Bray Wyatt suddenly returns, and decides to get in on the fun... with the Authority gone, he hoists Reigns up and hits a Sister Abigail. Wyatt standing tall over Reigns' carcass is the last thing we see before we fade to black...

And so ends the show... WWE definitely closed the gap a bit between the staggering highs and stultifying lows of the past couple weeks. The opening 20 minutes of so -- with the meandering openging segment-without-a-punchline, followed by Show squashing Henry in a pointless exhibition -- was about as patience-trying as it got... on the flip side maybe we didn't have any "moments" as big and watercooler-worthy as the past two weeks, but the in-ring product was a lot commendable across the board.

And it peaked with an absolutely awesome Cena/Cesaro match, which is worth tracking down on the youtubes, if you didn't see it.

To me, that's about the best kind of show you can hope for when it's three weeks until the next PPV (and two weeks since the last one). Well, I guess you could hope for even more quality in-ring stuff, given that this is probably the deepest roster WWE has ever had, but if we accept that WWE will never see the virtue in having more than 2 significant "anchor" matches on a single show, then this is about it. And it wasn't bad.

It also wasn't great, but it's a way to kill 3 hours that left me perfectly satisfied with my viewing decision. I'll grade it a B-minus, and I'll see you next Monday, everybody!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.