OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO RAW RECAP
Ambrose Seals the Deal
May 25, 2015

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So season 3 of "Hannibal" is starting up next week, and I'm pretty fired up. Season 2 was really excellent and got the show on firm footing after a scattershot Season 1.

As preparation, I realized I should do a refresher course of Season 2, and have been knocking out an episode or two here and there... but last night, a slow and lazy Sunday where I had no particular reason to get to bed early, I was bored, and knocked out 4 episodes.

Warning: you probably shouldn't do this. I probably shouldn't have, either, and I have no plans to do so again.

I'm already not very good at Binge Watching... going back 15 years to my days as a wayward youth who played in various rock bands, I annoyed my mates by having a pretty strict 90 minute time limit on practicing, because that's where I know *I* reached the point of diminishing returns. I could extend that a bit (for practice or for other activities), based on how engaged I was, but I've always had that thing where I could feel myself starting to lose focus, and starting to miss things.

But stringing four "Hannibals" in a row caused an entirely different problem... I was entirely too drawn into the dark morbidity, the near torture-porn-esque level of violence and twisted psychology, and caught myself feeling kinda creeped out at myself somewhere near the start of that fourth episode. At the end of it, I just shut her down, stepped away, and found an episode of Simpsons on my DVR...

My brain needed a breath mint. Plain and simple.

I think, for the next week, I'll just do one episode at a time. Maybe two, in a pinch. I can enjoy it as a guilty pleasure, that way, and not feel entirely grotesque and perverse. But three and beyond is definitely off-limits, given the unpleasantness I experienced when I went there. If you're about to embark on the same refreshening, I cannot suggest strongly enough that you learn from my mistake.

With that said, let's see how I handle 3 hours of wrestling... although, thanks to DVR, it's usually a little less than 2, which is totally manageable. Here's what just happened on RAW:

Why You Didn't Go to Work Today: per usual, WWE finds religion on a holiday Monday, and produces a top notch video montage explaining exactly why this is more than a day off work. Maybe it's just PR and not true thoughtfulness (OK, it's definitely just PR, given WWE and Vince McMahon's track record on actual person-to-person human interaction), but I for one, always try to take it to heart after I spent an afternoon grilling out and day-drinking without giving even a moment's pause to think about why.

IT AIN'T OVER TILL IT'S IN INK

And then there's no more time for dawdling, as the Authority are headed towards the ring. Seth Rollins leads the way, although they opt to use Triple H's music. No, wait, strike that. Reverse it. They have plenty of time for dawdling, as after they all get to the ring, we cut to a 3 minute recap of how Dean Ambrose got the Authority to give him a title shot. D'oh.

Rollins deflects an initial "You Sold Out" chant by saying tonight isn't about him. That was last week. Tonight is about Dean Ambrose. Yay? That's right, Dean Ambrose, the common thug who intimidated and bullied his way into getting what he wants. Boo. Rollins says the Authority would never use such sketchy tactics (BOO~!), and that's why he (Rollins) is so traumatized.

In fact, since the Authority is so good and pure, and Ambrose is such a dirty cheater, Rollins sees no reason why the Authority doesn't just rescind their decision, and just pull Ambrose's title shot. Hell, even fire him.

But Rollins says he personally asked Triple H to NOT do that. Rollins says Ambrose is not a threat to him and his WWE Title. He welcomes Ambrose's challenge. HHH says "That's why you're the man, champ," and says that we've got a verbal agreement with Ambrose, but nothing is set in stone until Dean Ambrose comes out here and signs a contract.

And HHH just so happen to have said contract, and invites Ambrose to come down the ring, where 5 guys and Stephanie are waiting.

Ambrose comes out, but stays up on the stage for the time being. He says he gets a lot of joy out of beating the crap out of Seth Rollins for free. Hell, he even gets a lot of joy about IMAGINING beating the crap out of Seth Rollins. But on Sunday, Ambrose gets to do it, for actual tangible profit, when he beats the crap out of Seth Rollins to become the WWE Champion.

Furthermore, when he wins, he will enforce a few new rules. Among these is a callback to the "JUST IN BEE BER" taunt, when he says that he'll personally foot the bill for Rollins' drunk dialing Selena Gomez.

Rollins responds, and for the first time does a total tongue bath on Bieber, saying that he's totally the greatest artist of his generation and so it's not an insult to have the fans chant that at him. As expected, this just inspires even more boos and chants, because apparently most WWE fans have come to the realization that there's a difference between "best selling" and "best artist." In fact, those two things have zero correllation when it comes to Bieber.

So anyway, Rollins says if Ambrose really wants this, quit talking and get down here to sign this contract.

Ambrose says he might be crazy, but he really wants that match... so he'll do it. He heads into the "Lions' Den." But he only gets halfway there before Roman Reigns' music hits, and Reigns comes on through the crowd to join Ambrose. It's still 2-on-5, but that's better than 1-on-5.

The two are standing side-by-side, but before they can get into the ring and do anything, Stephanie grabs a mic and says that it's so adorable to see the Shield Boyz hanging tight. But if they're so keen on being pals, maybe they want to be tag partners... she books Ambrose and Reigns vs. Rollins and Kane.

And it may be a main event caliber match, but we don't have to wait. Because that match happens RIGHT NOW. But which she meant, "After these...."

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DEAN AMBROSE & ROMAN REIGNS vs. SETH ROLLINS & KANE (w/ J&J Security)

Quick start for the good guys, mostly at the expense of Kane. Actually, entirely at the expense of Kane. But then Kane imposed his will on Ambrose, and tagged in Rollins, who kept the ball rollins, even after Ambrose got some separation and tagged in Reigns. Reigns got all of 2 moves in before J&J&K all conspired to put him back on the defensive.

Rollins kept it up for a couple minutes, then Reigns flipped through a suplex atttempt, clobbered Rollins, and get a tag back to Ambrose. Ambrose strung together a full flurry, culminating in a suicide dive onto Rollins. J&J&K tried to interfere again, but this time, Reigns joined in to counter them.

Reigns and Ambrose cleaned house on all four, and got in the ring to celebrate as we break for...

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Back, and Rollins is dominating Ambrose. The Long Island crowd (tonight is the last ever event at Nassau Colisseum, site of WM2, before it is shut down) responds to this by chanting "WE WANT RY DER (woo woo woo)".

After a couple minutes, Ambrose fires up, gets separation, and the crowd refocuses once Reigns comes in on the hot tag.

Kane comes in on the corresponding move, and Reigns initially gets the better of it... but then numbers work against him, as Ambrose is flat on his ass and can't initially help. It leads to Kane setting Reigns up for the chokeslam, but Reigns is able to shove Kane off. When he falls back, Ambrose has regained his feet and blind tags himself into the match.

Ambrose catches Kane with the sneaky standing elbowdrop. AMbrose goes for Dirty Deeds, but Kane powers out. Rollins in on a blind tag of his own. Back and forth exchange ends with Rollins hitting a wicked running knee. But when he sets up for his new stepback DDT finisher, Ambrose grapples out and turns it into a pinning combo.

Ambrose drives with the legs and keeps Rollins down for three.

YOUR WINNERS: Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns, via pinfall, in 12 minutes. By the numbers tag formula, but executed very nicely by guys who (mostly) kept the fans' attention. A little lull for Rollins second heel beatdown (and the Ryder chant was the result), but then it still built up to a strong finish and the story that Ambrose CAN pin the champ. Now, we just wait till Sunday to find out if he DOES when the title is actually on the line.

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Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Dean Ambrose. She congratulates him on his big win, but reminds him that he still hasn't signed that contract to make his match official. As if on cue, Joey and Jamie show up and taunt Ambrose, teasing him that they personally brought the contract to him.... but wait, nope, they forgot it. Looks like he'll have to walk into Authority territory to get it, afterall.

So Ambrose just starts beating the shit out of the two... and in the chaos, he accidentally takes out a cameraman, too. In other words, Ambrose sort of just did the same thing that got Brock Lesnar fired. Ahem...

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Backstage: a limo arrives, and four douchebags from "Entourage" step out, because cross promotion. How do I know they are douchebags? They're from "Entourage" (even if they are four guys who I have never seen, because they aren't the one main douchebag from "Entourage" who has actually been in things other than "Entourage," and who once fucked up his own RAW Guest GM appearance by talking about "Kofi Johnston" and "SummerFest," and have apparently never been in anything notable that isn't "Entourage," so I have no idea who they are, other than grown men who only excel at playing douchebags on TV).

R-TRUTH vs. RUSEV (w/o Lana)

Lana is from Russia (as far as you know), but Rusev is from Bulgaria. So now that he's ditched Lana, he's also ditched the Russian flag, and is sporting Bulgarian colors... although Rusev's actions last week indicate he still very much cares about Lana even if he dumped her, he's still going through the classic passive aggressive motions by pretending he's so totally over her. Awwwwww....

Meantime, Rusev is a favorite heading into the IC TItle Chamber match on Sunday. And Truth is, ummmm, also in that match. So something something pretend to care.

Your Winner: Rusev, via submission, in under a minute. So yeah, that happened. If the goal here was to justify Truth's existence in the Chamber, mission failed. He was already out of place before this, now, that fact is amplified.

After the Match: Rusev grabs a mic, and says he would like to talk to Lana. Please. He's very polite in requesting the pleasure of her presence. She doesn't show up, and his voice gets just barely loud and angry... but then he reins it back in, lowers his voice, and once again asks, "Please?"

Looks like Rusev won't leave until he talks to Lana, so in the meantime, they decide to break for....

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ROO SEV LI-IKES LAAAHNAH, ROO SEV LI-IKES LAAAAHNAH... EH, WAIT, MAYBE NOT SO MUCH...

Rusev is still in the ring, still pleading with Lana. "After all we accomplish, together, for Bulgaria and Mother Russia, please...." and then he switched over to pleading in Bulgarian.

And finally , Lana shows up. She gets in the ring, and says, "OK, I'm here. Now, I am waiting."

Rusev says that he knows Lana still cares about him, no matter that she cost him his match at WM, and she misheard him saying "I Quit" at Payback, and she kissed that disgusting blond AMERICAN Dolph Ziggler. Twice. He knows she still cares about him, and she's just doing what all women do. The crowd murmurs. "Yes, you just do these things to get my attention, because you want me to notice you." The crowd mostly just blurts out a huge boo, but a vocal minority of misogynists think this is totally a reasonable thing to say.

Rusev senses he might have crossed a line, so he steps it back, and says that nevermind that, what's important is that, deep down, he knows Lana wants to crush America as much as he does, and wants to bring glory to Russia and Bulgaria, because America is the great Satan, and together they will set America straight.

Lana appears conflicted, doubly so after a "USA USA USA" chant breaks out... but Rusev tags it with another little plea in Bulgarian, and she softens. Yes, together they can dominate. And now that they've both admitted their feelings, they even share a big hug. And Rusev seems to enjoy it.... so sheepishly at first, he says it'd be really nice if Lana sealed it by saying those three little words...

"I..... was wrong." And he takes on a threatening demeanor as he repeats his demand that Lana admit that she's wrong.

Lana says, NO, because she was not wrong. Rusev did quit, and she did what she did because she cared about him, and if he can't see that, then maybe she will leave. And this time, of her own accord and not because Rusev told her to.

She gets halfway out of the ring, when Rusev explodes. "Get back her. I am man, you are woman. I own you. You are mine and you do what I say!"

Lana pauses, and then storms up to Rusev, "You do not own me. Nobody owns me. You are not a man, you are a liar and a quitter, and I have had enough of your antiquated, moronic, caveman views. I'm leaving!"

And she does. And Rusev loses it. And then Ziggler shows up on the stage, and smooches Lana again. And Rusev loses it even more. I'll hand it to them: probably a bit more nuanced a telling of the story than I'd have guessed... you get the sense that Rusev really does care for Lana on one hand, but on the other hand, he comes from a culture where he just doesn't know any better than to be a sexist pig. Meantime, Lana's been open minded enough that a little bit of America might have rubbed off on her.

Backstage: Triple H walks into Dean Ambrose's locker room, and Ambrose is all "I don't suppose you brought that contract, did you?" But nope, HHH didn't. Instead, he brought that camera man and two goons... the cameraman says, "Yeah, he hit me, but I swore somebody shoved him into him." HHH cuts him off and said nobody asked him that. They asked if Ambrose is the man who assaulted him.

And he confirms it. And the two goons are apparently police, because they handcuff Ambrose and read him his rights, dragging him out of the room.

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Backstage: the cops are herding Ambrose into a paddywagon to take him downtown. Yes, a paddywagon. For one guy. Try not to think too hard about this. And then we pan over to see Rollins, Kane, and J&J standing off to one side, laughing their asses off. How ever will Ambrose get his title match if he can't sign that contract?!?

RYBACK vs. KING BARRETT

Two more guys from the IC Title Chamber Match... Ryback is still sporting taped ribs, from his match against Bray Wyatt at Payback, and on top of how that will effect him tonight, we are reminded that the entire Chamber is 6 tons of steel, which is not exactly going to be pleasant for Ryback's ribs.

As for tonight, Barrett goes right to Ryback's midsection, and uses that to dominate from the opening minute. And all the way up to the third minute, when he set up for the Bullhammer, only to have Ryback play possum, and sucker Barrett in, at which point Ryback hit Shellshock for the minor upset.

Your Winner: Ryback, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. "Hot" off a loss to Wyatt, Ryback was probably a bit out of place in the Chamber, too. Not nealry as out of place as Truth, but close to it... but this actually did serve the purpose of showing how Ryback can fight through injuries to win matches you weren't expecting to win.

Backstage: HHH and Steph are patting themselves on the back, because the booking process will take a couplehours, so no matter what happens, he can't make it back to the arena in time to sign that contract. Seth Rollins won't have an opponent on Sunday, which they think is great, because the guy deserves a night off.

And then, in walk the four d-bags from "Entourage" who aren't the one d-bag from "Entourage" who has actually been in other things that aren't "Entourage." But the four who showed up tonight to take a moment to make fun of him, by referencing his "SummerFest" moment, before talking about how they're such fans of WWE, and they hope WWE fans will come see their new movie, because they have a lot in common.

Including, as it turns out, Ronda Rousey, who had a fight scene with one of these d-bags, and apparently did quite the number on him, so he makes the mistake of saying, "And I know you know how that feels, Steph, because, you know, she kicked your ass at WM." As the other three d-bags try to pull him back, he digs his hole even deeper, by talking about how awesome that was, and yadda yadda yadda, the other three finally get him to shut up and say they'll show themselves out. HHH and Steph are not amused.

But I bet Ronda Rousey was, since she really enjoyed WM31 and wants to keep doing stuff with WWE, but Dana Whites being a Vince-caliber dick about letting her out of her contract... but WWE's pressing on and poking UFC because (for once) they have the moral high ground... and I suspect they are going to win. Ronda will not fight in a WWE ring (that's the one thing that would actually tangibly hurt her value, if UFC argued the point), but when The Rock vs. Triple H happens at WM32, Rousey and Steph are both gonna be at ringside after a months long build up. BOOK IT~!

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NEVILLE vs. STARDUST

Apparently, way down on the depthchart, there is a cartoon superhero named Green Arrow, and the guy who plays him is also here tonight. He's seated at ringside, and Stardust has a little exchange withhim before the match (we are told they had a little twitter war over the weekend). Hokay; that's all news to me, but I'll take your word for it, Cole.

Huge "ENN EX TEE" chant as the match starts, and Neville responds with a hot start, before Stardust manages to target Neville's taped knee. As Neville fights back, Bo Dallas saunters on out to the ring... apparently, they've just announced Neville vs. Bo for Sunday's PPV.

Speaking of Green Arrows, Neville's comeback results in a Red Arrow, in short order.

Your Winner: Neville, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. I can state, with authority, that this is a thing that happened.

After the Match: Neville was slow getting to his feet, selling that knee injury, so Bo grabbed a mic and said, "Hey, there, li'l buddy, you can get up, I know you can, you just have to BOlieve." And then Bo kicks Neville in the knee, because he's a jerk.

Backstage: one of the d-bags is chatting with Zack Ryder, and the other three are sleazing on Layla/Alicia/Summer/Emma... the one talking to Ryder has some sort of big plan, since it's the last night ever in Ryder's Home Arena, and the other three are, well, sleazing.... finally, Ryder and the one pull them away to discuss the plan, while the divas just break into laughter. The only problem is that at least two of them were doing smitten giggling, and only Layla seemed to be giving off a definitive vibe of laughing-at-douchebags. D'oh.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. SHEAMUS

This completes the triecta of matches between Chamber participants. Of note: no Lana, at least not to start.

A "YOO LOOK STOO PID" chant greats Sheamus, as the bell rings, and he responds by getting all pissy and taking it out on Dolph. Ziggler gets in a hope spot (it seems Payback was not an abberation; Ziggler really is gonna keep using a Toe Stomp as a legit comeback move), Sheamus snuffs it out.

A few minutes later, Ziggler hits a more convincing dropkick, but Sheamus snuffs that out, too (with a powerslam). Sheamus is picking Ziggler apart when Lana comes out on the stage to watch. Meantime, we break for...

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Back, and Sheamus is still dominating, and Lana's still watching. Very basic stuff here, repeating Hope Spot/Snuff Out twice more, that I can't really add to. Totally straightforward, but it worked, because the fans were into it, and didn't bail on the bludgeoning simplicity.

Finally, Ziggler's real comeback begins, including a Steamboat Crossbody, and his first near fall after a Fameasser. Then, an excellent quadruple reversey bit (implant DDT attempt to White Noise attempt to Brogue Kick attempt) which ended with a big superkick by Dolph for another near fall.

And that's when Rusev showed up. He only paused very briefly to give Lana a menacing glance, but then stormed to the ring, demanding Ziggler's full attention. But Rusev pulled up short, and just stood there. Ziggler turned his attention back to Sheamus and ate a Brogue Kick.

Your Winner: Sheamus, via pinfall, in 8-9 minutes. Like I said, super-simple and nothing with replay value, but still essentially effective at advancing the necessary stories.

After the Match: Sheamus left, and gave Rusev that International Sign of "He's All Yours." Rusev accepted, and beat the shit out of Ziggler for a bit, finishing with a Camel Clutch. Lana came down and was clearly tormented, but also had too much pride to beg Rusev for mercy. Then again, Lana's sense of mercy is the very that Rusev despised the most, so this LACK of it probably just turned him on.

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US OPEN CHALLENGE

Being Long Island, the wankers are in full voice, sing songing "John Cena Sucks" along with his theme song. I can only hope that the "plan" proposed by the Entourage d-bags has something to do with taking advantage of the partisan crowd, if you get my drift.... the Cena Hate combined with Ryder Love would be PLENTY to avoid boos for the "Entourage" guys, which is pretty much the only thing they would get, otherwise.

Cena prefaces this week's challenge with a few words. He says he knows the WWE Universe boils down to five words: "Let's Go Cena, Cena Sucks." Uhhhh, that's only 4 words, JonJon. But regardless, he thinks this means there are some people who fight with him, and some who fight against him. I think he's leaving out a large percentage of them who enjoy pretending to hate him, because we know he works hard, but he's such a boring caricature of "good guy" and think there are some fellas on the roster more interesting than him. Big difference.

Speaking of which, the LI crowd is right there with me, as they fire up another "WE WANT RYE DER (woo woo woowoowoo)" chant. Apparently they (and I) are onto something, as Cena tries to downplay it, and focus his narrative on the "Cena Sucks" chant.... he uses "Cena Sucks" as an excuse to talk about Kevin Owens, and how the type of fans who love to chant "Cena Sucks" are probably gonna be chanting something new on Sunday... they might prefer to chant "FIGHT OWENS FIGHT."

And that's OK, because "FIGHT OWENS FIGHT" is not the same thing as "WIN OWENS WIN." Kevin Owens proved he knows how to start a fight last Monday, but this coming Sunday, he's gonna fall short of proving he knows how to finish win. Zing.

But that's Sunday. Tonight is Monday, and it's another US Open Challenge.... Cena declares that this US Open Challenge is, uhhhhhhhh, open. Who wants some?

Well, it's the supporting minor players from "Entourage," at least to start. Cena chuckles and wants to know which of them is gonna step into the ring.... but unlike Mr. Summerfest, they know enough to not force the issue, so they're just gonna introduce the real challenger. A bona fide WWE Superstar and Long Island boy....

Zack Ryder. Told you so.

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ZACK RYDER vs. JOHN CENA (US Title Match)

The Entourage boys are still hanging around, sitting near the commentary desk, but not joining in. Meantime, the crowd is easily the most hostile one Cena has faced in a while. Long Island loves their Iced Z.

Ryder pays them back with a hot start, building up to an attempted Broski Boot. But Cena dodges and hits his wacky shoulderblock, setting up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. But one of the d-bags rolls into the ring to break it up... he begs off before Cena can attack him, but the distraction served its purpose.

Ryder hit a neckbreaker and then the Broski Boot for a convincing near fall. Ryder doesn't waste time kvetching, and follows up with the RoughRyder for an even more convincing near fall. This time, he does waste a few moments complaining... and then he goes up top, and tries a 450 splash.

First of all: whoa, didn't know Ryder had that in him. But second: Cena moves, and follows up with an F-U. Thanks for playing, Zack.

Your Winner: John Cena, via pinfall, in 5 minutes. Not bad, by any stretch, but Cena has turned the US Open Challenge into code for "secretly it's going to be epic." And this was still kinda a glorified squash, despite the hot crowd.

After the Match: Cena tried to sponge off the crowd heat, by raising Zack's hand in a show of mutual respect (and the Entourage guys joined in). It was only partially effective. Then, when Ryder and the d-bags left, Cena tried to celebrate on his own.... only to have Kevin Owens run in from the crowd to attack him, ending with a pop-up powerbomb.

For the second week in a row, Owens' disrespected the US Title belt, while raising his own NXT Title up high in a not-so-subtle message that he views his own belt as the more important one.

Backstage: the Authority are hanging out, when Renee Young comes in and asks them about Dean Ambrose. She pretty much outright accuses them of framing Ambrose, which results in much indignation. Steph says they are honorable people, and they will abide by their word: they'll bring the contract to the ring at the end of the show, and if Ambrose can show up to sign it, he'll get his match. Otherwise, tough luck, cuz if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

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PAIGE vs. TAMINA (w/ Naomi)

The Bellas are here, joining in on guest commentary, because NIkki is defending her Women's Title against both Paige and Naomi on Sunday. So all players for Sunday are here, along with the two extras.

Tamina overpowers Paige out of the gate, leading to a Time Compressed "Mid-"Match Heel Beatdown. Some interference from Naomi backfired, leading to Paige's (very sloppy/botchy) comeback sequence.

Paige gets everybody back on board with a very nifty senton to the floor... but on the re-entry to the ring, Naomi pearl harbored Paige (almost directly in front of the referee, who was too late remembering to get distracted by Tamina). Tamina hit the superkick and that's that.

Your Winner: Tamina, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Yeah, so I guess the story was told -- Nikki has Brie, and Naomi has Tamina, but Paige is running solo -- but it's one of the more botchtastic ways of telling said story, right down to the ref screw-up that was so bad that the Voice in the Headset told Nikki to bitch about it.

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NEW. DAYPUNKD.

The New Day are already in the ring as we come back from commercials, and doing a hand gesture that we're told is them "stirring it up," but it could easily be misinterpreted as something very, very dirty. And they have something to say...

In short, it's totally unfair that they have to defend their tag team titles against 5 other teams, and inside a Chamber. Nobody wants to see that, right? Long Island indicates that they would, in fact, like to see that. So Big E takes over and makes fun of this decaying, decrepit building that's about to be torn down because they couldn't even keep their own hockey team. LOSERS!

By contract, NEW. DAYROCKS.

Nope. "NEW. DAYSUCKS."

DOO Kane has heard enough, and steps out onto the stage to tell them that they may not see the wisdom of his ways, but the 6-team Chamber match really IS best for business. And in order to help them comprehend this fact, he's got a match for them, right now.

It'll be the New Day against Cesaro and Tyson Kidd. AND the Lucha Dragons. AND the Ascension. AND the Prime Time Players. AND Los Matadores. It's a 3-on-10 handicap match, and it's next.

By which he means, after these....

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CESARO/KIDD/LUCHA DRAGONS/PRIME TIME PLAYERS/LOS MATAODRES/ASCENSION vs. THE NEW DAY (10-on-3 Handicap Match)

It's already 10:50pm (eastern), with the Main Event Contract Angle still to come, so let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

We join the match in progress, and somehow, the New Day are in control of Kalisto for about 20 seconds, until Eggsavier Woods taunts the babyface (and the Ascension) corner, and all 9 of them jump in at the same time to attack him. Pier 13 Brawl, and the ref just calls for the bell and bails.

Your Winners: the New Day, via disqualification, in 30 seconds flat. The post-match brawl breaks in favor of Cesaro/Kidd and the Lucha Dragons. Then, the Dragons win the post-post-match brawl, and fling Cesaro and Kidd out of the ring before hitting stereo dives onto the scrum.

But before the dive, the New Day escaped from the scrum, and decimated the Dragons. But while the New Day overstayed their welcome by celebrating their DQ win, Cesaro and Kidd recovered, and jumped into the ring... a quick 2-on-3 was won by the challengers, so give them the moral victory!

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On Sunday: they already announced that Neville vs. Bo Dallas has been added to the Elimination Chamber, proper. But for the preshow, the big reveal is that Miz returns, with a special edition of MizTV, with Daniel Bryan.

Earlier Tonight: Dean Ambrose was arrested for punching a cameraman, but an anonymous source staff member just posted a cellphone video to WWE's youtube channel showing that Seth Rollins is the one who shoved the cameraman into Ambrose.

Oy. WWE has so many problems sustaining a consistant narrative POV when it comes to fourth wall issues, and this only makes matters worse, rather than making them better. Unless they explain exactly who took the video and had access to WWE's youtube password. AND ROLLINS DIDN'T EVEN SEE THIS PERSON STANDING 5 FEET AWAY FROM HIM WHEN HE DID IT. I repeat, "Oy." So much oy...

LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING...

The entire extended Authority hit the ring, and they clearly saw the youtube video, because they are pissed. And Rollins opens with a declaration that that doesn't matter, because he might have accidentally bumped into a cameraman, but Ambrose knowingly punched him in the face.

Steph and HHH pile on with more meandering rambling that amounts to, "Hey, we gave Ambrose a chance, and he did something stupid, and now he's not here to sign his contract."

Finally, Reigns put an end to the talky talk, and hits the ring through the crowd. HHH and Steph powder out, and Reigns briefly fights the good fight before falling prey to the 4-on-1 Rollins is just getting into third gear on his taunting when the PaddyWagon returns, and drives into the arena.

And there you have it. If you joined OO in thinking too hard about it, earlier in the show, you are probably not entirely surprised that the whole PaddyWagon Treatment was all for this moment... and sure enough, Ambrose is DRIVING the PaddyWagon (don't think too hard about this, either), and jumps out, brandishing a nightstick as a weapon.

For a moment, the 2-on-4 doesn't go so well, but then Reigns takes out the Stooges with a double spear, and Kane with a Superman Punch. Ambrose takes care of Rollins. Reigns finds the contract laying at ringside, and gladly hands it to Ambrose (no tension), and Ambrose signs it, while JBL shouts, "C'MON JUST END THE SHOW, END THE SHOW BEFORE HE CAN SIGN IT," because JBL actually does have a decent grasp on the many ways WWE fails to handle Fourth Wall Issues.

But I won't go threre. At least, not right now. Needless to say, there's no move to end the show, no matter how much the Authority would have liked that. So the last thing we see is Ambrose signing the contract and waving it in the Authority's general direction as we fade to black...

And so ends the show... all in all, the total package amounts to the same sort of show as last week. The in-ring fell a bit short, with just one really decent match (the opening tag match; last week had two above average ones), but that was counteracted by the fact that the final main event non-match segment was a lot tighter and more mindlessly enjoyable than last week's Tortured Logic Fest.

Last week had the fantastic Cena/Owens segment. I think this week, Rusev and Lana provided the same value from a purely "soap opera for dudes" storyline standpoint. Everything else sort of evened out, too.

So at the end of the day, I think I'll just hand out the same grade as last week. Enjoy your C, suckers. I'm sure you're all very proud of your adequatchulance.

Sunday's Elimination Chamber has a lot of intriguing moving parts, and could be a very interesting show. If you're too cheap to pay even ZERO ZEROITY ZERO (WWE's asking price for new sign-ups), please remember that OO has your back. I'll have full results and analysis shortly after 11pm (eastern) on Sunday night, and all weekend long there will be previews, predictions, and real time discussion on the OO Forums (for PPVs, it's always Open Sign Up Amnesty Weekend here at OO, so why not join us?).

See you then....

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E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.